Thegameoflife Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I'm curious as to why monogamy is so important to most people in a relationship? When I was younger, I believed in monogamy. Mainly it was because it was what I was taught. I went away from this thinking because I feel conditional love is not functional. An important aspect of my marriage is that it's a safe place where we can share our thoughts and feelings openly without judgment. The connection and acceptance of one another seems to bring us closer. I feel that a condition like monogamy, creates a situation where partners can't be honest, or they face recourse. Lets face it, there is a lot of cheating going on. Even if you're not cheating, you're at least guilty of sexual thoughts about others. It's in our nature to want to have sex with people we find attractive. What is it about exclusivity that people desire, when it's setting so many people up for deception and failure of relationships? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I feel that a condition like monogamy, creates a situation where partners can't be honest, or they face recourse. I suppose this could be true for those who would not be happy in a monogamous relationship. Others who seek out monogamy and are lucky enough to find someone else with the same values, have no such restriction on their honesty. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I'm curious as to why monogamy is so important to most people in a relationship? When I was younger, I believed in monogamy. Mainly it was because it was what I was taught. I went away from this thinking because I feel conditional love is not functional. An important aspect of my marriage is that it's a safe place where we can share our thoughts and feelings openly without judgment. The connection and acceptance of one another seems to bring us closer. I feel that a condition like monogamy, creates a situation where partners can't be honest, or they face recourse. Lets face it, there is a lot of cheating going on. Even if you're not cheating, you're at least guilty of sexual thoughts about others. It's in our nature to want to have sex with people we find attractive. What is it about exclusivity that people desire, when it's setting so many people up for deception and failure of relationships? The cheating is not going on because of the pressures that monogamy puts on people that may have sexual desires with others. The cheating is caused by something missing in the marriage where monogamy becomes unimportant. Most people enter marriage with the intent of having it last, and a monogamous relationship stands the best chance of making it. And most people want to be e 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I'm curious as to why monogamy is so important to most people in a relationship? Numero uno, top dog, head honcho, big cheese. The id requires fidelity to go out on a limb and actually care for and bond with something outside itself. Ids are pretty selfish. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 The depth of the relationship and connection is what I love. Our trust and intimacy is so deep and uncomplicated, and in that context we can explore all of our wildest fantasies (including fantasies of other partners). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thegameoflife Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 Numero uno, top dog, head honcho, big cheese. The id requires fidelity to go out on a limb and actually care for and bond with something outside itself. Ids are pretty selfish. ID? Not familiar with this acronym. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 ID? Not familiar with this acronym. id, ego & super - ego = three parts of the psyche. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 ID? Not familiar with this acronym. Not an acronym. Id Ego Superego | Simply Psychology 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thegameoflife Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 I suppose this could be true for those who would not be happy in a monogamous relationship. Others who seek out monogamy and are lucky enough to find someone else with the same values, have no such restriction on their honesty. Are you saying that people who are happy with monogamy don't ever have sexual thoughts about others? I fail to believe that a person loses attractions to others upon entering a monogamous relationship. I also don't feel most people could share their attraction to someone openly with their partner. Therefore they must suppress such feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Numero uno, top dog, head honcho, big cheese. The id requires fidelity to go out on a limb and actually care for and bond with something outside itself. Ids are pretty selfish. ^^ well THAT and STDs. it's real out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Are you saying that people who are happy with monogamy don't ever have sexual thoughts about others? I fail to believe that a person loses attractions to others upon entering a monogamous relationship. Of course I'm not without outside sexual thoughts. But I value the connection with my partner more than I'd care about the realization of those fantasies. It's a trade off I'm happy to make. I also don't feel most people could share their attraction to someone openly with their partner. Therefore they must suppress such feelings. Not every feeling needs to be unsuppressed. It's called adulthood... Mr. Lucky 8 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 ^^ well THAT and STDs. it's real out there. True! Very important when I started having sex during the HIV/AIDS era. Free love had been replaced with STD panels and condoms and trust-building. The id definitely doesn't want to die. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I don't like other people to use my tools, drive my cars, etc. I guess I'm selfish like that. I don't ask to borrow someone's tools or cars either. I don't wanna share some guys emotions, saliva & semen from the person I'm with. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thegameoflife Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 Of course I'm not without outside sexual thoughts. But I value the connection with my partner more than I'd care about the realization of those fantasies. It's a trade off I'm happy to make. Not every feeling needs to be unsuppressed. It's called adulthood... Mr. Lucky Many people consider omission to be deceitful. I wasn't talking about realizing fantasies, but that people have them. Why is the connection with your partner dependent on suppressing your fantasies? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Many people consider omission to be deceitful. I wasn't talking about realizing fantasies, but that people have them. Why is the connection with your partner dependent on suppressing your fantasies? It isn't for me. We share some fantasies, and enjoy others without sharing or guilt. No suppression. How does non-monogamy eliminate this issue? Do you expect all non-monogamous partners to be accepting and open about all fantasies? I doubt that. I found one partner who is accepting of my dirty mind, and even encourages it. Why complicate things with extra partners who are possibly less accepting? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thegameoflife Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 It isn't for me. We share some fantasies, and enjoy others without sharing or guilt. No suppression. How does non-monogamy eliminate this issue? Do you expect all non-monogamous partners to be accepting and open about all fantasies? I doubt that. I found one partner who is accepting of my dirty mind, and even encourages it. Why complicate things with extra partners who are possibly less accepting? I feel people should be open about discussing things, not saying everyone should act on them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I feel people should be open about discussing things, not saying everyone should act on them. But what does that have to do with monogamy? In both mono and non-mono relationships, jealousies and limits on openness may exist. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 (edited) what would be the point of being in a relationship then?? why not just dating around???? you call it suppression, i call it self control. i think adulthood is about self control so.. Edited July 22, 2015 by casey.lives 3 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Monogamy is a social construct, one I think is largely useful in preventing social unrest that would result from the most successful men attracting most of the women. Yes, there is a good basis for monogamy in typical pair bonding, but that tendency is exaggerated by the concept of monogamy. People are more typically serial monogamists, and there are a significant number who may think they're monogamous but actually practice a promiscuous (but unethical) mating style. And of course, there are those who are naturally polyamorous and practice an ethically promiscuous mating style. There are also at least four kinds of monogamy: social, sexual, emotional, and activity. Most people combine all four when they think of monogamy, but they are distinct aspects of monogamy. We are not monogamous by nature, but practice social monogamy (we let people think we are monogamous to ease getting along, unless it's someone who is also non-monogamous). We do not practice sexual monogamy. We are mostly emotionally monogamous, but have polamorous tendencies so would forego that for the right person(s). Link to post Share on other sites
John Bigboote Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Monogamy is a social construct, one I think is largely useful in preventing social unrest that would result from the most successful men attracting most of the women. ...and then you go on to discuss ethical nonmonogamy (polyamory), which is ethical partly because both genders get to do it. If ethical polyamory were to replace monogamy as the social construct, the phrase "the most successful men attracting most of the women" wouldn't compute, because all the women they attract would also be attracted to other men as well, and they would be free to see them. "Attracting most of the women" continues to assume that women aren't allowed to be nonmonogamous in the purported absence of monogamy, a logical contradiction. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 ...and then you go on to discuss ethical nonmonogamy (polyamory), which is ethical partly because both genders get to do it. If ethical polyamory were to replace monogamy as the social construct, the phrase "the most successful men attracting most of the women" wouldn't compute, because all the women they attract would also be attracted to other men as well, and they would be free to see them. "Attracting most of the women" continues to assume that women aren't allowed to be nonmonogamous in the purported absence of monogamy, a logical contradiction. Well, you're wrong. Even in polyamory, polygyny would still be the dominant mode, so the most desirable men would still attract an unequal share of women. It may just be that the most desirable men would share the larger group of women. However, I don't think polyamory is going to catch on in a big way anytime soon, so imbalances are very unlikely. At best, perhaps 10% of the population would even consider polyamory if it became more accepted in society. Polygyny is a better deal for women, while - surprisingly - monogamy is a better deal for men. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200802/the-paradox-polygamy-ii-why-most-women-benefit-polygamy Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Honesty and integrity are more important to me than monogamy- cheating includes an element of betrayal-thats the part people leave out when they use the excuse of "humans are not monogamous" for cheating- you can be honest and non-monogamous- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I'm curious as to why monogamy is so important to most people in a relationship? When I was younger, I believed in monogamy. Mainly it was because it was what I was taught. I went away from this thinking because I feel conditional love is not functional. An important aspect of my marriage is that it's a safe place where we can share our thoughts and feelings openly without judgment. The connection and acceptance of one another seems to bring us closer. I feel that a condition like monogamy, creates a situation where partners can't be honest, or they face recourse. Lets face it, there is a lot of cheating going on. Even if you're not cheating, you're at least guilty of sexual thoughts about others. It's in our nature to want to have sex with people we find attractive. What is it about exclusivity that people desire, when it's setting so many people up for deception and failure of relationships? I would reframe it as "why is honesty important to you?", as opposed to the issue of monogamy being a choice or not a choice, as long as that choice is extended to both in the relationship. Recently, i had a conversation with someone who views monogamy as unnatural, and yet is in a relationship that is exclusive, which to me seems an oxymoron. I asked if her partner was aware of her view on monogamy as being unnatural, and she replied that she'd lose him if she were honest about it...smh Ironically, most men who claim to not believe in monogamy would not tolerate raising children not fathered by them. This begs the question to the importance of monogamy when it comes to paternity for those who claim that monogamy is unnatural. i see that the real issue is not monogamy or open relationships, I see it as smoke screen that obscures the human condition of wanting the best of both without the consequence of honesty interfering in that quest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Even in polyamory, polygyny would still be the dominant mode, For what reason? I hope not the same in the article you posted Polygyny is a better deal for women, while - surprisingly - monogamy is a better deal for men. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200802/the-paradox-polygamy-ii-why-most-women-benefit-polygamy This is quite sexist, this would be true in a world where women depend on men to support themselves - that, indeed, a social construct that has lasted centuries, but should be on the way out by now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 For what reason? I hope not the same in the article you posted This is quite sexist, this would be true in a world where women depend on men to support themselves - that, indeed, a social construct that has lasted centuries, but should be on the way out by now As a practicing polyamorous woman, I can tell you that in my experience it's actually more common today with women. e.g. a woman will have multiple partners while a man has one. I don't speak for everyone of course but I'm in that world. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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