Why is monogamy important to you?

[roycobb99]

I'm curious as to why monogamy is so important to most people in a relationship?

 

 

 

Monogamy is important because several thousand years ago it was forced on society by religion. Somewhere along the line, it became required for marriage and serious relationships. Sadly, what is lost is the fact that regardless of what your beliefs are, or how educated you are, how sophisticated you have become, in the end your still a flesh and blood animal that was designed to breed.

 

It seems to me that when a couple is married or decides to be together forever, that they should decide what is allowed and what is not allowed. Monogamy works for a lot of people, a lot of people just are not capable of controlling jealousy, or they are deeply religious etc.. However, there are people out there who want to build a life and future with someone they love, but monogamy just isn't important.

 

Probably what is important is for both parties in the relationship to communicate the issue, before getting married or before making a huge commitment. Of course relationships are dynamic, they can change just like political views over time. I am certainly no relationship expert, I am just a regular working dude, and that is my opinion today..

Edited July 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Arieswoman]

Sorry RCobb99, but you are in error,

 

Monogamy is important because several thousand years ago it was forced on society by religion.

 

Is monogamy a part of every religion? - Religion Answers

 

Monogamy has been encouraged by society for secular reasons, because it is deemed to be good for creating a more stable society.

 

Monogamy reduces major social problems of polygamist cultures

[central]

For what reason? I hope not the same in the article you posted

 

 

 

 

This is quite sexist, this would be true in a world where women depend on men to support themselves - that, indeed, a social construct that has lasted centuries, but should be on the way out by now

 

Re: your first objection, mainly because that has always been the predominant mode. I think with modern equality, there would be a much closer balance, but still somewhat favor polygyny. I am certainly aware of many poly arrangements with one woman and multiple men.

 

Re: your second issue, whether it's sexist or not I don't know. That's on the blogger. However, the arguments make sense and evolved biological preferences still apply to some degree. It may have more to do with perceived genetic advantages than woman's ability to support themselves.

[italianjob]

Re: your first objection, mainly because that has always been the predominant mode. I think with modern equality, there would be a much closer balance, but still somewhat favor polygyny. I am certainly aware of many poly arrangements with one woman and multiple men.

 

Re: your second issue, whether it's sexist or not I don't know. That's on the blogger. However, the arguments make sense and evolved biological preferences still apply to some degree. It may have more to do with perceived genetic advantages than woman's ability to support themselves.

 

Guess we'll have to agree to disagree, frankly, the arguments in the article don't make much sense to me...

[Morro72]

I've got all kinds of reasons for not being interested in non-monogamy of any sort, but the one I always get hung up on first is the amount of time it takes to pursue any sort of relationship. I might be able to find the time for a quickie every once in a while but it boggles my mind that there are women who might consider that enough of a relationship to be worth pursuing. A real, semi-serious dating relationship, if it's anything like the sort of thing I did in high school or college, is like at least a half-time job. Where the heck do people find the time?

[OldRover]

I've got all kinds of reasons for not being interested in non-monogamy of any sort, but the one I always get hung up on first is the amount of time it takes to pursue any sort of relationship. I might be able to find the time for a quickie every once in a while but it boggles my mind that there are women who might consider that enough of a relationship to be worth pursuing. A real, semi-serious dating relationship, if it's anything like the sort of thing I did in high school or college, is like at least a half-time job. Where the heck do people find the time?

 

Morro,

 

Agreed with that.... just dating in college was a PITA, finding nice women that would be worth of a second date, and visa versa. I can't imagine how much time and effort multiple relationships outside the primary would take, plus the risk of failures and ones that seem better than the primary.

 

Not for me....even when married and had another lady, I was monogamous and both ladies knew it. (however the end of the marriage was near).

[xxoo]

A real, semi-serious dating relationship, if it's anything like the sort of thing I did in high school or college, is like at least a half-time job. Where the heck do people find the time?

 

This is so true, at least for me. With kids and jobs, my husband and I barely get enough 1:1 adult time. Absurd in my mind to think we'd sacrifice any of it to be with other partners.

[BetheButterfly]

I'm curious as to why monogamy is so important to most people in a relationship?

 

For many (though not all) people who believe in God, monogamy is considered the ideal relationship, beginning with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

 

Now, there are some people who believe in God who are polygamists where the man has many wives (and possibly concubines). However, when asked about divorce, Jesus Christ confirmed the ideal for marriage as being 1 man and 1 woman being "one flesh." (I boldened some in the passage.)

 

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[Genesis 1:27] and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[Gen. 2:24]? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

- Matthew 19:4-6 (NIV))

 

Since much of the West has experienced a form of "Christendom" (although sad to say this does not mean the leaders obeyed Jesus Christ in important areas such as loving neighbors and enemies), at least some of Jesus Christ's teachings have influenced the West.

 

Another reason is the romantic ideal of many women. Many women dream of having her Prince Charming sweep her off her feet, and that this man will love her alone, that she won't have to share him with any other women but rather that they will have a bond so strong and intimate that he only has eyes for her.

 

Another reason is that men tend to like to know if they are the biological father of a child, and women tend to like to know who the biological father is of their child(ren). It's been only recently that one can have a DNA test (thanks to science) to check who the Daddy is, so monogamy has been a good way for both Mommies and Daddies to raise biological families with a better sense of security, unless the Mommy cheats on her husband.

 

Yet another reason is the team monogamy creates, a great team of 2 people that in most cases sleeps together (sometimes in the team member's arms), enjoys life together, eats together, has sex together, talks together, laughs together, works hard together, cries together, mourns together, rejoices together.... this "team" of a successful monogamous marriage becomes so united that they are even willing to die for each other.

 

This leads to what is in my opinion the greatest reason for monogamy: True Love. Because I love my husband, I cannot cheat on him and I don't desire any other person. My love for him excludes all others from sex with me, because my love for him is 100% - there's no room for loving another sexually in my mind.

 

To recap, the following are in my opinion reasons why monogamy is important to me:

1. Jesus Christ confirmed monogamy as God's ideal for marriage while talking about divorce.

2. Many women (including me) dream of being the only beloved of her "Prince" who desires only her.

3. Faithful monogamy gives natural security concerning the parentage of a child.

4. Monogamy can create a team of 2 so united that they are willing to die for each other.

5. True Love

 

When I was younger, I believed in monogamy. Mainly it was because it was what I was taught. I went away from this thinking because I feel conditional love is not functional. An important aspect of my marriage is that it's a safe place where we can share our thoughts and feelings openly without judgment. The connection and acceptance of one another seems to bring us closer.

 

I feel that a condition like monogamy, creates a situation where partners can't be honest, or they face recourse. Lets face it, there is a lot of cheating going on.

While I understand your point, I disagree. I do believe partners in a monogamous marriage can be honest with each other and many are. I am honest with my husband and I trust he is honest with me.

 

Even if you're not cheating, you're at least guilty of sexual thoughts about others. It's in our nature to want to have sex with people we find attractive.

It's also in our brain capabilities to reject sexual thoughts about others and to train our brains to think of other things.

 

What is it about exclusivity that people desire, when it's setting so many people up for deception and failure of relationships?

I think 5 is the answer = true love.

[BetheButterfly]

 

Polygyny is a better deal for women, while - surprisingly - monogamy is a better deal for men.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200802/the-paradox-polygamy-ii-why-most-women-benefit-polygamy

 

I disagree with that. I'm a woman, and monogamy is a much better deal in my opinion for me. I also think that monogamy is a good deal for men.

 

However, I know there are both men and women, especially nowadays, who have no interest in monogamy, and that's their right. It's also the right of my hubby and me to be monogamous.

[Arieswoman]

BBBF,

 

However, I know there are both men and women, especially nowadays, who have no interest in monogamy, and that's their right.

 

but they should make that very clear to whoever they date.

[BetheButterfly]

BBBF,

 

 

 

but they should make that very clear to whoever they date.

 

Yep that's for sure!!! Very important to be honest about it up front!!!

 

One guy I dated before I met my husband broke my heart because he wasn't honest about his disdain for monogamy... I had to figure that out by myself... I wish he had just been honest with me, because he knew I am 100% for monogamy. I wouldn't have dated him if he had been honest with me though... maybe that's why he wasn't honest?

 

I am so thankful for my husband and his exclusive commitment to me, and I know he's thankful for my exclusive commitment to him.

Edited July 22, 2015 by BetheButterfly

[Mr. Lucky]

Many people consider omission to be deceitful. I wasn't talking about realizing fantasies, but that people have them.

 

Why is the connection with your partner dependent on suppressing your fantasies?

 

Fantasies and sexual thoughts are just one of many feelings I have. I share those with my partner that relate to or impact our connection.

 

Your definition of a healthy relationship seems to include incorporating and/or recognizing the sexual feelings you have for others in the connection with your partner. While I don't find that unhealthy, I also don't think it's universal or appropriate for everyone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

One reason monogamy is important to me is that, as I said above, I tend to want a LOT of time and sex with my partner, new or old.

 

My question for those who don't prefer monogamy: do you not have that strong desire to spend as much time as possible with a new partner? Do you lose interest in spending time with an established partner?

[S_A]

I prefer monogamy because I do not have the maturity or the capacity to love more than 1 partner romantically. You can probably say I'm broken in this regard

[redtail]

Are you saying that people who are happy with monogamy don't ever have sexual thoughts about others? I fail to believe that a person loses attractions to others upon entering a monogamous relationship. I also don't feel most people could share their attraction to someone openly with their partner. Therefore they must suppress such feelings.

 

I personally don't see this as suppression of feelings, but rather the desire to not act on them. As an adult, there are thoughts that may pass through one's mind but maturity, experience and wisdom help us to decide those we need to act on and those we do not need to act on. Some people foster the ability to deal with random impulses others do not.

[RightThere]

What is it about exclusivity that people desire, when it's setting so many people up for deception and failure of relationships?

 

I think you're asking a question you've already inserted your own judgement into.

 

Monogamy isn't the issue. It's honesty.

 

If two people want to be in a monogamous relationship, then everything should be fine.

 

If two people don't want to be monogamous, that is OK too. The problem is when one people isn't honest about their desire to be with other people. This "it's genetic, we're wired to sleep with multiple people" stuff is nonsense.

 

Not everyone wants to be with as many people as they can. Same as others don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. There is nothing wrong with either. Just as long as everyone is honest.

[elaine567]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200802/the-paradox-polygamy-ii-why-most-women-benefit-polygamy - most women benefit from polygynous society, and most men benefit from monogamous society.

I think there is a huge difference between some women "saying" they they would love to be the third, fourth, fifth... tenth wife of a highly desirable man, and living the actual reality of being that third, fourth, fifth... tenth wife...

 

I guess most women couldn't think of anything worse than being in a harem with some guy who felt entitled to have lots of women at his beck and call.

 

The thought that modern Western women would be better off in a polygynous society is laughable.

 

Rose McDermott links polygyny to poor health and social outcomes | Harvard Magazine -

Through her analysis of global statistics, McDermott found that women in polygynous societies are exposed to higher levels of physical and sexual abuse, have greater numbers of children, are more likely to die in childbirth, have shorter lifespans, have lower levels of education, are more subject to sex trafficking and female genital mutilation, are treated less equally than men, and are more discriminated against under the law. Furthermore, the harms are not just associated with women. Boys in polygynous societies are ejected from their communities, as there are not enough women for all to marry.

I am not really surprised that polygynous societies are not good for women but it is interesting to also note the effect it also has on the "unwanted" boys and men.*

 

*The outcasts from these largely agrarian communities often end up on the street, poor and unskilled. “They’re a high-risk group,” says McDermott, noting that young, unmarried men are more prone, statistically, to committing violent acts.

[Morro72]

This is so true, at least for me. With kids and jobs, my husband and I barely get enough 1:1 adult time. Absurd in my mind to think we'd sacrifice any of it to be with other partners.

Then there's the way my wife sometimes puts it: "One man is enough trouble. Why the heck would I want two of 'em?"

[Realist3]

I think you're asking a question you've already inserted your own judgement into.

 

Monogamy isn't the issue. It's honesty.

 

If two people want to be in a monogamous relationship, then everything should be fine.

 

If two people don't want to be monogamous, that is OK too. The problem is when one people isn't honest about their desire to be with other people. This "it's genetic, we're wired to sleep with multiple people" stuff is nonsense.

 

Not everyone wants to be with as many people as they can. Same as others don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. There is nothing wrong with either. Just as long as everyone is honest.

 

I agree with everything you said, BUT there is also reality. We humans, more often than not, side with the reality of the situation.

 

I can only speak from a male's perspective, but most males I know at one point in time lied their asses off to get into a woman's pants. Why? Because it is met with the extenuating circumstances of the moment. "To get laid or not to get laid?" 9 times out of 10 the carnal desires of the moment will far outweigh the holy quest for honesty.

 

Let's be perfectly honest; poly has not been something that has been socially acceptable since... 3000 years ago. Until recently stating you were poly would limit your chances from maybe 5 in 10 to about .0000001 in 10.

 

None of what I said is to diminish either, but more to show that people will conform to the expectations of society to get their needs met. And that may include being dishonest, even with the ones they love.

[central]

I think there is a huge difference between some women "saying" they they would love to be the third, fourth, fifth... tenth wife of a highly desirable man, and living the actual reality of being that third, fourth, fifth... tenth wife...

 

I guess most women couldn't think of anything worse than being in a harem with some guy who felt entitled to have lots of women at his beck and call.

 

The thought that modern Western women would be better off in a polygynous society is laughable.

 

Rose McDermott links polygyny to poor health and social outcomes | Harvard Magazine -

I am not really surprised that polygynous societies are not good for women but it is interesting to also note the effect it also has on the "unwanted" boys and men.*

 

*The outcasts from these largely agrarian communities often end up on the street, poor and unskilled. “They’re a high-risk group,” says McDermott, noting that young, unmarried men are more prone, statistically, to committing violent acts.

 

The negative consequences of traditional polygamy are why I'm actually opposed to polygamy in principle. Polygamy is typically one man and multiple women, and often based in coercive and abusive religious doctrine. That is a recipe for bad outcomes for women and for the marginalized men.

 

 

I am in favor of informed, consensual polyamory. Men and women can both have multiple partners. My personal preference in this area is a fairly equal division of both men and women having additional partners, so the net effect is no different than the current situation. Even better, IMO, is most people having a primary relationship (sort of like most do now) and then having the freedom to have secondary relationships to provide for variety and various needs that the primary partner can't or won't. You can still have monogamy (one MARRIAGE) but multiple other emotional/sexual partners. Most people equate monogamy with sexual and emotional exclusivity, but that's not necessary.

[roycobb99]

Sorry RCobb99, but you are in error,

 

 

Just because I have a different opinion than you doesn't make me "in error" your "facts" are no more definitive than mine, sorry..

[John Bigboote]

One reason monogamy is important to me is that, as I said above, I tend to want a LOT of time and sex with my partner, new or old.

 

My question for those who don't prefer monogamy: do you not have that strong desire to spend as much time as possible with a new partner? Do you lose interest in spending time with an established partner?

 

I think that's an excellent and challenging question. Speaking only for myself (as always), I would rather say that I like spending a lot of time with my partners (plural), and that allowing one person to monopolize my time for too long would make me feel cut-off and neglectful of other connections that I treasure just as much.

 

As far as time management is concerned, I feel like when monogamous people try to imagine the poly life, they often don't quite imagine it all the way. They imagine me dividing my time and spending less and less time with each partner, leaving them sad and alone while not imagining that my partners also have other partners to spend time with themselves. Or they imagine me having to "share" my partner and not having additional partners of my own. The reality is a web of partners with other partners of varying degrees.

 

Of course you can feel like you want to be with a new partner all the time, but to actually do it would be neglectful of your old ones. But luckily, most poly people understand NRE so that while you're in it, they can (for a time) allow *their* other partners to take up the slack. For a time. In return, you give *them* time when they are in NRE.

 

And of course you don't need to spend as much time with them as NRE fades. Frankly, when I read boards like this, monogamous culture feels so codependent to me. I would never want it, the ALWAYS with the person, ALWAYS ALWAYS, and hardly ever with others like friends, and when you are, it's still TOGETHER. Honestly, no thanks. Give me some space! I have one partner who I'm emotionally perfect with, another who shares hobby #1, another who shares hobby #2, and another who is super great in bed. Each of them in turn has other partners of their own, and so the time each of us spends, total, with romantic partners is probably about the same as you spend with your one. It's just that instead of one, it's some of each.

 

Except that I get the bonus of also having time with *more than one partner at a time*, which is doubly super. Ideally, most of my time would be spent in family-mode, with all/most of my partners, and their partners present. Those are the best times.

 

That all probably sounds horrible to monogamous people, but that's OK by me. It's the way I and my family are happiest. And monogamy is the way you and your family are happiest. Let's all just be cool and accepting of one another and let each other be happy.

[xxoo]

 

That all probably sounds horrible to monogamous people, but that's OK by me. It's the way I and my family are happiest. And monogamy is the way you and your family are happiest. Let's all just be cool and accepting of one another and let each other be happy.

 

It does sound unappealing to me, but I don't judge it. I often defend it from a "different strokes" perspective. It's just not for me, at all. I've been married over 20 years, and haven't yet felt the need for space from my husband. My kids--yup! But not my husband.

 

Also, I'm not a huge people person, so all those extra relationships to manage sound like a nightmare.

 

And that's another reason why monogamy is so important to me

[RightThere]

I can only speak from a male's perspective, but most males I know at one point in time lied their asses off to get into a woman's pants. Why? Because it is met with the extenuating circumstances of the moment. "To get laid or not to get laid?" 9 times out of 10 the carnal desires of the moment will far outweigh the holy quest for honesty.

 

I'll buy that, but really that "most males lied to get laid" refers to single guys or guys wanting to cheat on their wives. Again, both not wanting to be in a monogamous relationship.

 

9 out of 10 guys who are married and want to be in a monogamous relationship aren't out lying their pants off just to get laid by some chick at the bar.

 

Let's be perfectly honest; poly has not been something that has been socially acceptable since... 3000 years ago. Until recently stating you were poly would limit your chances from maybe 5 in 10 to about .0000001 in 10.

 

So based on your stats, half of all people want to be in a poly relationship? No offence, but that is just a totally made up stat.

 

I don't doubt that there are lots of people that want to be in a poly relationship. And there is nothing wrong with that. My issue is that socially acceptable or not, monogamy isn't a problem for lots of people. The ones who it is a problem for and are married can't blame it on BEING in a monogamous relationship. The problem is they LIED about wanting to be in a monogamous relationship and now want to blame their situation instead of themselves.

[elaine567]

My issue is that socially acceptable or not, monogamy isn't a problem for lots of people.

The ones who it is a problem for and are married can't blame it on BEING in a monogamous relationship.

The problem is they LIED about wanting to be in a monogamous relationship and now want to blame their situation instead of themselves.

 

^^^this^^^