Why is monogamy important to you?

[kendahke]

I'm curious as to why monogamy is so important to most people in a relationship?

 

Because I don't like messiness in relationships with grown men, especially over the age of 55. I don't like sloppy seconds, I don't like double-minded men, who are unstable in all their ways. I dont' like men who lack the discipline to be monogamous--because contrary to what you think, monogamy is very easy to do. I've always been monogamous when in committed, exclusive relationships.

 

Lets face it, there is a lot of cheating going on. Even if you're not cheating, you're at least guilty of sexual thoughts about others.

 

See folks, this above is exactly how cheaters give themselves permission to exercise their selfishness. The easier thing to do is to not enter into relationship agreements with people who believe in exclusivity. That's where the problems start. If you want to spread it around like Miracle Whip, then find someone who thinks the same way you do. You aren't entitled to be with someone who thinks the opposite of you and then spend all your time trying to twist them around to think as you do--that never, ever works in the end. Everyone reverts back to being who they really are in the end. If you like your life messy, then find a messy lover.

 

It's in our nature to want to have sex with people we find attractive.

 

It's in our nature to also avoid doing hard work in our lives, but guess what? We gotta do it.

 

What you're actually intimating here is that because you find someone attractive, that means that you are entitled to a FWB relationship with them on your terms alone, even if they do not agree to those terms, and they are obligated to subjugate their own views and beliefs so you don't have to hear their objections.

 

What is it about exclusivity that people desire, when it's setting so many people up for deception and failure of relationships?

 

If there is deception and failure, it's because the one who cannot muster the requisite consideration for their partner lied to themselves and their partner going into this relationship that they could do the monogamous work when they knew full well going in that they could not--only because they felt they were entitled to have their way/get what they wanted.

 

IOW: selfishness. And selfishness is the base, fundamental reason for cheating.

[Clockwork]

I'm curious as to why monogamy is so important to most people in a relationship?

 

When I was younger, I believed in monogamy. Mainly it was because it was what I was taught. I went away from this thinking because I feel conditional love is not functional. An important aspect of my marriage is that it's a safe place where we can share our thoughts and feelings openly without judgment. The connection and acceptance of one another seems to bring us closer.

 

I feel that a condition like monogamy, creates a situation where partners can't be honest, or they face recourse. Lets face it, there is a lot of cheating going on. Even if you're not cheating, you're at least guilty of sexual thoughts about others. It's in our nature to want to have sex with people we find attractive.

 

What is it about exclusivity that people desire, when it's setting so many people up for deception and failure of relationships?

 

I think if you truly love someone you don't want to have another person do the same things you do to them because they are personal to you. That's just normal to not want your spouse to cheat on you, and vice-versa.

 

 

Just because you don't physically do it doesn't mean you never have lustful thoughts about someone else. I've told my wife that I've had lustful thoughts since we've been married of other women but that it is only ever a momentary lapse and I would never act on it.

 

 

That's honesty and trust right there. She knows a man will look. But she also knows I am still a wild animal around her.

[Thegameoflife]

My 2 pennies....

The problem with an open relationship is that emotions get involved. Having sex with someone you like is fantastic, the endorphins and hormones are in complete overload. With your partner, you've already lived through all that and become bored with them. Your partner falls by the wayside, it has to, it's nature.

 

I was in an affair. and I couldn't get enough of my AP. When my partner had an affair that I gave her permission to have it was probably the same thing.

 

The sex part didn't bother me, it was the ego part where I thought, am I not enough? We are still together and stronger than ever and monogamous.

 

There is so much more to marriage than sex, but in the mind, sex is the fuel of fantasy.

 

The OP, I believe, has a wife that's bi and while he's open to, opening up the relationship for both, she's reluctant on his end.

 

For some, it works, I have friends who are into swinging and have a great time. I think she loves the attention and has low self esteem. He manipulates her and doesn't really respect her.

 

I'd be open to it, because I'm not really that jealous, as long as it was even on both sides and communicated everything.

 

The bold part is kind of sad.

 

Yes, my wife is bi. I'm perfectly fine with monogamy. I'm not looking to have some kind of open season to sleep with other women. What I want is function. If she meets someone that she likes, I want us to be a family. I don't want a situation where she spends half of her life with someone else, somewhere else. I don't even care about being let in on the physical side of the relationship. I would just prefer that we all worked as a team with shared goals. However, if she wants to live a second life I'm excluded from, but the offer isn't extended to me, I'll find someone new and move on.

[elaine567]

The bold part is kind of sad.

 

Yes, my wife is bi. I'm perfectly fine with monogamy. I'm not looking to have some kind of open season to sleep with other women. What I want is function. If she meets someone that she likes, I want us to be a family. I don't want a situation where she spends half of her life with someone else, somewhere else. I don't even care about being let in on the physical side of the relationship. I would just prefer that we all worked as a team with shared goals. However, if she wants to live a second life I'm excluded from, but the offer isn't extended to me, I'll find someone new and move on.

 

The old saying is "twos company, three's a crowd" and that is essentially why monogamy works.

YOUR team works atm because there are two of you, you decide between the two of you how you want things done and how your relationship works.

Add in another equal with their thoughts and feelings and how they like things done and it starts to get messy.

Three equal partners can sometimes work, but it can end up with two ganging up the third and the third being pushed out and made a scapegoat.

It is even messier here because it is not really three completely equal partners. Your wife will have a core relationship with YOU AND her female partner, but you will only have a core relationship with your wife.

YOUR wife would have to juggle her thoughts and feelings to accommodate both her relationships and that for YOU I guess will be hard, as you will necessarily sometimes have to accept a secondary role, your thoughts and feelings about things at times may be deemed immaterial.

[cocorico]

IMHO, polygamy connotates a certain emotional dilettantism, a lack of focus on your partner. But that's just me ...

 

I don't agree with this, based on polygamous households I know IRL (polygamy is legal in my home country). The same way that a parent can love more than one child, a polygamous spouse can love more than one spouse. Their focus may be shared among partners, it's true, but the same is true with parents of more than one child. They are not loved less.

[Morro72]

Interpersonal relationships are difficult, particularly for people.

 

In a monogamous relationship, there are two people and one interpersonal relationship. With three people, there are three relationships. With four, there are six relationships. I assume poly folks have some strategy for making sure that the three or six or whatever relationships are not three or six times as difficult as the one relationship of a monogamous couple, or that there are other benefits which compensate for the added complexity.

 

If there's some scholarship on this topic I'd be interested in having a look at it. Most of what I've seen is advocacy (pro or anti) and doesn't tell me much about how things work in real poly relationships over an extended period of time.

[OldRover]

I don't agree with this, based on polygamous households I know IRL (polygamy is legal in my home country). The same way that a parent can love more than one child, a polygamous spouse can love more than one spouse. Their focus may be shared among partners, it's true, but the same is true with parents of more than one child. They are not loved less.

 

Well... maybe. Even with multiple children there can be various difference in how the are loved. Perhaps not the goal, but happens. Now add multiple parents and now you have to all agree on how the kids are raised..... and then work out the relationship between the husbands and wives.

 

WAY to complicated for me, and way to risky. To much of a chance of playing favorites.... like this wife is better for sex, yet the second wife things she is the best and you get difference levels of feelings that cause difficulty. Now put multiple wives into one kitchen and holy sh**! I've seen the results of that... disastrous.

[infiniteQuest]

In the video below, the author makes an excellent point about the importance of sustaining lust in a marriage in support of the feminine erotic nature. As a woman, this hits very close to home, as I have observed, in my own relationships and in others', that from a man's perspective, lusting after the same woman takes a backseat after the "honeymoon" period (or NRE for polys) has passed. So often, people only barely scratch the surface of their partner before problems take over, or getting bored and moving on to the next.

 

The reason I want monogamy is that I dare hope, that there are men out there, who are intensely interested in exploring eroticism further than the honeymoon phase, are curious about unraveling it though the different stages of life and facets of the woman they are with, and who want the challenge of discovering the treasures that lie deep within. Basically I don't believe that monogamy needs to be equal with faded lust or diminished sexual desire or boring sex. To me it should go the other way around, the more you get to know your partner's erotic nature, the wider should become your playing field with them. With that mindset, I think the need to explore sexual variety would fall by the wayside.

 

 

"Search "Have sexier sex to save a marriage"

Edited July 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Commercial link redacted

[OldRover]

You make a good point and I agree. And, yes there are men out there that will explore the next level after the honeymoon stage. I was that guy... for years, and it worked quite well.

Edited July 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[thespacey1]

Are you saying that people who are happy with monogamy don't ever have sexual thoughts about others? I fail to believe that a person loses attractions to others upon entering a monogamous relationship. I also don't feel most people could share their attraction to someone openly with their partner. Therefore they must suppress such feelings.

 

Well, "swingers" share these thoughts and actions all the time. But like another poster said, STDs and life are real. Another motivation for Monogomy...

[thespacey1]

You make a good point and I agree. And, yes there are men out there that will explore the next level after the honeymoon stage. I was that guy... for years, and it worked quite well.

 

So what happened? What made that relationship end, if you don't mind responding.

[OldRover]

So what happened? What made that relationship end, if you don't mind responding.

 

Substance abuse. The last several years of that relationship turn ugly without any solution, so it was terminated. The problem was eventually solved.

[Iron Bubba]

Casual sex has no meaning or love and I want to be in a loving relationship that has meaning.

[Popsicle]

No ones forcing monogamy on you. Just go find someone who is also not monogamous. Don't force your free love on monogamous people and they won't force their monogamy on you. Be honest and upfront, accept when you don't agree, and move on. It's that simple.

[newlywedder]

Being monogamous is very important, especially in this day and age. It protects you against deadly STDs, unwanted pregnancies, cervical cancer, etc. Besides the health benefits, being with only one person gives you a a deep spiritual and emotional connection.

[nouedis]

Monogamy is imperative to me because I used to be the guy that did the cheating and never cared for the girl I cheated on. I didn't start fully caring about people's emotions until I had my son back in 2013 and then my daughter in 2014, so I got the best of both worlds and I'm trying to cope with it all at a young age (21). Anyway, I had the best woman and I ruined her, I destroyed her, I made her into the **** she hates the most: a version of myself. That's irrelevant, though. Back to monogamy, I like it and believe it and want it because it shows the devotion it is you have for someone and that someone for you. It gives you an idea of how a beautiful future 2 people could have if they just devoted their time and effort on each other. Nowadays, monogamy is rare to find with all these dating websites, all these apps and all the texting going on you can never truly be sure you're the only guy/chick he/she is talking to, you know?

[Justcurious3]

I'm curious as to why monogamy is so important to most people in a relationship?

 

When I was younger, I believed in monogamy. Mainly it was because it was what I was taught. I went away from this thinking because I feel conditional love is not functional. An important aspect of my marriage is that it's a safe place where we can share our thoughts and feelings openly without judgment. The connection and acceptance of one another seems to bring us closer.

 

I feel that a condition like monogamy, creates a situation where partners can't be honest, or they face recourse. Lets face it, there is a lot of cheating going on. Even if you're not cheating, you're at least guilty of sexual thoughts about others. It's in our nature to want to have sex with people we find attractive.

 

What is it about exclusivity that people desire, when it's setting so many people up for deception and failure of relationships?

Safety, love, Trust, child rearing, STDs... Those are reasons why monogamy is important in my marriage.

 

Ultimately, the only thing that matters is that couples are on the same page when it comes to monogamy.

 

We naturally are going to find other's attractive or think sexuality about others, but that is not cheating no one can police their own thoughts. So expecting someone to never be attracted to someone else or never think sexually about someone else is extremely ridiculous.

[Vercetti]

Rather simple, do you know what my future plans are? Are you willing to lockstep you life with mine to make them happen? Would you work as a team with me and reject everything that stands in way of plans? Would you give me everything? Would you hold my hand on my deathbed?

 

A closed relationship isn't the thing to be questioned. Relationships that never really existed and become confused / destroyed over short sighted stupidity are the ones to wonder about. Would hope most people get mature enough to know having scores of friends is laughable. When it comes to long term relationships and real plans for future that comes quickly, there is no room for useless eaters that should have invested thier limited time better.