One night stand vs. affair

[wanting to heal]

My wife had a one night stand a month ago. See my post "Wife in midlife crisis"

 

It was not an affair. I am convinced of that. She was drunk and a lady friend seemed to be enabling the whole thing to happen. She encouraged my wife to come stay the night with her, knowing that the guy my wife danced with would be coming over also. The "enabler" friend works with the guy that my wife had sex with. Sadly, I think the enabler thought she would show my wife a "good time". Instead, she helped my wife break vows and now my wife deals with the feeling that she was used by this guy for a lay.

 

After counseling and a month with many talks, I am doing very well. My wife is coping pretty well, but now I see that she hurt herself too, not just me and my daughter. I feel that we had very poor communication in our marriage and it was the culprit. I was about to leave anyway because. It's like we worked so little on our love that this was bound to happen.

 

These threads almost always deal with AFFAIRS. Do you think that a one night stand is different? I think they are. My wife has expressed her remorse. I see that it has affected her a lot, and it does not seem to be an act. It hurts anyway, but I really feel for those that have lived with a spouse that had a long term affair.

 

Knowing that this only happened once is what allows me to be optomistic and look ahead.

[HotCaliGirl]

I guess one way to compare the two is that an affair could be seen as a one night stand - repeated over and over again, so the hurt would be compounding instead of giving it time to heal, plus of course more emotional ties would be formed wtih a long term affair, whereas in your wife's case, the only emotion that developed was feeling used by that drunk man. Being drunk is still no excuse to cheat of course. Neither is blaming the friend...

 

Some people 'slip up' with a ONE TIME one night stand, but more than once and I would categorize it in the affair column as far as the severity of it, despite no emotions having been developed.

[RecordProducer]

I think a one-night stand is definitely different from an affair. It happened, she was drunk, she was set up. Your marriage was in crisis and she feels bad about what she did.

It's okay to forgive. Don't tell me you never ever cheated on her!

[harleygirl92156]

My husband had a one night stand three times with the same women. He was drunk, very drunk the first time and second and the third. He says the first time was a huge mistake and he was devestated, but she kept hanging around and wanting to drink with him and hook up again. When he went to drink she was there and two more times after the first time he did it "because it was there and it was easy because he knew she was willing."

 

So it was an affair in terms of definition, but it was really three one night stands with the same women. Drinking being the main factor.

 

I would guess alcohol is a big factor in many if not most affairs.

[st8toftheheart]

Hmmm...

 

Funny when I am around drunk women, they never seem to want to sleep with me.

 

I say that tongue in cheeck because I still believe that if she really didn't want to have sex that nite she could have said no. So as always, this one night stands was a sympton of a larger problem.

 

You seem to put alot of blame on the enabler, forgetting that yoru wife allowed herself to be enabled.

 

Guilt is always a factor, whether it is a lot or a little.

 

So I would stop focusing on the on night stand.

 

You said that you were considering leaving anyway, so your marriage was already in toruble. Focus on that. And in my opinion not being able to communicate doesn;t mean you can';t talk to one another. Body language, facial expression, even ingoring each other communicates alot.

 

Deal with that first, and these issue will be part of that resolution.

[whichwayisup]

Either way trust has completely been broken. A long term affair or even a short term affair is worse because it just didn't happen that ONE time. The person DECIDED to continue.

[Cecelius]

In the end, I think the affair is worse because there is a continuing sense of loss associated with it from the following analysis: any cheating results in instant dumping ( though I've only had to do it once ). It is a foregone conclusion that she'll get dumped no matter what, whether I am wounded or not is really just a question of how decently I remember her.

 

While I would not be thrilled if my SO came to me and indicated that she had feelings for someone else that had been with her for a while (and I assume the physicall actions that go with it), from a simple emotional economic efficiency standpoint, I'd assume she'd decided that the other person was better for her generally, and my own sense of loss really wouldn't be that much worse than if she'd just dumped me and then taken up with him. I'd be surprised if I didn't see it coming either, so it shouldn't come as a shock -- I also tend to believe that if I didn't see it coming, then I've got my own issues to worry about.

 

Net result is that I regret not being a romantic match for her, and regret the loss of association at least somewhat.

 

The ONS, however, would just make me think she was cheap, to give it up like that. Certainly if I have attempted to treat her decently, dated her, courted her, etc., and she's going to head to the sack just like that with someone else, it tends to sour my view on her as a human being. In that case, my only regret is that I didn't pick a better person, and I can walk away a lot cooler, and without regret.

 

All of this is my opinion, and only reflects my own views and experiences.

[wanting to heal]

Sorry Record Producer, I have not cheated. I did have a friendship with another woman two years ago that was going too far, but it was not sexual. We never even kissed. I ended that because I did not like where it might go. You will probably call that an emotional affair, and I understand that.

 

Me and the wife have had issues for three years. She was a virgin when we married 23 yrs ago and she was honest enough with me to admit that she always had curiosities. Now she tells me that the whole ONS was a big sexual disappointment. He talked her through the whole process like he was a pro. She felt imtimidated, it was nothing like she thought. It was like he was treating her like she was lucky to be with him. He was just coming out of a two year affair with another older married woman. I guess he is a pro. She said she was naive enough to think that being with him alone would not lead to sex. He had been befriending her, and she says that now it all seems to be part of the plan. She said that she had no plan at all to do him.

 

I think having a buff guy half her age want to do her was a bit of a rush. I have never had that situation, so I try not to judge. I just feel that if Jessica Simpson propositioned me I would say no. I only have eyes for my wife, and I believe in promises.

 

I believe that the distance and our relationship, her curiosity, his want to get some, and mostly alcohol caused the one night stand. The low-moral woman she partied with that night did not help. I am not blaming that woman entirely, but not many "friends" would encourage a woman with marriage issues to cheat. That woman brought my wife and the guy back to her house and quickly ducked out of the picture and left them alone. She had an extra bedroom in the house, so he could have slept on the couch and my wife in the BR. She suggested that they "sleep" on her L-shaped oversized couch in the living room. When my wife told her the next morning what happened, she said "Well, you are consenting adults". My wife said that was the last thing she expected to hear.

 

My wife made her choice that night, and it was a bad one. It was bad in my eyes, and now I can see that she is really beating herself up. It took a while for her remorse to come out, but it has. More importantly, the concentration on our relationship is great. She keeps mentioning that she is "fixing herself". I believe her. I also know that I have to "fix" any needs that I was not fulfilling.

 

That is why I think dealing with a one-night stand is much easier than overcoming an affair. I did not say easy, just easier.

[reservoirdog1]

Whatever happens, W2H, the lady "friend" who enabled your wife to cheat on you must henceforth be persona non grata. Anyone who would encourage somebody to do what she did -- and furthermore, take steps to see that they did it -- is not much of a friend to your wife and is an enemy to you and your marriage. She did what she did knowing it would hurt you, and she wasn't subject to the swirl of emotions and uncertainty that your wife may have been.

 

That "friend" is poison. Your wife should write her out of her life and not associate with her again.

[TUDOR]

Originally posted by wanting to heal

I ended that because I did not like where it might go. You will probably call that an emotional affair, and I understand that.

 

You hit on something there that I think is a big distinguishing factor between one night stands and affairs. Affairs typical involve more emotions and opening up to the other person. I would consider an affair much worse for that reason. Both involve giving to some one else what was promised to be forsaken to all others and a gift that was given for only you to have. But an affair goes a step further in my opinion and allows them to not only give up their physical self but also their mental self. Affairs allow someone in your head not just your pants. While a one night stand can be chalked up to moment of weakness, an affair is calculated and planned and on going. We punish crimes differently on this same notion, ie: Crimes of Passion verses Premeditated Crimes.

 

Either way it us up to you to forgive her and see if there is a chance to save your marriage. But I don't see trying to find the lessor of two evils in what she did making it any easier on you.

[StillHurtin]

I am sorry your W hurt you. I hope your M can survive her one night stand. I questioned myself on the one night stand vs. the affair myself. A friend of mine had a H that also cheated on her. She said it was a one night stand b/c they only slept w/ eachother once and it was when they were both drunk. She kicked him out of her home and filed for a D but he wanted to work on the M so she let him come back and they started MC. She then found out he was still seeing her but she said they never slept w/ eachother again. She kicked him out, again, but took him back, again. When I told her my H had an A and slept w/ her several times and even wrote her love letters and poems, she said she would of NEVER taken her H back if he would of done that. She seemed to think it was ok for her H to have a one night stand during their M when she thought they had a good M, but it wasn't ok for my H to have an A when we were seperated. Oh well, I guess it's not her life. I think an A is harder than a one night stand. It wasn't right of your W to do what she did and it was wrong of her friend for what she did. I know I wouldn't allow her to be friends w/her anymore b/c she almost was a part of ruining your M. Seems to me that she wants to break you two up and she thought that was a way of doing it. Sad situation.

[veryremorseful]

I might be wrong but I would like to present my views about this situation here.

 

It surely does not look like an affair. I dont know why ur wife chose to do this as you know from my thread I dont know why I chose to do whatever I did. But sometimes people however controlled and confident they might appear they are not. As in my case I had serious issues with self esteem, self worth and self identity. When people have these issues they might try to look around at friends who might seem happier and more popular than them and wish they were like them.

 

Before I fell into this inappropriate friendship, I have been chatting with a friend from college. She is married, has 2 kids and has a loving H(what more should people desire for in life). But she has serious character issues. She would argue with me why should she be faithful to her H isnt it enough that she takes care of him, his kids, and his house. She wanted to have sex with some guy from work. I would try to make her understand that it is wrong, try to imagine herself in her H's shoes etc. she would counterargue that one lives life only once and in that lifetime they should do things that please them. She said it was some Ayn Randish philosophy. Even though I did not agree with her but when people connect their thoughts to good authors like Ayn Rand it does make some impact on one's mind even though it might have been small. I was also interacting with another married woman friend at work who was deeply attracted to a colleague at work. I was somehow able to explain to her the costs and consequences and I guess she did not proceed with her thoughts. What I am trying hard to tell is even though it might seem that people around dont have any effect and your wife is mature enough not to get effected but she might somewhere be affected by the views of people she hangs out with. So it is very important for both of you to have pro marriage and happily married couples around you. Whe u see happily married people you tend to think we can also be like them if you both love each other. If you surround yourself with anti marriage, unhappy people even if you love each other your problems might seem heavier than they actually are.

 

Thanks for noting on my thread that it was about me and my H and not about rick. I stopped posting as it became a Rick thread. As for my update my H is very saddened by my actions and I am very sddened by my actions. There have been weeks when I have felt totally characterless and worthless. Like I remembered this phrase I learnt in school " If wealth is lost nothing is lost, if health is lost something is lost, if character is lost everything is lost", and I cried and cried for 3 days as the thought that I am charcaterless(I have lost everything)now worried me to death. Soemtimes I feel why should I live I have hurt everyone so badly then it goes away. I was feeling ok yesterday I dont know how today is going to turn out. My H has immersed himself into work which seems to work for him. He will be busy with his thesis etc for soemtime.

I hope and pray that things work out for you. If you both love each other I think you should give her a chance. After all you live for 23 years together and you have so much to lose if you just give up.

[wanting to heal]

I had to get over my mess. Your husband needs to also.

 

I think he would lose a lot if he hangs onto the "holier than thou" approach. He needs time to hurt, but at a point he needs to be your friend and catch you when you are reaching out to him.

 

If he treats you like a tramp and a wild infidel long enough he may convince you that you are one. I do not see that in you, like I did not see that in my wife.

[b52srock]

This is the kind of thing that is causing my marriage to end.

 

I had a one night stand with a man nearly 6 years ago. Husband never forgave me, even though I did everything in my power to make things right. I knew what I did was wrong and did a complete 180 in my life. I became the perfect wife. Of course, I had to put up with nightly interrogations about it for nearly a year, which would have made some people throw in the towel, but I loved my husband and my children and hoped that I could make things better. Nothing I did means a damn, unfortunately.

 

Roll back to 5 years into our marriage. He had a one night stand. I let it go. Never even brought it up again. Forgave him even though I never forgot about it.

 

Unfortunately, he couldn't do the same for me.

 

Now he's been in an affair with a woman he worked with for I believe, two years. Nearly a year that I know of for sure. The thing that eats at me the most over this is that I begged him to go to couples counselling with me. He refused. When he moved out over a year ago I asked again. He went twice and decided he didn't like what the counsellor was telling him and refused to go back.

 

I haven't had the opportunity to grill him every night about every blessed detail. I haven't had the opportunity to ask him where he's been when he takes too long at the grocery store. Ihaven't had the opportunity to ask him who was on the phone every time it rings.

 

I forgave, yet he cannot. Now he's been sleeping with this wh*re for a long time and yet I'm the ogre. I filed for divorce because I just couldn't take it any more. So yes, there's a big difference between a one night stand and a long running affair. There's also a big difference between what a man will forgive and what a woman will forgive.

 

We tarnish their manhood with a one night stand and we can never be forgiven.

They destroy our marriages with long-running affairs and yet its supposed to be OK.

 

What a crock.

[cranium]

There's also a big difference between what a man will forgive and what a woman will forgive. We tarnish their manhood with a one night stand and we can never be forgiven. They destroy our marriages with long-running affairs and yet its supposed to be OK. What a crock.

 

MW had a 10 month affair with a single co-worker. 5 months into the A, she asked me out of the blue for a separation. She swore to me there was no one else. I contacted a counselor and we started MC. 6 months into the affair, she slept with him the first time (while we were actively in MC). 2 months later she brought him to our house while I was out of town on a trip with our son. She got caught.

Now, I have forgiven her and we are in a better place than we have been in a long time. Me forgiving her is a gift to myself. There is not always a big difference between what men and women will forgive.

[LoveNoLoss]

This is a toughy. Both are infidelity and both are devestating however, I would have to say that a long term affair is worse. Usually that entails more emotions and a connection with someone. You can't get that in one night. In my husband's case, he had 7 affairs in which a few were one night stands and a few were longer term with one being over two years. The fact that he was with someone for two years is probably more hurtful then the ONS. However, in his case he never got emotionally involved with any of them and even dropped them like hot rocks when D-Day hit. The women were only there for "worshipping" purposes. I do think a ONS is easier to deal with than a long term affair. Not minimalising your hurt of course. I am sorry this happened. Hopefully you can work it out and get past it but it won't be easy. I am trying to work on getting over 7 affairs

[TUDOR]

Originally posted by LoveNoLoss

This is a toughy. Both are infidelity and both are devestating however, I would have to say that a long term affair is worse. Usually that entails more emotions and a connection with someone. You can't get that in one night. In my husband's case, he had 7 affairs in which a few were one night stands and a few were longer term with one being over two years. The fact that he was with someone for two years is probably more hurtful then the ONS. However, in his case he never got emotionally involved with any of them and even dropped them like hot rocks when D-Day hit. The women were only there for "worshipping" purposes. I do think a ONS is easier to deal with than a long term affair. Not minimalising your hurt of course. I am sorry this happened. Hopefully you can work it out and get past it but it won't be easy. I am trying to work on getting over 7 affairs

 

I'm impressed he even owned up to 7! That sucks, I'm sorry!

[LoveNoLoss]

He didn't... he owned up to a few... but then his number would change from 3 to 4 because he couldnt remember what he told me... I found out about the others talking to one of his OW. The one he was with for the longest knew about others he was sleeping with. So... basically, he confessed all the OW to the OW and then she told me.

[wanting to heal]

hey b 52's

 

Read my post "Wife in midlife crisis, was it a one night stand"

 

Look at what I have lived with. Look at what I have decided to "Love her through". Do not categorize us all.

 

Many men are macho a**h***s with a double standard. Some of us wonder if we are just co-dependent puppy dogs that keep getting kicked and not running away.

 

I think my M will work. If it does not, it will not be due to the ONS. I will be because we have damn near nothing in common, other than our 17 yr old daughter. Once she is gone and we have to be happy alone we are going to face a real test. I do not know if we will pass that test. If we do not it will not be because we did not study for it. We are in counseling, but I wonder if we are both asking the other to be something that they are not.

 

Remember, we are all different.

[RecordProducer]

You have some nice points of view. When I drink I often do things I don't want to do and say things I don't want to say. But I often say and do things I want to say and do when I am sober, but don't have the courage or even the desire. The drunk state of mind is another world we reside in. It's a world without inhibitions. We don't know much about how our brains function, but indeed being drunk in certain situations is illegal. A drunk driver is considered a bad driver. A drunk surgeon or pilot won't perform their jobs well. So definitely the alcohol changes our brains. I've had my one-night stands (outside of marriage) when I was drunk and I wouldn't have slept with those people if I were sober, because I wouldn't like them if I were sober. But even drunk I know how to say 'no' to people I don't want to sleep with. It seems easier to say 'no' to people you're physically not attracted to even when you're drunk than because you want to be faithful.

If you forget the cheating, which you should, you can concentrate on the problems you've had and try to solve them.

You have near nothing in common except the child? That's interesting, but you withstood the test of time. You do have a family. You've been together for almost two decades and usual marriage crap have brought to other mistakes like an emotional affiar and a ONS. See, I am trying to imagine if I would be more hurt if my H had an EA with someone for two years or a ONS. And I am not sure which would hurt me more. I guess an emotional affair would stop hurting me once it's over and a ONS would hurt me always. I think I would be revengeful if my H had a ONS.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by LoveNoLoss

This is a toughy. I am trying to work on getting over 7 affairs

 

It seems to me that he simply lived a bachelor's life while being married. You say he wasn't emotionally attached to any of those women. It makes you feel good, of course, but it speaks very bad about his personality. I wouldn't be so sure that he wasn't attached to the two-year affair though, but speaking of emotions, what kind of emotions has he had during all these years for you? How can you get over 7 affairs? Is he worth it?

[LoveNoLoss]

To Record Producer,

 

As far as emotions for me, he was always loving, attentive, thoughtful and affectionate. I never doubted his feelings or love for me. Yes, not being emotionally connected does speak volumes about his personality. It frightens me. My therapist has mentioned the word Narcissist all too many times. If he is one, he isn't one in the classic sense since he never verbally or physically abused me. But, he was an excellent liar.... and if indeed he wasn't emotionally attached to any of these women it may be that he is a narcissist. He said in his own words that these women were there for his worshipping and attention. Being in a band and being gone most weekends out of the year made it very easy to live the bachlor lifestyle. He has since quit the band, dumped all the OW, changed his phone number and thrown himself into therapy. Naturally, he wants me back. I don't know if I could ever trust him.

 

I have been around musicians my whole life and I knew some that were single and they didn't have that many women! Something is very wrong with the man. Could he change? I really don't know... I know I deserve better... even another relationship with someone that I am not as compatible with would be more deserving of me. Someone that didn't put my life in danger by having unsafe sex... yes... he didn't use a condom... The really effed up thing is that I never have heard of anyone having that many affairs on their wife.. I feel like a freak

[b52srock]

Cranium...

I'm glad to hear you're a forgiving soul.

 

Unfortunately, I'm dealing with an ex-Marine/Firefigher with more pride than sense. He's willing to give up his children, his home, his wife (the only person who's ever loved him unconditionally, including his parents) because of his pride.

 

If he could have set that pride aside and gone to counselling as I had begged him to, twice, I don't think we'd be in the situation we are now. Think of how much more proud he could have been to be able to say "I forgive" or "I helped save my marriage" or "We're stronger together".

 

But we'll never know.

[Cecelius]

Everyone's different, b52, and your story has tons of later history to it that doesn't make him all that innocent, but generally speaking what you call "pride" I'd call self-respect, and if a man doesn't have that, there's not much point in having people who love him or not. I can completely see how years of history get erased in one fell blow (a ONS, an affair, whatever), and all you have to fall back on is your self-respect.