How to get over something that never was....

[fiestyfirecracker]

Hi everyone new here and kinda stuck in a rut.

 

Here's abit of insight into my situation. So I've been friends with a guy basically all my life we've confided in each other, hung out together and just basically get on like a house on fire.

 

He's been in bad relationships and so have I they've ended horrible we have confided in each other about them, dusted ourselves off and started over again.

 

Fast Forward to a few years ago we were at the bar one night and he had to leave quite suddenly but before he did he held my face and kissed me on the lips, something he'd never done before. I was shocked but just put it down to drink. There were so many things that began to go round in my head and friends would always say we were meant to be together.

 

After that I started thinking about him in a way I never had before. I would get flustered around him and couldn't get him out of my head. Yup I believe I started falling for him. I tried to tell him on many occasions but just couldn't do it. However eventually I did and he basically said he adores me but wanted to remain friends...I was crushed if I'm honest.

 

I had let myself and allowed others to let me think that we would happen and we didn't and all my dreams and aspirations for our future together were gone in that moment.

 

I was upset and afraid that we'd never go back to normal and everything would be weird I had begged him not to let it get weird between us after I confessed my feelings for him and true to his word he didn't it eventually got back to normal. This all happened in 2013.

 

Again FF to last year I decided to move out of our hometown after living there all my life, I just wanted a fresh start. I hadn't heard from him in a while because he changed his phone number and out of the blue he text me saying "I hear your moving, I'm really upset I hope we don't lose touch."

 

Naturally I told him that wouldn't happen and we became close yet again. We would message each other frequently and on Christmas Day he said he wanted to spend time with me which I thought was sweet but I sadly had to decline because I was with family.

 

We would arrange to meet for coffee and have a catch up and yup one day the butterflies returned. I was indeed falling for him again. He always seems to go above and beyond for me, I missed my last train home and he came to pick me up from my parents and drove thirty miles back to my place, he wouldn't take money for gas. I dunno why these little things mean so much but they do.

 

I've fallen for him again and I feel such a fool because I know it will never happen. I can't ask him if he's perhaps changed his feelings towards me as I feel if I do I'll lose him completely but at the same time this is eating me up. It probably sounds really crazy and trust me I hate feeling like this.

 

How do I get over this or past it? I can't continue dwelling on something that will never be. Do I cut him off? Do I distance myself?

 

Any advice would be amazing. If you need anymore background I'll be happy to tell you more.

 

Thanks folks

[casey.lives]

what do you mean how? ACCEPT REALITY; BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF

[fiestyfirecracker]

If I'm honest I don't see him ever feeling for me how I feel about him.

[tink_10050]

I've found the best way to take my mind off a man is lots of other hot men to have fun with. It doesn't completely ease the pain but believe me it really does help.

 

I know the last thing you want to do is that but just do it anyway. If you don't have dates then just go out and look at them (it helps to have your bff go with you). This will also make your "friend" take notice, even if he doesn't have feelings for you.

 

Get out and have some girl fun. No cares, no worries, just a girl that's looking for fun.

[preraph]

I mean, it's never going to happen with him. He shouldn't have kissed you on the mouth. He cared enough about you to not just sleep with you because he knew you cared, but obviously he knows that he never wanted anything serious or saw anything with you going anywhere.

 

You are in love with who you hoped he was. He isn't your ideal man because your ideal man will reciprocate your love. There's plenty you don't know about him or you'd understand why you're not someone he'd want to seriously be with. It's the stuff you don't know that is keeping you from falling out of love with this guy. And like many men, he's not showing you that because he enjoys the ego gratification of you adoring him.

 

No contact would be your best thing to do for yourself so that you could move on. You're in a new place. You know it's not going to happen. If you wanted to preserve your dignity and minimize the tugs to your heartstrings, you'd block him and not ever look at his social media again or anything. But if you want to do it the hardest way, just keep dwelling on him until you get sick of making yourself miserable for someone who doesn't even have the good taste to love you. But I beg you, meanwhile, make yourself go out with friends or go do fun things alone, but do not sit around giving yourself too much time to think and do not keep reporting what you do solely in hopes it will somehow affect him or to beg attention from him. Develop your new life without sharing it with him and just make yourself stop focusing on this lost cause.

[tink_10050]

Very wise, Preraph!

 

So true, it's what we don't know about men that keeps us from falling out of love.

 

I kept telling myself that with the last man I was with and then later found out that he was into pain and group sex. No wonder he didn't want a relationship with me, LOL.

[fiestyfirecracker]

I've found the best way to take my mind off a man is lots of other hot men to have fun with. It doesn't completely ease the pain but believe me it really does help.

 

I know the last thing you want to do is that but just do it anyway. If you don't have dates then just go out and look at them (it helps to have your bff go with you). This will also make your "friend" take notice, even if he doesn't have feelings for you.

 

Get out and have some girl fun. No cares, no worries, just a girl that's looking for fun.

 

Your right. I should get out there instead of dwelling on this and waiting for that illusive text or call where he declares his undying love for me. It's never going to happen I'm just basically torturing myself.

 

Onwards and upwards and thanks for the reply

[tink_10050]

Do it and post how things go:)

[fiestyfirecracker]

I mean, it's never going to happen with him. He shouldn't have kissed you on the mouth. He cared enough about you to not just sleep with you because he knew you cared, but obviously he knows that he never wanted anything serious or saw anything with you going anywhere.

 

You are in love with who you hoped he was. He isn't your ideal man because your ideal man will reciprocate your love. There's plenty you don't know about him or you'd understand why you're not someone he'd want to seriously be with. It's the stuff you don't know that is keeping you from falling out of love with this guy. And like many men, he's not showing you that because he enjoys the ego gratification of you adoring him.

 

No contact would be your best thing to do for yourself so that you could move on. You're in a new place. You know it's not going to happen. If you wanted to preserve your dignity and minimize the tugs to your heartstrings, you'd block him and not ever look at his social media again or anything. But if you want to do it the hardest way, just keep dwelling on him until you get sick of making yourself miserable for someone who doesn't even have the good taste to love you. But I beg you, meanwhile, make yourself go out with friends or go do fun things alone, but do not sit around giving yourself too much time to think and do not keep reporting what you do solely in hopes it will somehow affect him or to beg attention from him. Develop your new life without sharing it with him and just make yourself stop focusing on this lost cause.

 

Yeah total nail on the head stuff. I've said before he just love the fact he knows he has me wrapped around his finger and I strongly believe it.

 

I need to concentrate on me and finding someone who will love me and not have me sitting here feeling like this. It's gotten to the stage where I hope he actually finds someone so I can totally move on. I love that quote "doesn't even have the good taste to love you" that is so right and I need to start looking after number one.

 

Thanks so much for your reply it's lovely to hear things from a fresh perspective. You have no idea how much you've helped.

[fiestyfirecracker]

Do it and post how things go:)

 

Thank you I will!

[preraph]

Very wise, Preraph!

 

So true, it's what we don't know about men that keeps us from falling out of love.

 

I kept telling myself that with the last man I was with and then later found out that he was into pain and group sex. No wonder he didn't want a relationship with me, LOL.

 

Wow. Gotta love him a little for doing the favor of not staying!

[preraph]

Yeah total nail on the head stuff. I've said before he just love the fact he knows he has me wrapped around his finger and I strongly believe it.

 

I need to concentrate on me and finding someone who will love me and not have me sitting here feeling like this. It's gotten to the stage where I hope he actually finds someone so I can totally move on. I love that quote "doesn't even have the good taste to love you" that is so right and I need to start looking after number one.

 

Thanks so much for your reply it's lovely to hear things from a fresh perspective. You have no idea how much you've helped.

 

You know, if the truth were known, it would probably be something really shallow like he is still holding out for his physical ideal. One of my old tormentor's excuses was he was "used to ballerinas," which was some ideal he got in his head or some crush he had in high school -- and sadly when I talked to him 20 years later, he was still spouting the same nonsense.

 

I know it sounds kind of abstract, but it's really important as you move forward not to weave memories and reminders of him into your life. That's why I said not to involve him by informing him and preferably not to keep looking at his social media. You have to make new memories to crowd out the rut your brain has gotten into with repeated thinking about him. You have to make new neural pathways free of associations with him.

Edited July 22, 2015 by preraph

[fiestyfirecracker]

You know, if the truth were known, it would probably be something really shallow like he is still holding out for his physical ideal. One of my old tormentor's excuses was he was "used to ballerinas," which was some ideal he got in his head or some crush he had in high school -- and sadly when I talked to him 20 years later, he was still spouting the same nonsense.

 

I know it sounds kind of abstract, but it's really important as you move forward not to weave memories and reminders of him into your life. That's why I said not to involve him by informing him and preferably not to keep looking at his social media. You have to make new memories to crowd out the rut your brain has gotten into with repeated thinking about him. You have to make new neural pathways free of associations with him.

 

Yeah it probably is that. I know he has a type he's used to date one of the most pretty and popular girls at school whilst me well I'm just your girl next door tbh. He's probably holding out for someone equal to her.

 

Memories are funny things huh? All it takes is one to trigger something. So I'm going to keep my distance I can't cut him out completely but I need to try and forget him it's for my own sanity.

[preraph]

Memories can be a real problem! If you have to when something about him pops into your head, make yourself think of two bad things about him and then make yourself just stop thinking about it. If you are having trouble with too many dreams about it (I used to have this problem), when you're about ready to drop off to sleep, give yourself exactly one minute to purposefully think about him and the reality of the situation. Say something to yourself like "There's something in him that just isn't the right fit with me. It sucks, but it's true. No more thinking tonight." So give it a short amount of conscious time to keep it from coming out subconsciously in your dreams. But only if that's been a problem. You can also pray to whatever spirit you believe in that you are tired of being focused on this person and would take any available help or distraction to help you stop.

[fiestyfirecracker]

Memories can be a real problem! If you have to when something about him pops into your head, make yourself think of two bad things about him and then make yourself just stop thinking about it. If you are having trouble with too many dreams about it (I used to have this problem), when you're about ready to drop off to sleep, give yourself exactly one minute to purposefully think about him and the reality of the situation. Say something to yourself like "There's something in him that just isn't the right fit with me. It sucks, but it's true. No more thinking tonight." So give it a short amount of conscious time to keep it from coming out subconsciously in your dreams. But only if that's been a problem. You can also pray to whatever spirit you believe in that you are tired of being focused on this person and would take any available help or distraction to help you stop.

 

 

Yeah well last night proved how bad a fit he is for me I feel like I know him less and less. He had been stressed at work the past fortnight so I messaged to say I hope he was coping okay and normally he answers my messages without problem, however, last night he didn't.

 

I noticed him on Facebook flirting with a 18 year old girl who has a reputation for being trashy and promiscuous and he has been doing so for a few weeks now. He looked pathetic and desperate we are both 30 and I just found it weird that he was liking photos and encouraging someone like that.

 

So I'm not good enough but he'll flirt and encourage a young impressionable girl. You think you know someone

[preraph]

^ You're too much woman for him. He needs someone young and stupid enough to fall for his BS.

[fiestyfirecracker]

So on Friday night I had gone to visit family and made myself a promise to not contact him after his display during last week.

 

Anyhow when I was making my way to the train station I bumped into him it was initially super awkward and I was keen to get away from him but he was adamant he wanted to walk me to the train station so he did.

 

Long story short we got to the station and we were alone there and he kissed me and it wasn't just a peck on the lips like the last time but a full blown passionate kiss and he told me he'd wanted to do it forever but couldn't work up the courage until now.

 

I was absolutely elated and when I left he said we'd arrange to meet over the weekend to talk things over properly. I went to bed on a high on Friday night but come Saturday when I messaged him to arrange to meet he ignored me and has been doing since then. I know he's saw the messages on What's App...I'm so freaking mad and hurt.

 

He seems to be taking pleasure in hurting me and I don't know why!

[preraph]

To me it sounds like his whole focus is just on doing something physical with you. And for some reason, he thinks that should be enough. He clearly isn't willing to have any communication or even be polite. I'd say he has some issues but is more or less using you to get used to kissing women. It's not fair to you. He is far too socially inept to allow him to keep doing this. You have to think about the best-case scenario -- and that would be you get this unbelievably rude person after you so he can practice exploring a woman on you. He doesn't want to talk. He is just trying to get over his fear of women. But he's too big a jerk to even be polite about it.

[fiestyfirecracker]

To me it sounds like his whole focus is just on doing something physical with you. And for some reason, he thinks that should be enough. He clearly isn't willing to have any communication or even be polite. I'd say he has some issues but is more or less using you to get used to kissing women. It's not fair to you. He is far too socially inept to allow him to keep doing this. You have to think about the best-case scenario -- and that would be you get this unbelievably rude person after you so he can practice exploring a woman on you. He doesn't want to talk. He is just trying to get over his fear of women. But he's too big a jerk to even be polite about it.

 

Yeah I can't believe he's being like this. I'm not here to be toyed with by him we've been friends for years and he's taking clear advantage of my feelings for him. I'm not being used like this especially by someone I thought had respect and cared for me in some way.

 

I think I need to just tell him to "F*ck off" he's lost a great friend and he'll be a lonely guy if he continues treating people like this.

[preraph]

Yeah. And you know, he probably knows better than to do this to you, but he's probably got some guy friend telling him, Hey, man, go for it. He sounds very immature and no way ready for dating or anything. You'd probably save yourself a lot of angst by just blocking him and not responding to him. What he needs is a blowup doll, because I'm afraid that's all he can handle at this point!

[fiestyfirecracker]

Yeah. And you know, he probably knows better than to do this to you, but he's probably got some guy friend telling him, Hey, man, go for it. He sounds very immature and no way ready for dating or anything. You'd probably save yourself a lot of angst by just blocking him and not responding to him. What he needs is a blowup doll, because I'm afraid that's all he can handle at this point!

 

So still NC and that's fine with me he keeps leaving cryptic songs on Facebook ones he knows I like...dunno if it's his way of reaching out. I'm going to see my dad at the weekend so I'm hoping I don't see him.

 

I'm still pretty pissed tbh.

[Leigh 87]

So still NC and that's fine with me he keeps leaving cryptic songs on Facebook ones he knows I like...dunno if it's his way of reaching out. I'm going to see my dad at the weekend so I'm hoping I don't see him.

 

I'm still pretty pissed tbh.

 

I don't blame you for being pissed. The guys an a hole.

 

 

The saddest part is that you were friends.

 

He is not acting like he gives a damn about you. It's very sad. You reserve the right to be pissed honey.

[fiestyfirecracker]

I don't blame you for being pissed. The guys an a hole.

 

 

The saddest part is that you were friends.

 

He is not acting like he gives a damn about you. It's very sad. You reserve the right to be pissed honey.

 

So I saw him at the weekend and he was with a bunch of friends and basically acted like an arrogant b*stard and pretended not to see me.

 

I messaged him and said something along the lines of "You sir are a sad little man and you'll die just that if you don't get rid of the attitude. Delete my number and spare me the constant mind games. Have a nice life!"

 

I thought maybe it was harsh. Now I'm not so sure I actually feel relieved.

 

Onwards and upwards!

[preraph]

Good! Just what he deserved and very well said. Now block him so you're not constantly reminded on Facebook and other places. Well done! Onward and upward!

[Teknoe]

Hey Fiesty, I hope you're doing better now than when you started this thread. Are you?

 

I noticed him on Facebook flirting with a 18 year old girl who has a reputation for being trashy and promiscuous and he has been doing so for a few weeks now. He looked pathetic and desperate we are both 30 and I just found it weird that he was liking photos and encouraging someone like that.

 

GET.OFF.FACEBOOK!

 

I can't stress that enough. If you must, block him or block him from your feeds. There are options for that. FB is the worst when you're trying to get over someone because by human nature we're too curious to click, click, click. I actually deactivated all of FB and have been fine. However, you don't have to go that extreme. You can just block him.

 

I've bene in your shoes and the best way to get over someone, like I recently did... is a combination of things:

 

1. Admit reality, mourn for a period

This is important. Acknowledging your pain, misery has a key window. Do it. And then move on. Don't cry everyday because that's not moving on. Get it out of your system and go.

 

2. Self improvement

I took a cooking class and joined a boot camp fitness class. It helped me get over my crush who rejected me.

 

3. Meet new people/hang out with loved ones

BBQs, game nights, movies, all that good stuff. Have fun with other people and don't stay too isolated for too long.

 

4. TIME

We move on over time... simple as that. Some cuts are deeper obviously, but time heals all wounds for the most part. No one died here, he didn't cheat on you (because like you said you guys were never a couple) etc. So I'm confident as sad as you may be now that in due time you'll wake up one day and go "Huh... I feel free of the burden... I guess I don't miss him as much anymore..." and from there it'll snowball into a distant memory from your younger years

 

I truly believe those 4 components/steps are crucial to moving on. And I think #4 is based (how long it takes to heal) on #1, 2 and 3. And how effectively you can manage #1.

 

I think coming here to post about him was a great step for you. Now just keep it in moderation. Don't make new posts about him all the time because that will just keep you in dwelling/what if/wish mode.

 

I wish you the best. You seem like a good person just looking for love and a connection. I believe the right guy is out there somewhere else for you. Give it time. In the meantime, enjoy life.