Post cheating girlfriend in Israel. Real NC begins [updated]

[Simon Phoenix]

Why, bc she treated him disrespectfully? That's quite an overreaction, unless we're all telegraphing here ....

 

I disagree that ignoring someone isn't disrespectful. It's also not dignified, again given what we actually really know about the situation.

 

She broke up with him, took him back in a half-ass manner, told him she'd kind of rather be single before this trip, then posts pictures of her hanging all over guys on vacation for the world to see and was cold and aloof when he did communicate to her. And you're giving him s--t for not taking that treatment? No offense and I normally like what you post, but I think you're off base here.

 

He's not being disrespectful -- he's just not participating in the drama. If she really wants to talk to him she can talk to him face to face when she gets back. She has treated him like crap and he's simply giving her a taste of her own medicine. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[drallafi]

She broke up with him, took him back in a half-ass manner, told him she'd kind of rather be single before this trip, then posts pictures of her hanging all over guys on vacation for the world to see and was cold and aloof when he did communicate to her. And you're giving him s--t for not taking that treatment? No offense and I normally like what you post, but I think you're off base here.

 

He's not being disrespectful -- he's just not participating in the drama. If she really wants to talk to him she can talk to him face to face when she gets back. She has treated him like crap and he's simply giving her a taste of her own medicine. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

This.

 

She "kinda" wanted to be single. Now she's "kinda" single.

 

She got what she wanted and now she's losing her mind.

 

Again, f*ck her feelings.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Great job so far. You might want to send a one way message like: "We'll talk once you get back." Maybe add: "Until then leave me alone." That should stop her whining. That doesn't mean you have to listen to her, when she gets back. You can call or meet up with her stuff & tell her it's over, then leave immediately. Up to you.

 

 

Give her the shoes once she gets back. It's kinda douchy to take back a present. Take the high road.

[drallafi]

Great job so far. You might want to send a one way message like: "We'll talk once you get back." Maybe add: "Until then leave me alone." That should stop her whining. That doesn't mean you have to listen to her, when she gets back. You can call or meet up with her stuff & tell her it's over, then leave immediately. Up to you.

 

 

Give her the shoes once she gets back. It's kinda douchy to take back a present. Take the high road.

 

Don't reward bad behavior. Send the shoes back. Let her buy them on her own. She has internet access, she doesn't need you for this.

[lolablue17]

In a rare moment of (respectful ) disagreement with Satu, I don't think OP's being very dignified. The most we actually know she's done is to "be very disrespectful."

 

"Be very disrespectful" is a very general definition. She ignored him, was distant, told him she partly wishes to be single, and posted a picture of her celebrating with another guy, although it was obvious he'll be hurt, without her being care about his feelings.

 

That's what we know for sure the least she'd done.

 

And you know why did she allow herself to act this way? Because she felt strong and was sure that he is wrapped around her finger. She thought she has the power. I'm telling you - When i have the power in life, I am never so sh*ty to anyone in my social life, or my employees, or even to the cashier in the supermarket.

 

She'd done bad enough. She'd shown who she really is.

[drallafi]

"Be very disrespectful" is a very general definition. She ignored him, was distant, told him she partly wishes to be single, and posted a picture of her celebrating with another guy, although it was obvious he'll be hurt, without her being care about his feelings.

 

That's what we know for sure the least she'd done.

 

And you know why did she allow herself to act this way? Because she felt strong and was sure that he is wrapped around her finger. She thought she has the power. I'm telling you - When i have the power in life, I am never so sh*ty to anyone in my social life, or my employees, or even to the cashier in the supermarket.

 

She'd done bad enough. She'd shown who she really is.

 

Amen.

 

If she cared about this relationship or OP at all, none of this would have happened. Now she reaps what she sows, and we're supposed to feel bad about her feeling disrespected? GTFOH.

[lauri]

No offense to everyone who has been posting trying to convince OP to speak to her is a bad move. He isn't being disrespectful. She is the disrespectful one.

 

Look at how manipulative / "I'm the vicitim here, not you" her message is to him.

 

"honestly if you don't call me or text me I'm so ****ing over it. I've been begging you for days to call me and you keep ignoring me. it's so rude I'm trying to talk to you and you won't give me any time of day.”

 

Translation: I was ready to break up with you but you haven't given me a chance. I cannot believe you're the one DOING it to ME?! When did you grow a pair and stand up for yourself? I never knew you had it in you. I’m supposed to be doing this to you. Now, I'm having second thoughts...I thought I was special to you and you loved me?! How are you moving on so fast?

 

"if you're over it and never talk to me again just ****ing say something so I'm not sitting here wondering what's going to happen."

 

Translation: End it with me already. I'm so confused. You were chasing me a few days ago and I cannot believe I lost my power. What happened? I wanted to be the one to do this to you. I can’t believe my actions backfired on me…

 

I'm sick and tired of this **** between us I just need to talk to you. Call me today I'll be awake for the next 4 hours at least."

 

Translation: I DEMAND YOU TO CONTACT ME!!! I am sick and tired of being not in control. (she is waiting by her phone in anticipation of your call - the call she will never get)

 

Do you know what you did here? You stopped all that fun she was having being “single” for a trip and made her realize she lost a good man. Had you taken any other action, she would continue cheating without any thought or guilt.

 

Want to know why? A man with no self-respect (which no girl wants to be with) would sit around and accept what she did. But a man who has it, knows that if he walks away he will find someone better - that is what is making you so attractive to her right now. Like I said to you before, never be scared to walk away.

 

Btw, she has it all played out in her head what she will say to you if you contact her. She will try to manipulate you and suck you in..make you feel bad for your actions. In reality, she is starting to feel the guilt of her actions. She cannot stand that you hate her now.

[54JA]

OP, you don't owe her any explanation. Nothing. Nada. She knows she messed up. How do we know she knows? Because she asked you not to sell the shoes. She wouldn't be taking steps to ensure that she gets the shoes for her birthday if she had nothing to feel guilty about. She knows she pissed you off and knew that her shoes were at risk. It makes me sick to think that she thought about her shoes before she thought about apologizing.

[lolablue17]

Here is the most recent:

 

"honestly if you don't call me or text me I'm so ****ing over it. I've been begging you for days to call me and you keep ignoring me. it's so rude I'm trying to talk to you and you won't give me any time of day. if you're over it and never talk to me again just ****ing say something so I'm not sitting here wondering what's going to happen. I'm sick and tired of this **** between us I just need to talk to you. Call me today I'll be awake for the next 4 hours at least."

 

Part of me does want to respond. Because it feels like she's trying to turn this around on me. Idk

 

For one moment, out of frustration, she exposed her real attitude and gave you a tiny hint about her plans after she'll get you to the table.

 

She was threatening you, and said "i'm sick of all this sh*t between us". She's only seek a way to have the upper hand, then she'll show you, what hell is! She is willing to threat, to beg, to smile, to be anything, just to have her power back even for only a minute, and in that minute, she will try to hurt you as much as she can. Her intentions aren't innocent.

Edited July 19, 2015 by lolablue17

[Satu]

At every step she has demonstrated a lack of good faith.

 

Up until the point where the OP went NC, she showed a total lack of consideration for his feelings, and an obvious disinterest in how he is getting on.

 

That hasn't changed, but she's not getting to end the relationship on the crest of an ego wave, as she thought she would, and she's miffed.

 

She won't get to say, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

 

She won't get to say, "We'll always be friends."

 

Instead, she *might* get to hear, "Here's your shoes, now EFF off."

 

Instead of coming back as the WOW Girl, who had men falling at her feet in Israel, she's coming back as someone rather ordinary, who's worried about a pair of shoes.

 

Thats a good outcome.

 

 

Maintain NC.

[jen1447]

Ok, one at a time kids.

 

Fair enough. Agree to disagree then.

 

If my wife told me she "kinda wants to be single" followed by posting pics of her with other men... yea, I'm gonna take the hint and stop investing my time and feelings into her.

That's fine. Does it have to happen immediately, and do you have to do it without telling her why? That seems counterintuitive.

 

She broke up with him, took him back in a half-ass manner, told him she'd kind of rather be single before this trip, then posts pictures of her hanging all over guys on vacation for the world to see and was cold and aloof when he did communicate to her. And you're giving him s--t for not taking that treatment? No offense and I normally like what you post, but I think you're off base here.

I'm not "giving him sh*t," or anyone else, first of all. Don't mischaracterize my advice as anything different than yours is just bc you disagree with it. Furthermore, I didn't say he should like the things she's done, never have.

 

He's not being disrespectful -- he's just not participating in the drama. If she really wants to talk to him she can talk to him face to face when she gets back. She has treated him like crap and he's simply giving her a taste of her own medicine. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Ignoring someone is objectively disrespectful, not sure how you can find otherwise. have you ever been ignored by someone and found it complimentary? The question of course is whether or not the ignored person deserves it, and whether or not it's ultimately good for the person doing the ignoring.

 

"Be very disrespectful" is a very general definition. She ignored him, was distant, told him she partly wishes to be single, and posted a picture of her celebrating with another guy, although it was obvious he'll be hurt, without her being care about his feelings.

 

That's what we know for sure the least she'd done.

That's right. And that's all pretty shady seeming, true, but is any of it black and white evidence of cheating or any other injury so serious as to automatically end a R without any further investigation?

 

And you know why did she allow herself to act this way? Because she felt strong and was sure that he is wrapped around her finger. She thought she has the power. I'm telling you - When i have the power in life, I am never so sh*ty to anyone in my social life, or my employees, or even to the cashier in the supermarket.

 

She'd done bad enough. She'd shown who she really is.

Here's where you go off the rails - how do you know what she's thinking in any specific way? You don't even know the OP, let alone his GF. Impossible to say what's actually going on in her head. All we have is the physical evidence.

 

Amen.

 

If she cared about this relationship or OP at all, none of this would have happened. Now she reaps what she sows, and we're supposed to feel bad about her feeling disrespected? GTFOH.

Again, did I ever say we were supposed to feel bad for her? No. I said showing her disrespect and being undignified was not the best thing for OP. Also you really have no idea how much she cares for OP than lolablue17 does. What we know doesn't look good, but we don't know everything or even very much. We're just acting like we do and urging OP to blow up his R based on our lack of knowledge.

 

No offense to everyone who has been posting trying to convince OP to speak to her is a bad move. He isn't being disrespectful. She is the disrespectful one.

They're both being disrespectful. Her being disrespectful first doesn't negate objectively disrespectful behavior on his part.

 

 

 

Do you know what you did here? You stopped all that fun she was having being “single” for a trip and made her realize she lost a good man. Had you taken any other action, she would continue cheating without any thought or guilt.

No one actually knows what he's done yet, being as we don't have any hard results. You're projecting some sort of ideal here.

 

Want to know why? A man with no self-respect (which no girl wants to be with) would sit around and accept what she did. But a man who has it, knows that if he walks away he will find someone better - that is what is making you so attractive to her right now. Like I said to you before, never be scared to walk away.

A man with self respect would actually behave with dignity, not self-righteous rage or game-playing or pre-emptive punishment.

 

Btw, she has it all played out in her head what she will say to you if you contact her. She will try to manipulate you and suck you in..make you feel bad for your actions. In reality, she is starting to feel the guilt of her actions. She cannot stand that you hate her now.

Again, how could you possibly know this?

 

~

 

Anyway, OP's now reaping what he sowed unfortunately. In case any of you haven't notoiced, he's actually tormented by this, despite the brief outward shows of bravado. (Review his posts if you doubt it.) It's understandable since he's in the middle of a rapidly crumbling romance, not observing from a safe distance like all the rest of us.

 

The unfortunate thing is that the same ends could have been achieved here while actually preserving his dignity. Talk to her if she calls, share whatever concerns he has or not, act like a man and not a jealous and angry child, and save the real heart-to-hearter for when she gets back and end things then unless she's got some really convincing evidence to the contrary of what you suspect. Let both sides clear the air so you actually come to get a better grip on what went on. Instead now he's hiding from her and giving her ammo to feel like he's the a-hole and the wrongdoer in all this while very likely not having the emotional wherewithal to actually deal with it very well. After we give him his victory lap here, he's gonna go off and start actually processing it all and dealing with the fallout while we just go read other threads.

 

Ironically the NC could have been done anyway to great effect, just after she got back. e.g. she gets back, offers her likely BS excuses or just says we're done, takes her shoes and goes. OP starts NC and starts healing. Instead now he has to wonder if he jumped the gun, never get or give an explanation, and feel like a turd ultimately for hiding from her when she was pleading to talk rather than manning up and doing the dignified thing. Lingering doubts tend to linger forever. They didn't have to here.

[jen1447]

At every step she has demonstrated a lack of good faith.

 

Up until the point where the OP went NC, she showed a total lack of consideration for his feelings, and an obvious disinterest in how he is getting on.

 

That hasn't changed, but she's not getting to end the relationship on the crest of an ego wave, as she thought she would, and she's miffed.

 

She won't get to say, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

 

She won't get to say, "We'll always be friends."

 

Instead, she *might* get to hear, "Here's your shoes, now EFF off."

 

Instead of coming back as the WOW Girl, who had men falling at her feet in Israel, she's coming back as someone rather ordinary, who's worried about a pair of shoes.

 

Thats a good outcome.

 

 

Maintain NC.

 

No offense Satu - you're usually very rational and careful and restrained - but you don't actually know much of that either.

[Simon Phoenix]

He's tormented, but not because he's ignoring her. It's because he realizes his relationship is, for all intents and purposes, dead. That's the source of his torment, not the fact that he's not indulging her selfish whining. Sorry, I'm just going to agree to disagree with you on all of what you wrote above. She has to earn the privilege of his audience. If she wanted him to listen to her now, she shouldn't have been such a prick to him before.

[drallafi]

Ok, one at a time kids.

 

 

That's fine. Does it have to happen immediately, and do you have to do it without telling her why? That seems counterintuitive.

 

 

 

I'd say yes, it does have to happen immediately. What she did to him was painful... if you had a hot coal resting on your foot, would you wait to take it off? Of course not. As far as without telling her why, I don't think that's what's happening here. Obviously they're going to talk again in the future and he'll have a chance to tell his side of the story. NC here is about removing her manipulation of him and pointing him in the right direction. When she gets back they can go back and forth as much as they want. All that's happened here is he's made his intentions clear (I don't want you anymore) AFTER she made her intentions clear (I want other penis).

[Satu]

He's tormented, but not because he's ignoring her. It's because he realizes his relationship is, for all intents and purposes, dead. That's the source of his torment, not the fact that he's not indulging her selfish whining. Sorry, I'm just going to agree to disagree with you on all of what you wrote above. *She has to earn the privilege of his audience. If she wanted him to listen to her now, she shouldn't have been such a prick to him before.

 

I don't think she deserves that conversation, and he's under no obligation to allow it.

 

Her lack of good faith lost her the right to it.

[Satu]

No offense Satu - you're usually very rational and careful and restrained - but you don't actually know much of that either.

 

I arrived at my conclusion by deduction, and deduction usually brings one to the right understanding.

 

Occam's razor is a good friend.

[lauri]

Jen, I don't understand.

 

What you're suggesting is he breaks no contact and speaks to her? Who do you think will benefit from such an exchange?

 

Also, her taking snap chat photos while she is all over other guys and her telling him "I kinda want to be single" is all the proof I need to know she cheated. She cheated - either physically or emotionally while she was there. There is no excuse for that. I doubt you'd be okay with your husband / boyfriend / significant other sending you photos with other girls that are all over him / vice versa. If you'd choose to talk it out with them, that's you're choice. But in my experience, talking doesn't do any good. It's all about someone's actions - and her actions shows she has no respect for OP at all.

 

This isn't a game to get her back. This is protecting OP from any more pain than he needs to have. His ex girlfriend has done nothing in my opinion to deserve to hear from him. She's just upset he had the balls to cut her off and start to move on. Oh well, it's not his problem anymore about her feelings just like it wasn't her problem when he was in pain and she was with other men being "kinda" single.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think she deserves that conversation, and he's under no obligation to allow it.

 

Her lack of good faith lost her the right to it.

 

At the very least she can wait until they are in the same country before having it.

[movingonnow1]

Jen, I don't understand.

 

What you're suggesting is he breaks no contact and speaks to her? Who do you think will benefit from such an exchange?

 

Also, her taking snap chat photos while she is all over other guys and her telling him "I kinda want to be single" is all the proof I need to know she cheated. She cheated - either physically or emotionally while she was there. There is no excuse for that. I doubt you'd be okay with your husband / boyfriend / significant other sending you photos with other girls that are all over him / vice versa. If you'd choose to talk it out with them, that's you're choice. But in my experience, talking doesn't do any good. It's all about someone's actions - and her actions shows she has no respect for OP at all.

 

This isn't a game to get her back. This is protecting OP from any more pain than he needs to have. His ex girlfriend has done nothing in my opinion to deserve to hear from him. She's just upset he had the balls to cut her off and start to move on. Oh well, it's not his problem anymore about her feelings just like it wasn't her problem when he was in pain and she was with other men being "kinda" single.

 

I agree.

 

She wanted to break up with him anyways. Now she's realizing what breaking up with someone really means (aka no friends, no communication and a bruised ego on her end).

[Satu]

I copied this over from my journal to clarify why I have recommended NC to the OP:

 

 

No contact is about two things, and two things only:

 

 

1. It protects you from further hurt.

 

2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.

 

 

Thats all it is, and all it does.

 

 

Those 2 things are important.

Edited July 19, 2015 by Satu

[ravfour4]

Maybe Jen did something similar, but truly cared for the man and was given the chance to apologize? I mean, I do agree that people make mistakes and that the way his gf is acting now is like someone who feels bad and wants to apologize.

 

To protect 100% of his ego, the best route is to ignore with a "you disrespected me too much, past my boundaries, and because of that I must cut you off" attitude. Now, hypothetically this could be done by saying just that to the girl rather than ignoring her, which while more respectful may end up sucking OP into a trap. However, since OP has been strong enough to ignore for days, you're probably strong enough to say "let's talk about it when you get back" or "you disrespected me too much, we can't be together any longer". Same end result as long as you don't let that text swirl into a gigantic emotion filled conversation.

[jen1447]

Maybe Jen did something similar, but truly cared for the man and was given the chance to apologize? I mean, I do agree that people make mistakes and that the way his gf is acting now is like someone who feels bad and wants to apologize.

 

To protect 100% of his ego, the best route is to ignore with a "you disrespected me too much, past my boundaries, and because of that I must cut you off" attitude. Now, hypothetically this could be done by saying just that to the girl rather than ignoring her, which while more respectful may end up sucking OP into a trap. However, since OP has been strong enough to ignore for days, you're probably strong enough to say "let's talk about it when you get back" or "you disrespected me too much, we can't be together any longer". Same end result as long as you don't let that text swirl into a gigantic emotion filled conversation.

^ That actually sounds pretty reasonable. (And dignified.) There's no dignity issue here with leaving her to explain herself or communicating his disappointment with her.

 

I do think the gigantic emotion filled conversation is almost inevitable tho (and probably the best thing for OP ultimately as long as he hangs onto his resolve), simply bc most ppl don't just turn off romantic history like a light switch. Anyway he seems like the emotional sort to me, and now she's acting all emotional, so ....emotional blowout imminent.

[54JA]

No one has to wait until the "cheating" happens/have a proof of "cheating" to breakup with someone to start healing. If someone is willing to put you through the pain and an emotional roller coaster of "I'm not sure," "I need to find myself," "I'll tell you why I am being cold later" BS, there is no shame in ending it there to start healing. Regardless of whether she cheated or not, it's super heartless to be "cold" and "distant," withholding any hint of reassurance, and hinting a breakup while she's in a another county. I love my boyfriend very much, and it's unthinkable for me to say/do things to make him think that I don't love him. It causes me too much pain even to think about hurting him in anyway. If she is willing to put you through so much pain, I don't think it's worth saving the relationship.

[kylej]

I feel like a kid coming home to his parents with a bad report card..

 

I called her.

 

It may be hard to believe because of all the messed up stuff she has done to me the last few days, but I do love her.

 

She confirmed she's cheated, with more than 1 guy. She wants to be with me still, I told her I might not be able to forgive her but I'd think about it.

 

I kept all the advice I've gotten in mind when I was talking to her. I tried to maintain self respect and stay in control. I feel like I'm still in control because I can still easily text her and say I can't forgive her and never talk again.

 

Now I guess I'm not sure if I should forgive her.

[lauri]

I feel like a kid coming home to his parents with a bad report card..

 

I called her.

 

It may be hard to believe because of all the messed up stuff she has done to me the last few days, but I do love her.

 

She confirmed she's cheated, with more than 1 guy. She wants to be with me still, I told her I might not be able to forgive her but I'd think about it.

 

I kept all the advice I've gotten in mind when I was talking to her. I tried to maintain self respect and stay in control. I feel like I'm still in control because I can still easily text her and say I can't forgive her and never talk again.

 

Now I guess I'm not sure if I should forgive her.

 

You'll think about it?! This is exactly what I thought would happen if you spoke to her. She said the right things and tried to play with you / manipulate you. I guess her hours of preparing her script of what to say / do worked fairly effectively.

 

Don't fall for it! She is done man..she would never respect you if you take her back - trust me from experience. Re-read all the advice that has been given to you here - I'd send her a message now and tell her you're done with her.