Post cheating girlfriend in Israel. Real NC begins [updated]

[nouedis]

It's a done deal, dude

[mightycpa]

What was her explanation for the cheating?

 

What are your thoughts and feelings about that? Cover each item separately if you don't mind.

:laugh::laugh:You've got to love this line of questioning!

 

Gosh, if it were me,

 

 

1. Girlfriend who ****s other guys when she gets drunk, hmmm not so good
   
2. Girlfriend who is so dumb she'll **** other guys, also not so good
   
3. Girlfriend who thinks ****ing other guys is having fun, really, not so good
   
4. Girlfriend who finds herself by ****ing other guys, similarly, not so good
   

I think the upshot of this is that it would be better to be the other guys than to be kylej.

 

I'm done. Good luck kylej! One way or another, this will work itself out. You can either build yourself the same road we've all traveled on, or walk the one already paved. You'll eventually end up in the same place, it's more about the journey than the destination.

Edited July 20, 2015 by mightycpa

[Fleur de cactus]

KyleJ

 

I have been following this post without writing anything because all you supporters here gave you good advice and I did not have anything new to add. I am sorry to hear that your heart is broken. However, I don't see that you are a mature person. You need help.

 

Saying that you are not forgiving you cheater gf but you are staying with her until your friends come back from summer trip is a silly excuse. We cannot buy it. Simply if you cannot stay alone, for a couple if weeks , get busy, find something to occupy you until your find another girlfriend is very immature. I don't want to be disrespectful but you sounds a boy who need a babysitter(s) all the time, and does not know what to do when sitter is away. Maybe this is the reason she thinks she can cheat on you.

 

You needs counseling or therapy to enhance your self-esteem and self-worth and coping skills, otherwise one day you will find yourself miserable. I am sure your friends will get tired of you too one day, if they have to be around for your happiness. They cannot be there for your all your life. Friends are important in our life, but you do not wait for your friends to take some actions to move on, especially to break up with your cheating gf What would you do if you do not see your friends again? YOu are going to stay with the cheater because you cannot be alone?

[Trep]

I feel like a kid coming home to his parents with a bad report card..

 

I called her.

 

It may be hard to believe because of all the messed up stuff she has done to me the last few days, but I do love her.

 

She confirmed she's cheated, with more than 1 guy. She wants to be with me still, I told her I might not be able to forgive her but I'd think about it.

 

I kept all the advice I've gotten in mind when I was talking to her. I tried to maintain self respect and stay in control. I feel like I'm still in control because I can still easily text her and say I can't forgive her and never talk again.

 

Now I guess I'm not sure if I should forgive her.

 

I don't want your babies anymore.

[jen1447]

:laugh::laugh:You've got to love this line of questioning!

 

Gosh, if it were me,

 

 

1. Girlfriend who ****s other guys when she gets drunk, hmmm not so good
   
2. Girlfriend who is so dumb she'll **** other guys, also not so good
   
3. Girlfriend who thinks ****ing other guys is having fun, really, not so good
   
4. Girlfriend who finds herself by ****ing other guys, similarly, not so good
   

I think the upshot of this is that it would be better to be the other guys than to be kylej.

 

I'm done. Good luck kylej! One way or another, this will work itself out. You can either build yourself the same road we've all traveled on, or walk the one already paved. You'll eventually end up in the same place, it's more about the journey than the destination.

 

Key point being, it's not you.

[mightycpa]

Key point being, it's not you.

So true! :lmao:OMG, you make me laugh. Thank you. This turned into a depressing thread, snatching defeat right from the jaws of victory.

 

I do love the line of questioning; I'm just not sure if you were trying to get him to see the light, or ... well, I don't know what else it could be.

 

But the honest truth is I really to hear the answers too.

[jen1447]

So true! :lmao:OMG, you make me laugh. Thank you. This turned into a depressing thread, snatching defeat right from the jaws of victory.

 

I do love the line of questioning; I'm just not sure if you were trying to get him to see the light, or ... well, I don't know what else it could be.

 

But the honest truth is I really to hear the answers too.

 

Usually questions are asked to ....yes, get answers. And we seek answers to gather information. And we seek information to draw informed conclusions.

 

btw, mocking or condemning the OP does him absolutely no good right now.

[lolablue17]

OP, you're probably very sad, and in a great pain now. The short 'trip' that this thread has given you is over, and now you're facing reality.

 

I hope that you'll find enough strength inside you now, to do what's best for you. Now it's your inner voice who should guide you.

 

I think that your GF isn't a monster. a matter a fact she is very honest with you. She's not a liar. She is young, and just doesn't love you enough, to sacrifice her freedom in order to be with you.

 

She wants you as a day to day BF, as long as she has the freedom to try some other guys when she chooses to, and explore things without you, when she chooses to. It's more like FWB than a real relationship, or an open relationship.

 

If you are in the same page with her (FWB), the word "cheating" is out of the equation from now on. If you love her very much, and want exclusivity, I'm afraid you're gonna experience a lot of pain and misery with her.

 

I'm so sorry for you.

[Palmeiras]

I feel like a kid coming home to his parents with a bad report card..

 

I called her.

 

It may be hard to believe because of all the messed up stuff she has done to me the last few days, but I do love her.

 

She confirmed she's cheated, with more than 1 guy. She wants to be with me still, I told her I might not be able to forgive her but I'd think about it.

 

I kept all the advice I've gotten in mind when I was talking to her. I tried to maintain self respect and stay in control. I feel like I'm still in control because I can still easily text her and say I can't forgive her and never talk again.

 

Now I guess I'm not sure if I should forgive her.

 

Gah, man, you had her! She could feel the snake slowly tightening its coils. But you let her wriggle loose.

 

You may still think you are in control, and maybe you are to some degree, but you had a much better position before. I know you love her, want to preserve something, etc., etc., but man, what did that mean to her when she was out frolicking in the daisies? ZERO.

 

A person who does not respect you (and trust me friend, she doesn't) doesn't deserve to talk to you or reason with you. This girl wants it both ways: have her bender, sleep around, and then go back to what made her comfortable. If you let her get away with it, you are going to suffer even more. Promise.

 

You know what you should do now. So do it. (BTW, you could give her the shoes, ask her if they are comfortable, and tell her to use them to walk the **** out of your life.)

Edited July 20, 2015 by Palmeiras

[movingonnow1]

I don't know why this thread is bothering me so much but it is. I keep picturing OP talking to his (ex)girlfriend like nothing happened, helping her feel better. Little does he know she's slowly but surely "remembing" why she cheated on him (because, you know, she's done nothing wrong he's gonna forgive her!). If she didn't respect him before (which she didnt), she really isn't going to respect him now. It actually makes me sick - I wish I had this type of knowledge and people helping me when I became single. You had your chance to leave on top - now she will leave YOU while you're in shambles and broken.

 

I don't understand how you don't see this. All you have done is helped her be relieved of her guilt. That was so easy for her - she hardly put in any work to get you back. The fact she got you back so easily has turned her off and now she's probably out doing things behind your back.

 

I'm sorry but I don't see anything good coming from your decision. I'm really disappointed in how this thread turned out.

[Bumping in my trunk]

So true! :lmao:OMG, you make me laugh. Thank you. This turned into a depressing thread, snatching defeat right from the jaws of victory.

 

 

 

 

[frigginlost]

Holy Crap!!

 

Folks, hold on!

 

I don't see him saying he is going to take her back. Let him ride his emotions out. His world is absolutely upside down right now. Not a single one of us has always done "the right thing" when faced with situations presented to us until we have learned from them. Yes, we are all giving him advice, but stop slamming the guy. He's human! Some of you folks really, really, need to stop projecting on this poor guy. Give him advice, but don't make him feel worse than he already does...

 

OP, what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Please take some time to step back and go full on Ghost with her. You need to find some clarity, and speaking with her right now will cloud this ability.

[jen1447]

I'm sorry but I don't see anything good coming from your decision. I'm really disappointed in how this thread turned out.

 

Protip: he hasn't actually decided yet.

 

Lauri, you've been spot on and very helpful this whole thread. Deep down I know you're right. Right now, I'm leaning towards telling her I can't do it. However, short term (this summer) I would be happier with her. All my friends are out of town the rest of the summer, so if I cut her off I'd basically be alone the rest of summer which would kinda suck.

[drallafi]

So if I'm doing the math on this, she's back in town now, yes?

 

What's the deal? What's the decision?

[kylej]

Update

 

First of all, I need to thank everyone who has helped me out through out the thread. You guys seemed to really care about me and I appreciated every piece of advice I got.

 

Sorry for the late response, but I had to take a few days to figure out my emotions.

 

I knew every piece of advice you guys gave me was right the whole time, but it's not as easy to execute on it when you have a really really strong emotional attachment to someone.

 

When you love someone, you want to make it work. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit I gave her a 2nd chance. She claimed she'd only kissed a few guys, nothing past that. I love her and thought I could move past it. She promised to make it better and that she would do anything for me and I meant the world to her.

 

Ultimately, she proved (by going out and partying more) she didn't care enough to earn my trust back. So I ended it. Now I start day 1 of NC and moving on. Again, thanks to everyone for helping me. I will probably end up updating this thread more and maybe back with a new one.

[Bumping in my trunk]

She claimed she'd only kissed a few guys, nothing past that.

 

 

Yeah, she kissed a few guys on their dicks. But at least it only took a couple days instead of a couple months for you to see the light.

 

 

Until then, see ya space cowboy

[lolablue17]

UpdateI knew every piece of advice you guys gave me was right the whole time, but it's not as easy to execute on it when you have a really really strong emotional attachment to someone.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. I think I couldn't execute more than half of the advices I write here on LS. It's very easy to make comments and to give advices from the side.

 

I wish you happiness and to be strong. What happened is not your fault.

[Radu]

Drunk, dumb, having fun, finding herself.

 

Read your thread, i'm sorry if i'll say things in this post that might hurt you.

 

First off, this was premeditated.

The evidence lies in the fact that you had a break-up right before leaving for Israel; i highly doubt it was pure coincidence ... she wanted to be (temporarily) free to sl*t around (and i will use that word to define a man who does what she did as well).

 

If you want to find yourself by going to Israel, you go to visit the sites, the religious sites.

You do not visit the bars, and you certainly do not visit the beds of other men/women for the night.

She wanted her 'sl*t' moment ... no problem there, except ... it came in the middle of the relationship with you.

 

Maybe she did love, maybe she wanted to set it up so that she would 'technically' not cheat.

Either way she wanted to sow her wild oats and your relationship was in the way.

 

2nd, you did amazing progress and you should read this thread again and again and again because there are 3-4 posts with amazing insight into human behaviour and the way we act (as animals, with instincts) when we think we are soooo superior beings (with logic and stuff).

However, your progress is still on shaky ground.

 

3rd, the reason it is on shaky ground is you.

It's obvious to anyone who is reading this thread that you still have major feelings for her and right now, want to give her a pass.

I would say you are dangerously close to leaning in that direction.

In which case your logical mind should tell you ... that you must not meet her, and keep your overall distance.

You are a good guy with empathy ... she is a very good manipulator; your chances of winning this are slim.

 

Your desire to make her into a summer gf, are simply rationalizations of your desires of companionship with her.

They have taken another form and this is it.

If we can sense this over the internet, where we exchange just 7% of human communication (body language and tonality account for 93%), then she will sense it face2face.

And she will use it.

 

4th, in case you get back together with her, you do not have the narcissistic tendencies to pull this off.

What is worse, is that she has the manipulating power to control the situation, which will result in 2 possible outcomes :

- her dumping you by initiating an argument when it is convenient for her, followed by her dumping you clearly (to preserve her ego)

- fight her while in a relationship with her, which may result in the ultimate ways of her attaining control, false allegations, oooopsied (with pregnancy), emasculating you to everyone or just plain setting you up in front of the friends/family as an abuser (thereby preserving her victim status which she will milk with her next bf)

 

This is about ego and image.

You do not have the strength of character yet, and the narcissistic tendencies to pull it off.

 

It's good to know when to hold them, and when to fold them (Kenny Rogers i believe).

[Radu]

Update

 

First of all, I need to thank everyone who has helped me out through out the thread. You guys seemed to really care about me and I appreciated every piece of advice I got.

 

Sorry for the late response, but I had to take a few days to figure out my emotions.

 

I knew every piece of advice you guys gave me was right the whole time, but it's not as easy to execute on it when you have a really really strong emotional attachment to someone.

 

When you love someone, you want to make it work. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit I gave her a 2nd chance. She claimed she'd only kissed a few guys, nothing past that. I love her and thought I could move past it. She promised to make it better and that she would do anything for me and I meant the world to her.

 

Ultimately, she proved (by going out and partying more) she didn't care enough to earn my trust back. So I ended it. Now I start day 1 of NC and moving on. Again, thanks to everyone for helping me. I will probably end up updating this thread more and maybe back with a new one.

 

They all say that in the beginning.

 

Cheater Codex says 'admit the minimum required for sucker to believe'.

 

Congrats on ending it on your own terms.

[kylej]

I think this deserves it's own thread so hopefully the mods dont merge into the original.

 

Here is a link to the original thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/538199-update-girlfriend-maybe-cheating-me-israel-she-just-contacted-me) but I will give a quick break down on what happened (skip past this paragraph if you know the story).

 

My girlfriend of 1 year goes on a trip to Israel and Greece. Our relationship isn't perfect (we broke up and got back together a week before her trip and we are living in different states next year) but we loved each other a lot and we were very compatible. A week or two into the trip, she gets cold and distant, posts snapchat stories indicating she was cheating so I go NC for 5 days. I went out partying with friends and after seeing me with other girls she decided she needed me back. She begged and begged me to talk to her, and despite all the advice given to me, I finally caved in. She confirmed she cheated on me but I wanted to give her another chance because I loved her (dumb). Now, 2-3 days after that, she gets cold again. I confront her about it. She says she's not sure if she wants me and gives me some excuses so I break it off.

 

Now I share my thoughts...

 

****, this is already really hard.

 

Somebody in the original thread said, "if you come back to her she will realize why she cheated in the first place and do it again". That person was 100% right, and I knew it but she manipulated me into giving it another shot anyways.

 

We just had the actual break up talk. Part of me wishes I broke it off when everyone told me to (when I first found out she was cheating and I cut off contact). But I gave her another chance, and it ended on different terms. If I broke it off when everyone told me to, we would have broken up by me denying her begging and pleading which would have been very satisfying. Instead, after 2 days of me saying I'd try to forgive her, she realized why she wanted to be single in the first place. The reasons she gave me included, "dont want to be tied down", "I feel too guilty about cheating", "living in different states next year", and "spending the summer together would make it to hard to leave once school comes around and we aren't living in the same place" (not exact quotes).

 

What I gained by getting back together with her was that I felt good for 2 days ish and I learned what I had to learn. By giving her another chance I gave up the opportunity to deny her completely and we ended on more neutral terms instead. But I tried to keep what self-respect I had left after taking her back in the first place by being dignified and not begging her to stay (she was the one who cheated after all). I ended it by saying "Goodbye then [her name]" and she didn't respond.

 

She comes back home in 2 days. This is already so hard for me I dont know how I'm going to live through it. The worst part is knowing she is going to be sleeping with guys for sure now (she promised me she only kissed a few guys before but who knows shes a ****ing liar anyways). I will be coming to this thread much like the first one whenever I feel like I need to text her (aka right now).

[Friskyone4u]

Well, don't text her and time is the only thing that will heal this, not advice.

 

You are lucky you found this out now before it got more serious or marriage entered the picture.

 

You need to break all contact, including any FB or social media, you need to tell any friends to stop talking about it with you, and if you have mutual friends you need to decide if some of tghem have to go, including who she went on this trip with who probably encouraged her to have "fun" and cheat

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Get all her crap together including the shoes & drop them off at her place before she gets back. Go hard & full no contact. That means don't follow or stalk her on social media. Tell all you mutual friends that you don't want to hear anything about her. If they ignore you about that, cut them loose. Pretend she's dead.

[jen1447]

Update

 

First of all, I need to thank everyone who has helped me out through out the thread. You guys seemed to really care about me and I appreciated every piece of advice I got.

 

Sorry for the late response, but I had to take a few days to figure out my emotions.

 

I knew every piece of advice you guys gave me was right the whole time, but it's not as easy to execute on it when you have a really really strong emotional attachment to someone.

 

When you love someone, you want to make it work. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit I gave her a 2nd chance. She claimed she'd only kissed a few guys, nothing past that. I love her and thought I could move past it. She promised to make it better and that she would do anything for me and I meant the world to her.

 

Ultimately, she proved (by going out and partying more) she didn't care enough to earn my trust back. So I ended it. Now I start day 1 of NC and moving on. Again, thanks to everyone for helping me. I will probably end up updating this thread more and maybe back with a new one.

 

Glad you got some resolution on your terms, kylej.

[organizedchaos]

OP, we told you what would happen, and you didn't listen. You should have vanished from her life the first time. Don't contact her at all. You don't want to know anything about what she's up to. Block her everywhere. Social media, email, phone, everywhere. Vanish. And never cave in and respond if she finds a way - remember what happened last time you did.

[Phoenixashes]

Best lesson is the one you learn yourself.

 

Keep us updated o.p. There is yet a chance she will return upon the fantasy lifestyle of her trip ending. She just wanted you to let her be guilt free as she does her dirt and the idea that she was losing her hold on you madet her panic.

 

You now know with your own experience what to do