Can't attend friend's dinner due to NC with ex. How to politely decline?

[On Porpoise]

A friend has recently returned from having been out of the country for about two years, for just a few days for a business meeting. He's arranged a dinner for a bunch of friends, one of which is unfortunately my ex, with whom I've been NC since about the time he left. I'm not planning to go. It would be bad for my mental health to see her. Unfortunately, there is no possibility of seeing him outside of this dinner; like I said, it's a business trip and he has no free time other than this.

 

What would be the polite way to decline without saying "because X will be there" and thus stirring up drama? "I have other plans" seems pretty hurtful since he's only been in the country once in the past two years or so. What other plans could I possibly have that couldn't be rescheduled for this? I feel like if I answer truthfully, Drama. If I say I have other plans, it's a slight to a good friendship.

[Toodaloo]

You say that you are absolutely gutted not to see them but you have other plans that you can not get out of.

 

You ask again if there is any other free time available even if its grabbing a coffee at the airport.

 

Then you arrange to see them next time.

 

Do not bring your ex into it.

[On Porpoise]

Oooh, coffee at the airport might be a possibility. I'll have to suggest that, thanks.

[craw]

You say that you are absolutely gutted not to see them but you have other plans that you can not get out of.

 

You ask again if there is any other free time available even if its grabbing a coffee at the airport.

 

Then you arrange to see them next time.

 

Do not bring your ex into it.

 

Absolutely gutted? Sounds like some UK slaaaang

[d0nnivain]

I'd suck it up & at least show up for a drink with this friend.

[whichwayisup]

A friend has recently returned from having been out of the country for about two years, for just a few days for a business meeting. He's arranged a dinner for a bunch of friends, one of which is unfortunately my ex, with whom I've been NC since about the time he left. I'm not planning to go. It would be bad for my mental health to see her. Unfortunately, there is no possibility of seeing him outside of this dinner; like I said, it's a business trip and he has no free time other than this.

 

What would be the polite way to decline without saying "because X will be there" and thus stirring up drama? "I have other plans" seems pretty hurtful since he's only been in the country once in the past two years or so. What other plans could I possibly have that couldn't be rescheduled for this? I feel like if I answer truthfully, Drama. If I say I have other plans, it's a slight to a good friendship.

 

Just tell him that you have other plans that you cannot cancel out of and ask if it's possible to meet earlier in the day for a coffee or a drink or another day before he leaves again. DO NOT go to please him and risk your own mental well being. Or, you can be honest and tell him why you can't go and ask him to please respect your privacy not to tell the ex or anybody else why you didn't come to the get together.

 

Knowing why you can't go, maybe he'll make the time, give you an hour during the day to catch up.

[deathandtaxes]

You go for your friend. You be the mature one and attend. If you see the ex, be polite, be civil, be mature.

[candie13]

Don't share the why you can't make it. Don't go. If your friend can't make it, well, better luck next time. Put yourself first, have and show a bit of dignity and it will pay off, I assure you.

[d0nnivain]

You go for your friend. You be the mature one and attend. If you see the ex, be polite, be civil, be mature.

 

In the end, facing your fear -- seeing the EX -- will empower you. Changing your social life & avoiding mutual friends is no way to live. In essence it sends the message that your EX beat you, that he won. Don't let him.

[GemmaUK]

Oooh, coffee at the airport might be a possibility. I'll have to suggest that, thanks.

 

I totally agree with Toodaloo - just do not mention the ex as it may get talked about on the night if you do.

It's best not to mention it at all even if you do meet this friend - hope you manage to see him!

I know others have said you should go but if you really are in NC then it's for you and for no one else. It's important to you just now so you shouldn't second guess your decision not to go - and it's a one off event.

In two years time when he returns again you will likely have no issue going even if the ex is going to be there.

 

PS. I love your user name! :

[wizer]

A friend has recently returned from having been out of the country for about two years, for just a few days for a business meeting. He's arranged a dinner for a bunch of friends, one of which is unfortunately my ex, with whom I've been NC since about the time he left.

 

You broke up 2 years ago.

 

It's time to get past it.

 

As suggested by another poster, this is going to be good for you.

 

Don't give her all the power.

[preraph]

Without knowing the circumstances with the ex, I wouldn't advise anyone to just go anyway. It would probably turn ugly one way or the other or set one or the other of them back or get them started again on a futile path.

 

I like the coffee at the airport idea. Maybe he needs a ride and you can take him to the airport and have a long time to talk. He surely knows he invited two people who are exes, so I wouldn't even worry about making my alibi believable. He had to know that was going to be awkward. Hope you get to see him!

[On Porpoise]

Thanks for the good advice, all. I think we may be able to get together for a short lunch before he leaves, which is awesome.

 

And yes, I know two years is a long time. Way too long. But in that time I've gotten over it except for this one little thing. Choosing not to go to the dinner is choosing to keep it that way. It's my choice for what I want (and don't want) in my life.

[Gloria25]

You go for your friend. You be the mature one and attend. If you see the ex, be polite, be civil, be mature.

 

And keep it short....

 

Look, I sometimes and in the past used to be like that, but you can't let "one" person stand in the way of you living. And this goes for situations not just with an "ex", but whomever - like a relative, co-worker, etc.

 

And you know what? The fact that you can be in the same room with that person (in this case your ex) and not breakdown, be civil, have a great time with your friends - will make you feel more powerful than NC ever will.