Still feeling guilty about cheating 4 years later...

[Driver]

Long story short, about four years ago, when I was 21, I ended up cheating on my long-distance fiancé who was in the military. Most horrifying, selfish, out of character thing I have ever done. It was the last thing I or anyone close to me expected me to do. I told him about it and we ended the relationship. I am now in the best relationship I've ever had... With the guy I cheated on him with. I guess we are both two people who made a terrible mistake, and whether we deserved it or not it worked out for us in the end.

 

I can't say the same about my ex-fiancé, because (obviously) he has cut off all contact with me so I have no idea how he is doing. I don't know why but every month or two I feel compelled to text him and apologize and it's almost four years later. I doubt he even thinks about it anymore, but I can't help but wonder if he is scarred, to have been deployed and go through that. When I think about what I put him through I get pains in my stomach. In fact it took me over a YEAR to stop having nightmares and all night crying sessions about breaking his heart. I can't even see someone in military uniform without feeling a horrible twinge of guilt and a sick feeling. And shame -- oh, the shame. And I still wonder what his family thinks about me and what his friends think about me. I still cringe at the thought of what I did. Even though I can see the purpose in it for me (meeting the most amazing person I've ever met and getting out of an engagement I wasn't ready for) it doesn't change the fact that I hurt someone to get there.

 

Does anyone have any similar experiences to share or some wisdom to offer me? I am starting to realize that this shame and guilt I am carrying is not healthy. I found myself writing an apology email to his mom tonight and then I realized that it has gotten kind of out of hand.

[whichwayisup]

You need to make peace with this for your own sanity. Forgive yourself because you're happy now with someone that you love and even though you deeply hurt your ex fiancee, it's been four years and he's chosen to not look back. Respect his desire to not want to talk to you. It isn't your business now to know how he is, what he's doing and if he is happy. Same goes with his mom. It's been four years, I doubt they all are consumed with the pain of the past.

 

Writing it out is good, but do not send! Write it all down because it helps you work through your issues, not because you feel the need to send letters to relieve your guilt. You have no idea how it'll be taken on the other end (his mom or even him) if you reach out after so many years.

 

Maybe go talk to a therapist to help you cope with this so it doesn't eat you up.

 

Most of all, look at your life now. You have a great guy whom you deeply love and you're happy. Deep down you knew the ex wasn't the one for you and you weren't ready to marry him. Yes an affair was an awful way to end things with him but I assume you've learned from that experience and also know that it's best to be open and honest with your current boyfriend, communicate and listen to one another and not hold stuff in.

 

Forgive yourself from hurting your ex.

[Lostgirl50]

Forgive yourself. You made a mistake. You have acknowledged it and will never do it again. We are all human and make mistakes. The important part is to learn from them. You have. Everytime you start to think about it say out loud STOP! I do it when I think about the past. It helps.

[privategal]

Long story short, about four years ago, when I was 21, I ended up cheating on my long-distance fiancé who was in the military. Most horrifying, selfish, out of character thing I have ever done. It was the last thing I or anyone close to me expected me to do. I told him about it and we ended the relationship. I am now in the best relationship I've ever had... With the guy I cheated on him with. I guess we are both two people who made a terrible mistake, and whether we deserved it or not it worked out for us in the end.

 

I can't say the same about my ex-fiancé, because (obviously) he has cut off all contact with me so I have no idea how he is doing. I don't know why but every month or two I feel compelled to text him and apologize and it's almost four years later. I doubt he even thinks about it anymore, but I can't help but wonder if he is scarred, to have been deployed and go through that. When I think about what I put him through I get pains in my stomach. In fact it took me over a YEAR to stop having nightmares and all night crying sessions about breaking his heart. I can't even see someone in military uniform without feeling a horrible twinge of guilt and a sick feeling. And shame -- oh, the shame. And I still wonder what his family thinks about me and what his friends think about me. I still cringe at the thought of what I did. Even though I can see the purpose in it for me (meeting the most amazing person I've ever met and getting out of an engagement I wasn't ready for) it doesn't change the fact that I hurt someone to get there.

 

Does anyone have any similar experiences to share or some wisdom to offer me? I am starting to realize that this shame and guilt I am carrying is not healthy. I found myself writing an apology email to his mom tonight and then I reali

zed that it has gotten kind of out of hand.

 

I hurt an ex once by not properly ending the realtionship first before starting another. I wrote a heartfelt apology over a year later to which he replied basically "thanks".

My point is...send that apology mentally and let it go.

By marrying him...if you weren't ready, the damage to both of you would have ended up with (likely divorce) could be far more serious.

You are older and wiser, the fact that you feel regret is admirable but not necessary. You in fact likely opened the door to him finding happiness like you too!

Trust me with so much going on in the world day to day, his friends and family have forgotten it and may be thinking differently and more compassionately ie. She was young, you were young...

Either way...forgive yourself, dont waste your life in regrets...its OK you are happy, its okay you messed up. Things and people aren't perfect.

And I dont think theres anything wrong with dropping a heartfelt note that you apologize and wish him well especially emphasizing you are not expecting forgiveness not further contact but ONLY if you TRULY feel you can handle silence back (likely) and if it will bring you peace. Otherwise...move on...forget it...and start living for today!! Mistakes happen. You learned.

[SpiritualAlchemy]

No, don't send him anything. No, do not intrude in his life in order to assuage your guilt and shame. You did enough. You wanted to leave him for someone else, you're happy, well good for you, then leave him alone. He doesn't need your pity or contact or four-year-old guilt. He needs nothing from you.

 

This may sound harsh, but the rest of his life is about him. You deal with the residual feelings you have-by yourself, well away from him. I don't think exes realize the pain and obsessive thinking that can be sparked off with something as seemingly innocent as a call or an email. You hurt him, you cheated, and now you might initiate contact and tell him what-that you're ecstatically happy with the man you cheated on him with?

 

Please don't be selfish again. Leave him be.

[Satu]

If you feel bad about what you did, do something to help others by investing time and hard work into volunteering yourself to a good cause. There are many good causes out there that would be grateful for another pair of hands.

 

Pay into the human bank account.

 

If it's especially difficult, thats even better.

[regine_phalange]

If it makes you feel better I don't think your ex thinks about it anymore. He may have found his own happiness by now. It's been 4 years. I haven't cheated but I've been cheated on. Infidelity is a one-way breakup ticket, but it's not the worst thing that has happened to me relationship-wise -- it never left a scar.

[bubbaganoosh]

I got burned BIG, BIG time by my fiance when in the army back in the mid 60's. She had a baby that wasn't mine, said it was, I married her and two weeks later I found out she used me just to be a dependent and married to a serviceman and get the benefits. After we got divorced and she had the baby she married the bum who knocked her up.

 

I didn't here from her for 40 years. Yes 40 years and when I did all that happened was the wound was re opened.

 

Leave it alone. You'll do no good by finding him and trying to explain. It's over and leave a sleeping dog lie. If you do, you'll just hurt him worse. Trust me I know OK?

[Friskyone4u]

Do something nice for those in service but leave him alone . You have no idea what any contact with him will do or how it wil effect him.

 

Put your guilt aside . Can't be undone and accept it happened

[mightycpa]

I've been cheated on, and most guys I know have been cheated on, and some women I know too...

 

we all got over it in short order. it produces some anger, and that helps clear things out completely, I think.

 

You, on the other hand, have to live with shame, which is a lot more sticky - if you've got a conscience.

 

I guess what I'm getting at is that it is likely that you're paying for your misdeed and he isn't.

[rocketman122]

I am now in the best relationship I've ever had...

I dont believe you for a millisecond. if I was in a the same relationship my mind would not be thinking of my ex who broke up with me 4 years ago. I wouldnt have guilty thoughts 4 years after and so badly want to contact him. all my energy and focus would be on my current relationship. 6 months fine, 4 years.... BULLSHET!

 

With the guy I cheated on him with. I guess we are both two people who made a terrible mistake

more like two terrible people who made a mistake. that sounds right.

 

 

I don't know why but every month or two I feel compelled to text him and apologize and it's almost four years later.

you did enough. 4 years passed by. why come into his life and bring back this apology nonsense. he needed it then, not 4 years later. id tell you piss off if you contacted me. you were his fiance and cheated on him. once a cheater always a cheater.

 

 

I doubt he even thinks about it anymore,

im sure he does from time to time. im sure he has choice words about you. but hes moved on. if he wanted to hear from you he would have contacted you.

 

but I can't help but wonder if he is scarred,

noooo...what makes you think that? youre sharp!

When I think about what I put him through I get pains in my stomach.

you get pains? what do you think he went through?

 

In fact it took me over a YEAR to stop having nightmares and all night crying sessions about breaking his heart.

oh u poor baby, let me get you some kleenex. you wont get any sympathy from me. cheating has nothing to do with not being ready for engadgement. you are loyal till you decide when. you just didnt want to continue with him since you got an offer on the side.

 

(meeting the most amazing person I've ever met and getting out of an engagement I wasn't ready for)

no, at least say it correctly. being ready for engagement is one thing. you can always postpone till youre ready.if you loved him and wanted to be with him, you simply continue till youre both ready. not wanting to be with him is another issue. you just didnt want to be with him. I see the truth here.

 

 

leave the guy alone. he may be in a happy relationship now and doesnt need your apology.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sure your ex is doing fine. I agree with those who say you just have to get over your guilt and shame and get right with yourself, and it's best not to contact him or his family and reopen the wound.

 

What's done is done. Hopefully you've learned your lesson and won't do this to anyone again in the future.

 

How to get over guilt and shame? Accept that you're human and we all make mistakes. I also think the advice to volunteer or do something as penance is sound. You tore one man's world apart for a while. You can't ever undo that damage - but you can try to balance it out by doing some good for people in need of help.

 

I also think writing our your feelings in a journal could help. Write your ex a letter, write his mom and letter, but never send them. Just get your feelings out, and then write advice to yourself as you would a friend or sister.

[Driver]

I am now in the best relationship I've ever had...

I dont believe you for a millisecond. if I was in a the same relationship my mind would not be thinking of my ex who broke up with me 4 years ago. I wouldnt have guilty thoughts 4 years after and so badly want to contact him. all my energy and focus would be on my current relationship. 6 months fine, 4 years.... BULLSHET!

 

With the guy I cheated on him with. I guess we are both two people who made a terrible mistake

more like two terrible people who made a mistake. that sounds right.

 

 

I don't know why but every month or two I feel compelled to text him and apologize and it's almost four years later.

you did enough. 4 years passed by. why come into his life and bring back this apology nonsense. he needed it then, not 4 years later. id tell you piss off if you contacted me. you were his fiance and cheated on him. once a cheater always a cheater.

 

 

I doubt he even thinks about it anymore,

im sure he does from time to time. im sure he has choice words about you. but hes moved on. if he wanted to hear from you he would have contacted you.

 

but I can't help but wonder if he is scarred,

noooo...what makes you think that? youre sharp!

When I think about what I put him through I get pains in my stomach.

you get pains? what do you think he went through?

 

In fact it took me over a YEAR to stop having nightmares and all night crying sessions about breaking his heart.

oh u poor baby, let me get you some kleenex. you wont get any sympathy from me. cheating has nothing to do with not being ready for engadgement. you are loyal till you decide when. you just didnt want to continue with him since you got an offer on the side.

 

(meeting the most amazing person I've ever met and getting out of an engagement I wasn't ready for)

no, at least say it correctly. being ready for engagement is one thing. you can always postpone till youre ready.if you loved him and wanted to be with him, you simply continue till youre both ready. not wanting to be with him is another issue. you just didnt want to be with him. I see the truth here.

 

 

leave the guy alone. he may be in a happy relationship now and doesnt need your apology.

 

Wow, Rocketman, I thought this was a place of support. The "shet" you're saying is exactly the "shet" that has run through my mind periodically since I did this and it's the "shet" I am trying to move on from. Because I feel like life is too short to dwell on mistakes as long as I have. I don't need your "poor baby" "shet" because clearly I posted here not for people to feel bad for me but to offer some support and advice about how they overcame their guilt after a wrongdoing. Have you ever made a mistake before? Have you ever hurt someone? Because in order to talk to people in such an ugly, biting way you must be truly perfect and have never burned anyone!

[Driver]

And just as a side note I can't help but notice everyone is saying "don't write him a letter." I never said I was writing a letter. I never said I was bothering him. I said I thought about writing a letter to his mom and realized it was obsessive, unhealthy and a wrong move which is why I came on here instead. For support. Or some productive advice. Not more crap which feeds into the self loathing I am already having a problem with. I like how I came on here for advice about my self loathing and guilt from a mistake four years ago and what I get is... More bashing and more reasons for self loathing and guilt.

[gaius]

I don't know if I can help you with the guilt, it's probably just something you have to live with. I can pretty much guarantee he has no interest in hearing from you and being reminded of what happened though. =/ It would be a selfish act on your part, contacting him and causing that in order to try and assuage your own guilt.

 

If you're this upset about it you might end up breaking down and then he's stuck comforting the woman who did that to him, that's enough to ruin any guy's day.

 

Driver, you really just did what we all do. What's best for ourselves. And he's probably done the same thing to other people at some point in his life, he just ended up with the short end of the stick this time. Just try and leave him alone and take comfort in the fact he's free to find someone who genuinely wants him.

[elaine567]

I don't know why but every month or two I feel compelled to text him and apologize and it's almost four years later.

I hope you are not sending him any texts at all, believe me they will NOT help him.

Leave him well alone.