Bob47 Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Hey, Seems like whenever I come back here, it's not for good reasons. I've had a horrible last 7 weeks. My best friend(now roomate) for 5 years started treating me like she didn't want to spend time with me anymore, and stopped talking to me a lot, and hanging out with other friends to get away from me. I've talked it over with her on a few occasions, and actually thought she was understanding my feelings of abandonment. This is way too complex to get into too much detail, but I've heard that there are stories similar to mine. Very, very close friends, and a few months before graduation from college one of them turns and basically tries to dismantle the friendship. My friend acts like she just wants space, but I think it's more complicated than that. I've given her space. I've actually come to realize a healthier way to do my part in the friendship is to let her have her own path, live her own life. I've learned a lot about how relationships often go through a period where the two people struggle over independance vs dependency, freedom, etc. But friendships still need to maintain a level of commitment, while letting the other person live their life. But she keeps playing this game. She'll treat me like crap, bascially act like she doesn't care about me anymore and doesn't show any interest in the friendship. Then suddenly, she'll act more warmly, smile, laugh, and be a little more comfortable around me. Even leave me a note (and of all things with a smilie face on it) inviting me to go with her to a church event. Then almost immediatly she goes back to the ignoring/indifference. I can't keep playing her game, allowing her to toy with my feelings. I want the friendship with her so badly, especially since we are about to graduate and have been close friends for 5 years. Again I ask, who else has gone through this before graduation? There are many, many issues that I think she has, but I can't even begin to get into. Anyway, it sucks, cause I feel like underneath she wants to be friends, but she doesn't know how to deal with the changes that come with graduation, and doesn't know how to deal with how close we have become. Those are some of my suspicions anyway. If you're gonna say "give her space" I've done that. Nothing that *I* do has changed anything. It seems like she goes between wanting friendship and destroying it depending on the weather. Those of you who have been through this situation, how did you deal with it? Any regrets? How would you have handled it differently? Or would you do the same again? Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Are you sure she doesn't want more than to just be "friends" with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bob47 Posted May 5, 2005 Author Share Posted May 5, 2005 Do you mean do I think she wants to tone down the friendship to a more superficial level? Maybe, but on some level I think she wants the intimacy of my friendship. But she doesn't even act nicely toward me, unless it's one of "those" days when she decides "oh yeah, I wanna be friendly". Since it's possible to change actions, but not underlying feelings at the fip of a switch, I have to wonder why she's doing this. Seriously, I think she's afraid. Suspisions: I think some of it is a fear of rejection if she lets herself get closer. Some of it maybe be her throwing away the friendship before we graduate, so subconciously the goodbye is easier because we'll want to get away from each other. Or I could be completely wrong. But with her periodic "friendly" actions, big smiles, in the midst of all this other crap, it seems to me like she's fighting between her feelings and trying to force me away. That's why I was wondering if anyone else had experienced this around graduation time. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted May 6, 2005 Share Posted May 6, 2005 I'm also graduating in just a few days, from college. I think my entire group will end up parting ways. It's part of growing up..people drift apart. I am a little depressed right now about it. I mean, I think that some of us will keep in touch for probably years from now or maybe indefinitely but it will never be like when we were all living in the same town and going to college together. It really is just a part of life. I think she could just want to make the goodbye easier or maybe she really has no intentions of maintaining her college friendships anymore. I know that there are a few college friends that I do want to stay friends with. There is one person (my absolute best friend) and I have a feeling that she and I will be friends forever. (seriously). I know she will always be a part of my life. As for the others...nah. I doubt it. We may stay in superficial contact. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Focus on the friend(s) that you KNOW will always be there for you and that you will want to stay friends with for life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bob47 Posted May 6, 2005 Author Share Posted May 6, 2005 Yeah, that's the problem. We were about as close of friends as you can get. For 5 years, we struggled through college together, had fun together, helped each other out. I used to get the feeling that she cared about me. Now...it's like she's trying not to care anymore. We always thought we'd be friends for life. I know graduation separates people, but she's seemed to cause that separation prematurely. A month or two before graduation. It's so crazy. I feel like I'm going through some sort of a divorce. Because we have such a history together, and when you have that much history with someone...you can't easily forget anything. I guess it's what's called a "diffusion of boundaries" between two people. And I also think that maybe part of what scared her away. Link to post Share on other sites
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