dunedin97 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Just looking for some advice/reassurance? When is the right time to propose to your partner? A bit of background: I'm 32 years' old, my girlfriend 31. We met approx. 16 months ago, and she moved in with me after 12 months. Things going as well as could be expected, given the rough circumstances we've been through. I've been in 2 LTRs in the past, one from 18-22 and another from 26-30, but I've never felt the 'depth' of love for someone as I have for my current girlfriend. To be fair, by the time I got to 31 years' old and having been through numerous flings and short-term things, as well as 2 long-term relationships that ultimately failed not for lack or trying or deceit, but simply because I was too different to the girls I was with, I had a very clear idea of what I was looking for. My girlfriend is from the same sort of background as me, and we have very similar core values. I am very choosy over whom I spend my time with, and have a very close knit group of pals whom absolutely adore her. Over the past few years I've been going through a bit of an existential crisis, firstly struggling with the fact that my previous relationship 'ticked all the boxes' but wasn't ultimately what I wanted (struggled with the 'on-off' nature of this relationship for 2 years before we finally split up). Also, I started a business 5 years' ago which is relatively successful and gives me all the money I need to live my modest lifestyle (and more), but ties me down an awful lot and I don't really enjoy the pressure or day-to-day running of it. I got a bit depressed a while back when I realised my previous relationship wasn't what I thought it might be, and running my business made me very unhappy. I'd begun feeling that my life was a bit meaningless, hadn't been spending much time time with my friends and family. This was then compounded by the fact that my father was diagnosed with both prostate and bowel cancer in quick succession around a year ago, which hit me like a ton of bricks. I was then having health issues which are being resolved. I kind of spiralled in to a party lifestyle of drinking and occasional drug-taking (3-4 nights a week), along with dating. I guess I was trying to find some sort of meaning or trying to forget my troubles. I doubt anyone in the history of the world has dated as much as I did for a few months between February - April 2014! Then I started seeing my current other half. When I met her, I was an absolute mess. She was understanding to the point of insanity, a couple of times I turned up drunk or drugged up to dates (4/5th dates!), but she kept the faith. I was quite volatile in my behaviours, and I'm amazed she kept dating me. My friends and family adore her. My previous troubles, some of which still being resolved, don't seem quite as important as they once were. All that seems important to me now is building a life with this gorgeous, happy, caring, loyal woman whom has shown me more love and understanding than I deserve. I have been telling my friends for months that this is the girl that I want to marry, and I'm willing to work harder than ever to give her what she deserves. I'm just worried that maybe I'm promoting the relationship to be something it's not, given my previous form in failed LTRs, but this time something definitely feels 'different'. This has been compounded by the fact she might have her own health issues (MS), although difficult to diagnose this early, which has only strengthened my resolve to build our lives together. I don't want to waste a minute, I want to spend my time on earth with this person, and make the best of whatever hand we're dealt by the gods. If I'm going to propose, I'd like to do so by the end of this year, or early on in the next one. Is it too 'early days' to do so? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 After 30 if you have been dating for at least a year so you have been through all the holiday stress together, when you feel it is when you propose. I'd have some kind of discussion with her about her expectations for the future. Then set about planning. Do you want to surprise her? Will you pick out the ring? Will there be a ring? Do you know her taste & size? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dunedin97 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 Hi, Apologies for the previous message, which reading it back sounds like a bit like a 'brain fart'. Thank you for your reply. She hasn't ever hid the fact that she sees a long-term future together, with children. We've talked about this over the last 6 months or so, and it's probably the first time in my life I've actually been excited about such a prospect rather than terrified! I'm in no doubt that she would be thrilled were I to propose, her timeline I'd suggest is similar to mines, I expect she'd like to get married within the next 2-3 years, all going well. A proposal just after Christmas or New Year would I guess fit in well this sort of timeline? I know it's not necessarily the 'right' reason for doing so, but with my father's health, and her mother's health, not great at the moment, things have very suddenly come in to sharp focus for me, and I'm realising what's important. I'd like to give our respective families' something to celebrate in what has been a rough couple of years for all involved. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. I just don't want to promise too much or jump in at the deep end and make ourselves look foolish by doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Me personally I never wanted a Christmas, birthday or Valentine's proposal because there are soooooo many of them. But judging by the # lots of people do them. It takes about a year to plan a wedding. Many venues book early. Some downs take 9 months to make. If you are ready, ask. Your time line seems reasonable so start trying to figure out what she'd like & do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dunedin97 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 Ideally I'd prefer not to do it at Xmas time, but I'd really like to do it in a rather simple fashion at her home, not necessarily right in front of her parents, but in the vicinity, as home/family are very important to us both, I think it might strike the right tone, neither of us are particularly showy-type people. Doing it in this way works at Xmas because we live in a city quite far away and realistically it'll be the only time that we'll both be at her parents' home together in the next 6/7 months. I'm more interested in making the ring itself bespoke/unique, as one of my friends makes jewellery, and I'd like to go all out on that which she might wear for the rest of her life, rather than a tacky proposal in a random location in front of a bunch of strangers. I have to say, after reading this forum's sub-sections elsewhere re: cheating/divorce out of sordid curiosity, it certainly puts me off a bit given some of the horrible personal stories I've read today! Is marriage actually worth it, why do so many of them fail?! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Marriages fail for lots of reasons. But they succeed because the partners in them work every day to make them succeed. Marriage is not 50/50. Because if you are only 50/50 & one slides you are disconnected. They are 100/100 so if one slides, you are still connected. What I mean by that is there is an ebb & flow. Some days you will give more. Others she will. For the past several years I have been mourning the deaths of my parents & struggling with other issues. My husband generously picked up the slack. In the past I was the one with the laboring oar. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 You sound level headed and good hearted to respect and speak well of her. I tend to thwart off any dates near holidays for proposals or weddings. Basically make the day your own. Seen the best of relationship endure by not taking yourself so dern seriously, laughing together, and keeping your desires in check for one another. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 go for it!! be crazy!!! be spontaneous .. put a ring on it!! yeah... go for it right. tik tok tik tok NOW!!! Link to post Share on other sites
nouedis Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 There is no time. Just do it when you feel the moment is right! Link to post Share on other sites
pravinbh Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 There is no specific time for proposing, you can propose your partner any time and any where. The only important thing is your expression and your proposing style. Link to post Share on other sites
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