Wife Checked Out

[CheckedOut]

Sorry for the long post. This is my first time posting in a support group since my wife told me that she was loved me but wasn't in love with me.

 

I guess I should give a little background first, about a year and a half ago she had gastric bypass and since then has lost over 100 lbs. I supported her through her surgery, took out a loan to pay for it and encouraged her weight loss journey. Our marriage was never perfect, but there was no abuse or anything like that going on.

 

5 months ago was when she dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb and I found out that she was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. We tried MC and I made all the changes that she was asking for but come to find out she had started talking to another man that she had met through the hot or not app on her phone. At that point she told me that she wanted a divorce. About a month after that she told me she wanted to do a trial separation because she wasn't sure what she wanted anymore.

 

On May 31st is when she moved out. At that point the guy she had been talking too and had met had moved on from her. A week later she started talking to another guy that she had met on tinder. That didn't last long either and now she is dating a guy she met on plenty of fish and slept with him on the first date and continues to date/sleep with him. We have 2 young daughters (2 and 5) and I feel like she is setting a horrible example for them. I feel hopeless and feel like I can't protect them from her reckless behavior. It's killing me inside and I cry all the time because of it.

 

I know I need to move on but just when I start to feel good then it's like I relapse and get into a bad place again. I just feel so lost right now and don't know what to do. I'm seeing a counselor which helps but sometimes I feel like it's not enough.

 

I wish i could understand why she is acting this way. I've accepted that this marriage is over but now have a lot of anger and resentment for towards the way she is being careless. Everyone tells me to just focus on me but it's hard when my kids are involved. I know they're technically safe but her behavior is going to have an impact on them.

 

I've just recently found out that that her and this guy she is dating are "in love". They have been dating/sleeping around for less than a month. I should also mention this guy has been divorced twice and just got out of a 3 year long relationship.

[understand50]

Question?

 

When you separated, did you set out ground rules? Such as no F**King other people when you are still married? Are you dating? Did you give her a hall pass, and why would you do that? Are you OK with her sleeping with others, while you pine away for her? For your own self worth, and ego, why do you put up with this?

 

You need to do the 180, go no contact unless it is about the kids and the divorce, and you need to file first. Do not help her disrespect you. You need to look out for yourself, and let her worry about her own self. Looks like she is in for a huge fall, but that is on her. PLEASE, PLEASE, for your own good take care of yourself and get out of this toxic relationship.

 

I am for reconciliations when there is something to save, nothing here until she stops, show true and total remorse, and makes it all about you.

 

Wish you luck, but remember luck come to those who stand up for themselves.

 

Sorry for the long post. This is my first time posting in a support group since my wife told me that she was loved me but wasn't in love with me.

 

I guess I should give a little background first, about a year and a half ago she had gastric bypass and since then has lost over 100 lbs. I supported her through her surgery, took out a loan to pay for it and encouraged her weight loss journey. Our marriage was never perfect, but there was no abuse or anything like that going on.

 

5 months ago was when she dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb and I found out that she was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. We tried MC and I made all the changes that she was asking for but come to find out she had started talking to another man that she had met through the hot or not app on her phone. At that point she told me that she wanted a divorce. About a month after that she told me she wanted to do a trial separation because she wasn't sure what she wanted anymore.

 

On May 31st is when she moved out. At that point the guy she had been talking too and had met had moved on from her. A week later she started talking to another guy that she had met on tinder. That didn't last long either and now she is dating a guy she met on plenty of fish and slept with him on the first date and continues to date/sleep with him. We have 2 young daughters (2 and 5) and I feel like she is setting a horrible example for them. I feel hopeless and feel like I can't protect them from her reckless behavior. It's killing me inside and I cry all the time because of it.

 

I know I need to move on but just when I start to feel good then it's like I relapse and get into a bad place again. I just feel so lost right now and don't know what to do. I'm seeing a counselor which helps but sometimes I feel like it's not enough.

 

I wish i could understand why she is acting this way. I've accepted that this marriage is over but now have a lot of anger and resentment for towards the way she is being careless. Everyone tells me to just focus on me but it's hard when my kids are involved. I know they're technically safe but her behavior is going to have an impact on them.

 

I've just recently found out that that her and this guy she is dating are "in love". They have been dating/sleeping around for less than a month. I should also mention this guy has been divorced twice and just got out of a 3 year long relationship.

[CheckedOut]

We didn't really set any ground rules. She said she needs to take time to be alone to figure out what she wants, well you can see how long that lasted. I am not dating, I have no desire to date right now. I am taking the time now to focus on me and my kids.

 

I do not contact her unless it has to do with the kids. She is the one that contacts me even if it doesn't have to do with the kids. I keep it short and end it quickly.

 

I don't believe at this point that there is anything worth saving. She is too far gone and I feel like I don't even know who she is anymore. She has become best friends with out babysitter who is 18 years old, she is 32. She's not the woman that I fell in love with. I'm just trying to gain my footing again and learn to live without her.

[CarrieT]

She said she needs to take time to be alone to figure out what she wants, well you can see how long that lasted.

This means she needs time to pretend she is single while she dates, sleeps around, pretends she isn't married - all the while keeping you on the back burner so that when she gets bored, she can come home to you.

 

I don't believe at this point that there is anything worth saving.

File for divorce and do the 180.

[GorillaTheater]

I wish i could understand why she is acting this way.

 

You may never be able to figure that one out, but my best guess is that after she lost all of the weight, she started getting male attention like never before. It was probably a little intoxicating, and her personal boundaries weren't up to dealing with it.

 

The other posters are right: divorce, do the 180, and look out for yourself and your kids. It's no longer your job to look out after her, she fired you from that job.

 

It'll get better, brother, and eventually it will get much better. You can handle this.

[understand50]

We didn't really set any ground rules. She said she needs to take time to be alone to figure out what she wants, well you can see how long that lasted. I am not dating, I have no desire to date right now. I am taking the time now to focus on me and my kids.

 

I do not contact her unless it has to do with the kids. She is the one that contacts me even if it doesn't have to do with the kids. I keep it short and end it quickly.

 

I don't believe at this point that there is anything worth saving. She is too far gone and I feel like I don't even know who she is anymore. She has become best friends with out babysitter who is 18 years old, she is 32. She's not the woman that I fell in love with. I'm just trying to gain my footing again and learn to live without her.

 

I am sorry for my comments. In rereading, I did not give you what you asked for. I was just mad at how she is treating you and your kids. I wish, you did not have to go trough this pain. Looks like you are doing well, and doing the right things. My only suggestion is to do things, as far as you are able, for yourself and your kids to keep your mind strong. Follow up on the divorce, the sooner it is done the better for you. Your bad days will get less and less as time passes. This is the only way, all I would state is the less you "deal" and interact with her the better. Put your love into your kids, reach out to family and friends, and take up some activity that helps you. Also, keep posting here and help out others that are going trough the same thing.

 

Wish you luck, and the best outcome to be had from all of this.

[KBarletta]

Welcome to LS! You are already better off than many others in your shoes, because you realize that it is over and you need to move on and you are taking steps to do so. It's going to be hard to do, but you will make it easier by sticking to No Contact (except for child-related interactions), and filing for divorce and seeking custody of your children.

 

What is your financial situation? Is she financially independent? I would advise you to speak to a lawyer ASAP, get divorce proceedings moving forward and focusing on your children and their well-being.

 

As you already know, it's going to be difficult - probably the most difficult thing you've ever had to do, but there is no way around it but to go through it. Keep seeing your counselor, keep posting here, keep all contact with your wife to a minimum. I would even tell her point blank that unless it involves the children or the divorce, you aren't interested in communicating with her. She's likely to try to keep doing that if only to keep you as a back-burner option in case her other romances flame out, which they undoubtedly will do if she keeps up her current pattern.

 

I wish you luck. Keep posting!

 

 

KTB

[KBarletta]

I wish i could understand why she is acting this way. I've accepted that this marriage is over but now have a lot of anger and resentment for towards the way she is being careless.

 

I wish I had an answer for this. If I did, I probably wouldn't need this forum.

 

So many stories have the same basic outline as yours, and there is hardly ever a concrete reason why. Sometimes it's "Grass is Greener Syndrome" a kind of mid-life crisis, sometimes it's triggered by depression or low self esteem, sometimes people are just predisposed to not being monogamous. Sometimes people actually do fall out of love with one person and in love with another. There's a lot of possible explanations, but none of them changes the reality for you, which is that you're best option is to move on and not look back.

[DKT3]

This is actually really common for women that has had gastric bypass. I have a friend, more my brothers friend, that wife had this and also did what you wife is doing. We checked into it and found that its very common. Some of the "experts" say it has a lot to do with the new found attention from other men, being able to wear things they never were before.

 

If you google it there is a lot of information.

[CheckedOut]

 

What is your financial situation? Is she financially independent? I would advise you to speak to a lawyer ASAP, get divorce proceedings moving forward and focusing on your children and their well-being.

 

KTB

 

She is financially independent not that she makes a whole lot of money. All of our bank accounts have already been separated.

 

I guess I should have listened to the advice of my mother-in-law when she told me that nothing is ever going to be enough for her. Appears she was right.

 

I'm just taking things one day at a time. I appreciate all the advice and support.

[Hope Shimmers]

This is actually really common for women that has had gastric bypass. I have a friend, more my brothers friend, that wife had this and also did what you wife is doing. We checked into it and found that its very common. Some of the "experts" say it has a lot to do with the new found attention from other men, being able to wear things they never were before.

 

If you google it there is a lot of information.

 

OP, this is very true. There is a wealth of information out there on psychological issues related to gastric bypass surgery (before and after). Psychological Assessment of the Patient Undergoing Bariatric Surgery

 

The motivations for doing it and the effects afterwards often result in them becoming different people than they were before.

[macmillerpwnz]

THIS IS CRAZY!!!!

 

This is a very similar story that happened to me! My wife told me ILYBNILWY as well! I found out she was cheating on me! I begged her back, acted a fool, and then finally went NC, on the 10th day she tried being my friend and acting like we had a chance to be together, I pushed it told her to drop the main guy, she then quickly basically told me **** off, so I have started NC again and am on my 5th day! I know this time if she tries to give me breadcrumbs again that I will not take the bait! THE ONLY WAY is to go NC my friend!

 

I understand it is hard to focus on yourself like you stated. Trust me! I am going through this as we speak! I have learned to start working out at the gym, talking to other women, hanging out with friends and family has helped me... and the longer time goes on the easier it is to start doing this and start focusing on yourself. I would say the first few weeks are the hardest. I found out on June 6th that she was cheating on me. So it has been about a month and a half now.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I should have listened to the advice of my mother-in-law when she told me that nothing is ever going to be enough for her. Appears she was right.

 

I'm just taking things one day at a time. I appreciate all the advice and support.

 

Wow, from her own Mom? You're right, probably is true.

 

There comes a time in the divorce process when the light bulb goes on and you realize this - time to make it about you.

 

This means maximizing your time with your kids and your impact on their lives.

 

This means eating right and exercising so you're prepared for the challenges and opportunities ahead.

 

This means getting out and being around other people including (gasp!) other women, even in group or non-dating environments.

 

This means being open to new experiences and trying new things that your previous life didn't allow you to do.

 

And most importantly, this means letting her and your old relationship go. No unnecessary contract. No sitting alone in a dark room. No stalking on social media. No false hope or pretenses.

 

Be selfish in a positive way. Your new life is worth it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CheckedOut]

Is it possible that they are really "in love" after only dating for less than a month or is this most likely just a rebound relationship? From his past he seems to have had a lot of long term relationships that don't last.

 

I really worry about her bringing new men around my kids when they're already acting out as is and will only make things more confusing.

[macmillerpwnz]

my wife also thinks shes in love with the guy she left me for and she has only been with him about a month and a half and already had him spend the weekend at our house we owned together with my kids there all weekend... I don't understand the logic behind this...

[Mrin]

Is it possible that they are really "in love" after only dating for less than a month or is this most likely just a rebound relationship? From his past he seems to have had a lot of long term relationships that don't last.

 

I really worry about her bringing new men around my kids when they're already acting out as is and will only make things more confusing.

 

Possibly. Maybe. Who knows.

 

But what you said in the second paragraph is the important thing. You need to establish firm rules on what the kids see and who they meet. Right now. Today.

 

- how long must you date a person before introducing him/her to the kids. We set it at 6 months. Can be waived by other parent.

- background check mandatory for anyone you're going to introduce to the kids.

- no introductions until other parent has met introducee. Or waived the right

- no sleepovers around kids unless other parent is informed beforehand.

 

Worked like a charm for us. Did she introduce the kids to this guy already?

[mightycpa]

Definitely talk to that divorce lawyer. Moving out of the house without the kids is often called "abandonment".

 

I'd also get some of those credit cards that you purchase at the grocery store and start using them to order delicious cheesecakes and other treats from Harry and David, and have them delivered to her place regularly. After she's become comfortable with that, you can add candy bouquets, wines and cheeses and other thoughtful gifts too.

 

No need to take personal credit, just have it sent compliments of a Secret Admirer, and don't forget to mention that she's a wonderful person and she deserves fine things. She'll lap it up, both figuratively and literally.

 

They say the best revenge is served cold, but I think in this case, it is served by UPS, and should really cost no more than $100 a month.

[Movingforward2]

There is no logic. Some people just "don't get it" and once they hit a breaking point, they do not care. Stay strong, don't give it, and get on the offense. I wish I would have done all of these things. If you want to keep your house, tell her to get out. DO NOT MOVE unless you plan on moving. I learned this the hard way on a home I owed 8 years on. I eventually had to sell it and start over.

 

I've watched my XW completely change groups of friends, move 25 miles across town, and my kids are in complete dysfunction to the point it's embarrassing. My home was literally 500 yards to my daughter's school for the next 11 years, and we had to sell it for her to move a 45 minute commute away. I am beyond frustrated, but have accepted there is nothing I can do about it.

 

DON'T back down. Get on the offense. It will suck, but pull yourself together...you can DO IT.

[CheckedOut]

Possibly. Maybe. Who knows.

 

But what you said in the second paragraph is the important thing. You need to establish firm rules on what the kids see and who they meet. Right now. Today.

 

- how long must you date a person before introducing him/her to the kids. We set it at 6 months. Can be waived by other parent.

- background check mandatory for anyone you're going to introduce to the kids.

- no introductions until other parent has met introducee. Or waived the right

- no sleepovers around kids unless other parent is informed beforehand.

 

Worked like a charm for us. Did she introduce the kids to this guy already?

 

 

We have set it at 6 months as well. She had said that her and the OM have both agreed that they don't want to introduce their kids right away. However, she met his kids 3 days ago which she said was per his kids request. His kids are 9 and 14 which is a big difference between ours which are 2 and 5.

 

She hasn't introduced them to him yet. She said she would let me meet him before she had the kids meet him. Not sure yet if I even want to do that. I don't think she would introduce them without my permission but I don't put anything past her these days. She's always doing the opposite of what she tells me.

[CheckedOut]

Definitely talk to that divorce lawyer. Moving out of the house without the kids is often called "abandonment".

 

I'd also get some of those credit cards that you purchase at the grocery store and start using them to order delicious cheesecakes and other treats from Harry and David, and have them delivered to her place regularly. After she's become comfortable with that, you can add candy bouquets, wines and cheeses and other thoughtful gifts too.

 

No need to take personal credit, just have it sent compliments of a Secret Admirer, and don't forget to mention that she's a wonderful person and she deserves fine things. She'll lap it up, both figuratively and literally.

 

They say the best revenge is served cold, but I think in this case, it is served by UPS, and should really cost no more than $100 a month.

 

I love this idea. There's no doubt she'd eat it all. She doesn't follow her bariatric diet at all.

[Mrin]

We have set it at 6 months as well. She had said that her and the OM have both agreed that they don't want to introduce their kids right away. However, she met his kids 3 days ago which she said was per his kids request. His kids are 9 and 14 which is a big difference between ours which are 2 and 5.

 

She hasn't introduced them to him yet. She said she would let me meet him before she had the kids meet him. Not sure yet if I even want to do that. I don't think she would introduce them without my permission but I don't put anything past her these days. She's always doing the opposite of what she tells me.

 

Dude, so glad to hear that you guys had this conversation. I read these stories about OM and OW showing up scant days after the other spouse has left the home and cringe.

 

Seriously though, I'd totally do a background check even if it isn't something you specifically agree upon with you spouse. My GF told me a story about a guy she was dating. Seemed sweet. Responsible. But she decided to run a background check and boom: 2 domestic violence offenses and an assault and battery. Not terribly recent but enough to make her take a pass. Lucky me she did!

[CheckedOut]

I received this message from my wife 3 days ago:

 

W: I miss hanging out with you lol

Me: What?

W: Just hanging out and having fun

Me: Ok...

W: Sorry. It's the truth. You don't miss me?

Me: I'm surprised

W: You're still my friend. Just hope we can get to a place where we can hang out again someday.

 

End of conversation.

 

Seriously? Why would she even send me that? She already has the OM that she is in love with. He had been out of town for a week so maybe she was just feeling lonely.

[macmillerpwnz]

Yeah that's all it is how long have you been in NC?

[CheckedOut]

Yeah that's all it is how long have you been in NC?

 

If you consider me not contacting her first it's been about a month. I don't contact her first unless it has to do with the kids. She is the one that contacts me with things not pertaining to them. Anytime she contacts me I make sure to keep it short.

[Mr. Lucky]

Seriously? Why would she even send me that?

 

She's trying to keep you groomed as her back up plan in case the OM relationship goes South. Up to you if you want to play the part.

 

I didn't answer any interaction with my xW not directly related to our son. Made these kinds of things easy, just didn't respond...

 

Mr. Lucky