emotional affair has taken its toll

[lonelybutnotalone]

My husband and I have been married over 20 years. we have a LARGE family together. We, as all couples have had our ups and downs, but always walked away better off than before. To my knowledge, not cheating, well, sexual anyway. For the past couple of years, my husbands mood has began to change. Happy go lucky, life of the party at work, dull, distant and just plan boring at home. About 4 months ago, I stumbled upon an email from a "friend" at work. "Did you just send me porn?" she asked, then continued to tell him " not that you sending me porn in a bad thing". His response was a quick LOL and " of course not". but that got my curiosity going. I begin checking behind him, which is not like me. I found over 6 months of conversations with this woman from work. the "porn" lady ( I use that term loosely)/. Nothing very sexual, mostly joking back and forth about being bored at work, poking fun of co workers, things like that. an occasional flirt here and there, nothing that would make me want to leave. HOWEVER, this is my problem, and im not really sure why I cant deal with it. Every single morning, for 6 months, he sent her a "Good morning Sunshine" text. usually followed by work talk, or more jokes. I am a stay at home mom of our 9, YES NINE children. Most of our children are grown and on their own, but we have 3 younger children. Usually I am very secure in what I do, my relationship, myself, my family. I worked very hard after the birth of our last son and lost 70 pounds. I am also happy with what I do.Very. I believe I am fulfilling my God given duties. But this relationship has made me doubt everything. I have no issues not talking to my husband during the day much, he has a job to do, but after seeing how much time and effort he put into talking to her on a daily basis, I cant help but be jealous. He apologized, saying "He took flirting a little too far" but does not understand why I cant move past it. Maybe he is right, maybe Im making it out to be more than it is. But I run into people he works with, always talking about how HAPPY and Funny he is at work, just to have him come home, sit outside till bed time, with very little time for me anymore and Its those 3 little words that haunt me "Good Morning Sunshine"... Is this completely ridiculous?

[mrldii]

Nope, you're not being ridiculous.

 

You're reeling from his having emotionally - not sexually - cheated on you. Many women are emotional creatures and 'emotional cheating' is just as bad - if not worse - than actual physical cheating.

 

It reads like your husband is trying to do the responsible thing and perform his God-fulfilling duties of being a husband and father...but is NOT as happy and content while doing it as you are. Marriage counseling - perhaps even that associated with your faith/church - may be the best thing for you both to get your marriage back on track...

 

...which would include him feeling more emotionally-connected within it (instead of looking outside of it) and for you being able to rid yourself of your angst over his [emotional] cheating by connecting with another [woman] on *that* level.

 

 

Best of everything to you, OP...

[mystikmind2005]

Honestly,,,, whatever crumbs of romance you can salvage after the disaster of 9 kids, NINE kids, is a blessing.

 

(i use the word 'disaster' in terms of romance)

[TaraMaiden2]

You guys desperately need counselling.

 

What I am about to say is going to sound very harsh.

But I used to be involved with a counselling organisation, and I met three couples with large families. 6, 11 and 14 kids.

And this is what we found:

 

All you've done for the past 11 years, is breed, so frankly, parenthood, parentING and the mundane have got in the way of true, relationship love.

He sees you as the mother-figure.

It's hard to feel anything remotely romantic about a breeding machine.

 

This is what we discovered the husbands felt about their wives, and absolutely naturally, their wives were extremely offended by this.

They had been transformed, in their husband's eyes, from objects of beauty, desire and love, into baby factories.

 

Grossly unfair and distinctly sexless.

But then, the husbands also needed the opposite.

They needed the stimulation of personal attention, individual love, and emotional gratification, and the wives were kinda busy elsewhere, bringing up, nurturing, looking after, caring for and tending to the children.

 

So there was a warped sense or perception on both sides.

 

Please book counselling sessions for the two of you.

 

you need to rediscover your identity as yourself - not "XXX's wife", or "9 children's mother".

 

YOURSELF.

 

Re-invent who you are.

And get your husband to see that.

[lonelybutnotalone]

Thanks guys,

 

 

Harsh, yes. truth, yes... after several months of self reflection, I realize I have stretched myself so thin, trying to be mother, wife, friend. I spend every waking second thinking of ways to take care of the kids, and still trying to be spontaneous and romantic with my husband. I have completely lost myself. Im sure that cant be the most attractive thing. Does that excuse his behavior? NO.. But it does give some insight as to why he may have turned to her. A career woman, single, no children, who seemingly has it all together. I guess I only THOUGHT I had it all together. Loosing the 70 lbs, was in part, part of my trying to keep him interested. Apparently, that wasn't the problem. Im afraid it isn't going to be a problem much longer anyway, He has began drinking, and does so on a daily basis. He has refused counseling, and seems deaf to my request. I take full responsibility for any thing I have done to contribute, but it is becoming clear to me, this is a personal problem for him. one that I cant love him out of.

[Lois_Griffin]

He just sounds completely and utterly disengaged in every single way.

 

You can jump around like a trained seal all you want, but the sad truth is that his attentions and attraction are elsewhere and have been for a while.

 

Would he maybe consider marriage counseling?

 

I hate to say it, but TaraMaiden2 is right on the money when she says:

 

All you've done for the past 11 years, is breed, so frankly, parenthood, parentING and the mundane have got in the way of true, relationship love.

He sees you as the mother-figure.

It's hard to feel anything remotely romantic about a breeding machine.

 

Except it sounds to me like it's been 20 years of this, not 11. Ugh. I have no idea how to come back from that type of image.

[TaraMaiden2]

What can you do about him?

 

Nothing.

 

What can you do FOR him?

 

Apparently (again), nothing.

 

So what do you have left?

 

you have you.

 

Don't despair or lose hope.

You are still you.

You still have energy, dynamism, and determination.

 

I don't know whether your children have noticed that there is a malfunction in your (joint) relationship, but is there anyone you could confide in, either a family member, or a therapist/counsellor for yourself?

 

You can now only look to yourself.

 

And don't feel guilt or shame.

 

This happens in relationships, no matter what the number of children.

Spouses begin to run along parallel lines and sometimes, they never cross, or meet.

 

it may look as if they do, on the horizon, but reach that spot and guess what?

 

 

It's all a matter of personal perspective.

 

If you can't 'fix' him (no reason why you could or should) then the only person you can get to work on, is the gal in the mirror.

 

My ex-H always wanted things on his terms.

Well, one day, I needed to talk to him about something important, something that would affect us both, something that had been building up....

I broached the subject, but he didn't pick up the baton.

He chose to ignore the elephant in the room, so I went ahead and did what I needed to do, anyway.

 

He reproached me.

"We should have talked about this! Why didn't you consult me?!"

 

And I replied,

 

"You had your chance on *such-and-such* a day. I tried to talk to you, but you wouldn't have it. So I went ahead and made my own decision. Not everything that happens in this family gets to happen when YOU want, and on YOUR terms. So you've blown it. Suck it up."

 

You have a great brain between your ears. You're a competent, capable, savvy experienced and talented woman. You've successfully given birth to, and raised a large family.

 

Use those skills to your advantage, but above all, be proud of them.

 

You're a heck of a catch.

And losing all that weight? After so many children? Heck, that's 5 stone in old money!!

 

Rock on, Empress!

[Satu]

I wonder if you've both just got lost amidst your crowd of children.

 

You must be nearly superhuman to be able to take care of all their needs.

 

Remarkable.

 

But what time is left over for you to have quality time as a couple?

 

Do you get the chance to go out, just the two of you, and do things as a couple occasionally?

 

Has there been any opportunity for romance, for a man and woman to be tender and loving with each other, one on one?

 

There needs to be.

 

I completely agree with TaraMaiden2's take on this situation in post 4.

 

Although I don't condone your husband's actions in becoming emotionally involved with another woman, I do understand it. He probably feels neglected. Whether he's wrong to feel that way, I don't know. Maybe he isn't.

 

I do feel that this is probably repairable, though.

 

Do either of you get some time for yourselves as individuals?

 

Again, there needs to be.

 

Whatever glue there has been that's kept you together over the years, is still there.

 

It seems to me that while the children's needs are being met, Mum and Dads aren't. You might even have forgotten what those needs are.

 

As regards the emotional affair, he may have been trying to get some personal attention in an inappropriate way. I don't condone it, but I do understand it.

 

Your hurt is understandable too.

 

You need to find yourselves again, both as individuals, and as a couple.

 

You can't just be Mum and Dad.

 

I don't know if I'm reading things correctly, but thats what I'm seeing.

 

 

All the best,

 

 

Satu.

Edited July 23, 2015 by Satu

[smackie9]

What happened is perfectly normal. Couples who get so busy with "life" often forget to set aside time to be a couple, and go out or go away just the two of you....which leads to zero romance/emotional connection.

 

Now that you two are down to 3 kids, you both can now "schedule" dates, and sexy time. Get on the net and search out things that you two can do locally, like a concert, or visit a midnight market, hikes, sight seeing, do a wine tour, even take up rock climbing or take salsa/ballroom dancing....just try new things. This will help pull you guys out of your marital rut. I don't think you need counseling, your issues are not so dramatic that you need help. What will fix this is actually making an effort to spend quality time together/complement each other/ show affection for each other.

[lonelybutnotalone]

Thank you!!! Throughout all of this chaos, I do take pride in the remarkable people I have brought into this crazy world! I may not be what others would have me be, or even what I imagined myself to be, but nine, unbelievably respectful, friendly, well educated, CRAZY beautiful people call me mom.. and for that I am proud! Ps.. thanks it kind of feels great to be able to go to your 26 year old daughter, and borrow her clothes!

 

 

What can you do about him?

 

Nothing.

 

What can you do FOR him?

 

Apparently (again), nothing.

 

So what do you have left?

 

you have you.

 

Don't despair or lose hope.

You are still you.

You still have energy, dynamism, and determination.

 

I don't know whether your children have noticed that there is a malfunction in your (joint) relationship, but is there anyone you could confide in, either a family member, or a therapist/counsellor for yourself?

 

You can now only look to yourself.

 

And don't feel guilt or shame.

 

This happens in relationships, no matter what the number of children.

Spouses begin to run along parallel lines and sometimes, they never cross, or meet.

 

it may look as if they do, on the horizon, but reach that spot and guess what?

 

 

It's all a matter of personal perspective.

 

If you can't 'fix' him (no reason why you could or should) then the only person you can get to work on, is the gal in the mirror.

 

My ex-H always wanted things on his terms.

Well, one day, I needed to talk to him about something important, something that would affect us both, something that had been building up....

I broached the subject, but he didn't pick up the baton.

He chose to ignore the elephant in the room, so I went ahead and did what I needed to do, anyway.

 

He reproached me.

"We should have talked about this! Why didn't you consult me?!"

 

And I replied,

 

"You had your chance on *such-and-such* a day. I tried to talk to you, but you wouldn't have it. So I went ahead and made my own decision. Not everything that happens in this family gets to happen when YOU want, and on YOUR terms. So you've blown it. Suck it up."

 

You have a great brain between your ears. You're a competent, capable, savvy experienced and talented woman. You've successfully given birth to, and raised a large family.

 

Use those skills to your advantage, but above all, be proud of them.

 

You're a heck of a catch.

And losing all that weight? After so many children? Heck, that's 5 stone in old money!!

 

Rock on, Empress!

[Satu]

Thank you!!! Throughout all of this chaos, I do take pride in the remarkable people I have brought into this crazy world! I may not be what others would have me be, or even what I imagined myself to be, but nine, unbelievably respectful, friendly, well educated, CRAZY beautiful people call me mom.. and for that I am proud! Ps.. thanks it kind of feels great to be able to go to your 26 year old daughter, and borrow her clothes!

 

You really should take pride in what you've achieved. As I said before:

 

Its remarkable.

[lonelybutnotalone]

( forgive the "randomness" of these comments, trying to answer everyone ) He has refused any suggestion of counseling. Yes, I am strongly considering counseling for myself. Our children range in age from 26 to 19 months, yes, all of them have noticed a difference in dad. "me and you time" as we called it use to be a monthly part of our life, Last weekend, however, was the first time in over 6 months, I was able to get him to take me anywhere (other than the occasional dinner/Wal-Mart trip) How romantic, right? I almost think he is depressed, as he shows very little interest in doing anything, BUT... You let a golf tournament come up, and he is 12 years old again! Example of daily behavior.... come home from work, speak to everyone, go outside to his "man cave" sit and watch news and drink until bed time. We have had bible school all this week so the kids and I have been coming home late, everynight to him asleep. (passed out) Last night, he was awake, but had been drinking, no conversation at all, not a word. This morning, he left for work without a word. 3 hours later, a random email from him saying " Im so glad I woke up this morning knowing you are mine, and I am yours".. ????? Hello? bi polar much? That is aweful sweet, but will likely be the only contact we have today. its just so confusing!

[Satu]

( forgive the "randomness" of these comments, trying to answer everyone ) He has refused any suggestion of counseling. Yes, I am strongly considering counseling for myself. Our children range in age from 26 to 19 months, yes, all of them have noticed a difference in dad. "me and you time" as we called it use to be a monthly part of our life, Last weekend, however, was the first time in over 6 months, I was able to get him to take me anywhere (other than the occasional dinner/Wal-Mart trip) How romantic, right? I almost think he is depressed, as he shows very little interest in doing anything, BUT... You let a golf tournament come up, and he is 12 years old again! Example of daily behavior.... come home from work, speak to everyone, go outside to his "man cave" sit and watch news and drink until bed time. We have had bible school all this week so the kids and I have been coming home late, everynight to him asleep. (passed out) Last night, he was awake, but had been drinking, no conversation at all, not a word. This morning, he left for work without a word. 3 hours later, a random email from him saying " Im so glad I woke up this morning knowing you are mine, and I am yours".. ????? Hello? bi polar much? That is aweful sweet, but will likely be the only contact we have today. its just so confusing!

 

It does sound like he might be depressed; or perhaps he's just sunk into apathy for some reason. He might be wrestling with guilt because of his emotional affair. I have a feeling that that might be the case.

 

As regards the drinking: Tell him very firmly that you're not going to tolerate it. Tell him to knock it off, right now.

 

As his wife, you have the right to do that.

 

If he won't go to counselling, you should go, just to get your thoughts in order and gain some clarity.

 

You are an immensely capable woman, but even those need a helping hand sometimes.

 

 

Take care.

[lonelybutnotalone]

To answer your question, yes, he gets " him" time, in fact he will be on a 4 day golf retreat in two weeks. As for me, i went to the bathroom this morning, and ALMOST finished before someone knocked on the door, does that count? But, seriously, thinking back, its been 6 years sense i have left the house without him or the children. Makes this suck even more! UOTE=Satu;6451244]I wonder if you've both just got lost amidst your crowd of children.

 

You must be nearly superhuman to be able to take care of all their needs.

 

Remarkable.

 

But what time is left over for you to have quality time as a couple?

 

Do you get the chance to go out, just the two of you, and do things as a couple occasionally?

 

Has there been any opportunity for romance, for a man and woman to be tender and loving with each other, one on one?

 

There needs to be.

 

I completely agree with TaraMaiden2's take on this situation in post 4.

 

Although I don't condone your husband's actions in becoming emotionally involved with another woman, I do understand it. He probably feels neglected. Whether he's wrong to feel that way, I don't know. Maybe he isn't.

 

I do feel that this is probably repairable, though.

 

Do either of you get some time for yourselves as individuals?

 

Again, there needs to be.

 

Whatever glue there has been that's kept you together over the years, is still there.

 

It seems to me that while the children's needs are being met, Mum and Dads aren't. You might even have forgotten what those needs are.

 

As regards the emotional affair, he may have been trying to get some personal attention in an inappropriate way. I don't condone it, but I do understand it.

 

Your hurt is understandable too.

 

You need to find yourselves again, both as individuals, and as a couple.

 

You can't just be Mum and Dad.

 

I don't know if I'm reading things correctly, but thats what I'm seeing.

 

 

All the best,

 

 

Satu.

[smackie9]

Look.... hats off to you being super mom....but when you focus your time to your godly duty to raise children, You have neglected your husband.....that is why he has become disconnected. One can feel very lonely in a marriage even tho you are surrounded by 6 plus people.

 

Him hiding in his man cave, drinking, and turning to a coworker for conversation and emotional connection, is all from neglect.

 

Many couples divorce after all the children leave the nest. They spent so much time focusing on responsibilities, they become strangers and realized they have drifted apart......very tragic, but is preventable. This is your opportunity to sit down with your husband and "communicate" acknowledgement of the neglect, and find ways to resolve it.

[TaraMaiden2]

Look.... hats off to you being super mom....but when you focus your time to your godly duty to raise children, You have neglected your husband.....

I disaagree. As I stated above, they both fell into the parent trap and their perceptions of one another became distorted and skewed. This has nothing to do with her neglecting her husband. This has everything to do with running on parallel lines, trying to be everything required, trying their level damndest to keep all the plates spinning - and letting one or two drop in the process.

This is a joint thing, this is nothing solely on her shoulders.

 

that is why he has become disconnected. One can feel very lonely in a marriage even tho you are surrounded by 6 plus people.

Trust me, loneliness cuts both ways, when you realise your H is texting someone else 'good morning sunshine' and all this time he's been pumping sperm and shooting kiddies with you...

 

Him hiding in his man cave, drinking, and turning to a coworker for conversation and emotional connection, is all from neglect.

 

No. It's from him crawling into a bottle and handling things in a typically macho "I don't give a s**t" way, because he's too stubborn to agree to counselling, and won't communicate with his wife, effectively. This solution to the dilemma is his choice. Nobody pushed him to start drinking.

 

Many couples divorce after all the children leave the nest. They spent so much time focusing on responsibilities, they become strangers and realized they have drifted apart......very tragic, but is preventable.

 

Agreed, In fact, 2 of the 3 couples we saw (with large families) found ways of 'reconnecting' by addressing their attitudes, responsibilities and communication skills. The third couple.... that wasn't so good...

 

This is your opportunity to sit down with your husband and "communicate" acknowledgement of the neglect you have BOTH been responsible for, and find ways to resolve it together, by admitting the shortfalls on BOTH sides.

 

Fixed that for you....

[smackie9]

I get that it takes two to tango BUT.......he was the one that was seeking attention from someone else, not her.

[TaraMaiden2]

...And that's HER fault??

 

Nope, sorry.

He was the one with the roving eye.

 

His wife was 'good enough' to produce 9 children with.

If he wanted more attention from her, he should have worn a condom.

 

Suddenly, it's the BS who's to blame for the fact that their spouse has an EA??

 

Gimme a break....!

 

There is a shared responsibility for the general state of the relationship.

The BLAME for his looking elsewhere lies entirely at his feet, in his lap and on his shoulders.

 

All of it.

[66Charger]

You had privy, to 6 months of emails or text, and found no flirting, nothing at all?,

 

Then There is nothing.

 

Hatress will bag hard on him, for the Sunshine, however there is no EA. In six months, if they havent touched each other, they probaly wont. Especially if you put him in his place as you should do.

 

He needs to stop drinking, stop with the sunshine comments, and give you some loving and attention, but NOT THE PHYSICAL kind!

[smackie9]

Men don't communicate verbally, they communicate through behavior. He's shut down for a reason.

 

Like he's gonna come out and tell her she's paying too much attention to the kids, or he didn't expect to be changing diapers at this point in his life, or he isn't finding her attractive anymore, or he doesn't want this life anymore, or wish thing were different, or he is unhappy, etc.

 

Sorry men NEED physical attention. If he isn't getting it, he's gonna shut down, and escape from his situation....this is how many men handle things. If there is something wrong with his behavior, the wife has to step up or he is going to step out.....which is already stating to happen.

[TaraMaiden2]

Men don't communicate verbally, they communicate through behavior.

When you consider the enormous number of threads on this forum posted by young guys who have had their hearts broken by UNCOMMUNICATIVE women, this makes a complete falsity of this statement.

He's shut down for a reason.

Yes.

Poor communication FROM BOTH SIDES.

 

Like he's gonna come out and tell her she's paying too much attention to the kids, or he didn't expect to be changing diapers at this point in his life, or he isn't finding her attractive anymore, or he doesn't want this life anymore, or wish thing were different, or he is unhappy, etc.

Yes, he's a very poor communicator.

Like she's going to telepathically pick up on all of that while she's the one who is paying attention to the kids, is changing diapers, and genrally bringing up 9 children simultaneously. When you have your attention being pulled by 9 minor, dependent children, it's hardly surprising you fail to notice the 10th kid sulking....

 

Sorry men NEED physical attention.

...And women need sensitive supportive and understanding attention. Which is more important?

 

If he isn't getting it, he's gonna shut down, and escape from his situation...

Ah yes. Poor communication. You 'get it' then.....

 

this is how many men handle things. If there is something wrong with his behavior,

..Which apparently, in your book, makes him 'right'...?!

 

the wife has to step up or he is going to step out.....

 

Ah yes. There's something WRONG with his behaviour, he has 'shut down'...but it's the wife who has to spot that, understand it, diagnose it and single-handedly remedy it?

 

Yeah, good luck with that.

 

"Honey, I put my pecker in this other dame, because YOU didn't realise that I was a poor communicator - it's ALL YOUR FAULT!" Gimme a break....

 

which is already stating to happen.

And that's on him.

He should be referring to his wife - the mother of his 9 children - his Life-Partner - as his 'sunshine'.

Edited July 25, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[SummerDreams]

I just wanted to comment on one thing nobody noticed; the OP said her husband had not seen or talked to her for hours but he sent her an emotional email out of the blue. This made me wonder whether he is getting advise of how to talk to his wife from the coworker. It doesnt make sense, he barely talks to his wife all day, he stays alone drinking after work and while at work, supppsedly being busy, he remembers to send her such an emotional email? Was this email meant to be sent to his wife or the OW? Just wondering...

[smackie9]

I just wanted to comment on one thing nobody noticed; the OP said her husband had not seen or talked to her for hours but he sent her an emotional email out of the blue. This made me wonder whether he is getting advise of how to talk to his wife from the coworker. It doesnt make sense, he barely talks to his wife all day, he stays alone drinking after work and while at work, supppsedly being busy, he remembers to send her such an emotional email? Was this email meant to be sent to his wife or the OW? Just wondering...

 

 

Nah he's prob drinking again.....feeling guilty or covering his ass.

[sandylee1]

I assume the decision to have a large family was mutual, so it's the responsibility of both husband and wife to work together. I do get a bit peeved with comments of women neglecting their husbands. It's hard work being a SAHM, never mind having given birth to 9 children. The OP could equally look for an emotional connection elsewhere but she isn't.

 

Congratulations on the fantastic weight loss. I do think time together is very important. My H and I take turns in arranging date nights. Perhaps one of the older kids can babysit when you go out. Time together as a couple is essential. If you can go one further and have a weekend away, just the two of you that will help to reconnect. Even if it's in 3/4 months time it'll give you something to look forward to.

[smackie9]

When you consider the enormous number of threads on this forum posted by young guys who have had their hearts broken by UNCOMMUNICATIVE women, this makes a complete falsity of this statement.

 

Yes.

Poor communication FROM BOTH SIDES.

 

 

Yes, he's a very poor communicator.

Like she's going to telepathically pick up on all of that while she's the one who is paying attention to the kids, is changing diapers, and genrally bringing up 9 children simultaneously. When you have your attention being pulled by 9 minor, dependent children, it's hardly surprising you fail to notice the 10th kid sulking....

 

 

...And women need sensitive supportive and understanding attention. Which is more important?

 

 

Ah yes. Poor communication. You 'get it' then.....

 

 

..Which apparently, in your book, makes him 'right'...?!

 

 

 

Ah yes. There's something WRONG with his behaviour, he has 'shut down'...but it's the wife who has to spot that, understand it, diagnose it and single-handedly remedy it?

 

Yeah, good luck with that.

 

"Honey, I put my pecker in this other dame, because YOU didn't realise that I was a poor communicator - it's ALL YOUR FAULT!" Gimme a break....

 

 

And that's on him.

He should be referring to his wife - the mother of his 9 children - his Life-Partner - as his 'sunshine'.

He's not stickin it into anything....he drifted away emotionally because he wasn't getting what he needed at home.