Trying to understand this girl?

[MrJ]

There’s been one girl in my life for five years. I met her when I was 14. She was a grade above me and totally different to me, but we were drawn together nonetheless. I was quiet, shy, sporty, non-academic and more into my social life. She was articulate, beautiful, clever, academic – perfect really (later became head prefect and 3rd most intelligent person in her final year). But for 3 years we were completely happy. She was an amazing girlfriend. On my 18th birthday she bought me 18 different presents and laid them out on my bed. She helped me with my school work. She inspired me to do well. Every day I got home from a job, she’d have cooked me something to eat. She always gave me gifts. She was always there for me, always happy with just being with me and doing whatever so long as we were together. She helped me grow from an unmotivated, unambitious, un-opinionated guy to a person with real feelings, beliefs, convictions and ambitions.

 

Somewhere along the line, we started arguing a lot. Our differences surfaced and to this day we’ve struggled to reconcile them. She was angry/upset a lot. Said I never understood her and was too dependent on her for my happiness. We decided it be a good idea for me to overseas. She wanted me to “grow up”, learn there was more to life than our relationship – I was a little obsessed with it. And I went, and all hell broke lose. I phoned her all the time but she stopped communicating with me. I heard she had been going out and having fun. And then she phoned me 5 months into the trip to say she had kissed someone else. So I kissed someone else to get back at her.

 

I was destroyed. It was the most unlike her thing to do, completely unexpected and I still ask myself WHY to this day. She explains it like she wanted to forget about me because the relationship had been quite a burden for her and she invested so much emotion, time and energy into it and didn’t feel like she was getting anything back. I was her only boyfriend her whole life so that could be another reason she tried something else.

 

Since I’ve been back, we’ve been on and off. She’s been good to me. Still welcomes me to her house, makes me food, gives me gifts, takes me out, etc. Both haven’t kissed anyone else since my return but haven’t managed to work things out properly either. When we fight, we can’t seem to resolve it. We’re both stubborn and uncompromising. I want to ask you if you think it is worth it trying to patch things up and why she did this to me.

[Tripgoddess]

I had basically the same story. 3 years ago. I know we all hate to hear this but honestly- there is always someone else. You two have a past, a long wonderful past. Get what I'm saying? PAST.

 

In my opinion maybe she needs to sow some wild oats. Life changes people, as you said in your rant above. It's normal. It's life.

 

You have 2 options:

1. Make it work, be 100% honest, tell her you love her, and say anything and everything you feel, think and want from this.

2. Move on. Plain and simple.

 

My realtionship ended a year before it ended. It became habit and something we just kept along with because it was all we knew. It should of ended earlier but I wasn't ready and neither was my partner. The night it finally did end it was bad, it ruined any chance to be friends. Messy and painful. It's the only regret I have.

 

Listen to what your heart and head are telling you. If you should goodbye, do it now, atleast you'll have to option of maybe some day in the future, but if it keeps going sour, if it stays the way you desribed- not only will you loose her a a girlfriend but also as a friend.

 

*sometimes women hang on to a realationship until they find someone else. It seems to be the only way we have the courage to finally let go all the way.

 

Hope this helps you at least alittle.

 

Tripgoddess

[Jomp1972]

I have to ask, what did you do for her in the relationship? All you talked about is what she did for you.

 

From experience, I know that when I keep doing things that I like to do for my boyfriend and when it becomes normal for him, he stops appreciating all I do for him, or at least I think he does. It seems to me that maybe you expect her to do all the things she always did, just because.

 

As a woman I can tell you that we want to know that we are appreciated and the things we do, do not go unnoticed. When we are in love we want to make the other person happy and do all we can (at least most of us). Know I am not her and I am not sure what is going on in her mind, but I have been in a similar situation where I felt like I was being taken advantage of, even though I "trained" my ex to expect all the little things I did for him. I only felt that way when he stopped appreciating it, or actually stopped showing me that he appreciated all I did for him.

 

Also, you said that you spent months apart. How did that change you, if at all? She got a taste of being without you for months, doing what ever she wanted with whoever she wanted and not having to worry about anyone else but herself, which for years she most likely always thought about you and your feelings about whatever it was she was going to do.

 

Just really stop and think as to what you truly want for yourself, whether it is her or not. If you want, make a special night just for her and show her how much she is appreciated for all she does do for you and sit and talk with her about her hopes, dreams, wants and needs. Hopefully no matter what you will get an answer, I hope.

 

Good Luck!