How do they just walk away?

[flowergirl14]

In response my wh said that ow wanted more. Thats what the emails between them indicated too. He said he just stopped contact with her. In other words, he liked the sex and sneaking around but didnt really want another relationship. As long as it was no strings attatched all was good.

[Susmay]

And another thing....whether you value that person or not you should respect them.......

 

 

Yes I agree. But if you think this applies, why shouldn't the OW show respect to the BW even when she doesn't value her? It's obvious most OW don't show that respect to the BW, so it seems hypocritical to suggest that only the MM should be showing respect to both woman.

[bigman1]

Privategal,

 

I can't say that my position applies to EA's. I will say this, you claim to have valued him, but if you kept your relationship secret, only gave him some of you, well, isn't that devaluation?

 

You got the deep relationship stuff, but in the end, did he get the full benefit of that type of relationship for the burden of the secrecy and cheating? He was willing to share you, willing to let you compromise your public persona and willing to let you live a life of deceit with your spouse. How is that valuing you?

 

In fact, that you were each willing to allow the other to live dishonestly for emotional gratification shows mutual devaluation. Don't merge gratification, satisfaction, and value. Put it this way, you were so fulfilling to each other that you buried it in lies and deceit rather than shouting it from the mountain top.

 

Just my thoughts on EA's, but my history is that of a guy who cheated on his girlfriend in college and grad school with different women. Oops, and also after grad school, I forgot about that one. I don't know EA's.

[MissBee]

So here is my question. The only thing that truly bothers me is that we never said goodbye. I know that sounds nuts but it really bugs me. Anytime I tried to say goodbye he just would not say it. It was easier for him to just stop texting, answering, avoid me...whatever. I wonder why you would do that instead of just closing that chapter in your life, especially if you know that is what the other person needs.

I was w my xmm for a year and a half and it was very deep so that's why I'm curiou.

Btw I'm fine and I'm still nc, I was just wondering maybe from a mans perspective also why they do this.??

 

In my experience it's a weird form of denial where he might think if he doesn't say goodbye he is in fact not completely closing the chapter and can resurface should he feel like. That's how it was for my exAP and I. He never ever wanted to agree to end things with any agreed finality and just disappeared for a year in NC and I think partly it was because he wanted to be able to come back and always wanted there to be a crack left open and thought saying goodbye would end things forever.

 

You can't control their mindset though and while the tactic does work, as it leaves you wondering and open, it's up to you to decide how to deal with it.

[privategal]

Privategal,

 

I can't say that my position applies to EA's. I will say this, you claim to have valued him, but if you kept your relationship secret, only gave him some of you, well, isn't that devaluation?

 

You got the deep relationship stuff, but in the end, did he get the full benefit of that type of relationship for the burden of the secrecy and cheating? He was willing to share you, willing to let you compromise your public persona and willing to let you live a life of deceit with your spouse. How is that valuing you?

 

In fact, that you were each willing to allow the other to live dishonestly for emotional gratification shows mutual devaluation. Don't merge gratification, satisfaction, and value. Put it this way, you were so fulfilling to each other that you buried it in lies and deceit rather than shouting it from the mountain top.

 

Just my thoughts on EA's, but my history is that of a guy who cheated on his girlfriend in college and grad school with different women. Oops, and also after grad school, I forgot about that one. I don't know EA's.

Ive made peace with my situation. He loved his wife...I loved my husband...we knew we were in too deep..it had to be done...Im clear what happened.

I just thought it was different.

Thought we were the exception.

Thought we had no choice but to love eachother.

Seemed actually very right.

Easy to get it skewed.

But my questions were rhetorical.

And I admire your honesty.

[DKT3]

First I would like to address mothers not bringing their sons up the right way, truth is males outlook on relationships is shaped by his first several relationships not his mom. "DOGS" weren't raised dogs its really a self protect mode to keep from getting hurt.

 

Secondly, if you really think about it should you expect somewhat of a drop dead when your dealing with a married person? Bottomline is if you was what they REALLY wanted why are they still married. Yeah yeah its complicated, not really not. D-days are the perfect excuses, everyone knows.

[Tullyseptember]

Quite a few years ago I got involved with an old friend who I had a crush on. What my involvement versus his involvement meant two very different meanings to each of us. I chose to ignore the flags waving widely in my face and spent a night with him. HUGE mistake, after that night I never heard or saw him again. Initially it did hurt until I realized I was not worth his time and my even bigger realization was that if he was walking away with no goodbye and no reason than I wasn't meant to know. It's not worth MY time to wonder why someone left my life. It really doesn't matter, it was their choice and they had their reasons. I choose to pick people in my life that want to spend time with me and who won't disappear

[gettingstronger]

Yes I agree. But if you think this applies, why shouldn't the OW show respect to the BW even when she doesn't value her? It's obvious most OW don't show that respect to the BW, so it seems hypocritical to suggest that only the MM should be showing respect to both woman.

 

 

 

Interesting point- I have seen I don't know her, I don't owe her anything- so I guess maybe the MM thinks that of the OW, she is the type of person that owes no one anything and is owed nothing and she's good with that-

[Josmatjes]

No offense taken. I was not a total douche. Actually, I was a well regarded guy, but I did cheat with a woman in college and in grad school. I have to say, I was a complete douche when it came to them.

 

First, we were cheating, so we were all douche bags. Secondly, when it ended, I walked away and that was that. As they say, there is no honor among thieves and I add that there is no honor among cheaters. So no matter how I want to clean up, in the end, I was cheating with a woman on a woman, albeit I was not married. We were both crappy people for that.

 

The rest of my post just points out the hypocrisy. Maybe some women have more emotional involvement, but my general feeling is that if you are in it for the sex, then you have to necessarily devalue the other person, even if it is hypocritical. Not always, but I think for a lot of people that is true. Read the infidelity forum and you will see that over and over again.

 

I actually value women and valued them then; however, if a woman was willing to cheat with me, then she was "less than". Of course, so was I. I just did not want to admit it then. Now, I freely admit it. I was a dick to cheat, I was a dick when it ended, but she was too. Two liars and cheats in a pod.

 

As for not saying good bye...well, let's be honest. I did not consciously think, I don't value you, so no good bye for you. I am saying that after a lot of self reflection, I came to realize that had to be the reason. Put it this way, cheaters don't value their SO's because they are cheating. They did not say, "I don't value you so I am going to cheat", but in the end, if you look at it, when you are cheating, you are not valuing your SO, your relationship, yourself. That is my point. You all were devaluing each other while cheating, so why expect common courtesy? Don't hate the player, hate the game.

 

Your right on a lot of this, for sure. And I'm not going to defend cheaters but in my opinion people cheat for all reasons. But I don't think it devalues them. Sometimes people just get lost. I mean I know for me that's what it was, it was also a one shot deal. I never cheated on anyone in my whole life, I'm the most honest person I know but just lost my way... Anyway that's all I'm saying...

[Josmatjes]

I agree with the hypocrisy.

 

If one is willing to turn their back on "proper" behaviour inside a marriage...how indignant can one actually feel about those types of actions/non-actions. Or do they only count if it is being done to oneself...not if we are the ones doing it?

 

Not to mention...does one go to the source of the "douchebaggery" for "closure", moving forward, dissecting? Or would one be better served going to a third party(IC) who has no horse in the race, or "fog goggles" on.

 

 

True! I didn't think of it ths way but you are right on...

[Josmatjes]

My head hurts trying to sort that out as here I was...always the good girl..the nice faithful loyal girl my whole life...yet fell into an EA so no physical cheating but still big time cheating...but in my mind because I valued him so much.

I wasnt found out nor was he..no Dday...but I had a loving husband...and I STILL strayed emotionally ONLY in my mind because I felt we BOTH valued eachother and could justify we weren't hurting anyone but the friendship just was deep...powerful...I seemed to not be less than but rather everything that seemed good to add to our lives.

Id never dream this amount of disrespect in his eyes would apply to me. His own happiness from our friendship seemed to totally rock his world. Its so weird. Everything you say is likely true but seems unimaginable. Like it couldnt be true.

I was always always monogamous...until him.

I will never do this again but God...Im not a horrible cheating trollup. Not just a number. Man! Men can be so cruel.

 

 

I agree w you, I'll never do this again and I don't consider myself a cheater. It was a deep friendship that added to our lives but I'm not sleeping around either...

[Popsicle]

I am like a man in this sense. I feel like goodbyes are just cumbersome. I didn't do it with xMM either. I don't think he liked it but oh well.

[nouedis]

People sometimes just don't care anymore so they can just walk away so easily after losing such certain things.

[Noideanow]

My xOM did this to me too, just stopped talking to me...not once, but twice. It was upsetting not only on its own but because it brought up feelings from many, many years ago. My best friend in college, who I thought of as a sister, did this to me. After graduation she abruptly and painfully ended our friendship by ignoring me. Nothing I did could get a response. I was hurt for years, decades.

 

When the stuff with xOM happened, again I thought, how can someone be like that? And I looked into it. And the thing is...it's an issue with them. Not me. Not you. There is nothing we can do to get an answer, get closure, make sense of it.

 

I discovered that the end with my friend, and xOM, will be a question in my life that will never be answered. Once I realized this, and accepted it, I let go all of all of that bothered me in relation those questions. And felt much much better.

 

So to answer your question...you will never know how they can just walk away. It is a question that will most likely never have an answer.

 

i my mind it makes completely sence that "xom" ignored you, after all you showed him you didnt want/love him by staying married? cant you see how your behaviour would make him feel?

[SycamoreCircle]

Get off the man tip---this is something both men and women do.

[Friskyone4u]

Josmartes

 

All the research say that men enter affairs primarily for sex and stay in them for sex , and when the sex ends men do normally not have the residual emotional baggage. That is not to say he did not care about you but women tend to transpose the way they think about the affair partner to the way they think , which is why you constantly see threads on here by women about how hard it is for them to stop "grieving "a their OM . Not too many threads on here about men miserable for months crying at home .

 

That does not make all men Neanderthal horrible people . There ARE differences to the thought processes of the two sexes .

 

Women in affairs with married men cannot accept in a lot of cases that they are really just a side piece and believe **** that is said to them because "your ''

MM is "different" and your relationship is "different" . Not the case

 

You seem to be doing well. Let the sleeping dog lie and stay positive and keep moving forward . And most important learn your lesson . Affairs normally do not end like a Hollywood romance

[sandylee1]

Having been in a normal relationship with a guy who didn't say goodbye I'd agree with DTK that guys don't do the emotional stuff. They don't seem to mind not having that closure and I used to find instead of ending relationships if they weren't interested, it was easier to just stop calling.

 

It's avoiding conflict and drama.

[Quiet Storm]

Their desire to avoid conflict and uncomfortable feelings is stronger than their need for closure.

 

They feel no loyalty or commitment to the OW, and don't want to feel responsible for her feelings. They don't want to deal with any negative emotions. Since they are good at compartmentalizing, they don't feel guilty or shameful about it.

 

The qualities that made him capable of cheating and allowed him to avoid his marriage issues & dodge the guilt he felt for cheating, are the same character traits that make it easy for him to walk away from the affair.

 

He has no driving need to resolve the affair or have closure, just like he had no driving need to resolve the problems in his marriage. He chooses the escape route instead.

[ladydesigner]

So here is my question. The only thing that truly bothers me is that we never said goodbye. I know that sounds nuts but it really bugs me. Anytime I tried to say goodbye he just would not say it. It was easier for him to just stop texting, answering, avoid me...whatever. I wonder why you would do that instead of just closing that chapter in your life, especially if you know that is what the other person needs.

I was w my xmm for a year and a half and it was very deep so that's why I'm curiou.

Btw I'm fine and I'm still nc, I was just wondering maybe from a mans perspective also why they do this.??

 

I know that my WH never wanted to be the bad guy so he would placate or disappear or not answer. Any way to avoid conflict of any kind. Maybe your MM is like this?

[Furious]

So here is my question. The only thing that truly bothers me is that we never said goodbye. I know that sounds nuts but it really bugs me. Anytime I tried to say goodbye he just would not say it. It was easier for him to just stop texting, answering, avoid me...whatever. I wonder why you would do that instead of just closing that chapter in your life, especially if you know that is what the other person needs.

I was w my xmm for a year and a half and it was very deep so that's why I'm curiou.

 

 

Btw I'm fine and I'm still nc, I was just wondering maybe from a mans perspective also why they do this.??

 

 

 

It's obvious you're not over it and I wonder if it's closure or a bruised ego that keeps you stuck. Does your husband know you want a proper goodbye, since you're looking for a mans perspective maybe you can ask your husband.

[Doublegold]

So many generalizations in this thread. Maybe it makes people feel better within thier own story to say someone was used for sex, not cared about etc. That Men think ONLY this way. Hogwash.

 

Not all MM/MW walk away from the AP. I personally know of countless couples together today who started out as Affairs. Most are married--some where outed and others left and the people in their world know them as singles who met cute. And that is the truth--I know this because we are part of an off shoot from a website that we met on while being in Affairs. Some left the Marriage, some were cheated on by the spouse and left--and are single and happy or have gone on to a new relationship.

 

Just keeping it real. I can see why those rebuilding need to diminish ALL affair's to 'just sex' or 'no investment' or whatever gets you through to the next day--but this is the Other Man/Other Woman part of Love Shack Forums and the generalizations are just that. Some do just walk away--from the M. And are very happy.

Edited July 23, 2015 by Doublegold

[Susmay]

So many generalizations in this thread. Maybe it makes people feel better within thier own story to say someone was used for sex, not cared about etc. That Men think ONLY this way. Hogwash.

 

Not all MM/MW walk away from the AP. I personally know of countless couples together today who started out as Affairs. Most are married--some where outed and others left and the people in their world know them as singles who met cute. And that is the truth--I know this because we are part of an off shoot from a website that we met on while being in Affairs. Some left the Marriage, some were cheated on by the spouse and left--and are single and happy or have gone on to a new relationship.

 

Just keeping it real. I can see why those rebuilding need to diminish ALL affair's to 'just sex' or 'no investment' or whatever gets you through to the next day--but this is the Other Man/Other Woman part of Love Shack Forums and the generalizations are just that. Some do just walk away--from the M. And are very happy.

\

The topic of this thread is "How do they walk away?" This is referring to the MM who walk away from the A and the OW with nary a backward glance. Naturally most people have addressed this topic, ie about the MMs who walk away.

 

 

The question wasn't about the APs who leave their marriages for the AP, which is what you seem to be addressing. You seem to need to criticise other posters for staying on topic when it is you who have changed the parameters.

[Doublegold]

I was addressing the ones who don't walk away so that is hardly off topic from those who do? Walk away or not, yes?

 

I don't choose to look into your past thread postings to create discord--yet you say I have a pattern.

 

Well isn't this the pot calling the kettle black, you posted this to this thread.

 

Yes I agree. But if you think this applies, why shouldn't the OW show respect to the BW even when she doesn't value her? It's obvious most OW don't show that respect to the BW, so it seems hypocritical to suggest that only the MM should be showing respect to both woman.

 

Have a nice night--I have too much respect for the moderators to engage you further.

[Josmatjes]

First I would like to address mothers not bringing their sons up the right way, truth is males outlook on relationships is shaped by his first several relationships not his mom. "DOGS" weren't raised dogs its really a self protect mode to keep from getting hurt.

 

Secondly, if you really think about it should you expect somewhat of a drop dead when your dealing with a married person? Bottomline is if you was what they REALLY wanted why are they still married. Yeah yeah its complicated, not really not. D-days are the perfect excuses, everyone knows.

 

Your wrong! Males relationships are based on how they are raised, how they see their dad act towards their mom and guidance from mom on how to treat people. It's basic nature vs nurture.

[Susmay]

I was addressing the ones who don't walk away so that is hardly off topic from those who do? Walk away or not, yes?

 

I don't choose to look into your past thread postings to create discord--yet you say I have a pattern.

 

Well isn't this the pot calling the kettle black, you posted this to this thread.

 

Yes I agree. But if you think this applies, why shouldn't the OW show respect to the BW even when she doesn't value her? It's obvious most OW don't show that respect to the BW, so it seems hypocritical to suggest that only the MM should be showing respect to both woman.

 

Have a nice night--I have too much respect for the moderators to engage you further.

 

Oh I was responding to someone else not introducing a new topic. And I haven't looked into your past posts for any reason, and certainly not to create discord, nor did I say you had a pattern. I was responding only to whatever you posted.

 

 

I'm sure you will have a nice night too. I'm in a different part of the world where it's lunchtime.