How do they just walk away?

[Hope Shimmers]

You are correct hopeshimmers, as i recall you're going thru that currently with the gent from your past, so maybe you can be of good advisal how your saying goodbye to your fellow?

 

We talked it out. I told him I needed to move forward and could not do that with him still popping into my life all the time. He agreed. Not that he’s been sticking to that agreement, but whatever. He's one of those men (are all men like this?) who do pretty much what they want to do, when they want to do it, regardless of what I say.

 

I think it is less about really needing to hear ‘goodbye’ or ‘get closure’ and more about being left to think that none of it mattered. That YOU never mattered. It’s so hard when you love someone to have to accept that it wasn’t real; that none of it mattered to him, and it was just so easy for him to turn the other way after D-Day (or whatever instigated the breakup) and just go right on with his life as if nothing they ever said meant a damn thing. I may be wrong, but I think that may be what Jos is getting at.

 

I have a really special friend who was in a long-term physical and emotional affair that lasted for years and her ex-MM was clearly very emotionally invested (as was she). Then D-day came and he suddenly became a drastically different person. He literally went from talking about how much he loved her, wanted to leave his marriage and be with her, etc to telling her that he was ending it, and not telling her in a nice way. All within a few hours. He told her too that he was taking his wife instead of her to a trip they (my friend and this man) had planned to take together in the next couple of weeks.

 

So technically he said goodbye. But she is left baffled, wondering what was true and what was a lie for all those years. I personally believe that he did that abrupt cruel thing because he needed to - so that she would move on because he wouldn't be strong enough to go through with it otherwise, and because he had to convince himself that’s how he actually felt. But she is left thinking that maybe none of it mattered to him at all. THAT’s what is hard to accept.

 

If you can't trust your own judgement and believe in people, what is there left, really?

 

Non-affair relationships just don’t end that way. At least mine never have. It was so much easier to move on because one person or the other (usually both) want to end the relationship.

Edited July 24, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[Josmatjes]

We talked it out. I told him I needed to move forward and could not do that with him still popping into my life all the time. He agreed. Not that he’s been sticking to that agreement, but whatever. He's one of those men (are all men like this?) who do pretty much what they want to do, when they want to do it, regardless of what I say.

 

I think it is less about really needing to hear ‘goodbye’ or ‘get closure’ and more about being left to think that none of it mattered. That YOU never mattered. It’s so hard when you love someone to have to accept that it wasn’t real; that none of it mattered to him, and it was just so easy for him to turn the other way after D-Day (or whatever instigated the breakup) and just go right on with his life as if nothing they ever said meant a damn thing. I may be wrong, but I think that may be what Jos is getting at.

 

I have a really special friend who was in a long-term physical and emotional affair that lasted for years and her ex-MM was clearly very emotionally invested (as was she). Then D-day came and he suddenly became a drastically different person. He literally went from talking about how much he loved her, wanted to leave his marriage and be with her, etc to telling her that he was ending it, and not telling her in a nice way. All within a few hours. He told her too that he was taking his wife instead of her to a trip they (my friend and this man) had planned to take together in the next couple of weeks.

 

So technically he said goodbye. But she is left baffled, wondering what was true and what was a lie for all those years. I personally believe that he did that abrupt cruel thing because he needed to - so that she would move on because he wouldn't be strong enough to go through with it otherwise, and because he had to convince himself that’s how he actually felt. But she is left thinking that maybe none of it mattered to him at all. THAT’s what is hard to accept.

 

If you can't trust your own judgement and believe in people, what is there left, really?

 

Non-affair relationships just don’t end that way. At least mine never have. It was so much easier to move on because one person or the other (usually both) want to end the relationship.

 

 

This is exactly what I meant, thank you hope!

 

The words, the promises ...everything. Was any of it real or true? And I know their are posters on here who say it doesn't matter but it does. Because I question my judgement and truthfully I dont trust anyone anymore! It's a hard pill to swallow.

 

I wonder was it easy for him to walk away because he doesn't care? Or did he walk away because he does? And I know that I'll never know the answers to these questions and either way is a crappy thing to do to someone, but I still would of liked some form of words, but that's just me...

[gettingstronger]

This is exactly what I meant, thank you hope!

 

The words, the promises ...everything. Was any of it real or true? And I know their are posters on here who say it doesn't matter but it does. Because I question my judgement and truthfully I dont trust anyone anymore! It's a hard pill to swallow.

 

I wonder was it easy for him to walk away because he doesn't care? Or did he walk away because he does? And I know that I'll never know the answers to these questions and either way is a crappy thing to do to someone, but I still would of liked some form of words, but that's just me...

 

 

What was your arrangement- did you all talk about the end- what kind of vibe did you give him- does he have reason to believe that you were just in it for what it was and nothing more- like I said in my post- our OW had said what they had was fine, she knew he was never going to leave and she was not going to either- she claimed to want a drama free, no strings attached thing- she led him to believe that walking away without any closure would be fine-

[Mycatsnuggles]

We talked about the ending a lot. I think we both feared it. Afraid the other would simply disappear without a goodbye, just vanish, stop responding. That did not happen.

 

I asked for a final meeting, he said no he couldn't look into my eyes as I said goodbye, he would take the memory of our last time together over that finale image, anything I had to say I could email to him.

 

He was right. I could never end it with seeing him. Fast and swift, cut it off let it hurt so I can mourn you and move on.

 

I think anyone in a long term affair knows it's impossible to end without hurt. I know him. I feared him leaving without a goodbye but that's not his nature. If you had a relationship of any length I think you would know the "why" they walked away. For your protection? To save the marriage? Didn't want to end but knew it had to? Just was done and didn't care? Sometimes ending is the right thing to do, even when you don't want it to be over and the only way to stop is just that, stop.

[Owl6118]

The words, the promises ...everything. Was any of it real or true? And I know their are posters on here who say it doesn't matter but it does. Because I question my judgement and truthfully I dont trust anyone anymore! It's a hard pill to swallow.

 

Here's the thing, though.

 

There is one thing you know with certainty if you knowingly enter into an affair: you are starting a relationship with someone who has both the ability and the will to deceive and to compartmentalize. Deception, I add, includes first and foremost self-deception as well as deception of others.

 

Affairs are braided out of self-deception and other-deception on the part of the committed partner. That deception is there from the beginning.

 

It is the one thing you know to be Absolutely True, right?--someone is being deceived.

 

So at the end, you ask what is truth?

 

I would say this: that during the affair the committed partner compartmentalizes and deceives him or her self, and others, by maintaining irreconcilable things to be small-t true. And at the time they may have be small-t true, at the moment, each in its proper compartment.

 

But if so they are small t truths, not capital T truths that need no compartment and can walk in the sunshine.

 

If there is a DDay, the committed partner choses a Truth out of the thicket of irreconcilable little small-t truths to make his or her new declared, uncompartmented Truth. Until that moment the committed partner in the affair may even know which he or she will chose. But of all the compartmented small-t truths of the affair, some survive as Truth, and others become forever small-t truths now reveled as lies.

 

So really, the answer to your question is, I suspect, they were as small-t true as anything in their compartments, during the affair. But it's exactly like Scroedinger's Cat. Until the affair collapses, the things the committed affair partner says are smalk-t true in their compartment, but neither you nor he/she know if they are capital T True. Its DDay that opens the box and tells you if the cat was alive or dead, small-t "true" or True.

 

And, since you were also a committed partner, all the same applies to you. I think in your case, DDay came and you found the small-t truths your told AP were your True and the small-t truths you tell you husband were the lies. For him, the opposite.

 

Your respective post-DDay choices make it so.

Edited July 24, 2015 by Owl6118

[C2681]

This is exactly what I meant, thank you hope!

 

The words, the promises ...everything. Was any of it real or true? And I know their are posters on here who say it doesn't matter but it does. Because I question my judgement and truthfully I dont trust anyone anymore! It's a hard pill to swallow.

 

I wonder was it easy for him to walk away because he doesn't care? Or did he walk away because he does? And I know that I'll never know the answers to these questions and either way is a crappy thing to do to someone, but I still would of liked some form of words, but that's just me...

 

I'm sorry you are questioning everything right now. I think even if you heard it you would question it as well. How can you believe anything he told you now? I do think it's ok that it matters to you, because my assumption is that you are struggling with the abandonment of MM and wondering about why it was so easy for him to just throw you aside. There is nothing wrong in what you are feeling if that is the case.

I was just told by my AP that while we can't be with me and has to stay away it doesn't mean he doesn't miss me or care about me. I think that hurts even more than if he had said he hated me like I thought he did for so long. Maybe it's a good thing that he didn't tell you so you can move forward? Do you want him to tell you that he still loves/misses you? Do you think you would be able to continue on your path of moving forward if he was still feeling that way towards you?

 

Hugs and don't think that what you are trying to process and your hurt is wrong.

[jbrent890]

Your wrong! Males relationships are based on how they are raised, how they see their dad act towards their mom and guidance from mom on how to treat people. It's basic nature vs nurture.

 

I hate to play devils advocate, but you are both right. A lot of men are taught from a very young age to treat women with respect. However, they also learn at very young age that being nice and doing respectful things doesn't necessarily get you anywhere with a lot women. Just to use me as an example, in high school, whenever I encountered a girl I really liked, I was as nice and respectful as they come. All that got me was being put in the friend zone. And these were women I seriously liked and wanted to date, not women that I just wanted to screw. In college I completely changed how I approached women. I treated them like crap and found far more success in dating and sex. However, when I met my wife in grad school, I could not help being that person I was in high school. Something she states she never truly experienced before with a man. So you can see how it goes full circle for some people. For others, they just keep a hole persona going on. And then you have the chosen few who were just a holes to begin with. The beauty of this world is that there are different types of people in it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

This is exactly what I meant, thank you hope!

 

The words, the promises ...everything. Was any of it real or true? And I know their are posters on here who say it doesn't matter but it does. Because I question my judgement and truthfully I dont trust anyone anymore! It's a hard pill to swallow.

 

I wonder was it easy for him to walk away because he doesn't care? Or did he walk away because he does? And I know that I'll never know the answers to these questions and either way is a crappy thing to do to someone, but I still would of liked some form of words, but that's just me...

 

It seems many WW/FWW struggle with this. Is it because men (generally) can accept being wrong or "not winning" more easily than women?

 

As far as questioning your judgement....I certainly hope you are. It shouldn't have mattered how he felt or even if you yourself no longer loved your husband. You were disrespectful/hurtful to another. Your loyalty to your integrity/self-respect didn't kick in.....why?

 

Trust in others? I find that odd..that you are starting there....as that is not your most pressing issue. Trust in yourself...is where your work lies. You let yourself down. You opened yourself up...to be tore down. You handed over the keys to your character (view of self) to someone/thing...that you KNOW would be judge negatively.

 

I believe that many WW/FWW need for the affair to have meant something greater than what it was to justify their actions. They want to hang their hat on that...because it is simple and doesn't require any painful self reflection/self truths.

 

Walking away a crappy thing to do....see how you focus on his actions...not your own. Why not focus on your actions towards your husband...for the word is much stronger than crappy for what your husband has experienced.

 

It isn't easy to look at oneself and not like what they see. It is hard to be brutally honest with ourselves concerning our actions. It is even harder to take responsibility and make the changes. It takes years to form new habits/views/thought processes. The work is worth it.

 

Those that do the work...are forever changed...it is like they can not unknow themselves or how they tick afterwards. They see things a mile out. There is a calmness about them....their ship is steady.

 

Your need for answers...is good. You just need to keep the focus on you. That is where it matters.

[gettingstronger]

We talked about the ending a lot. I think we both feared it. Afraid the other would simply disappear without a goodbye, just vanish, stop responding. That did not happen.

 

I asked for a final meeting, he said no he couldn't look into my eyes as I said goodbye, he would take the memory of our last time together over that finale image, anything I had to say I could email to him.

 

He was right. I could never end it with seeing him. Fast and swift, cut it off let it hurt so I can mourn you and move on.

 

I think anyone in a long term affair knows it's impossible to end without hurt. I know him. I feared him leaving without a goodbye but that's not his nature. If you had a relationship of any length I think you would know the "why" they walked away. For your protection? To save the marriage? Didn't want to end but knew it had to? Just was done and didn't care? Sometimes ending is the right thing to do, even when you don't want it to be over and the only way to stop is just that, stop.

 

 

 

This was a wise approach- not only talking about it- but talking about it honestly- I think lots of us in lots of aspects of our lives say what we think the other person wants to hear and then we regret it later-

[jbrent890]

It seems many WW/FWW struggle with this. Is it because men (generally) can accept being wrong or "not winning" more easily than women?

 

As far as questioning your judgement....I certainly hope you are. It shouldn't have mattered how he felt or even if you yourself no longer loved your husband. You were disrespectful/hurtful to another. Your loyalty to your integrity/self-respect didn't kick in.....why?

 

Trust in others? I find that odd..that you are starting there....as that is not your most pressing issue. Trust in yourself...is where your work lies. You let yourself down. You opened yourself up...to be tore down. You handed over the keys to your character (view of self) to someone/thing...that you KNOW would be judge negatively.

 

I believe that many WW/FWW need for the affair to have meant something greater than what it was to justify their actions. They want to hang their hat on that...because it is simple and doesn't require any painful self reflection/self truths.

 

Walking away a crappy thing to do....see how you focus on his actions...not your own. Why not focus on your actions towards your husband...for the word is much stronger than crappy for what your husband has experienced.

 

It isn't easy to look at oneself and not like what they see. It is hard to be brutally honest with ourselves concerning our actions. It is even harder to take responsibility and make the changes. It takes years to form new habits/views/thought processes. The work is worth it.

 

Those that do the work...are forever changed...it is like they can not unknow themselves or how they tick afterwards. They see things a mile out. There is a calmness about them....their ship is steady.

 

Your need for answers...is good. You just need to keep the focus on you. That is where it matters.

 

Awesome post.

[NewLeaf512]

Generally men learn how to pick up their ball and go home. It isn't anymore complicated than that.

 

Why do women feel that men must play by their rules? Why what they feel is the "proper" way to handle goodbye trumps what a man feels is a "proper" goodbye?

 

I read so often women calling the FMM a coward...in every regard. A coward for not divorcing, a coward for no longer engaging the affair, a coward for this/that. I wonder how often it isn't so much that the MM/FMM is a coward but that he didn't provide the outcome that the woman wanted. That that is the real issue.

 

I prefer the word liar

[the_artist_1970]

And another thing....whether you value that person or not you should respect them...it's totally a selfish move to say...oh yeah I didn't say goodbye cause I didnt value her..... Boy, I hope you have daughters.....

 

The same can be said about a woman who knowingly sleeps with a MM. You don't respect the marriage vows of two ppl. No, the M person doesn't respect his/her vows when they cheat, but the AP doesn't as well. That doesn't show that you are a nice person either. And what do your children think about marriage since their mother is knowingly partaking in sleeping with a MM? Just some food for thought. Cheater are not "acting nice" (AP nor the MM/MW) they are all deceiving innocent ppl. As far as why they walk away. A MM/MW has an entire life outside of the small A bubble, once they re-engage in their real life their is no room for a third party. People end deceitful, hidden relationships in different ways.

[MyNameIsNotSusan]

How do they just walk away? The only thing I can think of, is they arent as emotionally invested, if they were, they couldn't walk away so easily.

[NewLeaf512]

This is exactly what I meant, thank you hope!

 

The words, the promises ...everything. Was any of it real or true? And I know their are posters on here who say it doesn't matter but it does. Because I question my judgement and truthfully I dont trust anyone anymore! It's a hard pill to swallow.

 

I wonder was it easy for him to walk away because he doesn't care? Or did he walk away because he does? And I know that I'll never know the answers to these questions and either way is a crappy thing to do to someone, but I still would of liked some form of words, but that's just me...

 

 

I understand this: I questioned if anything was real. It wasn't.

 

 

my exMM cut me completely off minutes after he supposedly told his wife. It was the best thing to have happened to me. We were rowing often and I had started to see the real him. Because of my low self esteem I probably would have let it drag on. Of course it was bewildering and confusing and upsetting the first few days. But, I can now lead an authentic life where I value myself, and create a life for myself that doesn't include checking my phone every hour in case exMM sent me a message crumb.

 

 

I faced the reality that if exMM had wanted to be with me he would have. ExMM didn't. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

[minimariah]

I was addressing the ones who don't walk away so that is hardly off topic from those who do? Walk away or not, yes?

 

the thread is about those MMs who DO walk away from their APs & the OP wants to understand a little better just HOW & WHY do they walk away (seemingly) without many emotions... with abrupt silence.

 

so you're, in fact -- completely off topic. not to mention how writing about "countless" success stories (you know about) on a thread like this is probably like rubbing salt in the OP's open wound.

 

And I know that I'll never know the answers to these questions and either way is a crappy thing to do to someone, but I still would of liked some form of words, but that's just me...

 

i'm not a MM but i can offer you some of the MM's thoughts (who is a dear friend of mine) & who is going through the process of separating from his OW & turning back to his marriage.

 

according to him -- his feelings for the OW were VERY REAL. emotions were strong, the love he felt & still feels for her was and is real and true, the words did mean something & he had always hoped that he would actually keep his promises to her. however... life happened. and between the OW & his children (even if it sounds like the biggest and oldest excuse in the book) -- he decided to put his children's needs 1st.

 

he left in the same manner your lover did -- with a straight NC. why...? because everything else would have been too hard for him. because the NC is the only way to actually leave someone you love & someone you really DON't want to leave. there is no nice & polite, neat break up when leaving someone you love.

 

this MM is going through HELL right now. he is suffering very, very much. he, at the end of the day, loves his OW & it's hard on him to be away from her. it's hard letting her go... but on the outside? when you see that man...? you would have never guessed what goes on in his heart. he lets it all out & cries like a baby, in pure grief and despair 3 times a week for an hour -- in therapy. for every other day of his life, he puts up a mask & tries to move on as best as he possibly can. i'm sure his OW thinks that leaving, for him, was the easiest thing ever. i'm sure she feels used & feels like everything was a lie, too. but for HIM -- it was very, very real.

 

so... in my humble opinion, those feelings were probably real. what had happened? who knows. something did that made him cut contact & turn to his family. maybe he really does not give a sh*t -- maybe he suffers just like my friend does. sweetheart... you choose to think what will help you survive. if it feels better to know that he suffers & did feel something? think that. if it helps you more to think that everything was just some meaningless sex? than stick with that. fake it until you make it - you find what works for you and your healing & you decide to stick with it. and trust me, with time... you'll move more and more away... until one day the truth stops being relevant - because you're over it.

 

best of luck to you.

Edited July 24, 2015 by minimariah

[AlwaysGrowing]

I understand this: I questioned if anything was real. It wasn't.

 

 

my exMM cut me completely off minutes after he supposedly told his wife. It was the best thing to have happened to me. We were rowing often and I had started to see the real him. Because of my low self esteem I probably would have let it drag on. Of course it was bewildering and confusing and upsetting the first few days. But, I can now lead an authentic life where I value myself, and create a life for myself that doesn't include checking my phone every hour in case exMM sent me a message crumb.

 

 

I faced the reality that if exMM had wanted to be with me he would have. ExMM didn't. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

 

 

It isn't important if the "real" him was ever present during the affair.

 

It is important why the "real" you wasn't.

 

Working on self-esteem alone is difficult. Working on self-respect...defining who we want to be...and working to establish that within ourselves...automatically gives one self-esteem.

 

Once we like/know who we are.....others can't take that from us. Or more accurately...we don't hand it over.

[the_artist_1970]

the thread is about those MMs who DO walk away from their APs & the OP wants to understand a little better just HOW & WHY do they walk away (seemingly) without many emotions... with abrupt silence.

 

so you're, in fact -- completely off topic. not to mention how writing about "countless" success stories (you know about) on a thread like this is probably like rubbing salt in the OP's open wound.

 

 

 

i'm not a MM but i can offer you some of the MM's thoughts (who is a dear friend of mine) & who is going through the process of separating from his OW & turning back to his marriage.

 

according to him -- his feelings for the OW were VERY REAL. emotions were strong, the love he felt & still feels for her was and is real and true, the words did mean something & he had always hoped that he would actually keep his promises to her. however... life happened. and between the OW & his children (even if it sounds like the biggest and oldest excuse in the book) -- he decided to put his children's needs 1st.

 

he left in the same manner your lover did -- with a straight NC. why...? because everything else would have been too hard for him. because the NC is the only way to actually leave someone you love & someone you really DON't want to leave. there is no nice & polite, neat break up when leaving someone you love.

 

this MM is going through HELL right now. he is suffering very, very much. he, at the end of the day, loves his OW & it's hard on him to be away from her. it's hard letting her go... but on the outside? when you see that man...? you would have never guessed what goes on in his heart. he lets it all out & cries like a baby, in pure grief and despair 3 times a week for an hour -- in therapy. for every other day of his life, he puts up a mask & tries to move on as best as he possibly can. i'm sure his OW thinks that leaving, for him, was the easiest thing ever. i'm sure she feels used & feels like everything was a lie, too. but for HIM -- it was very, very real.

 

so... in my humble opinion, those feelings were probably real. what had happened? who knows. something did that made him cut contact & turn to his family. maybe he really does not give a sh*t -- maybe he suffers just like my friend does. sweetheart... you choose to think what will help you survive. if it feels better to know that he suffers & did feel something? think that. if it helps you more to think that everything was just some meaningless sex? than stick with that. fake it until you make it - you find what works for you and your healing & you decide to stick with it. and trust me, with time... you'll move more and more away... until one day the truth stops being relevant - because you're over it.

 

best of luck to you.

 

So a man is telling another woman outside of his M that he is crying in the shower and breaking down over another OW? Not only does he cheat on his W, he tells female friends his personal business. This guy has issues way beyond having an A and losing his OW. SMH

[gettingstronger]

So a man is telling another woman outside of his M that he is crying in the shower and breaking down over another OW? Not only does he cheat on his W, he tells female friends his personal business. This guy has issues way beyond having an A and losing his OW. SMH

 

 

 

I am not following this either- why does he share this with a friend but not with his wife or OW-

[minimariah]

I am not following this either- why does he share this with a friend but not with his wife or OW-

 

are you serious...?

 

because the W doesn't know about the affair & even she did, why would he share his grief and devastation over his relationship with someone else with her...? that's a little cruel, even more cruel than having an affair itself... don't you think? and he broke up with the OW, he is NC. why would he share it with HER if he wants to break up the relationship and focus on his marriage? which part exactly are you not following...?

 

who else should he turn to if not his friend? there is nothing weird about a MM confiding and sharing with a friend when he can't with the W since he doesn't want to come clean & he has his reasons for doing so.

Edited July 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Troll callout~T

[Doublegold]

so you're, in fact -- completely off topic. not to mention how writing about "countless" success stories (you know about) on a thread like this is probably like rubbing salt in the OP's open wound.

 

Mini I had no intention to rub salt in an open wound--I also am sorry for going "off topic" --I generally don't like generalizations BUT should of stuck to the topic at hand.

 

All apologies to the posters and carry on!

[AlwaysGrowing]

are you serious...?

 

are you serious...?

 

because the W doesn't know about the affair & even she did, why would he share his grief and devastation over his relationship with someone else with her...? that's a little cruel, even more cruel than having an affair itself... don't you think? and he broke up with the OW, he is NC. why would he share it with HER if he wants to break up the relationship and focus on his marriage? which part exactly are you not following...?

 

who else should he turn to if not his friend? there is nothing weird about a MM confiding and sharing with a friend when he can't with the W since he doesn't want to come clean & he has his reasons for doing so.

 

 

 

Feelings are not static nor are they always based on the truth.

 

Suggesting that one should believe whatever makes them feel better never addresses the core issue/s. It sets them up for failure. One needs to understand how they tick and why. Where does the need for validation from others come from...where is it rooted? How do we remove those roots? What new skills should we plant and nurture?

 

Growth comes from self-analyzing....not trying to analyze someone else. We are not them, we have no real "truths" there...only our perceptions, no control in the outcome. It is a fools errand.

Edited July 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to edited post ~T

[Josmatjes]

the thread is about those MMs who DO walk away from their APs & the OP wants to understand a little better just HOW & WHY do they walk away (seemingly) without many emotions... with abrupt silence.

 

so you're, in fact -- completely off topic. not to mention how writing about "countless" success stories (you know about) on a thread like this is probably like rubbing salt in the OP's open wound.

 

 

 

i'm not a MM but i can offer you some of the MM's thoughts (who is a dear friend of mine) & who is going through the process of separating from his OW & turning back to his marriage.

 

according to him -- his feelings for the OW were VERY REAL. emotions were strong, the love he felt & still feels for her was and is real and true, the words did mean something & he had always hoped that he would actually keep his promises to her. however... life happened. and between the OW & his children (even if it sounds like the biggest and oldest excuse in the book) -- he decided to put his children's needs 1st.

 

he left in the same manner your lover did -- with a straight NC. why...? because everything else would have been too hard for him. because the NC is the only way to actually leave someone you love & someone you really DON't want to leave. there is no nice & polite, neat break up when leaving someone you love.

 

this MM is going through HELL right now. he is suffering very, very much. he, at the end of the day, loves his OW & it's hard on him to be away from her. it's hard letting her go... but on the outside? when you see that man...? you would have never guessed what goes on in his heart. he lets it all out & cries like a baby, in pure grief and despair 3 times a week for an hour -- in therapy. for every other day of his life, he puts up a mask & tries to move on as best as he possibly can. i'm sure his OW thinks that leaving, for him, was the easiest thing ever. i'm sure she feels used & feels like everything was a lie, too. but for HIM -- it was very, very real.

 

so... in my humble opinion, those feelings were probably real. what had happened? who knows. something did that made him cut contact & turn to his family. maybe he really does not give a sh*t -- maybe he suffers just like my friend does. sweetheart... you choose to think what will help you survive. if it feels better to know that he suffers & did feel something? think that. if it helps you more to think that everything was just some meaningless sex? than stick with that. fake it until you make it - you find what works for you and your healing & you decide to stick with it. and trust me, with time... you'll move more and more away... until one day the truth stops being relevant - because you're over it.

 

best of luck to you.

 

We had texted on and off the past year. It was always hard. He told me he doesn't call or text anymore because he doesn't want to know what's going on with me. He also said for me to never think its easy for him to stay away. He told me that he stays away for himself and for me so that it's easier on us both to move on.

[Josmatjes]

are you serious...?

 

because the W doesn't know about the affair & even she did, why would he share his grief and devastation over his relationship with someone else with her...? that's a little cruel, even more cruel than having an affair itself... don't you think? and he broke up with the OW, he is NC. why would he share it with HER if he wants to break up the relationship and focus on his marriage? which part exactly are you not following...?

 

who else should he turn to if not his friend? there is nothing weird about a MM confiding and sharing with a friend when he can't with the W since he doesn't want to come clean & he has his reasons for doing so.

My husband knows about my affair but he doesn't knw what a struggle it's been for me to find myself again. I'm not going to lie, I still miss xmm but I also know how unhealthy it all was...so I'm trying to work on my marriage and it's not easy...

Edited July 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to edited post~T

[minimariah]

Therapists are not supposed to become friends with their clients.

 

Not to mention a therapists giving full weight to feelings that are being worked on as absolute truths written in stone.

 

this is HEAVY offtopic & some massive assumptions (wrong ones) & i'm not going to entertain it. feel free to PM me if you want to discuss it further though.

 

Feelings are not static nor are they always based on the truth.

(...)

Suggesting that one should believe whatever makes them feel better never addresses the core issue/s. It sets them up for failure.

(...)

Growth comes from self-analyzing....not trying to analyze someone else.

 

just for the OP in case she reads this --

none of this is true.

[minimariah]

...so I'm trying to work on my marrage and it's not easy...

 

it's not easy but hey - you're working on it and you're trying. keep doing that, it takes time. just stay focused on your marriage & keep trying to deepen the bond with your H. you'll struggle from time to time, it's only natural.

 

He also said for me to never think its easy for him to stay away. He told me that he stays away for himself and for me so that it's easier on us both to move on.

 

& this is probably true. i mean, not every MM is a S.O.B. without a heart who uses the OW as some kind of toy & feels nothing when they separate. like, they have feelings & they hurt as much as their lover. but he made his choice and is sticking with it.