How do they just walk away?

[gettingstronger]

are you serious...?

 

because the W doesn't know about the affair & even she did, why would he share his grief and devastation over his relationship with someone else with her...? that's a little cruel, even more cruel than having an affair itself... don't you think? and he broke up with the OW, he is NC. why would he share it with HER if he wants to break up the relationship and focus on his marriage? which part exactly are you not following...?

 

who else should he turn to if not his friend? there is nothing weird about a MM confiding and sharing with a friend when he can't with the W since he doesn't want to come clean & he has his reasons for doing so.

 

 

I was completely serious and I am still confused- as a friend why wouldn't he be encouraged to share these feelings either with his wife in the interest of honesty in repairing the marriage or the OW to relieve not only his worry about her or her own-I mean if a guy cries his eyes out three times a week over a situation shouldn't he be guided towards resolving that with the people that he is so distraught over-

As you can see from this thread, these women are in pain too- why wouldn't he be encouraged to relieve that with a simple goodbye and/or explanation- I don't understand the logic in it at all-

Edited July 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to edited post~T

[minimariah]

....as a friend why wouldn't he be encouraged to share these feelings either with his wife in the interest of honesty in repairing the marriage...

 

because (from my previous post) --

 

...he can't with the W since he doesn't want to come clean & he has his reasons for doing so.

 

or the OW to relieve not only his worry about her or her own (...) why wouldn't he be encouraged to relieve that with a simple goodbye and/or explanation-

 

because (again, from my previous post) --

 

he left in the same manner your lover did -- with a straight NC. why...? because everything else would have been too hard for him. because the NC is the only way to actually leave someone you love & someone you really DON't want to leave. there is no nice & polite, neat break up when leaving someone you love.

 

I don't understand the logic in it at all-

 

i'm honestly baffled.

Edited July 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[gettingstronger]

because (from my previous post) --

 

 

 

 

 

because (again, from my previous post) --

 

 

 

 

 

i'm honestly baffled.

 

 

I guess because my experience with therapy is to face down our issues no matter how uncomfortable they are. I wouldn't want to spend hours crying in a therapists office just to have a place to cry.

Edited July 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Southern Sun]

We had texted on and off the past year. It was always hard. He told me he doesn't call or text anymore because he doesn't want to know what's going on with me. He also said for me to never think its easy for him to stay away. He told me that he stays away for himself and for me so that it's easier on us both to move on.

 

So you had ongoing communication, but still no closure. I had lots and lots of words from my xMM, but no real answers. Endings are hard. Things don't come in nice, neat packages. Sometimes you can talk things to death but there is still no "final" goodbye. Affairs aren't like normal relationships. Maybe (and I can relate) just pulling the plug and going NC feels like the only possible choice.

[minimariah]

I guess because my experience with therapy is to face down our issues no matter how uncomfortable they are.

 

you can face your issues in more ways than just one.

 

I wouldn't want to spend hours crying in a therapists office just to have a place to cry.

 

what makes you think that this person spends hours crying in a therapist's office (?!) just to have a place to cry...? you don't cry when you're devastated, sad & feeling desperate...?

Edited July 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Furious]

So here is my question. The only thing that truly bothers me is that we never said goodbye. I know that sounds nuts but it really bugs me. Anytime I tried to say goodbye he just would not say it. It was easier for him to just stop texting, answering, avoid me...whatever. I wonder why you would do that instead of just closing that chapter in your life, especially if you know that is what the other person needs.

I was w my xmm for a year and a half and it was very deep so that's why I'm curiou.

Btw I'm fine and I'm still nc, I was just wondering maybe from a mans perspective also why they do this.??

 

After reading your back story you've said this MM is a serial cheater. I guess you have your answer right there.

[Hope Shimmers]

It seems many WW/FWW struggle with this. Is it because men (generally) can accept being wrong or "not winning" more easily than women?

 

As far as questioning your judgement....I certainly hope you are. It shouldn't have mattered how he felt or even if you yourself no longer loved your husband. You were disrespectful/hurtful to another. Your loyalty to your integrity/self-respect didn't kick in.....why?

 

Trust in others? I find that odd..that you are starting there....as that is not your most pressing issue. Trust in yourself...is where your work lies. You let yourself down. You opened yourself up...to be tore down. You handed over the keys to your character (view of self) to someone/thing...that you KNOW would be judge negatively.

 

I believe that many WW/FWW need for the affair to have meant something greater than what it was to justify their actions. They want to hang their hat on that...because it is simple and doesn't require any painful self reflection/self truths.

 

Walking away a crappy thing to do....see how you focus on his actions...not your own. Why not focus on your actions towards your husband...for the word is much stronger than crappy for what your husband has experienced.

 

It isn't easy to look at oneself and not like what they see. It is hard to be brutally honest with ourselves concerning our actions. It is even harder to take responsibility and make the changes. It takes years to form new habits/views/thought processes. The work is worth it.

 

Those that do the work...are forever changed...it is like they can not unknow themselves or how they tick afterwards. They see things a mile out. There is a calmness about them....their ship is steady.

 

Your need for answers...is good. You just need to keep the focus on you. That is where it matters.

 

This is all well and good. Textbook-perfect, in fact. And I agree that the real issue is focusing inward and working on yourself so that you don't make the same mistakes again. I am certainly doing that, and I believe Jos is too.

 

But part of learning to trust YOURSELF is understanding why you were vulnerable to certain people - why you trusted and believed them. Were they honestly not trustworthy? And if that was the case, then how do I go about learning to trust my own instincts in the future? Because to be honest, right now (at least in my case) I don't know if I trusted people that lied to me, or it if was just the situation.

 

I don't believe that every person who enters into an affair situation is an evil, manipulative liar incapable of feeling emotions. Just as if it were any other relationship that ended on a very confusing and abrupt note, the goal is to build and grow from the experience and make better decisions and choices the next time around. Next time around any relationship I enter into won't be an affair. Where I still struggle is being able to trust myself, my gut and my instincts and opening up to someone ever again. That is part of learning about yourself - a very important part.

[gettingstronger]

Honestly, at the end of the day I go back to men process differently than women. Don't let it hurt you too much. It's probably not personal and certainly not a reflection of your worth as a person. Sounds silly, but sometimes I have to have my husband interpret my own sons for me because I have trouble figuring them out. He gets them, I don't.

[minimariah]

Don't let it hurt you too much. It's probably not personal...

 

how can a BREAK UP of an intimate relationship NOT be personal?

[AlwaysGrowing]

This is all well and good. Textbook-perfect, in fact. And I agree that the real issue is focusing inward and working on yourself so that you don't make the same mistakes again. I am certainly doing that, and I believe Jos is too.

 

But part of learning to trust YOURSELF is understanding why you were vulnerable to certain people - why you trusted and believed them. Were they honestly not trustworthy? And if that was the case, then how do I go about learning to trust my own instincts in the future? Because to be honest, right now (at least in my case) I don't know if I trusted people that lied to me, or it if was just the situation.

 

I don't believe that every person who enters into an affair situation is an evil, manipulative liar incapable of feeling emotions. Just as if it were any other relationship that ended on a very confusing and abrupt note, the goal is to build and grow from the experience and make better decisions and choices the next time around. Next time around any relationship I enter into won't be an affair. Where I still struggle is being able to trust myself, my gut and my instincts and opening up to someone ever again. That is part of learning about yourself - a very important part.

 

 

I also do not believe that they are evil...etc.

 

Often, there is something deeper that is being fed, re-lived...trying to change something in the past.

 

We have to know ourselves to be able to trust ourselves.

 

We all have flaws/vulnerabilities...it is our job to acknowledge them and shore those areas up. If it means we require more from ourselves or potential partners...then that is what is required to protect self.

 

I believe that affairs are a betrayal of self first. We didn't have our own back. Why would one expect someone else (AP/WS) should have?

 

I absolute agree Jos is looking to move forward. By continuing to look at his actions/in-actions...it does not address her truth....that she is free to move on and become whomever she damn well feels like....that her future is forward, not back. That freeing herself from how she felt/might have felt/still feels....stops the second she gifts herself her total focus, energy, understanding, acceptance, work, love.

[gettingstronger]

how can a BREAK UP of an intimate relationship NOT be personal?

 

 

 

She shouldn't take his actions personally. It would probably be helpful to the flow of this thread to take things in context and for the help of the OP rather then trying to one up or start drama where there isn't any.

[Southern Sun]

This is all well and good. Textbook-perfect, in fact. And I agree that the real issue is focusing inward and working on yourself so that you don't make the same mistakes again. I am certainly doing that, and I believe Jos is too.

 

But part of learning to trust YOURSELF is understanding why you were vulnerable to certain people - why you trusted and believed them. Were they honestly not trustworthy? And if that was the case, then how do I go about learning to trust my own instincts in the future? Because to be honest, right now (at least in my case) I don't know if I trusted people that lied to me, or it if was just the situation.

 

I don't believe that every person who enters into an affair situation is an evil, manipulative liar incapable of feeling emotions. Just as if it were any other relationship that ended on a very confusing and abrupt note, the goal is to build and grow from the experience and make better decisions and choices the next time around. Next time around any relationship I enter into won't be an affair. Where I still struggle is being able to trust myself, my gut and my instincts and opening up to someone ever again. That is part of learning about yourself - a very important part.

 

I think this actually gets to the heart of the matter.

 

If we are asking how they could just walk away, what we are really asking is - did it mean anything at all?

 

We likely know what it meant to us at the time, but we can't crack open the other person's head and ever truly understand what it meant to them (the MM).

 

So if they "just walked away," we can interpret that any number of ways, and makes us question our own experiences and realities. And that's sort of a tough place to be.

 

The problem that I've discovered is, I think this questioning of ourselves happens no matter how it ends.

[minimariah]

She shouldn't take his actions personally.

 

but how can you NOT take the dumping personally? how can you NOT take the fact that your lover abandoned you (without a word) personally...?

 

It would probably be helpful to the flow of this thread to take things in context and for the help of the OP...

 

but that is what i'm asking -- what should the OP do or think or say that will help her NOT take the way her relationship had ended PERSONALLY? her lover had abandoned her and now she is in the place of asking herself "did it ever mean anything" - how is that NOT personal?

[ladydesigner]

I think this actually gets to the heart of the matter.

 

If we are asking how they could just walk away, what we are really asking is - did it mean anything at all?

 

We likely know what it meant to us at the time, but we can't crack open the other person's head and ever truly understand what it meant to them (the MM).

 

So if they "just walked away," we can interpret that any number of ways, and makes us question our own experiences and realities. And that's sort of a tough place to be.

 

The problem that I've discovered is, I think this questioning of ourselves happens no matter how it ends.

 

Also the bolded could mean something different at different times in your life. At one point I thought my relationship with my xAP was an important one, now 7 years later it is very insignificant to me and I only look back at it in regret.

[Dela]

i didn t read all the posts here, but i d like to share my point of view.

 

i think it s common sense to say goodbye or whatever (closure).

 

when 2 people decide to start a relationship/affair, they kinda both agree and talk about it. they don t just start QUIET, so it should not end quiet.

 

i don t think it s much about the kind of A or what happened in it, it doesn t have to do with the W or the M or anything.

 

it has to do with the MAN himself. for those kind of jerks who just dissapear not to avoid conflict, but to avoid DRAMA) i have a list of words that unfortunatelly i can t say in here.

 

so for me it s about common sense. if my xMM had left me without a word, he would have lived to regret it.

[purplesorrow]

i didn t read all the posts here, but i d like to share my point of view.

 

i think it s common sense to say goodbye or whatever (closure).

 

when 2 people decide to start a relationship/affair, they kinda both agree and talk about it. they don t just start QUIET, so it should not end quiet.

 

i don t think it s much about the kind of A or what happened in it, it doesn t have to do with the W or the M or anything.

 

it has to do with the MAN himself. for those kind of jerks who just dissapear not to avoid conflict, but to avoid DRAMA) i have a list of words that unfortunatelly i can t say in here.

 

so for me it s about common sense. if my xMM had left me without a word, he would have lived to regret it.

 

For a lot, the ending includes a hurt and angry spouse. My stbx made a choice to not add to his injury of me and our marriage by having a 'goodbye' with his ow. He decided where he wanted to focus his concern and it wasn't her. Exactly how would you have made mm regret it?

[William]

Lets try this again......The topic is HOW DO THEY JUST WALK AWAY, lets keep posting topical and private debates private. ~Thank you

Edited July 25, 2015 by William

[Josmatjes]

I hate to play devils advocate, but you are both right. A lot of men are taught from a very young age to treat women with respect. However, they also learn at very young age that being nice and doing respectful things doesn't necessarily get you anywhere with a lot women. Just to use me as an example, in high school, whenever I encountered a girl I really liked, I was as nice and respectful as they come. All that got me was being put in the friend zone. And these were women I seriously liked and wanted to date, not women that I just wanted to screw. In college I completely changed how I approached women. I treated them like crap and found far more success in dating and sex. However, when I met my wife in grad school, I could not help being that person I was in high school. Something she states she never truly experienced before with a man. So you can see how it goes full circle for some people. For others, they just keep a hole persona going on. And then you have the chosen few who were just a holes to begin with. The beauty of this world is that there are different types of people in it.

 

I hear what your saying, but you shouldn't have to change your approach to get women. That's not staying true to yourself. Why would you want to be w someone who likes you cause you treated them badly. I tell my kids to be nice to everyone no matter what. Especially my boys. I want them to always be respectful or I'm gonna kick their butts!

[gettingstronger]

I hear what your saying, but you shouldn't have to change your approach to get women. That's not staying true to yourself. Why would you want to be w someone who likes you cause you treated them badly. I tell my kids to be nice to everyone no matter what. Especially my boys. I want them to always be respectful or I'm gonna kick their butts!

 

 

 

I do the same with my boys- not sure how old yours are but mine of 16 and 20 and they really do not communicate the way my friends girls do- for whatever reason, boys and men are just not as aware of themselves as grils and women are- even on here- so many more women seek to communicate and understand than men do- I really feel like it comes down to that and why I feel like although you feel badly like you were not worth it, it really isn't that at all-its him, not you-

[Josmatjes]

I do the same with my boys- not sure how old yours are but mine of 16 and 20 and they really do not communicate the way my friends girls do- for whatever reason, boys and men are just not as aware of themselves as grils and women are- even on here- so many more women seek to communicate and understand than men do- I really feel like it comes down to that and why I feel like although you feel badly like you were not worth it, it really isn't that at all-its him, not you-

 

My boys are 16 and 18. You are right, they don't communicate that well. My older one will come to me more,we are very close, but I also know when to wait it out too.

Thank you for you words...