Kids and counselling

[Shotclock]

Getting a divorce. I want my daughter(8) to go to a counsellor. I did her mom did, makes sense to me and can't hurt. Her mom has been "thinking" about it for 4 months. She won't tell me why she won't just say yes. I can't send our daughter to a counsellor without her consent. If she won't agree then I can probably get a court order, which I don't want to but if it is in the best interest of our child then so be it.

Any negatives for the child not going to see a counsellor?

[angelcake]

It sounds as if her Mother either just wants to be controlling, or else she has something to hide that she doesn't want your 8 year old to tell the counselor.

 

 

Has she given you any reasons/excuses for why she is taking 4 months to decide?

 

I believe counseling would be beneficial and wish that I had gotten it for my kids when I got divorced. But, I was in a world of pain and confusion, and not thinking clearly at all.

[Shotclock]

Mom is controlling. She's says counselling is not the "be all end all" whatever that means. She says she will decide if she gets to go and who she sees, I said no WE decide. If I push the issue she will take me to court... So let's let a judge decide if a child can see a counsellor. Who in their right mind would deny that??

Moms boyfriend started sleeping over 2 months after I left the house. when I told her that I did not agree with our daughter being introduced so soon she replied "what am I supposed to do, I have her all the time" ( my work schedule makes it hard to see my kid during the week sometimes.)

She wasn't very happy when I told her she needs to put our daughter first and this isn't how you do it.

[jwi71]

Getting a divorce. I want my daughter(8) to go to a counsellor.

 

great idea. I put both mine in therapy. I think it helped.

 

I did her mom did, makes sense to me and can't hurt.

 

So both biological parents think its a good idea. Good. Thats a good co-parenting "1st step"

 

Her mom has been "thinking" about it for 4 months. She won't tell me why she won't just say yes. I can't send our daughter to a counsellor without her consent.

 

You're going to have to explain me why grandma's opinion matters in ANY way. Because it doesn't. Why can't you take your daughter to seek outpatient medical care...

 

If she won't agree then I can probably get a court order, which I don't want to but if it is in the best interest of our child then so be it.

 

How far are you in the D? In my state, medical provisions are part of the boilerplate D. I wonder if yours has such provisions. If not, consider addressing:

 

who can and cannot authorize:

surgery, inpatient care, outpatient care, etc...and outpatient care is clearly a therapist. Maybe even have that specifically spelled out if not already. Now grandma can go pound sand.

 

Any negatives for the child not going to see a counsellor?

 

Potentially more difficult in adapting, potentially leading to unchecked/unrecognized behaviors and/or thoughts. Your D could use a safe place to vent and talk and cry and all that...I'd do it and to heck with what grandma wants.

 

Lastly...I'd do it anyways. Let grandma, in court, in public sworn testimony, go on the record as wanting to deny her grand daughter medical attention. I bet your xW's lawyer puts the kibosh on that right quick.

[TaraMaiden2]

When I got divorced, neither of my kids went into counselling.

They're both fine, we're all ok...

 

The only time kids need counselling is when they have hostile parents who display their 'dirty laundry' in public, fight, bicker, throw accusations and behave inappropriately and in a way that is psychologically damaging and manipulative, by perhaps also using the children as pawns.

 

Do either you or your ex-wife fall into that camp?

 

if so, then take your ex-wife to court.

 

This is for the best interests of your daughter, and frankly, going to court for her is a secondary consideration, in comparison to her present and future well-being.

[Ronni_W]

Shotclock,

Your daughter is fortunate to have chosen you for her Dad! Clearly your heart is in the "right place". There is much that YOU can do, to reassure your daughter that she is very much loved by both her parents, and that you will always do all you possibly can to keep her world as stable as possible, and her safe, provided for, healthy, educated, etc., etc.

 

ASK her how she feels about the changes that's been happening in her life -- that is, in any case, what you'd be expecting the counsellor to do, thus there's no real reason for YOU to not step into that role yourself. YOU can help her make sense of things...but it will, of course, require that you not avoid dealing with your daughter's feelings and fears directly.

 

If you want to take some time to prepare yourself to have these types of conversations, then that's fine. Do your research - online, through a support group, by talking with divorced friends, by visiting a child psychologist on your own - how best parents can help their children through a divorce. (It's the same as for any major life change or crisis with which children may be faced: death, moving, bullying, etc.) There's no need to always rush to put a counsellor in the place where a parent ought to stand.

 

YOU can be your daughter's rock and emotional support and safe place!

 

That said, it's not ONLY hostile parents that would make counselling valuable or necessary...it's also parents who would tend to avoid having age-appropriate conversations with their children, about this or any other emotionally-charged challenge that the child must go through.

 

Sending hugs, and very best of luck.

Edited July 23, 2015 by Ronni_W

[salparadise]

She won't tell me why she won't just say yes. [...] If she won't agree then I can probably get a court order, which I don't want to but if it is in the best interest of our child then so be it.

 

Mom is controlling. [...] Moms boyfriend started sleeping over 2 months after I left the house. [...] She wasn't very happy when I told her she needs to put our daughter first and this isn't how you do it.

 

^ This, in a nutshell. She knows it's not good for the child to be f*cking new guy in the next room, and she's afraid of being judged. She would much prefer to isolate the child and tell her what to think/feel than to have your daughter expressing her feelings and having them validated.

 

Even if the the child is not coming apart at the seams, counseling is good when going through a divorce. There are stressors that are hard for them to clarify and deal with any other way; they're caught in the middle. They've already lost the home and family they've come to rely on, and they're sometimes afraid of losing one of the parents altogether.

 

Counseling gives them an [neutral] advocate they can trust to understand how they feel, help them accept what they can't control and do what they can to strengthen their relationships with both parents and be less afraid and more self sufficient. Reducing stress and alleviating fears is reason enough.

 

The reason your ex-wife is dragging her feet and saying if it happens that she gets to choose the counselor is because she wants to vet them for a) tendency to align with the mother, and b) liberal views on the cohabitation issue. It's all too obvious.

 

Here's what I think you should do... find a really good therapist through referrals by other mental health professionals and make an appointment (it may take time). They will know, and believe me, they're not all created equally. Insist on a LCP as there's probably no difference in out-of-pocket expense. Then tell the ex-wife that she can either agree or you're going to have it court ordered, or go ahead and schedule a court date and have her subpoenaed.

 

Since her primary concern is avoiding the domestic court spotlight being shone directly on her cohabitation arrangement, she will likely agree to the counseling to get you to cancel the court appearance. The reason the foot-dragging is working is that you're not being decisive on the matter. You no longer have to kowtow to keep her happy; be assertive and do what you know is in the best interest of the child.

 

**If I were you I'd not be happy about her moving a new man into the house. You know he's going to have some kind of relationship with your daughter, but you have no idea what it will be. I'd be inclined to speak to your lawyer about it. Two months... sheesh, that bedroom may end up having a revolving door. This is nuts.

Edited July 23, 2015 by salparadise

[Shotclock]

I live in Alberta Canada, both parents need to agree on counselling or you have to go to court. The ex isn't 100% against it but if I put it in our seperate on agreement that our child goes to counselling. She won't sign it and we have to go to court. Because I want to make sure it happens and she hates being told what to do she will fight it in court. (She contradicts herself alot). She says if and when she thinks our daughter needs to go she will take her.I said either WE decide together or a judge will decide.

The ex does not deal with issues well. She would rather burry it and pretend it never happened. It's sad really.

 

So she's not against counselling for our child but if I insist o on it, she will fight it????

And ya she knows boyfriend shouldn't have been introduced so soon but what she wants comes first.

[GoBlue]

Have you gone out and tried to find a good counselor that your daughter could see? Maybe if you do the leg-work first, show your ex-wife some information about the counselor and their credentials, she may be more open and responsive to that approach. I also want to recommend a book to you titled Co-Parenting Works! Working Together to Help Your Child Thrive by Tammy Daughtry. She also has a website devoted to this whole concept called CoParenting International. There is lots of great advice there dealing with exactly what you are going through. The truth of the matter is once this issue is resolved there's going to be others. Setting the tone of how the two of you are going to parent your daughter is very important. The book and website I have mentioned will be extremely helpful. Good luck man! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Mrin]

We sent both girls to counseling post separation/divorce announcement. We didn't really see any positive benefits and the reports back to from the counselor indicated that the girls were adjusting fine. But we stuck with it just to make sure.

 

I have to tell you that despite not really needing it - it was invaluable. If only for the peace of mind and objective third party opinion.

 

Would do it again in a heart beat.

[RightThere]

I'm sure with everything that's going on, it's probably a lot for your daughter to handle.

 

However is she exhibiting anything that makes you worried or makes you want to get her into counselling?

 

If she's doing OK right now, I might advise not to push it. Kids are fairly adaptive and if she gets sent to a counsellor when she doesn't really feel off may get her mind running towards "Is there something wrong with me?"

 

I totally get the situation on your ex's side is f*&%#d up. I had a similar situation with my STBXW. All I knew is that my daughter wasn't in any physical danger and when it was my time with her, I would just make sure to focus on her and make sure she knows that she's loved.

[Shotclock]

We sent both girls to counseling post separation/divorce announcement. We didn't really see any positive benefits and the reports back to from the counselor indicated that the girls were adjusting fine. But we stuck with it just to make sure.

 

I have to tell you that despite not really needing it - it was invaluable. If only for the peace of mind and objective third party opinion.

 

Would do it again in a heart beat.

 

Perfect, it can't hurt!

My daughter is showing signs of anxiety like picking her lips and she acted out at camp the other day WAY out of character for her. If mom won't sign to let her go then a judge will decide for her.