Puppet Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Sorry if posting this here is inappropriate, but I was wondering of any advice can be given on this post I have written on the other woman forum. I was the other woman, so please do not read on if you may be hurt. goodbye letter to MM Its been a couple of months since his wife learnt of the affair. MM is staying with her, but is feeding her lies and contacts me to tell her what I should say to her. I don't want to lie to her, and told her the truth. Anyways, there was a public confrontation and he blatantly lies to her in front of me and tells me in front of her that he hates me etc. Then he calls me up to say he didn't hate me etc etc..... Apparantly he is waiting for the affair to blow over so we can resume. I don't want to ressume as I have woken up to the liar and manipulater he is. Also I am so ashamed that I too believed his lies and let myself fool myself into thinking the long term affair was justified. His W is traumatized and being lied to still, I've been used and lied too, he is doing all he can to calm the waters on both sides of his fence. I want out. No more EVER. I want to write him a letter, to say how I want nothing to do with him, how I've come to realize that all he did, I did and that he continues to do is WRONG. I want to write it in a way that tells him no more, but that doesn't hurt his wife if she should intercept it. I feel bad for my role and the way I have hurt her. I can't tell her the truth about what he is up to, as she would never believe me. Should I just continue to ignore all contact from him, or should I write him the letter. I really don't want to walk away and heal whilst knowing that he will pursue me once again when he thinks the coast is clear. Does these ramblings make any sense? Should I write a letter? What would I say??? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 He was a lying jerk to the both of you. I don't think the lying cheat deserves a letter, he isn't worth your time writing it. I would just get him out of your life, NC, and get on with your life. He doesn't deserve a reason for you dumping him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Puppet Posted May 5, 2005 Author Share Posted May 5, 2005 Sorry, changed my mind. Best to just maintain all NC. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 The NC really is the best way to go. The letter may feel like a way to get some kind of closure but it only opens the door for him to respond. Hang in there!!! Link to post Share on other sites
wanting to heal Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Ignore all his calls, do not contact him. He deserves no goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 You want out if this situation and the good news is: you ARE out! You are emotionally out. You know he lied to you, you're sick of him, you don't idealize him or wait for him to divorce, and you acknowledge your mistake so the drama is over for you. What he says to his wife is none of your business. Forget him! She knows about the affair. If she is ready to talk to you and believe your words, she will contact you. If she wants to live with her head in the sand, that's her problem, not yours. I agree that the letter only opens the door for him to respond and he deserves no goodbye. If he calls you, tell him right away "don't ever call me again!" and hang up. He will get the picture. Don't answer his emails no matter how tempted you are to reply. The worst punishment for anyone is when you ignore them. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 yay puppet! Good for you... I hope you can heal quickly. go no contact! Link to post Share on other sites
MiChick43 Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 Puppet, Moving on with your life, meaning ignoring him and his future desires to contact you will tell him clear enough you are not interested in him anymore. Good for you for moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetSerenity Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 Write letters to him, just never mail them or email them. Get all your feelings out and place them in plain sight. This is just a way of venting and getting your feelings out. I find its very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Sorry, changed my mind. Best to just maintain all NC. Just curious? What made you change your mind...Reading through other posts or just realized that it's not worth all that effort. Write letters to him, just never mail them or email them. Get all your feelings out and place them in plain sight. This is just a way of venting and getting your feelings out. I find its very helpful. I agree with RP 100%! Venting is soooo good for the soul. I do this once in a while when my mother really pisses me off. I do a draft email, get it all out...Read it afew times then delete it. I know if I ever sent it, she wouldn't "get" my points either way, so why bother..She isn't going to change her ways and all I can do is not get sucked into her issues. Cuz it's HER issues, not mine. Apply that to your exMM. Different situations, but same stupid result. No point. Live your life, be happy and I hope you find somebody who will love just YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Puppet Posted May 22, 2005 Author Share Posted May 22, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Just curious? What made you change your mind...Reading through other posts or just realized that it's not worth all that effort. I agree with RP 100%! Venting is soooo good for the soul. I do this once in a while when my mother really pisses me off. I do a draft email, get it all out...Read it afew times then delete it. I know if I ever sent it, she wouldn't "get" my points either way, so why bother..She isn't going to change her ways and all I can do is not get sucked into her issues. Cuz it's HER issues, not mine. Apply that to your exMM. Different situations, but same stupid result. No point. Live your life, be happy and I hope you find somebody who will love just YOU. I've been avidly reading posts bo OW and BW's and can see patterns and the pain. I've maintained NC and he has got the message. The posts by OW show that you can only trully evaluate yourself and your past actions and future directions by completely ending all contact with the MM. The posts by BW, have shown me, that a good relationship survival of the marriage is only possible when the WH stops gaslighting everyone and especially himself. By maintaining NC, I get to heal and move on, his wife gets a chance to find the truth in time and MM may realize what is wrong with him, for being such an a**h*** to everyone. My xMM wife has not contacted me apart from to swear and attack me. I hope she gets the chance to put me out of the equation so that she can move on to chose the right path for her. I hate myself for being in the affair..... hate myself for his lies, hate myself for being blinded by his words and actions, and hate myself for the pain I have contributed. I just hope one day I can forgive myself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 I hope you can forgive yourself too. If you can, block their phone number if she still keeps on calling you. If she calls again, all you have to do is tell her you're done with him and now it's time for them to work on their marriage - To leave you out of it as you've moved on and he's NOT a part of your life in any way whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
califlorgian Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 I am sort of in a similar situation.... I don't think I can ever forgive myself. Gosh, I hope I can one day... Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinTX Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 leave well enough alone, just causing more problems for his wife Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 Puppet, you're doing the right thing and you won't be his puppet anymore. Don't be ashamed, be proud of the strength you are calling up and bringing to bear. I hope some of the "true tales" of MM/OW reality here on LS have helped in this decision. BTW, what is "gaslighting"? Never heard this term used metaphorically. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 Originally posted by SoleMate BTW, what is "gaslighting"? Never heard this term used metaphorically. It is when you attempt to make your partner think that something is wrong with them, or that they are 'crazy' when they start getting close to the truth of the matter. An example would be if a man is caught with a woman, with his arms around her in a body-to-body full embrace - a woman whose name has been mentioned more frequently, whose number turns up on his cell phone too much, who emails and IMs with him for hours, whose perfume is vaguely familiar as it turns up often in his car, or on his clothes, ad nauseum... The man would tell the distraught wife that it 'isn't what it appears', that she is 'just a friend' and that if she would question that, then maybe she needs to see a shrink because she is 'paranoid' and doesn't trust him in this 'perfectly innocent' interaction. Link to post Share on other sites
harleygirl92156 Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 Set him up. Tape his phone calls, tape face to face conversations, video tape him if he comes to your home. Mainly get evidence that proves he is a liar and you are not. Then give all the evidence to his wife. This is how you make him leave you alone and probably his wife too. Those little pocket tape recorders work great and work on phone calls too. You can record phone calls on your computer and email them to her as well. Do what you an to gather enough evidence that he is playing both sides of the fence and clear yourself. He will never quit especially if he isn't caught. Guys like him deserve what they get. Link to post Share on other sites
FlutterBug Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 Just out of curiosity... how does one justify interloping and intruding in someone's marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by FlutterBug Just out of curiosity... how does one justify interloping and intruding in someone's marriage? I'm an Ex-OW, and I never tried to justify what I was doing. And many OW will actually agree with me that there is no justification. We know what we're doing is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
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