Husband watches massage videos

[Mr. Lucky]

This is the OP's spouse.

 

I listen to videos to help with my insomnia. I used to listen to video game reviews, computer hardware reviews and so on and it gave a similar effect. I also fall asleep to the T.V. being on. The massage videos help more than the others and I never thought they would be an issue to my wife. Once she expressed that it was an issue I told her I wouldn't watch them anymore. I used to take sleeping pills but with a new baby I don't want to be that drowsy and they also make me sleep walk, talk and so on.

 

I have always had problems sleeping. I do not watch these videos for any sexual gratification heck I don't even watch the videos. I don't know if some of the posters in this discussion are just trolling or are single people who want to cause problems for couples. Keenly you are 100% correct about why I listen to these videos. Even when my wife emailed and asked me about the videos I told her I thought I was weird for being able to relax to them but then I searched and read about ASMR. When I realize I wasn't a lone freak I felt better but now I feel like a freak again.

 

Reading my wife's other posts I see she has complained about me not sleeping in the room with her. This was her choice and she tries to put it off on be because I snore and have not been able to lose enough weight to stop.

I don't want to be fat and I don't want to snore but I was told that if I snore and wake the new baby up there would be problems for me. I also did get used to sleeping on the couch and falling asleep to the T.V. being on. I will admit to that.

 

As far as her previous posts about not getting breaks and the share of chores I never thought she didn't do anything or didn't do enough. I know SAHM are the hardest working woman on Earth and that home schooling makes it that much harder. I was more selfish before and I was a meaner person. I suffer from sever depression and which manifests as anger and agitation for males. I am now on multiple medications to fix the problem.

 

As far as sex goes I ask and want to have it all the time. My wife is the one who rejects me almost on a daily basis. It is not that I am not trying. I feel odd having to even come on here but after reading about what has been said about me I felt like I should at least explain myself.

 

I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her. I was not watching these videos as a form of porn I was using them as a form of sedative.

I do not fault my wife for how she feels. That is why I told her i wouldn't watch the videos anymore.

 

Sorry and thanks

You are full of it. I begged you to sleep in our bed for years, even crying about it during the pregnancy. You did for a couple of nights and then went back to sleeping on the couch. You are lying, and that is pretty pathetic.

 

You do not give me breaks and you say I do nothing all day as a SAHM.

 

Sure you ask every now and then to do stuff, but I will not when you are sending me to bed at a certain hour like I'm a child, and staying up all night by yourself watching massage videos, and then sleeping on a couch. What kind of marriage is that? I've been telling you this for years and you continue to ignore me, so I've given up. I honestly can't believe how dishonest you are being about this.

It's not so much that this exchange is inappropriate, it's that it's unproductive for both of you. Even though your comments are written, anger, hostility and defensiveness jump off the screen.

 

If either of you are more interested in improving your marriage than you are in having your unreasonableness validated, don't tell us. Tell a therapist or MC and bring an open heart and mind. Both of you watching out for yourselves, no one protecting your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HannahRose]

She doesn't seem willing to accept asmr as an answer. If he wanted half naked women, there are plenty of bikini soft core porn videos to Watch.

 

 

Instead he is watching asmr videos, and there is only.one logical reason why.

 

 

OP, I think the real issue here is the insecurity.of your husband seeing a cute girl on the Internet. Even though that's not why he is there, it's what is bothering you.

 

He has watched that, also. I just didn't say so. I saw it in the history years ago. I suspect he is just better at deleting history now... just messed up with the massage videos.

 

I am not insecure. I am young and if I left him, I would have no problem getting someone else.

 

You can't even tell if the girl in the video is cute, so that doesn't even make sense.

[HannahRose]

It's not so much that this exchange is inappropriate, it's that it's unproductive for both of you. Even though your comments are written, anger, hostility and defensiveness jump off the screen.

 

If either of you are more interested in improving your marriage than you are in having your unreasonableness validated, don't tell us. Tell a therapist or MC and bring an open heart and mind. Both of you watching out for yourselves, no one protecting your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

There is no point in going to MC... it's just more of what you just witnessed.

[Keenly]

OP, you are missing the point. It's not about you. This isn't about you. But you are making it about you.

 

 

This is about him and his relaxation. You are making it about you though, and your hiding behind being a Christian to do it. Being a Christian has nothing to do with ASMR. There is nothing sexual or inappropriate happening here. You have a massage therapist and a massage client performing a routine, although not routine for them as there is microphones and cameras everywhere, profession.

 

 

You are injecting yourself into a situation that doesn't hurt anyone, has nothing to do with you, and something that obviously helps your husband's insomnia. You want him.to stop because it bothers you, but what about him? Why doesn't he get a say?

 

 

So because you're Christian, you get to just demand what he can and can't do? He needs to ask your permission for everything?

 

 

He is a Christian and it doesn't bother him, so you are the one with the problem here. You can either learn about asmr, maybe even find some triggers of your own, or you can leave him.

 

But you can't demand he stop.

[Keenly]

He has watched that, also. I just didn't say so. I saw it in the history years ago. I suspect he is just better at deleting history now... just messed up with the massage videos.

 

I am not insecure. I am young and if I left him, I would have no problem getting someone else.

 

You can't even tell if the girl in the video is cute, so that doesn't even make sense.

 

Because it's not about her being cute. It's not about her or her body.

 

 

You are making it about her, when it's not about her. It's also not about you, so stop making it about you and your marriage. This is about relaxation. You want to remove your husband's outsmart because you don't like it. Completely unfair.

[HannahRose]

Sorry if I sound short w/ my replies. Typing one-handed.

[hotgurl]

daytime sleepiness can be a result of insomnia. Also you mentioned he snores and is overweight. He could have sleep apnea.

 

Being tired all the time sucks. It saps all your energy. You don't want to do anything because you have no energy to do anything. But it is a catch 22 because you really do need to exercise esp if you have sleeping problems.

 

Clearly your husband does have some kind of sleep disorder. I would recommend going to do a sleep study. If he has apnea he can get a cpap and that can really improve his quality of life.

 

I wold strongly recommend it. Maybe if he gets better quality sleep he can help out more and will be more motivated.

 

Also I think you need to decide if you want to stay in this marriage. Because If you do you have to let go of the anger to try, with him to fix things.

[HannahRose]

OP, you are missing the point. It's not about you. This isn't about you. But you are making it about you.

 

 

This is about him and his relaxation. You are making it about you though, and your hiding behind being a Christian to do it. Being a Christian has nothing to do with ASMR. There is nothing sexual or inappropriate happening here. You have a massage therapist and a massage client performing a routine, although not routine for them as there is microphones and cameras everywhere, profession.

 

 

You are injecting yourself into a situation that doesn't hurt anyone, has nothing to do with you, and something that obviously helps your husband's insomnia. You want him.to stop because it bothers you, but what about him? Why doesn't he get a say?

 

 

So because you're Christian, you get to just demand what he can and can't do? He needs to ask your permission for everything?

 

 

He is a Christian and it doesn't bother him, so you are the one with the problem here. You can either learn about asmr, maybe even find some triggers of your own, or you can leave him.

 

But you can't demand he stop.

 

I'm 100% certain that if I were to show the video to our pastor, he would say it's completely unacceptable.

 

I actually told him that I will not ask him to stop, as I shouldn't have to. He is a Christian, but he thinks a lot of inappropriate things are okay, so that argument doesn't work with him.

[HannahRose]

daytime sleepiness can be a result of insomnia. Also you mentioned he snores and is overweight. He could have sleep apnea.

 

Being tired all the time sucks. It saps all your energy. You don't want to do anything because you have no energy to do anything. But it is a catch 22 because you really do need to exercise esp if you have sleeping problems.

 

Clearly your husband does have some kind of sleep disorder. I would recommend going to do a sleep study. If he has apnea he can get a cpap and that can really improve his quality of life.

 

I wold strongly recommend it. Maybe if he gets better quality sleep he can help out more and will be more motivated.

 

Also I think you need to decide if you want to stay in this marriage. Because If you do you have to let go of the anger to try, with him to fix things.

 

Okay, that makes sense. However, I think the issues are just too deep. Sure, he is tired. I get that. I wake up all night with a baby and have for years (toddler was waking me up all night before this). I get less sleep than him, I bet, but I have to keep going, don't I?

 

I feel like it should be a priority for him to lose the weight (through diet and exercise) so he stops snoring. It's doable. Then, he can sleep in the bed without waking anyone. I've been willing to help with that for years. Instead of staying up all night playing video games (which surely can't help with sleep - they are too stimulating) wouldn't it be better to relax with his wife and go to bed?

Edited July 23, 2015 by HannahRose

[Keenly]

I'm seeing a a lack of compassion and empathy for your husband.

 

 

I keep seeing " he should this, he needs to do that, " bup youbarent actually putting yourself in his shoes, just giving orders.

[HannahRose]

I'm seeing a a lack of compassion and empathy for your husband.

 

 

I keep seeing " he should this, he needs to do that, " bup youbarent actually putting yourself in his shoes, just giving orders.

 

Yes, I do have a lack of compassion and empathy at this point. I won't go into details on here, but I have my reasons why.

[Keenly]

I'm 100% certain that if I were to show the video to our pastor, he would say it's completely unacceptable.

 

I actually told him that I will not ask him to stop, as I shouldn't have to. He is a Christian, but he thinks a lot of inappropriate things are okay, so that argument doesn't work with him.

 

Like I said, it doesn't bother him. It bothers you, therefore you are the one with the problem. You either choose to accept it or decide you can't handle it.

[Keenly]

Yes, I do have a lack of compassion and empathy at this point. I won't go into details on here, but I have my reasons why.

 

Then your marriage is effectively over, as one can not come to a mutual understanding when one side shuts out the other completely.

 

 

His needs no longer matter to you.

[LoveMachine67]

Okay, that makes sense. However, I think the issues are just too deep. Sure, he is tired. I get that. I wake up all night with a baby and have for years (toddler was waking me up all night before this). I get less sleep than him, I bet, but I have to keep going, don't I?

 

I feel like it should be a priority for him to lose the weight (through diet and exercise) so he stops snoring. It's doable. Then, he can sleep in the bed without waking anyone. I've been willing to help with that for years. Instead of staying up all night playing video games (which surely can't help with sleep - they are too stimulating) wouldn't it be better to relax with his wife and go to bed?

 

 

Losing the weight may also boost his libido as well.

[HannahRose]

Like I said, it doesn't bother him. It bothers you, therefore you are the one with the problem. You either choose to accept it or decide you can't handle it.

 

I do not accept it. Like I said, if it's just what you are saying, he should't need to watch the ones with half naked females.

 

Then your marriage is effectively over, as one can not come to a mutual understanding when one side shuts out the other completely.

 

 

His needs no longer matter to you.

 

My needs obviously don't matter, either.

 

Did you hear that, KalmOne (really?)? The marriage is over... decided on the intenets.

[Keenly]

I do not accept it. Like I said, if it's just what you are saying, he should't need to watch the ones with half naked females.

 

 

 

Did you hear that, KalmOne (really?)? The marriage is over... decided on the intenets.

 

The marriage is over because you have shut him out. He tried to explain what he is doing, you wouldn't listen. He tried to explain his insomnia and how he can relax, you wouldn't listen.

 

 

It was about you you you.

 

Events might have led up to this, but here is where we are now. You've decided that no.matter how.much this helps him, because it bothers you it's not allowed.

[Keenly]

He has explained to you what ASMR is. I have explained it. You've read the wiki article, and still you don't understand It. I believe it's because you don't want to understand, or really even care about the benefits it can provide.

 

You only see a girl laying face down on a tabletable getting massaged, which is not actually why he is watching the video. You are placing your thoughts and your mindset onto him, and then insisting you know what he is thinking better than he does.

 

 

I've provided all.the information I can. The rest is up to you.

[HannahRose]

The marriage is over because you have shut him out. He tried to explain what he is doing, you wouldn't listen. He tried to explain his insomnia and how he can relax, you wouldn't listen.

 

 

It was about you you you.

 

Events might have led up to this, but here is where we are now. You've decided that no.matter how.much this helps him, because it bothers you it's not allowed.

 

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but I don't really care. I think that particular video is wrong and I'm not budging on that. He could watch different ones.

 

It's going to be about me now because I'm not settling anymore.

[HannahRose]

He has explained to you what ASMR is. I have explained it. You've read the wiki article, and still you don't understand It. I believe it's because you don't want to understand, or really even care about the benefits it can provide.

 

You only see a girl laying face down on a tabletable getting massaged, which is not actually why he is watching the video. You are placing your thoughts and your mindset onto him, and then insisting you know what he is thinking better than he does.

 

 

I've provided all.the information I can. The rest is up to you.

 

Just because it's not sexual or inappropriate to you doesn't mean it's not to other guys. Two (?) just on here have said it is.

 

Do you really think my husband would come on here and admit it is for him? No, he wouldn't.

[KalmOne]

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but I don't really care. I think that particular video is wrong and I'm not budging on that. He could watch different ones.

 

It's going to be about me now because I'm not settling anymore.

 

 

 

Please someone tell me if I am wrong but did I not already say I won't watch the videos? She is angry to be angry period.

 

I said what I had to say but I really hope people can see that she just wants something to be angry at. Please try to open her eyes because I have tried for 11 years and have not been able to.

[HannahRose]

This man stays up all night by himself and sleeps alone by choice. Insomnia, maybe, but why does he insist I go to bed? Why can't I stay up with him? No, he sends me to bed like one of our children... gets irritated if I don't go. You are assuming he is like you just because it does nothing for you. There is something very wrong here.

[Keenly]

Please someone tell me if I am wrong but did I not already say I won't watch the videos? She is angry to be angry period.

 

I said what I had to say but I really hope people can see that she just wants something to be angry at. Please try to open her eyes because I have tried for 11 years and have not been able to.

I tried man.

 

Just meet her halfway with alternate asmr material. Try Heather feather, and the dude in that specific video has his own channel where he uses inanimate objects.

 

 

Just find non asmr related triggers Is all I can offer.

[Keenly]

Just because it's not sexual or inappropriate to you doesn't mean it's not to other guys. Two (?) just on here have said it is.

 

Do you really think my husband would come on here and admit it is for him? No, he wouldn't.

 

I think you want others to agree with you rather than help you two move forward.

[HannahRose]

Please someone tell me if I am wrong but did I not already say I won't watch the videos? She is angry to be angry period.

 

I said what I had to say but I really hope people can see that she just wants something to be angry at. Please try to open her eyes because I have tried for 11 years and have not been able to.

 

Hmmm... did you read my last post? Did you read that some guys think it IS sexual? Or are you just going with the one who says it is not? Why wouldn't you just watch ones that don't have naked girls?? Can you show that video to our pastor? Can you tell him how you sleep on the couch? Masturbate? It's getting pretty awkward now, so I won't continue, but this marriage is NOT OKAY. I'm not interested in this and yes, I am VERY angry at the way things are.

[hotgurl]

Please someone tell me if I am wrong but did I not already say I won't watch the videos? She is angry to be angry period.

 

I said what I had to say but I really hope people can see that she just wants something to be angry at. Please try to open her eyes because I have tried for 11 years and have not been able to.

 

I think she is angry because she is tired of being hurt. So it is easier to be angry.

 

Have you ever had a sleep study done?Could you have sleep apnea as well?

 

Sleeping issues are awful. It effects every other aspect of your life.

 

Do you want to work on your marriage? Or are you done as well?

 

The way you two are speaking to each other here is not productive to a healthy marriage.