Husband watches massage videos

[HannahRose]

Hannah, woman to woman, you can not expect a man to lead and then also tell him what to do.

 

My relationship is not based on leadership (we both lead), and I still avoid putting myself in "mommy" role regarding my husband because that is the surest way to guarantee he never grows up and acts like a man.

 

I'm not saying you should trust him to lead. I honestly don't think you should, considering some of what has been said on here. He calls you racial slurs, and I assume your children are the same race as you? He needs to grow up. As do you.

 

If you lead, he may follow.

 

You need to focus on independence. Stop focusing on him and his internet usage, where he sleeps, etc. Take the lead and get childcare, get a job, and get independent. He'll either shape up or he won't, but either way you'll be in a better position. And for goodness sake, use birth control. No more pregnancies.

 

 

You make some great points.

 

This is what I have trouble understanding. So, say a man doesn't want to be nagged. So, instead of telling him to take out the trash, I say nothing. Then, instead of noticing that and doing what needs to be done, he just leaves it which could potentially create a big problem for me (toddler throwing the contents of said bag around the house). So, the solution there is for me to take over the job, right? So, then he does this for all household jobs and he has it made.

 

He does not want me to work or put the kids in daycare. I would prefer not to, also, but if everything is going to wind up being my responsibility, I may as well, regardless of what he wants.

[Keenly]

Is you handling domestic chores really so unfair to your current arrangement?

[HannahRose]

Maybe a recent experience has colored my view....

 

I have a dear friend who, 5 years ago, hated her husband. She kinda had good reason. And though I love her, I kinda understood why he was at the end of his rope too. They hated each other, and anyone who knew them really well wished they would just divorce and get it over with. BUT they both felt it would be a sin to divorce for any reason except unrepentant adultery (cause if the WS repents then you should still take them back blah blah).

 

So with rolling eyes and a buttload of skepticism, they began a program. It doesn't much matter which one, except this one was founded on actual in-context Biblical principles and on examining oneself and caring for the other person. It was like a chore at first.

 

In the last few days the photos of their vow renewal has been all over my FB feed, and their comments are so lovey dovey it is almost diabetes-inducing

 

NO ONE expected them to stay married, much less be in love again.

 

 

I feel bad for the spouse who believes they have to stay married for someone who cheated because they were sorry. They Bible doesn't say that. Once a spouse cheats, you are entitled to divorce if you choose. You don't HAVE to stay if they repent.

[HannahRose]

Is you handling domestic chores really so unfair to your current arrangement?

 

Before we go any further... do you help with chores in your household? Do you take care of your baby?

[HannahRose]

... And for goodness sake, use birth control. No more pregnancies.

 

That just reminded me. We had an agreement that I would have the babies and when it came time, he would get a vasectomy. Guess who backed out of that one?

 

The chemical birth control options make me sick, so they aren't an option. Basically, we are left with condoms, which feel awful, so there is nothing in it for me.

 

I am telling you... there is trouble all over the place in this marriage.

[Keenly]

Before we go any further... do you help with chores in your household? Do you take care of your baby?

 

I don't have custody of my child, but when I do, of course I take care of her. As for chores, of course I do them. Neither of those has anything to do with this conversation.

 

It was my understanding that in a typical stay at home parent agreement, one person takes care of the money earning and the other handles domestic issues and children.

 

Am I wrong in assuming that?

 

I'm not saying all Chores, but certainly most right?

[autumnnight]

That just reminded me. We had an agreement that I would have the babies and when it came time, he would get a vasectomy. Guess who backed out of that one?

 

The chemical birth control options make me sick, so they aren't an option. Basically, we are left with condoms, which feel awful, so there is nothing in it for me.

 

I am telling you... there is trouble all over the place in this marriage.

 

This I CAN relate to. BC pills made me a crazy woman, and the stuff they put on condoms gave me a stinging rash. Do you think the fear of getting pregnant may also play into your hesitance to have sex? For us it was a non-issue because my ex was basically asexual, but I could see it being an issue if he wants to have sex.

[hotgurl]

You make some great points.

 

This is what I have trouble understanding. So, say a man doesn't want to be nagged. So, instead of telling him to take out the trash, I say nothing. Then, instead of noticing that and doing what needs to be done, he just leaves it which could potentially create a big problem for me (toddler throwing the contents of said bag around the house). So, the solution there is for me to take over the job, right? So, then he does this for all household jobs and he has it made.

 

He does not want me to work or put the kids in daycare. I would prefer not to, also, but if everything is going to wind up being my responsibility, I may as well, regardless of what he wants.

 

So it is the end of the world that he forgot to take the trash out. Different people have different priorities.

 

Also they notice different things. My husband is messier than I am. His level of comfort in a mess is much higher and he simply does not see certain things. I am not going to have a meltdown over it. Sometimes I ask him for help, sometimes I do it myself and sometimes the house is a little dirty. So what.

[xxoo]

You make some great points.

 

This is what I have trouble understanding. So, say a man doesn't want to be nagged. So, instead of telling him to take out the trash, I say nothing. Then, instead of noticing that and doing what needs to be done, he just leaves it which could potentially create a big problem for me (toddler throwing the contents of said bag around the house). So, the solution there is for me to take over the job, right? So, then he does this for all household jobs and he has it made.

 

He does not want me to work or put the kids in daycare. I would prefer not to, also, but if everything is going to wind up being my responsibility, I may as well, regardless of what he wants.

 

If he doesn't want you to work and put the kids in daycare, that's his motivation to grow up. You, meanwhile, move toward independence (first step: work/daycare). It's time to stop arguing and start acting.

 

About the trash, can you gather the whole thing and put it outside the door? Also, I don't see the big deal of simply taking out the trash the next day. I've been a SAHM (with a pt job in the evenings). I'd file this under "grow up". An adult takes out the trash when they notice it's full. That includes you.

 

When my kids were small and I saw 7 things that needed to be done and H saw 0, I would say something like this: "The trash needs to go out, dishwasher emptied, diaper changed, laundry folded, dog fed, and the homework checked. Which do you want to do and which should I do?" That phrasing usually went over well without seeming like nagging.

[xxoo]

The chemical birth control options make me sick, so they aren't an option. Basically, we are left with condoms, which feel awful, so there is nothing in it for me.

 

We've been using condoms for birth control for over 20 years They work, they have no lasting side effects, and they are cheap.

 

How many have you tried? We've tried probably at least a dozen, and found two that we like. The rest were rejected. Try others. The newer polyurethane ones are good. The lambskin are best, but SO expensive.

[HannahRose]

I don't have custody of my child, but when I do, of course I take care of her. As for chores, of course I do them. Neither of those has anything to do with this conversation.

 

It was my understanding that in a typical stay at home parent agreement, one person takes care of the money earning and the other handles domestic issues and children.

 

Am I wrong in assuming that?

 

I'm not saying all Chores, but certainly most right?

 

Asked gently... were you around when your child was a newborn? Did you witness the up all night thing? It is completely and utterly exhausting. Times this by five. I love my children more than anything, but raising children is tiring. It is so much easier to work than to be a SAHM. I know, because I have done it.

 

Is it fair for both of us to work all day, and then once he gets off his job, he is off, while I'm still going 24 hours a day? He does help with dinner and part of the kitchen, but the trash is one of his responsibilities...but many days I have the kids do it, and they had already taken the trash out yesterday... he got home late, so that meat trash wasn't taken out when they went. I was still getting dressed from my shower when the baby started crying and he wanted me to take the baby. That is when he should have taken the trash. In a household full of kids, everyone has to pitch in.

 

This I CAN relate to. BC pills made me a crazy woman, and the stuff they put on condoms gave me a stinging rash. Do you think the fear of getting pregnant may also play into your hesitance to have sex? For us it was a non-issue because my ex was basically asexual, but I could see it being an issue if he wants to have sex.

[hotgurl]

A non hormonal IUD can be a good option as well. Or a tubal ligation if you are really done with having kids.

[HannahRose]

This I CAN relate to. BC pills made me a crazy woman, and the stuff they put on condoms gave me a stinging rash. Do you think the fear of getting pregnant may also play into your hesitance to have sex? For us it was a non-issue because my ex was basically asexual, but I could see it being an issue if he wants to have sex.

 

 

I forgot to respond to this when I replied.

 

100% YES. That plays a huge part. I am tired. My pregnancies are not easy on me. The last two were complete surprises (thanking God for my kids, but it was definitely a surprise). He relies on the pull out method, by the way... obviously can't rely on that. I feel finished in this area, but I feel like I'm going to have to eventually give in and probably have more kids.

[hotgurl]

Asked gently... were you around when your child was a newborn? Did you witness the up all night thing? It is completely and utterly exhausting. Times this by five. I love my children more than anything, but raising children is tiring. It is so much easier to work than to be a SAHM. I know, because I have done it.

 

Is it fair for both of us to work all day, and then once he gets off his job, he is off, while I'm still going 24 hours a day? He does help with dinner and part of the kitchen, but the trash is one of his responsibilities...but many days I have the kids do it, and they had already taken the trash out yesterday... he got home late, so that meat trash wasn't taken out when they went. I was still getting dressed from my shower when the baby started crying and he wanted me to take the baby. That is when he should have taken the trash. In a household full of kids, everyone has to pitch in.

 

The kids should help with chores, in an age appropriate way. It is part of being a member of a household. Also the meat thing is your weird phobia. I think you need to kinda deal with it. You could just as easily taken the trash out.

 

Yes it is had with a newborn, I disagree being a SAHM is more difficult than being a working mom. Both can be equally exhausting.

 

If you need more help you can try to negotiate it. But as things stand now our marriage is so dysfunctional I wouldn't even bother. you need to work on communication and respecting each other, no name calling, no belittling etcc...

[HannahRose]

And, yes, condoms burn. Probably allergic.

[hotgurl]

I forgot to respond to this when I replied.

 

100% YES. That plays a huge part. I am tired. My pregnancies are not easy on me. The last two were complete surprises (thanking God for my kids, but it was definitely a surprise). He relies on the pull out method, by the way... obviously can't rely on that. I feel finished in this area, but I feel like I'm going to have to eventually give in and probably have more kids.

 

It is not a surprise if you are not using precautions. I would find another form of BC that you can use. Don't bring any more kids into this mess.

[HannahRose]

So it is the end of the world that he forgot to take the trash out. Different people have different priorities.

 

Also they notice different things. My husband is messier than I am. His level of comfort in a mess is much higher and he simply does not see certain things. I am not going to have a meltdown over it. Sometimes I ask him for help, sometimes I do it myself and sometimes the house is a little dirty. So what.

 

If the toddler gets a bag of raw meat garbage and throws it around the house before I realize he didn't take it out? Yeah, not cool at all.

 

There was a study done that showed that people are stressed more in messy environments. This is true for me. I need a clean house.

[xxoo]

And, yes, condoms burn. Probably allergic.

 

Try the polyurethane and lamb skin ones. Look for no spermacide.

 

I can relate to many of your obstacles, but we always focused on solutions. Together.

[HannahRose]

If he doesn't want you to work and put the kids in daycare, that's his motivation to grow up. You, meanwhile, move toward independence (first step: work/daycare). It's time to stop arguing and start acting.

 

About the trash, can you gather the whole thing and put it outside the door? Also, I don't see the big deal of simply taking out the trash the next day. I've been a SAHM (with a pt job in the evenings). I'd file this under "grow up". An adult takes out the trash when they notice it's full. That includes you.

 

When my kids were small and I saw 7 things that needed to be done and H saw 0, I would say something like this: "The trash needs to go out, dishwasher emptied, diaper changed, laundry folded, dog fed, and the homework checked. Which do you want to do and which should I do?" That phrasing usually went over well without seeming like nagging.

 

I do take out the trash, but if I would have left him with the crying baby to take it out, he would have had a melt-down. I am telling you... it's lose-lose for me. I lose either way. I took out the trash every night until I got so pregnant, I could barely walk. Then, I asked myself why am I doing this when he can simply put it out. I made the kids help, too.

 

We have lists of chores evenly delegated to everyone and he doesn't do all of his.

 

We've been using condoms for birth control for over 20 years They work, they have no lasting side effects, and they are cheap.

 

How many have you tried? We've tried probably at least a dozen, and found two that we like. The rest were rejected. Try others. The newer polyurethane ones are good. The lambskin are best, but SO expensive.

 

I don't know how many we have tried. I just hated the ones we tried. It just did not feel good at all.

 

A non hormonal IUD can be a good option as well. Or a tubal ligation if you are really done with having kids.

 

I'm not doing anything else (like a tubal). I went through a lot having all these kids (and miscarriages). It's his turn.

[HannahRose]

The kids should help with chores, in an age appropriate way. It is part of being a member of a household. Also the meat thing is your weird phobia. I think you need to kinda deal with it. You could just as easily taken the trash out.

 

Yes it is had with a newborn, I disagree being a SAHM is more difficult than being a working mom. Both can be equally exhausting.

 

If you need more help you can try to negotiate it. But as things stand now our marriage is so dysfunctional I wouldn't even bother. you need to work on communication and respecting each other, no name calling, no belittling etcc...

 

They do help. I would have taken it out, but he wanted me to IMMEDIATELY shower and take the baby back.

 

It is not a surprise if you are not using precautions. I would find another form of BC that you can use. Don't bring any more kids into this mess.

 

The pull-out method had worked in the past, so yes, I was surprised.

[autumnnight]

I'm not doing anything else (like a tubal). I went through a lot having all these kids (and miscarriages). It's his turn.

 

I had a little heart hurt when i read about miscarriages. I'm so sorry

 

You said earlier something about giving in and having more kids. Is there a reason you think you need to have more kids?

 

Regarding trash, I sort of get that. This probably sounds lame, but I have a sensitive gag reflex. I'm still amazed i did so well with snot and diapers If the trash is slimy or really stinky or there are gross food smears where you have to touch to take it out of the can....I mean, I CAN force myself, but it is just...gross, and I usually end up gagging even if i hold my breath.

 

I don't know your $$ situation, but the best thing ever is a trash compactor. You never have to touch OR LOOK AT that horrid stuff again.

[Keenly]

Can't help some one that isn't willing to help themselves.

[hotgurl]

I had a little heart hurt when i read about miscarriages. I'm so sorry

 

You said earlier something about giving in and having more kids. Is there a reason you think you need to have more kids?

 

Regarding trash, I sort of get that. This probably sounds lame, but I have a sensitive gag reflex. I'm still amazed i did so well with snot and diapers If the trash is slimy or really stinky or there are gross food smears where you have to touch to take it out of the can....I mean, I CAN force myself, but it is just...gross, and I usually end up gagging even if i hold my breath.

 

I don't know your $$ situation, but the best thing ever is a trash compactor. You never have to touch OR LOOK AT that horrid stuff again.

 

We have a stainless steel trash can with a lid than is always closed. You have a peddle to push to open it. It is great if you have pets or little kids.

[HannahRose]

I had a little heart hurt when i read about miscarriages. I'm so sorry

 

You said earlier something about giving in and having more kids. Is there a reason you think you need to have more kids?

 

Regarding trash, I sort of get that. This probably sounds lame, but I have a sensitive gag reflex. I'm still amazed i did so well with snot and diapers If the trash is slimy or really stinky or there are gross food smears where you have to touch to take it out of the can....I mean, I CAN force myself, but it is just...gross, and I usually end up gagging even if i hold my breath.

 

I don't know your $$ situation, but the best thing ever is a trash compactor. You never have to touch OR LOOK AT that horrid stuff again.

 

Someone who gets me!! Imagine the toddler touching it and throwing it around everywhere!!

 

Yes, the miscarriages were awful. Thank you.

 

Well, since it's my duty to meet his needs, I'm obviously going to have to if we stay married. If we aren't using proper birth control, I will have more kids. He is willing to risk it by doing pull-out (even though it failed the last few times)... probably because he isn't the one carrying the baby and going through a rough pregnancy. It's easy for him.

 

I don't really have a choice besides getting sick with the chemical birth control. I'm weary of some of the birth control methods,also, because some allow fertilization to happen, but just stop the fertilized egg from being implanted. Morally, I am not okay with that.

 

He agreed to have a vasectomy so I wouldn't have to have a tubal while I was in the hospital. Several friends have had them (tubals) and had serious issues, which scares me. My OB said the vasectomy is much less invasive and causes less problems, so that seems to be the best way. But... I can't make him.

Edited July 24, 2015 by HannahRose

[HannahRose]

If he doesn't want you to work and put the kids in daycare, that's his motivation to grow up. You, meanwhile, move toward independence (first step: work/daycare). It's time to stop arguing and start acting.

 

...

 

 

Back to this. If I do it, regardless of what he says, I'm the rebellious wife.