Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 Can't help some one that isn't willing to help themselves. Yeah, slap a cheap saying on it. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Well, since it's my duty to meet his needs, I'm obviously going to have to if we stay married. If we aren't using proper birth control, I will have more kids. He is willing to risk it by doing pull-out (even though it failed the last few times)... probably because he isn't the one carrying the baby and going through a rough pregnancy. It's easy for him. Couples can have sex without intercourse. I'd say try some new, different condoms, and if it isn't working mid-sex, take it off and finish without intercourse. We've done exactly that more than once. It's a matter of creativity, flexibility, and desire to find a solution. Back to this. If I do it, regardless of what he says, I'm the rebellious wife. So? Less talking, more doing. You are frustrated because you have made yourself so dependent on him, and he's not living up to your expectations. Take responsibility for yourself. Live up to your own expectations. With or without him. Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Advise me on what my reaction should be toward being called a nigger, also. Late to the party, but this is a huge red flag! This would be a deal breaker for me and I understand your anger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 'm weary of some of the birth control methods,also, because some allow fertilization to happen, but just stop the fertilized egg from being implanted. Morally, I am not okay with that. This is something not a lot of people will not understand, and for some reason, they are usually compelled to try to talk you out of it, but I feel the same way. Not only can fertilization (and sometimes even implantation) happen with an IUD, it can be life threatening when it does. I reread some of this thread along with my initial responses, and I started to understand why I personally got so triggered and knee-jerky in the beginning. I am a combination of both of you, and my marriage was a combination of all your issues with some slightly altered roles. There was sexual frustration, laziness, anger, conflict, belittling, name-calling, intentions with no follow-through. I was triggered all over the place so i apologize for that. I also think I understand whee each of you are. We reached that point too. We knew we both had issues, but we just flat didn't care anymore. For my part, I was past even WANTING him to touch me (I was the one who was sex starved) because everything else was just so hurtful I felt no love for him at all. I had hurt him too, and his trust was shut down. Our situation had some differing details, but the bottom line was that it was just toxic, I was soooo bone tired...I just had nothing left. His changes lasted for a week at most. My kids (who were older) declared they had no intention of marrying after watching us. My heart was broken, so I decided to end the marriage. It was a gut-wrenching decision. Your kids are very young and you have more of them. If you think the two of you can rally at all and give it a shot with each of you giving 150% on your ends, I urge you to try. But if you can't, I'm the last person who will judge you for throwing in the towel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) This is something not a lot of people will not understand, and for some reason, they are usually compelled to try to talk you out of it, but I feel the same way. Not only can fertilization (and sometimes even implantation) happen with an IUD, it can be life threatening when it does. I reread some of this thread along with my initial responses, and I started to understand why I personally got so triggered and knee-jerky in the beginning. I am a combination of both of you, and my marriage was a combination of all your issues with some slightly altered roles. There was sexual frustration, laziness, anger, conflict, belittling, name-calling, intentions with no follow-through. I was triggered all over the place so i apologize for that. I also think I understand whee each of you are. We reached that point too. We knew we both had issues, but we just flat didn't care anymore. For my part, I was past even WANTING him to touch me (I was the one who was sex starved) because everything else was just so hurtful I felt no love for him at all. I had hurt him too, and his trust was shut down. Our situation had some differing details, but the bottom line was that it was just toxic, I was soooo bone tired...I just had nothing left. His changes lasted for a week at most. My kids (who were older) declared they had no intention of marrying after watching us. My heart was broken, so I decided to end the marriage. It was a gut-wrenching decision. Your kids are very young and you have more of them. If you think the two of you can rally at all and give it a shot with each of you giving 150% on your ends, I urge you to try. But if you can't, I'm the last person who will judge you for throwing in the towel. That's how I feel. I'm just burned out on the marriage and feel like it is hopeless, so I am giving up. I told him I won't divorce him, but I will not engage in the marriage the way things are. If he cheats, I file. Edited July 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Kalm, as a woman, I can give Hannah advice on problem solving the birth control issue within her control. You should note above that one of her options is to eliminate intercourse. But the truth is, a woman who has carried and delivered 5 babies plus miscarriages should not be shouldering the birth control. You should step up. It falls under the global "grow up" advice. And I hope you fully realize that burning means she is suffering during intercourse. It might feel good to you, but she's taking one for the team. If her choices are burning sensation with condoms, risking pregnancy with withdrawal, or refusing sex, which do you think she should choose? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KalmOne Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 why no vasectomy? You need to step up, I never said I won't do a vasectomy. I have actually looked up a place locally and I don't have $600 to do it. I suppose with some scissors and rubbing alcohol I could make it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
KalmOne Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Kalm, as a woman, I can give Hannah advice on problem solving the birth control issue within her control. You should note above that one of her options is to eliminate intercourse. But the truth is, a woman who has carried and delivered 5 babies plus miscarriages should not be shouldering the birth control. You should step up. It falls under the global "grow up" advice. And I hope you fully realize that burning means she is suffering during intercourse. It might feel good to you, but she's taking one for the team. If her choices are burning sensation with condoms, risking pregnancy with withdrawal, or refusing sex, which do you think she should choose? You have no idea how many times she has told me she didn't want anymore kids and changed her mind. I am willing to get a vasectomy but I am not willing to reverse it. I have been told in the last 6 weeks that my wife would like another daughter...I guess the whole "grow up" advice doesn't apply to waiting until you are sure to make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I never said I won't do a vasectomy. I have actually looked up a place locally and I don't have $600 to do it. I suppose with some scissors and rubbing alcohol I could make it happen. How much does a kid cost? How much does divorce cost? Figure it out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 You have no idea how many times she has told me she didn't want anymore kids and changed her mind. I am willing to get a vasectomy but I am not willing to reverse it. I have been told in the last 6 weeks that my wife would like another daughter...I guess the whole "grow up" advice doesn't apply to waiting until you are sure to make a decision. Here's a golden opportunity to lead your family in a solid direction. You have multiple marriage problems and struggle to pull together $600 for a vas. You do NOT need more children. Lead by getting the vas. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 You have no idea how many times she has told me she didn't want anymore kids and changed her mind. I am willing to get a vasectomy but I am not willing to reverse it. I have been told in the last 6 weeks that my wife would like another daughter...I guess the whole "grow up" advice doesn't apply to waiting until you are sure to make a decision. I asked your wife this, and now I will ask you...are you willing to focus your entire energy on your OWN stuff without blameshifting or fingerpointing for a period of time to see if you can reconnect? And I will say I am a sarcastic person who uses wit and humor sometimes to deflect hurt or discomfort. But remarks like the one about being hot or the scissors and alcohol...well, in humor, timing is everything, and in this kind of conversation, it comes off as flippant and dismissive of your wife. I am NOT saying never be funny. Funny is one of MY coping mechanisms too. But it can really seem uncaring when it is in response to a tender subject. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KalmOne Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 How much does a kid cost? How much does divorce cost? Figure it out. I am happy for every birth of every child I have and or will ever have. Cost is no issue. Divorce for me would actually save a lot of money. You lost both of those points. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 You have no idea how many times she has told me she didn't want anymore kids and changed her mind. I am willing to get a vasectomy but I am not willing to reverse it. I have been told in the last 6 weeks that my wife would like another daughter...I guess the whole "grow up" advice doesn't apply to waiting until you are sure to make a decision. People at work telling you I want another daughter does not equal me wanting another one. I'm done. How much does a kid cost? How much does divorce cost? Figure it out. We have insurance, too. I doubt it would cost that. Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 My husband watches massage videos on youtube at night... just saw it in our computer history. He says it helps him to relax so he can fall asleep. We do not sleep in the same room still. Is he full of it? As weird as this sounds, if it was a man being massaged I might believe him. It does make sense, they can be relaxing to watch and that would be a way you'd know he isn't getting turned on. But if it is a woman being massaged, yeah, I don't know. I doubt it. I've seen massage videos and they can be arousing to watch with women in them, even if they aren't meant to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 I am happy for every birth of every child I have and or will ever have. Cost is no issue. Divorce for me would actually save a lot of money. You lost both of those points. Cost is no issue, but you don't have $600? Link to post Share on other sites
KalmOne Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Cost is no issue, but you don't have $600? You are the one who said you want even girls and boys. 3 and 3 like the Brady Bunch. I wouldn't want to make a choice that you would regret later on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 You are the one who said you want even girls and boys. 3 and 3 like the Brady Bunch. I wouldn't want to make a choice that you would regret later on. I was kidding. You just don't want to do it. We're at another impasse. When are you going to agree it's time to give up? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I am happy for every birth of every child I have and or will ever have. Cost is no issue. Divorce for me would actually save a lot of money. You lost both of those points. Winning is you guys getting your act together and being responsible partners and parents. Right now, everyone is losing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 You know, this reminds me of the sniping, name-calling, and sarcastic digs that go on between my teenage kids sometimes. I hope that this is not the environment and dynamic that your kids see. Since you are here asking for advice.... my advice would be for you both either to grow up and take some active measures to save your marriage, or else divorce. If you are mature enough to bring 5 children into this world, then hopefully you can make the effort to give them a better example of how people interact in a marriage than what is in this thread. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) After review and 50+ posts deleted and at least 50 more that probably should be, this thread reopened at OP's request with the condition that it return to the expanded topic of HannahRose's marriage in general. This is not a forum for two people to hash out the details of their relationship on a public forum reference to or a continuation of that theme will result in immediate closure of this thread without warning. ~Thank you Edited July 25, 2015 by William 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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