KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 For this specific issue, yes that is a reasonable compromise. If we drag the rest of the relationship into it, it only MIGHT be acceptable because he regularly comes up with solutions to problems and then he never follows through on them. We really have to look at the rest of the relationship, or we are just coming up with an artificial "fix" to the problem. Like a band-aid on a bullet wound (yes, I was just listening to Taylor Swift). It's just not going to work if he is saying he will do otherwise and then just gets better at deleting history. The HUGE problem is him sending me to bed at my "bedtime" so he can be alone to watch youtube videos, please himself, and then sleep on a couch. He has said it's easier to please himself than do the deed in the past. He seems to LIKE this arrangement and is scares and hurts me. Well maybe if we give things a chance they can be resolved. We have resolved this issue so let's move passed it. If you want me in the bed room now then you have to deal with snoring until I lose weight. If you don't want to deal with the snoring than you have to deal with me out of the room until I lose the weight. We can't get both at the same time. If you don't want me "pleasing" myself then maybe we should make some time to take care of our needs. I will make sure that i don't do anything that indicates you have a bed time or need to go to bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 I hope there was no big break through on the last couple of pages, because I just couldn't make myself finish. Hannah, it sound like your husband is selfish and lazy and using insomnia and depression as an excuse. You meanwhile seem to be uptight, legalistic, and a sexual refuser with a...met phobia? (what is that?) I just don't see anything compatible here. Both of you need some SERIOUS work and neither of you are wiling to do any. Yes, we are very incompatible. I always tell him that. Link to post Share on other sites
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Yes, we are very incompatible. I always tell him that. Opposites attract. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Well maybe if we give things a chance they can be resolved. We have resolved this issue so let's move passed it. If you want me in the bed room now then you have to deal with snoring until I lose weight. If you don't want to deal with the snoring than you have to deal with me out of the room until I lose the weight. We can't get both at the same time. If you don't want me "pleasing" myself then maybe we should make some time to take care of our needs. I will make sure that i don't do anything that indicates you have a bed time or need to go to bed. I've heard it all before, but I'll humor you. Since we have another baby now, lose the weight asap then get back in the bed. Don't watch naked girls... watch ones with males. Stop calling me names and having a terrible attitude... let me have breaks by holding the baby more then just when I shower and clean... be kind and you won't have a problem getting some. The problem here is if you don't lose the weight asap... same boat. Link to post Share on other sites
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I've heard it all before, but I'll humor you. Since we have another baby now, lose the weight asap then get back in the bed. Don't watch naked girls... watch ones with males. Stop calling me names and having a terrible attitude... let me have breaks by holding the baby more then just when I shower and clean... be kind and you won't have a problem getting some. The problem here is if you don't lose the weight asap... same boat. Well a healthy weight loss is 3 pounds a week. I may be able to lose more at first but I can't promise 60 pounds in 12 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I've heard it all before, but I'll humor you. Since we have another baby now, lose the weight asap then get back in the bed. Don't watch naked girls... watch ones with males. Stop calling me names and having a terrible attitude... let me have breaks by holding the baby more then just when I shower and clean... be kind and you won't have a problem getting some. The problem here is if you don't lose the weight asap... same boat. What will you be doing on your end to improve the relationship? I see you have a lot for him, but do you have one for yourself? Both sides must work.together in order for a marriage to work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 What will you be doing on your end to improve the relationship? I see you have a lot for him, but do you have one for yourself? Both sides must work.together in order for a marriage to work. I'll continue being awesome. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I'll continue being awesome. If your suggestion is that he follow your list of must do's and you feel that you don't or shouldn't have to do anything in order to improve the marriage then I'm not really sure how that's going to work. Why should he put in effort if you aren't even willing to look at the marriage objectively? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I'll continue being awesome. I demand sex 7 times a day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 If your suggestion is that he follow your list of must do's and you feel that you don't or shouldn't have to do anything in order to improve the marriage then I'm not really sure how that's going to work. Why should he put in effort if you aren't even willing to look at the marriage objectively? He didn't say anything for me to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 I demand sex 7 times a day. You are so full of it. I don't think you should talk like that at work, either. Link to post Share on other sites
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 You are so full of it. I don't think you should talk like that at work, either. You're right. The bunny was a bit much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 You are so full of it. I don't think you should talk like that at work, either. Do you normally talk to him in this manner ( like a mother to a child, rather than adult to adult) or is there a dynamic behind the scenes going on here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Do you normally talk to him in this manner ( like a mother to a child, rather than adult to adult) or is there a dynamic behind the scenes going on here. It's a normal occurrence. FYI the way I am the boss at my work so it's not like I am being watched. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 there is nothing bad or sexual in nature about a professional massage therapy video, maybe he wants to learn, maybe if it has soothing music in the background it does relax him like he says, maybe he wants to learn massage technique but is afraid or ashamed to tell you, maybe he wants to practice on you..or somebody else.....I would suggest you offer for him to practice on you and see what he says, if he seems really into it maybe its something he will enjoy doing on you. Again talking about professional massage not anything with "happy endings" or anything sexual in nature Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Do you normally talk to him in this manner ( like a mother to a child, rather than adult to adult) or is there a dynamic behind the scenes going on here. How else should I have said that? We have a lot of kids... he shouldn't jeopardize his job. Actually, that is just my observation. Your wife is like many of the women I attended a particular church with: no public school, no pants, sex for procreation, no naughtiness, no compromise, a whole lotta no's and religious guilt trips You are a lot like my ex: overweight, depressed, 100 reasons why nothing can be done about it, promise, follow through for a few days, and quit once the conflict dust settles. The only way to fix it is for both of you to take a long hard look in a mirror and FIX your side of the street permanently. But you won't do that because it is easier to pout, point fingers, play video games, and read Bill Gothard You actually have me really incorrectly pegged. You are really far off. It was fun to read, though. You do have him right. He told me last night that only 1% off fat people can lose weight. That he just can't. there is nothing bad or sexual in nature about a professional massage therapy video, maybe he wants to learn, maybe if it has soothing music in the background it does relax him like he says, maybe he wants to learn massage technique but is afraid or ashamed to tell you, maybe he wants to practice on you..or somebody else.....I would suggest you offer for him to practice on you and see what he says, if he seems really into it maybe its something he will enjoy doing on you. Again talking about professional massage not anything with "happy endings" or anything sexual in nature If he wants to massage someone else, he can just go f off and leave me alone. Oh, wait... kinda like he has been doing. He'll never massage me. I already said that. He hates it. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Forget massage, videos, couch, snoring, pastor, chores.... How often do you each prioritize each other? Do something special for the other? Reserve time for each other? You each have a story about how you got to this point. But here you are. The story doesn't really matter, does it? Fault isn't really helpful. What is helpful is accepting where you are, deciding together where you want to be, making a plan to get there, and taking one step at a time. Do it for your kids if you can't find it in your hearts to do it for each other. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Forget massage, videos, couch, snoring, pastor, chores.... How often do you each prioritize each other? Do something special for the other? Reserve time for each other? You each have a story about how you got to this point. But here you are. The story doesn't really matter, does it? Fault isn't really helpful. What is helpful is accepting where you are, deciding together where you want to be, making a plan to get there, and taking one step at a time. Do it for your kids if you can't find it in your hearts to do it for each other. Well said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Forget massage, videos, couch, snoring, pastor, chores.... How often do you each prioritize each other? Do something special for the other? Reserve time for each other? You each have a story about how you got to this point. But here you are. The story doesn't really matter, does it? Fault isn't really helpful. What is helpful is accepting where you are, deciding together where you want to be, making a plan to get there, and taking one step at a time. Do it for your kids if you can't find it in your hearts to do it for each other. I guess that makes sense. We do not prioritize each other, IMO. We need to be spending time together for awhile, but we do everything separately. He does special stuff for me more than I do for him, but I have a lot of anger toward him and don't know how to let it go... and I definitely have walls up, but it's so he can't hurt my feelings. If I let the anger go and take the walls down and he calls me some hurtful name or sleeps on that couch (or doesn't really try to lose the weight), etc, etc, etc, I'll just feel hurt all over again and get angry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I guess that makes sense. We do not prioritize each other, IMO. We need to be spending time together for awhile, but we do everything separately. He does special stuff for me more than I do for him, but I have a lot of anger toward him and don't know how to let it go... and I definitely have walls up, but it's so he can't hurt my feelings. If I let the anger go and take the walls down and he calls me some hurtful name or sleeps on that couch (or doesn't really try to lose the weight), etc, etc, etc, I'll just feel hurt all over again and get angry. That was honest. Remember baby steps. Don't expect instant change in all areas. Right now, the two of you are in a very negative cycle that is feeding on itself. If you can make changes toward a positive cycle, those positive feelings will also feed on themselves. It may be slow at first, but keep moving forward and you should gain some momentum. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 That was honest. Remember baby steps. Don't expect instant change in all areas. Right now, the two of you are in a very negative cycle that is feeding on itself. If you can make changes toward a positive cycle, those positive feelings will also feed on themselves. It may be slow at first, but keep moving forward and you should gain some momentum. I hope you are right, because I'm feeling really hopeless about it right now. I'm also stressing and hoping he can't get fired for being on this website at work. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMachine67 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I guess that makes sense. We do not prioritize each other, IMO. We need to be spending time together for awhile, but we do everything separately. He does special stuff for me more than I do for him, but I have a lot of anger toward him and don't know how to let it go... and I definitely have walls up, but it's so he can't hurt my feelings. If I let the anger go and take the walls down and he calls me some hurtful name or sleeps on that couch (or doesn't really try to lose the weight), etc, etc, etc, I'll just feel hurt all over again and get angry. You two remind me of my ex wife and I back in the late 90s'. I detect a bunch of anger and frustration from the both of you. Your situation is almost identical my ex and I, minus the children. I also detect there may still be some hope for you two as well, or else the both of you would not be here, in the same thread no less. I think you've both reach the point of shutting down on each other. When was the last time you both just sat down and talked without yelling at each other? Once the children are asleep this evening, can you both just sit and talk to each other? Not to solve all of the world's problems, but just talk and begin to try and reconnect with each other. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 (edited) You two remind me of my ex wife and I back in the late 90s'. I detect a bunch of anger and frustration from the both of you. Your situation is almost identical my ex and I, minus the children. I also detect there may still be some hope for you two as well, or else the both of you would not be here, in the same thread no less. I think you've both reach the point of shutting down on each other. When was the last time you both just sat down and talked without yelling at each other? Once the children are asleep this evening, can you both just sit and talk to each other? Not to solve all of the world's problems, but just talk and begin to try and reconnect with each other. I don't know why we keep hanging on... we just do, but we just don't get along. I don't remember the last time we just sat and talked. I thought it would be a good idea to go walk or jog tonight, have a healthy dinner, and watch a movie, but I might be expecting too much? That would be an ideal daily routine (the walk/jog and healthy dinner, plus doing something alone together), but I don't think he feels the same way... guessing that sounds like a chore to him. Edited July 23, 2015 by HannahRose Link to post Share on other sites
KalmOne Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 You two remind me of my ex wife and I back in the late 90s'. I detect a bunch of anger and frustration from the both of you. Your situation is almost identical my ex and I, minus the children. I also detect there may still be some hope for you two as well, or else the both of you would not be here, in the same thread no less. I think you've both reach the point of shutting down on each other. When was the last time you both just sat down and talked without yelling at each other? Once the children are asleep this evening, can you both just sit and talk to each other? Not to solve all of the world's problems, but just talk and begin to try and reconnect with each other. This sounds like a solid plan to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HannahRose Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 This sounds like a solid plan to me. That does?? So we are doing that daily? Link to post Share on other sites
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