Keenly Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 she got mad and left the discussion because the husband had the gall, the nerve, the AUDACITY to share his side of the story. She didn't dispute it, she just walked out of the discussion. It's really hard to negotiate with some one who doesn't want to put in any effort and can't accept responsibility for their own actions and behavior. I explained that needed to try. I don't think she wanted advice, she wanted agreement.
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) Letting go of anger for a few hours until the next time he makes you mad isn't letting go of anger. Have you ever read the parable of the unforgiving servant, where servant A owes the master this huge amount, and the Master forgives the entire debt, and then servant A turns around and has servant B imprisoned for not paying a piddly debt? That is how you are acting. The measure of your attitude and behavior is not in comparison to his. Your attitudes and behavior are all on YOU. How do you line up? OMGosh, this is how I get drawn back in. Imagine this. Say someone knows you are a Christian, and they know you have to forgive them. So, they do things repeatedly and just say, "Too bad, you have to forgive me or you aren't really a Christian." They can just get away with all sorts of terrible behavior, can't they? They don't even have to try anymore, do they? Because it's all on the other person to forgive immediately at any time. Since I can tell you are a Christian, please advise. Advise me on what my reaction should be toward being called a nigger, also. Edited July 24, 2015 by HannahRose
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 she got mad and left the discussion because the husband had the gall, the nerve, the AUDACITY to share his side of the story. She didn't dispute it, she just walked out of the discussion. It's really hard to negotiate with some one who doesn't want to put in any effort and can't accept responsibility for their own actions and behavior. I explained that needed to try. I don't think she wanted advice, she wanted agreement. There is no point in disputing anymore. I am not hiding or lying about stuff. I'm laying it all out there (the ugliness and all) for everyone to see. He is getting on here using monikers like "KalmOne" and trying to make everyone think he is patient and rational. He is playing a part. He is being untruthful and dishonest because he wants to be the "right" one, while I am the angry, hostile "wrong" one. If that is how it really was, fine, but it's not. How is that helping anyone?
autumnnight Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 OMGosh, this is how I get drawn back in. Imagine this. Say someone knows you are a Christian, and they know you have to forgive them. So, they do things repeatedly and just say, "Too bad, you have to forgive me or you aren't really a Christian." They can just get away with all sorts of terrible behavior, can't they? They don't even have to try anymore, do they? Because it's all on the other person to forgive immediately at any time. Since I can tell you are a Christian, please advise. Advise me on what my reaction should be toward being called a nigger, also. Actually, the person you describe who is saying all the "you have to forgive" stuff has no understanding of forgiveness, so that is on them. Behaving badly because they think forgiveness gives them a free pass is, quite frankly, abuse. And calling someone the n-word is verbal abuse. In the above case, I would separate. Because no one should have to continue to be abused. And if your pastor would say that the solution is for you to "submit more" or some such crap....you need a new church. The Bible tells us to bear the FRUIT of repentance. If the person who is being abusive does not change his behavior, then he is not repentant. The Bible says we are forgiven when we repent. This is a man who needs to go to anger management, repent of his abuse, stop being a "sloth" as Proverbs says, and learn how to love His wife as Christ loves the church. Should you hate? no. But yeah, that puts another light on things. Kalm, did you call the wife God commands you to love the n-word??
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Actually, the person you describe who is saying all the "you have to forgive" stuff has no understanding of forgiveness, so that is on them. Behaving badly because they think forgiveness gives them a free pass is, quite frankly, abuse. And calling someone the n-word is verbal abuse. In the above case, I would separate. Because no one should have to continue to be abused. And if your pastor would say that the solution is for you to "submit more" or some such crap....you need a new church. The Bible tells us to bear the FRUIT of repentance. If the person who is being abusive does not change his behavior, then he is not repentant. The Bible says we are forgiven when we repent. This is a man who needs to go to anger management, repent of his abuse, stop being a "sloth" as Proverbs says, and learn how to love His wife as Christ loves the church. Should you hate? no. But yeah, that puts another light on things. Kalm, did you call the wife God commands you to love the n-word?? This is exactly what I have told him in the past. To repent means to turn away from and stop doing something. It doesn't mean say sorry until the next time you get angry and do it again. He doesn't listen to that. He says I have to forgive him repeatedly and uses Bible verses about forgiving not seven times, but seventy-seven times, etc. I have never felt so bad about being mixed (black and white) until I married him. He makes me feel like a second-class citizen because of it.
autumnnight Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 This is exactly what I have told him in the past. To repent means to turn away from and stop doing something. It doesn't mean say sorry until the next time you get angry and do it again. He doesn't listen to that. He says I have to forgive him repeatedly and uses Bible verses about forgiving not seven times, but seventy-seven times, etc. I have never felt so bad about being mixed (black and white) until I married him. He makes me feel like a second-class citizen because of it. Anyone can use verses out of context to prove their point, and that is what he is doing. He needs to study his part of Ephesians 5. This is, IMO, emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse. I will be interested to see how he defends this.
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 I have never felt so bad about being mixed (black and white) until I married him. He makes me feel like a second-class citizen because of it. That is very sad. No-one should be made to feel like a second class citizen and especially not by their spouse. 1
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Anyone can use verses out of context to prove their point, and that is what he is doing. He needs to study his part of Ephesians 5. This is, IMO, emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse. I will be interested to see how he defends this. Also what I have said. He hasn't ever read the entire Bible (just knows what he hears at church occasionally and what I have read to him). He doesn't really know the ins and outs... just flings around a few Bible verses that he has heard or googled to prove a point.
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 That is very sad. No-one should be made to feel like a second class citizen and especially not by their spouse. This is part of why I have so much anger and can't seem to let it go. 2
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) I don't think he is going to respond. I bet he is sitting there at work thinking this is like "Diary of a Mad Black Woman". I don't even look black (not that it would matter if I did), but that is all he sees and he doesn't like black people. Edited July 24, 2015 by HannahRose
autumnnight Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 I don't think he is going to respond. I bet he is sitting there at work thinking this is like "Diary of a Mad Black Woman". I don't even look black (not that it would matter if I did), but that is all he sees and he doesn't like black people. I think that now that more is coming out, he likely won't respond. In the beginning, when you just seemed angry about videos, it was easy to try to spin you as a whacky woman. Now that we know more...not so much. And it would probably be pretty hard for any poster on here to spin a reason it is acceptable for a man to call his wife a N. This makes me so sad. 1
KalmOne Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Anyone can use verses out of context to prove their point, and that is what he is doing. He needs to study his part of Ephesians 5. This is, IMO, emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse. I will be interested to see how he defends this. This is a very combative relationship. I have said things that were hurtful just as much as she has. I do say she should forgive and I do ask for forgiveness something she never has done. I am called a faggot and told that I am gay or that my wife needs a real man. All just as hurtful as anything I have said. I do not need to defend anything I have done most have been in the heat of an argument and at least I feel bad enough to apologize and ask for forgiveness. I am told i am not a real Christian and the list goes on and on. Yes we fight. I am pretty sure that has been demonstrated her already. This thread was about me watching a youtube video to help me sleep. Then everyone helped mediate a resolution that I thought would help. Last night from the moment I got home I knew i was just being setup so my wife could come back on here to bash me but I still hoped we could try so i went along with it. My wife is not pleasant to me and hasn't been for a long time. I have been very mean and hateful as well. I am not here to point fingers and I really don't want to defend myself or make excuses. I want to resolve my problems and I actually think this website/forum can help as a type of mediator. At least I did. My wife told me that several people are PMing her and mocking me which isn't really helping anything. If you have constructive criticism please speak up if you just want to point out how broken our marriage please keep it to yourself. I am well aware and I am sure my wife is well aware of how bad it is. Thanks,
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 I think that now that more is coming out, he likely won't respond. In the beginning, when you just seemed angry about videos, it was easy to try to spin you as a whacky woman. Now that we know more...not so much. And it would probably be pretty hard for any poster on here to spin a reason it is acceptable for a man to call his wife a N. This makes me so sad. And you know what? It makes me more sad than you could even imagine and it's why I just keep the angry exterior up. If I really sit back and let go of that anger, all I can do is cry from the pain I feel inside. Or sometimes, like last night, I can let the anger go and feel hopeful... I sat on the couch like an idiot waiting and hoping he would come home and we could actually try to make the marriage work, and then I was just seriously disappointed. I cried during my jog last night, and by the time I got back home, I had put the angry exterior back up. Pathetic, isn't it?
Keenly Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Well, I don't see this getting any better given the current dynamic going on. One person gave up, and the other person points fingers in only one direction. How long must you both be miserable before you figure out it might be a good idea to consider separating? How long do your kids have to be subjected to you two behaving like this?
Keenly Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 And you know what? It makes me more sad than you could even imagine and it's why I just keep the angry exterior up. If I really sit back and let go of that anger, all I can do is cry from the pain I feel inside. Or sometimes, like last night, I can let the anger go and feel hopeful... I sat on the couch like an idiot waiting and hoping he would come home and we could actually try to make the marriage work, and then I was just seriously disappointed. I cried during my jog last night, and by the time I got back home, I had put the angry exterior back up. Pathetic, isn't it? So you didn't let go of your anger like you keep saying. You pretended to to make yourself sound good.
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 I knew it. I knew I would be blamed for calling some other bad word. None of this is going to end. It's not going to end because you don't realize you are the head of the household and you are the one who is supposed to be the leader. That doesn't mean rule with an iron fist. It means to lead with kindness and love. It means to give yourself up for your wife, as Christ gave himself up for the church. You've already been told this, but you refuse to listen because you don't want to go first, or whatever silly reasons you have. It is YOUR DUTY to treat me with love and kindness. With patience and understanding. I bet if you did, you would notice a change out of me... yet, you just put it all in my lap over and over again and say I need to forgive you repeatedly. This is not right. I'll pray for you, but until you can get it in your mind that you are the one who is supposed to lead, I don't know what else to say here. We are at an impasse.
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 So you didn't let go of your anger like you keep saying. You pretended to to make yourself sound good. I said I let go of the anger before he got home, only to be hurt when he got here and played mind games... so back up it went. I can't argue with two of you, so...
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Well, I don't see this getting any better given the current dynamic going on. One person gave up, and the other person points fingers in only one direction. How long must you both be miserable before you figure out it might be a good idea to consider separating? How long do your kids have to be subjected to you two behaving like this? You are right, here. We are miserable and it's obviously not changing. It is time to throw the towel in.
hotgurl Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 I knew it. I knew I would be blamed for calling some other bad word. None of this is going to end. It's not going to end because you don't realize you are the head of the household and you are the one who is supposed to be the leader. That doesn't mean rule with an iron fist. It means to lead with kindness and love. It means to give yourself up for your wife, as Christ gave himself up for the church. You've already been told this, but you refuse to listen because you don't want to go first, or whatever silly reasons you have. It is YOUR DUTY to treat me with love and kindness. With patience and understanding. I bet if you did, you would notice a change out of me... yet, you just put it all in my lap over and over again and say I need to forgive you repeatedly. This is not right. I'll pray for you, but until you can get it in your mind that you are the one who is supposed to lead, I don't know what else to say here. We are at an impasse. You shouldn't call your husband names and he shouldn't call you names. It is abusive. You are both being abusive to each other. You are both at fault for the awful state of your marriage. You are both wrong, so wrong. You are both responsible to either fix it or leave. Do you think this is a healthy dynamic for your kids? Do you argue like this in front of them? Do you want them to grow up thinking this is what a marriage should look like? 1
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 You shouldn't call your husband names and he shouldn't call you names. It is abusive. You are both being abusive to each other. You are both at fault for the awful state of your marriage. You are both wrong, so wrong. You are both responsible to either fix it or leave. Do you think this is a healthy dynamic for your kids? Do you argue like this in front of them? Do you want them to grow up thinking this is what a marriage should look like? Yes, I realize I should not call names. At the very least, we do not argue in front of the children. I'm just tired at this point. I don't want to have to argue with him and then argue with everyone on here.
KalmOne Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 You shouldn't call your husband names and he shouldn't call you names. It is abusive. You are both being abusive to each other. You are both at fault for the awful state of your marriage. You are both wrong, so wrong. You are both responsible to either fix it or leave. Do you think this is a healthy dynamic for your kids? Do you argue like this in front of them? Do you want them to grow up thinking this is what a marriage should look like? No we don't fight in front of the kids but you have a very good point. I would never want my son to treat his wife like I do or my daughter to treat her husband like I am treated.
Keenly Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Yes, I realize I should not call names. At the very least, we do not argue in front of the children. I'm just tired at this point. I don't want to have to argue with him and then argue with everyone on here. Then make changes to see the arguments go away. Make the changes you want to see.
Author HannahRose Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Then make changes to see the arguments go away. Make the changes you want to see. Why do you keep telling me stuff, but not him? How do I make the changes I want to see if they don't even apply to me? I'm trying to exercise so he will, but he doesn't want to.
Keenly Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Why do you keep telling me stuff, but not him? How do I make the changes I want to see if they don't even apply to me? I'm trying to exercise so he will, but he doesn't want to. The reason I keep getting on you and not him is because he is showing more of a desire for change and compromise, while you only seem to be posting what you perceive is his doing wrong, and a lot of it, but when asked what effort you will be putting in, what about yourself that you need to change, or what things you are doing that are causing the.Marriage to sink, you responded with nothing. I am not seeing a willingness to change, any flexibility, or at acceptance of personal responsibility for the things you have done or not done to arrive at this position. I just see you saying him.him him it's his fault. In order for this to work, you are going to need to put in an equal amount of effort, and it's up to you to be the bigger person whenever something happens that runs you the wrong way. Stop riding your husband's back like a workhorse, and start working on yourself. Before you start throwing stones, make sure YOU have your stuff in order. Same goes for Him. Work on yourselves before making demands of your partner.
KalmOne Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) The reason I keep getting on you and not him is because he is showing more of a desire for change and compromise, while you only seem to be posting what you perceive is his doing wrong, and a lot of it, but when asked what effort you will be putting in, what about yourself that you need to change, or what things you are doing that are causing the.Marriage to sink, you responded with nothing. I am not seeing a willingness to change, any flexibility, or at acceptance of personal responsibility for the things you have done or not done to arrive at this position. I just see you saying him.him him it's his fault. In order for this to work, you are going to need to put in an equal amount of effort, and it's up to you to be the bigger person whenever something happens that runs you the wrong way. Stop riding your husband's back like a workhorse, and start working on yourself. Before you start throwing stones, make sure YOU have your stuff in order. Same goes for Him. Work on yourselves before making demands of your partner. Yes we both need to take steps to reach a resolution. Edited July 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator crude~T
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