Husband watches massage videos

[HannahRose]

The reason I keep getting on you and not him is because he is showing more of a desire for change and compromise, while you only seem to be posting what you perceive is his doing wrong, and a lot of it, but when asked what effort you will be putting in, what about yourself that you need to change, or what things you are doing that are causing the.Marriage to sink, you responded with nothing.

 

I am not seeing a willingness to change, any flexibility, or at acceptance of personal responsibility for the things you have done or not done to arrive at this position. I just see you saying him.him him it's his fault.

 

 

In order for this to work, you are going to need to put in an equal amount of effort, and it's up to you to be the bigger person whenever something happens that runs you the wrong way. Stop riding your husband's back like a workhorse, and start working on yourself. Before you start throwing stones, make sure YOU have your stuff in order.

 

Same goes for Him. Work on yourselves before making demands of your partner.

 

The part you are missing is that he just says what is expected of him, but then doesn't follow through. Then, just expects repeated forgiveness when he refuses to stop doing the terrible behavior.

[Keenly]

Stop talking like that at work! OMG.

 

 

You just do stuff to get reactions out of me.

 

A harmless joke attempting to disarm the situation.

 

 

Do you do this often KalmOne? HannahRose, do you often find yourself scolding your husband for making a joke? Or do you scold him like that all the time? It's pretty deafening and comes across as talking down to him.

[Keenly]

The part you are missing is that he just says what is expected of him, but then doesn't follow through. Then, just expects repeated forgiveness when he refuses to stop doing the terrible behavior.

 

You're doing it again. I said work on you, and you're placing blame on him.

[HannahRose]

A harmless joke attempting to disarm the situation.

 

 

Do you do this often KalmOne? HannahRose, do you often find yourself scolding your husband for making a joke? Or do you scold him like that all the time? It's pretty deafening and comes across as talking down to him.

 

But he is at work, and I am truly concerned that his boss will see and fire him.

[HannahRose]

You're doing it again. I said work on you, and you're placing blame on him.

 

And you are just shutting me up and telling me to take it like a good girl.

[Keenly]

But he is at work, and I am truly concerned that his boss will see and fire him.

 

You are the stay at home mom. He is the one at work. Let him worry about work, and you worry about home. No more trying to police his actions while you aren't even there with him.

[HannahRose]

You are the stay at home mom. He is the one at work. Let him worry about work, and you worry about home. No more trying to police his actions while you aren't even there with him.

 

Oh, the lowly SAHM stance.

[Keenly]

And you are just shutting me up and telling me to take it like a good girl.

 

No, you're not listening. Introspection is what you need. Think back on every bad thing that's ever made you angry about this marriage and ask yourself, what could I have done or not done in order to prevent that situation from getting out of hand. What actions would you change?

 

 

All you can change is yourself. Stop demanding the change you aren't willing to make inside yourself. If you want change, YOU need to change and then you can wait and see if he follows.

[KalmOne]

But he is at work, and I am truly concerned that his boss will see and fire him.

 

My boss would laugh.

 

I know you are in mommy mode 24/7 but you should restrain yourself with me.

[HannahRose]

No, you're not listening. Introspection is what you need. Think back on every bad thing that's ever made you angry about this marriage and ask yourself, what could I have done or not done in order to prevent that situation from getting out of hand. What actions would you change?

 

 

All you can change is yourself. Stop demanding the change you aren't willing to make inside yourself. If you want change, YOU need to change and then you can wait and see if he follows.

 

Nah, I'll let him "be the man" and go first.

 

I didn't do anything to cause him to call me the N word. That is blaming the victim.

[Keenly]

Oh, the lowly SAHM stance.

 

You are playing victim an awful lot. That's not the point of what I said and you know it isn't. You are twisting my intentions to make yourself out to be the victim.

 

 

I'm saying stop.mothering him. You're condescending to him and emasculated him by doing that.

 

When you try and police his actions, he stops caring. This is how mens minds and emotions work. We want a partner, not a mother..

[HannahRose]

My boss would laugh.

 

I know you are in mommy mode 24/7 but you should restrain yourself with me.

 

Obviously, if I don't tell you what to do, it won't get done. Like the trash left where the toddler could get it instead of being taken outside.

 

Here goes all the stupid arguing again.

[Keenly]

Nah, I'll let him "be the man" and go first.

 

I didn't do anything to cause him to call me the N word. That is blaming the victim.

 

Okay then have fun. You don't want change. You aren't willing to put in the effort necessary for a good marriage, so have fun being miserable.

[HannahRose]

You are playing victim an awful lot. That's not the point of what I said and you know it isn't. You are twisting my intentions to make yourself out to be the victim.

 

 

I'm saying stop.mothering him. You're condescending to him and emasculated him by doing that.

 

When you try and police his actions, he stops caring. This is how mens minds and emotions work. We want a partner, not a mother..

 

Then do stuff on your own without having to be told! How hard is that? It's obvious the trash needs to go out, so take it without having to be told. Don't make life harder for someone else.

[Keenly]

Obviously, if I don't tell you what to do, it won't get done. Like the trash left where the toddler could get it instead of being taken outside.

 

Here goes all the stupid arguing again.

 

Arguments you are starting. And not accepting any responsibility for.

 

Why can't you see that you are the source of negativity here? This entire thread is all negative negative negative, but you haven't once acknowledged that your behavior is feeding into the toxicity you are complaining about.

[autumnnight]

I would suspect that nothing Kalm does or says is going to change Hannah

 

And nothing Hannah says or does is going to change Kalm

 

And this dynamic has been going on so long, it won't be fixed in a week, and the progress will not be a straight line.

 

So I have a question:

 

Could each of you buy the book, Lovebusters, by Harley (who is a Christian), and resolve for the next 3 months to concentrate ONLY on your own side of the street? No deflecting by pointing out the other's shortcomings. Each of you ask God to help YOU to improve YOU.

 

Knowing you each will fail, knowing it will be hard, knowing you will still be angry at times.

 

I bet if you worked on your own issues with no blameshifting for 3 months solid, you would start to see improvements. And maybe that would motivate you to do more.

[HannahRose]

Okay then have fun. You don't want change. You aren't willing to put in the effort necessary for a good marriage, so have fun being miserable.

 

I notice you still aren't telling him a darned thing. All you are doing is patting him on the back and telling me how to be a good wife.

[HannahRose]

I would suspect that nothing Kalm does or says is going to change Hannah

 

And nothing Hannah says or does is going to change Kalm

 

And this dynamic has been going on so long, it won't be fixed in a week, and the progress will not be a straight line.

 

So I have a question:

 

Could each of you buy the book, Lovebusters, by Harley (who is a Christian), and resolve for the next 3 months to concentrate ONLY on your own side of the street? No deflecting by pointing out the other's shortcomings. Each of you ask God to help YOU to improve YOU.

 

Knowing you each will fail, knowing it will be hard, knowing you will still be angry at times.

 

I bet if you worked on your own issues with no blameshifting for 3 months solid, you would start to see improvements. And maybe that would motivate you to do more.

 

I'm not sure I can even respond to this without it sounding like I am blaming, but I will try.

 

We have bought and tried several books to no avail.

 

We are 100% hopeless.

[Keenly]

I notice you still aren't telling him a darned thing. All you are doing is patting him on the back and telling me how to be a good wife.

 

I'm trying to explain to you that you are shooting yourself in the foot and getting angry at the gun manufacturer.

[HannahRose]

Arguments you are starting. And not accepting any responsibility for.

 

Why can't you see that you are the source of negativity here? This entire thread is all negative negative negative, but you haven't once acknowledged that your behavior is feeding into the toxicity you are complaining about.

 

I told you he is being fake. FAKE. This is not how he is. He knows exactly what he is doing and has admitted he does stuff to get reactions out of me. He plays games. ALL THE TIME.

[HannahRose]

I'm trying to explain to you that you are shooting yourself in the foot and getting angry at the gun manufacturer.

 

Sigh. Okay, you just aren't getting me.

[Keenly]

I told you he is being fake. FAKE. This is not how he is. He knows exactly what he is doing and has admitted he does stuff to get reactions out of me. He plays games. ALL THE TIME.

 

You are shifting blame again. I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about you. And you are pointing the finger at him again. Everything I'm saying is based on whatnot have posted. Your behavior, your attitude. Those are not his fault, they are your actions and only you control them.

 

 

If you won't get help, you won't loosest what you need to change because you think you don't need to, and you won't divorce, I'm not really sure what you want from Us. Or anyone for that matter

[xxoo]

Hannah, woman to woman, you can not expect a man to lead and then also tell him what to do.

 

My relationship is not based on leadership (we both lead), and I still avoid putting myself in "mommy" role regarding my husband because that is the surest way to guarantee he never grows up and acts like a man.

 

I'm not saying you should trust him to lead. I honestly don't think you should, considering some of what has been said on here. He calls you racial slurs, and I assume your children are the same race as you? He needs to grow up. As do you.

 

If you lead, he may follow.

 

You need to focus on independence. Stop focusing on him and his internet usage, where he sleeps, etc. Take the lead and get childcare, get a job, and get independent. He'll either shape up or he won't, but either way you'll be in a better position. And for goodness sake, use birth control. No more pregnancies.

[HannahRose]

You are shifting blame again. I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about you. And you are pointing the finger at him again. Everything I'm saying is based on whatnot have posted. Your behavior, your attitude. Those are not his fault, they are your actions and only you control them.

 

 

If you won't get help, you won't loosest what you need to change because you think you don't need to, and you won't divorce, I'm not really sure what you want from Us. Or anyone for that matter

 

I guess I don't want anything then.

 

You have totally missed that I have TRIED over the years to just keep forgiving and getting more of the awful behavior over and over again until I just can't deal with it anymore. I was asking for help just to see if a divorce could be avoided.

 

But, you know what? I know I have a bad attitude, but the way he has treated me is very, very wrong and this is just me not accepting it anymore. I'm done! I'm not going to be called the n word by my husband and then have to forgive him and go sleep with him because he apologized and I better be the good little wife and forgive him and meet his physical needs on top of it. How degrading is that??

[autumnnight]

I'm not sure I can even respond to this without it sounding like I am blaming, but I will try.

 

We have bought and tried several books to no avail.

 

We are 100% hopeless.

 

Maybe a recent experience has colored my view....

 

I have a dear friend who, 5 years ago, hated her husband. She kinda had good reason. And though I love her, I kinda understood why he was at the end of his rope too. They hated each other, and anyone who knew them really well wished they would just divorce and get it over with. BUT they both felt it would be a sin to divorce for any reason except unrepentant adultery (cause if the WS repents then you should still take them back blah blah).

 

So with rolling eyes and a buttload of skepticism, they began a program. It doesn't much matter which one, except this one was founded on actual in-context Biblical principles and on examining oneself and caring for the other person. It was like a chore at first.

 

In the last few days the photos of their vow renewal has been all over my FB feed, and their comments are so lovey dovey it is almost diabetes-inducing

 

NO ONE expected them to stay married, much less be in love again.