Here's a thought....

[E-Heart]

We, the OW/OM always ask one another: "Why would you want to be with a cheater? He's cheating on his wife...he will cheat on you!"

 

My affair started when I was still married and I made it last 1.5 years before finally leaving my husband. What makes me better than anyone else?

 

I know that I learned from my mistakes and I never want to go through that again! Why can't MM/MW be the same when they finally leave their wife/husband?

[Sassy Girl]

Because they've rarely done the introspection required to fix within themselves what made them cheat in the first place.

 

Simply removing yourself from the marriage does not guarantee you won't make the same mistakes again. That only comes with growth.

[MissBee]

I don't think once a cheater always a cheater. Of course someone can learn from their mistakes.

 

I think why people might say that is so that the OW/OM are critical of the MP and aren't just looking at them with doting eyes and automatically making themselves an exception without any evidence that they will be. I think it's human nature for us to discount risk and think "It won't happen to me" and I think many OW/OM just automatically think that this is just a one time thing and that if they are with them all will instantly be well....and this is foolhardy. They might be an exception or they may not be....the point is how will you know unless you look, listen, watch carefully and don't just enter the affair with this as your default belief. That's probably why people say it. It's very very common in affairs that OW/OM end up finding out that some truths were omitted, that they only heard one side, sometimes the MP has cheated before, sometimes lies are directly told and because most affairs are secret and include at the least limited access to the whole of your lover's life, people try to err OW/OM on the side of doling out trust carefully, being cautious and being critical and being open to things not always being as they seem and questioning their character and why they're cheating instead of immediately rationalizing it away.

 

I think it's also normal when people know of someone who is with someone exhibiting what is agreed on isn't stellar behave that they feel worrisome about it and want to warn the person to at least be careful and to at least check it as a yellow flag to be watchful of and not just dismiss it immediately. For example, if your friend is dating a career thief and say met this person and bonded incidentally as she was booking him in for his crime how would you react? If she starts living with this guy or says she's going to be opening a business with him, most folks would be like look...be careful! It is of course possible that this guy only steals from people he doesn't care about and would never steal or bamboozle her but most people would see it wise that the friend look at his overall character and be careful and not just assume she is the exception. If through time he never steals from her or changes his ways, great, but if he is currently a thief, you'd be remiss to just by default assume he won't do it to you when you currently have no evidence for it besides the fact that you're all giddy and head over heels so naturally just discount risk.

 

 

It's not that you should believe they will lie and cheat if you're with them but that you look for the evidence, demand that they are critical of their choice to have an affair, demand you go to couple's counseling should you end up together, and be PROACTIVE in terms of making sure they have in fact learned from their mistakes instead of blindly assuming they have or will.

Edited July 23, 2015 by MissBee

[cocorico]

 

I know that I learned from my mistakes and I never want to go through that again! Why can't MM/MW be the same when they finally leave their wife/husband?

 

Certainly they can, and many of them do. My H is a case in point, as are many of the other fMM now happily married to fOW who post here (and those who used to post here, but have since moved on).

 

While it's true that some MMs, and some MWs, use As to self-medicate so that they can survive toxic / bad / tedious Ms, and are prone to reoffend if one A ends and nothing has changed on the M front, there are many others who land up in As for many other reasons. There is a whole body of literature analysing different types of As based on why the WS engages, and the likelihood of them having another A, and the "risk" that each presents to the survival of the M.

 

And, just as a BW who chooses to remain with a WS after DDay has to make an informed choice about the commitment to the M, and thus the likelihood of any future infidelity, on the part of the WS, so an AP choosing to embark on a FTR with a fMM/ fMW who has left the xBS needs to make a similar choice based on similar indicators. Some look at their fMM and decide it's not worth the risk / he's not that great a guy anyway, while others of us knew that the A was an anomaly in otherwise impeccable values and behaviour, had great Rs based on mutual respect and complete honesty, and knew it was too good a chance to miss.

 

Each case is different, because each involves different people, and different conditions. It's hard to predict one outcome based on any other. You need to look at all the evidence from all sources in your own case, and make the most informed decision you can based on that.