Why is it possible they (the EX) can move on so fast?

[BlackGoaty]

I broke up with ex 2 months ago, yes, I'm the dumper, but, after all the analysing that I had, I felt that, I only said out the words for her, so theoretically, I'm the dumper and practically, she's the one that "dumped" me way before I said it out I guess. We were together for 3 over years, dated for 6 months (both of us were recovering from a breakup and I insisted on dating for a longer period of time before fully comitting ourselves) and officially got together when one fine day she said, its now or never. So we officially got together after 6 months of dating.

 

 

Our first two years together was great except for the past year where I was resolving family issues, work problems and spent less quality time with her, the sex went down the hill too as I was too caught up with so many problems and everything just went downhill from there. I was also at a cross road where I don't know what I want in life, to move on, work issues etc and I was so exhausted from all of it, I needed my space and time, so I retreated into my own world. However, that doesnt mean I don't love her anymore. Of course, we still did couple's stuff, meeting up, movies, chatting everyday, going on holiday every 2-3 months but the sparks is no longer there cos' I really wasnt there in the relationship. We had 2 near breakups during the year but it was all resolved by talking about it and saying that we both agreed to put in more efforts and yet I didnt put in any effort at all and she did what she could until both of us were so distanced from each other. We may be seeing each other very often but you know...the hearts are distanced. Being ever sensitive and intuitive guy that I am, I broke up with her when I found out she has been going out with this guy and I could sense that I have lost her already then.

 

 

You know...the usual emotions and heartache after a breakup, I called her the next day and wanted to have another chance to make our relationship work again. However, she was really angry and told me she's very numbed and would want to be left alone for the time being and she's happy for now being alone and with her friends. I swallowed my ego and pride and begged and cried for her to give me another chance but she wouldnt hear of it. So I went into NC and broke it a few times.

 

I broke NC a week ago to chat with her on NC. Just saying hi and ask if she would be free for coffee a week or so later (she replied that she will do a raincheck on that as she have lessons at school, we had a chance to catch up but I blew it!). We had a nice convo but temptation got the better of me and with all her profile on friendster and weblog that she seems to have someone new in her life. So I asked her if she's seeing someone now. Everything came crashing down.

 

Here's a part of the dialogue she said to me:

 

- Its great to find someone who could give me what I wanted. It's all very simple, but sometimes its hard to find.

 

- I don't know what to say BG, but im like so happy with my life now. Whatever it was/is between us, I think its a good lesson for both of us.

 

- heh...whatever it is.. just remember to treasure what you have and treasure the person next to you. Only by losing something precious, you then realise your mistakes. Sometimes it's too late to mend any broken pieces. Not any girl will have the patience.

 

- You should always treasure and show the person you love @ that moment, NOT realising it after you lose her. So sorry, but I have never felt that way with you...for the last 1/2 yr to me, I was attached for 2 yrs, and single for the last year. End of the day, all a girl wants is a sense of security, someone to protect her. I totally have zero feelings.

 

- Like i said, i wanted simple stuff from a relationship > Sense of security. It feels f^&king good to go shopping and know that nobody can bully/pick you up cos a lover is beside you protecting you.

 

- I hope you understand what i mean. It's the thing of 'totally belonging to someone" someone's property or whatever you call it. One entity. Not being by yourself ALL THE TIME. Not going out with your friends and thinking that you have a better time with them because yr friends will give you more attention.

 

- Whatever it is, i hope you will treasure your next girlfriend more. and learn some lessons.. and know what to avoid. oh well, move on. Life still has to go on.

 

So our convo ended with me saying:

 

I guess i wont be seeing you around then. Well, here's the song for you in your mailbox (A song by Chicago Look Away). I'm giving my blessings to both of you. Wishing you and him happy always.

 

I know from the convo, she thinks that its all my fault for neglecting her, I guess its easier this way. I know she still care for me, maybe in a friend way as she asked me How am I feeling these days. I know the right thing to do is to continue with NC, perhaps I just need more encouragement and advice or whatever to knock me off my senses. I know I cannot maintain a friendship with her now, but at the same, I really want to be a friend and still be in her life. I know 2 months is not long compared to some others or even yourself...but sigh....just kinda lost track cos im missing her alot now.

 

 

I read No Foolin's advice on past behaviour, I think it is so true. 3 years of relationship and she was able to move on to someone new in less than a weeks' time. In her previous relationship, she 'broke' off with the ex 6 months prior to officially breaking up which was when she met me. So now im in the ex's shoes.

 

Any comments? I would love to hear your comments as this is what gets me through for the last 2 months. Some female's perspective would be great too for me to understand why my ex could move on so fast.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why is it possible they (the EX) can move on so fast?

 

Because when people are hurt, they tend to look toward partners they think won't hurt them and will fulfill what they want from a relationship and when they find someone new they map all these qualities onto them (qualities which are a mix of the positive one's of the dumper's and ones that are opposite of the dumper's bad ones) - even if the person doesn't have those qualities.

 

Its not the 'new guy' she is in love with after such a short time, so much as its what this 'new guy' represents, and she's in love with the ideal version of him she created out of wishful thinking in reaction to you. Its hard to fall hard for someone who has every quality you are looking for, especially when those qualities are exactly the opposite of an ex's - unfortunately, a good deal of those qualities are imagined in an effort to speed up the healing process, but its pretty rare for people to realize that 90% of what they attribute to a 'new love' is entirely made up of some illusion of what you want that person to be for you.

 

What determines if the 'new guy' works out? It depends on how she sees the guy after the smoke and mirrors drop. If it turns out she genuinely likes the guy, the relationship will be longer and difficult as she will still be faced with the unresolved issues of being dumped when the infatuation with him wears off. If the smoke and mirrors drop and it turns out that she sees the relationship for what it was: wishful thinking, then she's likely to do one of two things. Revert to the ex out of a fear of being alone, or put a hiatus on dating - period - until she can put her heart and head back together.

[2late]

BG,

Reading your post really hit home with me. You and I were in very similar situations and the outcomes are pretty much the same

 

In short, I was in a 3.5 yr relationship, I never was really content, didnt see what I had, broke up with her a couple times, and in the end she had enough and left me. The demise of the relationship was somewhat caused by my actions but it was more of the straw that broke the camels back. Like you I swallowed my pride, begged and pleaded to no avail. Now 5 months later I am seeing a little clearer.

 

I also had the "pleasure" of finding out my ex moved on rather quickly. In my opinion people try to mask the pain by replacing the void left by you with something new. I struggled for a while with this and i am sure you are doing the same but the best thing you can do is to worry about yourself. Keep up no contact. Dont slip because if you are anything like me it will send you into a tail spin. Ignorance is bliss, you dont want to know!

 

I am going to use a saying that I hate, but am starting to believe, "everything happens for a reason." I look back and realize that if she didnt end it my attitude would have never changed. Yes it is a catch 22 but hopefully someday I can use what i learned from that relationship and apply it to make a better relationship. I know everything feels shyty right now but the pain does dull if you keep NC and just concentrate on yourself you will begin to forget/move on.

 

Hope this helps. Stay strong and good luck, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[xxsilverdragonxx]

I saw some common things in your post, and would be happy to give you details about my situation.

 

I was with my ex for about 1.3 years, and the last few months of it, we basically drifted farther apart. Looking back, I don't think there was anything I could have done that would have saved it, except for leaving myself to give both of us time to sort things out.

 

When she finally broke up with me, I knew it was because the very night before she had made the decision to sleep with my replacement. She didn't have to tell me this the next day, I just knew. So here's what I came up with.

 

When our relationship started going bonkers, or "in a rut" so to speak, I saw the way she reacted to me had changed, almost drastically. I regret not trying to fix things when I had the chance, but I don't know if that would have helped.

 

Months before we broke up, I think she had it in her mind on moving to the next. I think most women do this in relationships. They will become cold and distant, but will still seem to want to be with you. Then bam!, she drops the bomb, and most guys, including myself, think this is a sudden thing, whereas she was probably thinking about dropping them way before. This explains to me why it seems they move on so fast, because they have had more time to think about the end, while us guys are wondering, "why the hell is she acting this way?"

 

Thats what I learned, hope this gives some insight.

[WhereSpiritsRoam]

Originally posted by xxsilverdragonxx

They will become cold and distant, but will still seem to want to be with you. Then bam!, she drops the bomb, and most guys, including myself, think this is a sudden thing, whereas she was probably thinking about dropping them way before. This explains to me why it seems they move on so fast, because they have had more time to think about the end, while us guys are wondering, "why the hell is she acting this way?"

 

Precisely. It seems sudden, but in their mind, they have already emotionally detached themselves from you quite a bit. Their "fall" isn't nearly as hard and is often eased by the prospect of a new, hopefully better person on the horizon.

[my_manda]

I have been the one who was walked all over, and though you do not want to hear this......I wish I were in her shoes, as I have not met anyone yet. It seems to me that the woman you spent time with was very strong. She would not let you come back over and over and she knows her needs and that if you will not meet them someone will. I feel bad that you hurt......BUT I also feel like you are being casual about how you spent months treating her. Your ex, though this may be a far harsher reply than you want to hear......IS RIGHT! You need to work on yourself right now, and it seems that she was having time to work on herself when you were neglecting her. She is also right that you can learn from this experience. I know you want her back, but right now, it is not meant to be, and it seems that it might never be. I am sorry and wish you did not hurt or feel slighted by her moving on, but maybe, based on how you treated her and all the drama you brought into your relationship, she feels like she had no choice, and felt that she should open up her heart and see what else was out there. Learn from this and move on, if you two are meant to be, the one day, when the newness wears off with her new one, things can work out.

 

 

[BlackGoaty]

my_manda - For the last two months, I have been working hard for myself, on myself, improving myself, working out the issues without feeling the guilt all the time and somehow, I seem to be able to see the light at the tunnel when I broke up with her as each day passes by. I would not give anything in the world to be in her shoes, i.e. finding someone new in replacement of her. One of many joys in life is to experience all kinds of emotions. It enriches our lives, makes us strong (What doesnt break you, makes you stronger!). I know it sound really silly to want to experience sadness, grief, anger, desperation but that's what life is all about. If we had never failed in life before, we don't push ourselves harder to do better. Perhaps she was sapping away my energy, taking too much away from me. I do not hurt as much as I was in the first two weeks. Some days, there are down times here and there but mostly seeking questions to understand what went wrong, so I can improve on myself for the next relationship. I agree that what's yours will be yours one day. I believe in fate & destiny. That's how we met one another which will go into a long story which I rather not go into in this thread (ahhhh! Perhaps in a "How you met your ex/current gf/bf" thread.)

 

 

 

xxsilverdragonxx - Yeah, you are right, even if we had realised it then and tried to make it work, I wouldn't think it will work out either. I believe when both are in a relationship, communication is very crucial. When it breaks down, everything breaks down. However, when I mean communication, its not just ALL TALK BUT NO ACTION. My ex, and possibly your ex, when they go into a relationship, they have expectations or what you call it, a list of criterias their partners must fufill to meet their needs. When their needs are not met along the way, they will seek someone new to fulfill what is missing in their list. However, IMO, a relationship does not work this way. We must give and take. Sometimes when we go into our own space to work out our problems/issues or that time alone, we want to be left alone. If they they do need it, we respect that and leave them to sort out their thinking. (however, seems that most women do not work this way. Read Allan Pease/ John Gray's books and you will understand why).

 

 

 

2late - I can't agree more with you. If they moved on too quickly without realising what had went wrong in the relationship they had just broke up, then they are setting themselves up for another failure in their future relationships. That's where they say, "History always repeat itself", if you can learn from past history, then learn, improve yourself and change. Know that its never one person's fault when a relationship breaks down. It takes two hands to clap. A healthy relationship is always a give and take state, however when our ex is always taking and not giving, when their needs are not met, they leave because they have got nothing to offer to us at the end of the day.

 

 

 

LucreziaBorgia - Great insights! I also believe one's family dynamics and how we were brought up plays a huge part in the way we behave in our relationships. If we can understand these dynamics, I'm sure things can work out in a relationship. Another reason could be, afterall, like most of my friends said, she's still young (my ex is 22 and I'm 26). We have different priorities in life. I'm working and she's still in university.

 

 

 

I know this may sound cliche, but time really does HEALL ALL WOUNDS. I'm getting better each day, yes, I'm strictly keeping to NC and the more I realised things, at the end of the day, I love her very much but I have to set her free and if there's a slightest chance of getting back, I would rather leave it as it is now, broken up. We need to find someone who is on the same level as us, who will be able to give and take, of course to be able to give when we need it.

[No Foolin]

I have an easy answer to your question BlackGoaty.

 

Because they can............................

 

Question is: What are you prepared to do about you?

 

There will always be questions, to answers we will never find; this we cannot control. What we can control is how we decide to handle this crisis. Its the only real choice you have. Builds character and defines us. Congrats your a free man. Make the most of it brother.

 

 

No Foolin