Learning to love...

[Gloria25]

Does anyone wanna share/discuss the moment where they learned to love another person romantically? And, well, I sorta picked up my definition of true love as "awe, admiration, respect", so, if you want, you don't have to mention your first "true" love, but when you actually cared and/or "felt" you loved another person when you never felt like that?

 

My story (well sorta)...

 

I grew up in a dysfunctional childhood. Dad was barely there, parents never married, and when dad was around, all he did was beat on us and insult us. I felt like we were unlovable "burdens" to him.

 

About my mum, it was like she was our "roommate"...she did work, clothe, feed, and bathe us (get my point), but there was no real "bonding" and/or emotional connection like mother to child. One day, she just stopped working, cleaning, etc and just walked around depressed. I felt like she wanted out and felt "trapped".

 

Over all, I think they were both selfish people...she wanted "him" at all costs and he didn't want her or us...After a while, we simply became resources to provide food and a roof over their heads cuz they f-d up their lives.

 

That left me with an underlying "hate" for men - yet, still a desire to be wanted. My relationships (especially early ones) were a push-pull of me wanting to protect my wallet and heart, and fear of being rejected vs trying too hard cuz I wanted to make up for my independence and pushing men away.

 

I contemplated dating women and even kissed a few, but nah, if I'd get with a woman, it would be more for carnal satisfaction rather than an emotional one....But still, I've reduced

men to simple "penises" who can't do a thing for me except orgasms...

 

I also seem to pursue RLs (ie LDRs, casual things) that are "going" to end and/or I like keeping them at a distance (ie seeing them like once or twice a week, few weeks)...I guess to protect my heart from developing feelings and/or rejection.

 

I don't know if I've ever really loved a guy. I was with one dude for 6 years and I liked him a lot, but don't think it meets the definition I now have adopted as "true love (awe, admiration, respect).

 

I also just do not desire children...I'll stop someone and ask them about their dog over someone with their baby...

 

As I'm approaching 40, I have my days I think I'm irrevocably "broken", but then have days like the Pink song - where she's like 'we're not broken, but "bent", and we can learn to love again"...I don't know and part of me still hates men - especially now a days...

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I've only felt that way about 1 or 2 girls in my life,

Now they are gone, and a long ways away, it would be quite a flight.

I haven't come across another woman that I've truly fell that hard for yet,

Although, I don't make myself very available, and that's probably a factor I bet.

[S_A]

Gloria, I just want to be clear, are you asking if you can literally LEARN to love someone? So in the beginning you don't feel anything for them emotionally, but eventually you just learn to love them?

 

I don't know the answer to that and I've wondered about it a lot. I've also wondered if learned love is different than traditional love. Like, are there two different roads (one road being learned love, the other road being the traditional kind of love) that reach the same destination, so it's just the paths that are different but the end-love is the same?

 

Dunno. But I know people who have learned to romantically love.

 

Have you seen the Painted Veil with Edward Norton and Naomi Watts? I was like 21 when it came out so I don't remember it VERY well, but the movie sort of touched on that I think. Two people got married that did not genuinely love each other, but then something happened! It was an okay movie. I wouldn't watch it unless you're bored though.

 

It's too bad you hate guys.

[SammySammy]

Does anyone wanna share/discuss the moment where they learned to love another person romantically? And, well, I sorta picked up my definition of true love as "awe, admiration, respect", so, if you want, you don't have to mention your first "true" love, but when you actually cared and/or "felt" you loved another person when you never felt like that?

 

My story (well sorta)...

 

I grew up in a dysfunctional childhood. Dad was barely there, parents never married, and when dad was around, all he did was beat on us and insult us. I felt like we were unlovable "burdens" to him.

 

About my mum, it was like she was our "roommate"...she did work, clothe, feed, and bathe us (get my point), but there was no real "bonding" and/or emotional connection like mother to child. One day, she just stopped working, cleaning, etc and just walked around depressed. I felt like she wanted out and felt "trapped".

 

Over all, I think they were both selfish people...she wanted "him" at all costs and he didn't want her or us...After a while, we simply became resources to provide food and a roof over their heads cuz they f-d up their lives.

 

That left me with an underlying "hate" for men - yet, still a desire to be wanted. My relationships (especially early ones) were a push-pull of me wanting to protect my wallet and heart, and fear of being rejected vs trying too hard cuz I wanted to make up for my independence and pushing men away.

 

I contemplated dating women and even kissed a few, but nah, if I'd get with a woman, it would be more for carnal satisfaction rather than an emotional one....But still, I've reduced

men to simple "penises" who can't do a thing for me except orgasms...

 

I also seem to pursue RLs (ie LDRs, casual things) that are "going" to end and/or I like keeping them at a distance (ie seeing them like once or twice a week, few weeks)...I guess to protect my heart from developing feelings and/or rejection.

 

I don't know if I've ever really loved a guy. I was with one dude for 6 years and I liked him a lot, but don't think it meets the definition I now have adopted as "true love (awe, admiration, respect).

 

I also just do not desire children...I'll stop someone and ask them about their dog over someone with their baby...

 

As I'm approaching 40, I have my days I think I'm irrevocably "broken", but then have days like the Pink song - where she's like 'we're not broken, but "bent", and we can learn to love again"...I don't know and part of me still hates men - especially now a days...

 

Interesting.

 

I wonder if that's part of the reason you only date white men - because it feels distant and bound to end. Which wouldn't hurt as bad as a relationship with someone you had a strong ... kinship ... with.

 

To answer your question, I've loved from a very young age. I met her around 10 years old. She became my first girlfriend. The first person to break my heart. A lifelong friend. And ... eventually ... my affair partner. Though we no longer have any contact with each other.

 

I've had various other crushes also. Loved a few other women. Married one. Was engaged to a couple of others.

 

I don't think I ever "learned" to love. I just did. When I was ten, fifteen, twenty-five, thirty-five, I didn't do anything special to love the woman I was with. I just felt differently about her than I did other women. Other people. A deeper level of caring and connection. And losing them ... hurt like the dickens. I don't feel that I have a heart anymore. My heart has been ripped out, torn into shreds, set on fire and pissed on by so many women. I picked it up, dusted it off, crudely sewed it back together as well as I could and put it into this dried blood encrusted gaping maw where a heart is supposed to go. There it sits, barely beating. Hanging on.

 

But, love ... and losing love ... are not things I learned. It just ... happened. I think it could happen again if I had the will to try.

[gettingstronger]

Truly from your posts, it does not seem like its men you hate, but women- I have always sensed a bit of competition with women for you- I think you may have some insecurities and mask them with the tough girl exterior-you want to love and be loved- I think you are smart, witty and probably a lot of fun- you have a lot to offer both men and women in your life-

 

Maybe some counseling to break down those walls you have built up would be a good start- I feel like you have a lot to offer-

[Got it]

I highly recommend counseling as well. You are dealing with abandonment issues, lack of parental bonding, etc. that are very complex and deep issues that a professional needs to help guide you through.

 

While yes I had dysfunctional parents it didn't limit my ability to love and thus to be vulnerable. While there were some coping mechanisms in regards to protect myself, I was able to learn healthier skills that allowed me to be vulnerable and be okay.

 

I also agree, I think you may be more focused on repeating your relationship with your father, trying to get his approval and acceptance, and actually dislike other women/being female based on his teachings to you at a young age.

 

But that is really for a professional to help you delve into. I hope you find peace and happiness, life is so short.

[Radu]

A biiiiiig hug from me, reading your post gives a lot of inspiration because it's how i feel right now.

I have my highs and lows.

 

Does anyone wanna share/discuss the moment where they learned to love another person romantically? And, well, I sorta picked up my definition of true love as "awe, admiration, respect", so, if you want, you don't have to mention your first "true" love, but when you actually cared and/or "felt" you loved another person when you never felt like that?

I'm learning still, i am a 'watcher' and i try to analyze, then follow by example.

I joined this site originally for this purpose, to 'normalize' myself and i am also watching and analyzing ppl i know IRL.

 

To get how i am, let me tell you what my mom told me.

When i was about 1yr old, she came into the room and found me on the floor with an old fashioned lightbulb [the ones with wolfram filament].

I picked it up, looked at it, analyzed it, put it back down, and walked around it without disturbing it.

Only after i analyze something and understand it, i feel comfortable doing it.

 

My story (well sorta)...

 

I grew up in a dysfunctional childhood. Dad was barely there, parents never married, and when dad was around, all he did was beat on us and insult us. I felt like we were unlovable "burdens" to him.

 

About my mum, it was like she was our "roommate"...she did work, clothe, feed, and bathe us (get my point), but there was no real "bonding" and/or emotional connection like mother to child. One day, she just stopped working, cleaning, etc and just walked around depressed. I felt like she wanted out and felt "trapped".

 

Over all, I think they were both selfish people...she wanted "him" at all costs and he didn't want her or us...After a while, we simply became resources to provide food and a roof over their heads cuz they f-d up their lives.

 

That left me with an underlying "hate" for men - yet, still a desire to be wanted. My relationships (especially early ones) were a push-pull of me wanting to protect my wallet and heart, and fear of being rejected vs trying too hard cuz I wanted to make up for my independence and pushing men away.

I was messed up, went in some bad relationships and around the same time my dad died i saw 4 friends and family divorce in 1yr.

In one case, she just up and said 'i want divorce' and it was done in 2 months.

 

I'm a natural believer in romantic stuff, this pushed me the completely different way.

 

I contemplated dating women and even kissed a few, but nah, if I'd get with a woman, it would be more for carnal satisfaction rather than an emotional one....But still, I've reduced

men to simple "penises" who can't do a thing for me except orgasms...

Lesbian relationships have the highest probability for abuse.

 

I also seem to pursue RLs (ie LDRs, casual things) that are "going" to end and/or I like keeping them at a distance (ie seeing them like once or twice a week, few weeks)...I guess to protect my heart from developing feelings and/or rejection.

 

I don't know if I've ever really loved a guy. I was with one dude for 6 years and I liked him a lot, but don't think it meets the definition I now have adopted as "true love (awe, admiration, respect).

 

I also just do not desire children...I'll stop someone and ask them about their dog over someone with their baby...

 

As I'm approaching 40, I have my days I think I'm irrevocably "broken", but then have days like the Pink song - where she's like 'we're not broken, but "bent", and we can learn to love again"...I don't know and part of me still hates men - especially now a days...

There's someone on this board who went through much nastier stuff than either of us [a guy] and he still found his great SO later in life, and is very happy right now.

His dark moments [in threads he made] are obvious.

 

 

PS: If you like romantic comedies, i recommend 'The War between men and women' with Jack Lemon.