omg waayyy delayed DDay wow

[privategal]

I got an email today, he needs to talk to me urgently.

It was to my work email, hes never used it before.

We have been out of contact after he abruptly ended our ea.

We were friends nearly 2 decades.

When in ea we exchanged very racy photos.

He got a new laptop apparently and when transferring data to the new one he transferred old hidden photos he never deleted.

He is busted.

He told her it was all online, not physical, painted as if it were a stranger.

Told her it was meaningless, they have 2 young children.

Im horrified.

She asked him to leave, he did not but stayed in another room.

Ironically when he ended it, he never told me why exactly but we had discussions about his guilt, and I KNEW he loved his W.

He told me at one point long before ending it that we had to end that part of our friendship as there was too much risk in hurting people and he didn't want to lose his family.

We did end that portion and tried to remain friends and were successful for several months in staying platonic.

But even the just friends ended.

I feel sick for his wife, for him...

My shame is endless, it already was, and I have stayed away and moved on.

I just want to know, what is his wife going through.

What is going to happen here.

I know he turned to me because he was desperate.

But I don't know what he will face.

I forgave my spouse for a similar thing, there appeared to be nothing beyond saved photos I found in his laptop under similar circumstances a few years back.

I am wondering how often other spouses forgive and if she might believe his story and they can survive this, basically I want to know the likelihood.

He DID try and do the right thing by ending it before a d day...this was a year since we exchanged any photos but she doesn't know the true story.

He couldn't give her the true story so as not to expose me.

I feel sick, I should feel sick.

I think he did this whole ea that turned explicit because he was lonely, she was sleeping in another room with the kids and they got all of her attention.

Not making excuses but I do not believe it was because he didn't love her. I think he just needed love.

Here I thought we were well over, moving on, healing.....and a delayed D-day out of the clear blue.

I cant imagine his wifes greif. Have any of you forgiven, or were your MM or XMM forgiven? Its gutwrenching whats happened.

I need you guys.

[minimariah]

not sure what to tell you.

 

it's a little hard to believe in his love for the W with an EA of 20 years (if i understood correctly) -- how long have they been married...?

 

i didn't forgive my xH's EA & divorced. my friend did & they're still together. some are able to reconcile, some aren't. it's really hard to talk about what WILL happen with their marriage... even if they do try to reconcile.

 

after the initial shock passes... that's when the real decisions are made. so time will tell, i guess.

[Tullyseptember]

Looking back I could forgive my ex-h for his affair, what was difficult was being blamed for his affair and then finding out he had one of our kids around the other woman. I went through a break down of who I was and a few years laters had an affair myself. The consequences were devastating, it took many years to build myself back up to who I could look in the eye and not cringe. My ex-h and I did divorce and I did have an open relationship with the affair partner. He cheated and those times after finding out were dark days indeed. The lies and misinformation was horrible, I do feel I needed this to happen to me. It was a humbling experience to be on the other side. It's why I come here, to help keep myself real and learn from others what I still might be missing. In my view the only way forward is full disclosure and that if the two spouses are willing to reconcile that marriage counselling is a must as well as individual counselling. Feelings and thoughts can't be kept underground otherwise I believe the end of the marriage is the only outcome:(

Edited July 24, 2015 by Tullyseptember
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[privategal]

The ea was a small fraction of the nearly 20 years...it was an on off thing for a few years that finally ended. Its been over in that way for a year maybe more...we stayed friends for a bit...that also fell through and weve been nc.

[privategal]

Im just in shock...I think my real question...generally speaking as I realize the time for everyone varies...but maybe a general guideline or in your experience...how long until the initial storm after dday starts to stabilize.

Does it take long for the BS to begin to want to reconcile?

Its an aweful feeling he could lose his marriage.

We compartmentalized so well...justified it as friendship...just got caught up...carried away...not having sex seemed to justify it for us...we ended it...now he gets caught.

Its just real sad for him and his wife.

He did try to go the straight path and face that it was wrong...we were in too deep...its long over than wham.

I hope he will be ok.

Horrendous sad situation.

[Popsicle]

Well, hopefully this will begin a much needed new start for them.

[beach]

And what was his point of telling you this now?

 

Is he lining you up for his backup plan.

 

I see an agenda on the horizon.

 

Is that something you'd participate in? If so, it would be wise to wait until his D is final.

 

He will go back to her when she lets him... And she probably will in due time.

 

I see his communication as possible harm to you. He's still being greedy and selfish.

[Red123]

Im just in shock...I think my real question...generally speaking as I realize the time for everyone varies...but maybe a general guideline or in your experience...how long until the initial storm after dday starts to stabilize.

Does it take long for the BS to begin to want to reconcile?

Its an aweful feeling he could lose his marriage.

We compartmentalized so well...justified it as friendship...just got caught up...carried away...not having sex seemed to justify it for us...we ended it...now he gets caught.

Its just real sad for him and his wife.

He did try to go the straight path and face that it was wrong...we were in too deep...its long over than wham.

I hope he will be ok.

Horrendous sad situation.

 

I believe the time frame for things to calm down varies for everyone. I can only speak to my experience. I didn't fully decide to R until I felt that I had all the information I needed to make that decision. I was still struggling a lot after that mark, which was about 2 months after Dday. It has been almost two years since dday(September) and I am finally starting to feel good about my choice to stay with him. His A was about 3.5 months so I cannot speak to something as long as yours was. I hope he comes clean with his wife and answers all of her questions truthfully because IME that's the only way for her to be able to begin to trust again. It's a long road for those who choose to R. As far as how she is feeling, I can only say that other than losing my sister and a diagnosis for an illness, his A was the hardest and saddest time of my life. If your worried about confrontation from her that also varies, I chose not to and still haven't and I'm happy with that choice.

[privategal]

And what was his point of telling you this now?

 

Is he lining you up for his backup plan.

 

I see an agenda on the horizon.

 

Is that something you'd participate in? If so, it would be wise to wait until his D is final.

 

He will go back to her when she lets him... And she probably will in due time.

 

I see his communication as possible harm to you. He's still being greedy and selfish.

I think they will work it out now and never seperate.

No...he broke it off...hes not trying to come back...he just had nowhere to turn but me. I am in all the pics she saw, not my face, I wasnt totally exposed just racy. Not sure anything else that was there. He reached out to me cause who else could understand. Hes sick with shame, a total mess.

I thought they turned on a despised their xap after d day. He was apologetic and felt remorse, shame, stupidity.

We live over 10 hours apart. She has no contact info of mine.

Its just a shock. I feel horrible. Its so far past being done, its sad ir came out now. A lesson to anyone who thinks they wont get caught. I never dreamed. I hope they can heal fast.

My own forgiveness came fast for my spouse when I went through it. I reasoned it was photos...not sex. Not right for others but I believed it was a one time thing and it made us stronger. Our marriage is solid and happy.

I hope the same for them. Omg

[beach]

I think they will work it out now and never seperate.

No...he broke it off...hes not trying to come back...he just had nowhere to turn but me. I am in all the pics she saw, not my face, I wasnt totally exposed just racy. Not sure anything else that was there. He reached out to me cause who else could understand. Hes sick with shame, a total mess.

I thought they turned on a despised their xap after d day. He was apologetic and felt remorse, shame, stupidity.

We live over 10 hours apart. She has no contact info of mine.

Its just a shock. I feel horrible. Its so far past being done, its sad ir came out now. A lesson to anyone who thinks they wont get caught. I never dreamed. I hope they can heal fast.

My own forgiveness came fast for my spouse when I went through it. I reasoned it was photos...not sex. Not right for others but I believed it was a one time thing and it made us stronger. Our marriage is solid and happy.

I hope the same for them. Omg

 

Who else could've turn to? How about a counselor? A professional to help him.

 

Contacting you at this point makes this super risky. If his wife sees any evidence that he has contacted you again, especially now, it may risk any chNce of recovery.

 

I can't see how contacting you now is a good thing... If that was the way my H responded to a DDay - my decision to divorce would be made for him - just because he contacted her again.

 

This guy is going about it all wrong. Don't help him ruin it further. I'd say go back to NC.

[RoseVille]

I don't think he came to you to make you his backup plan. I think he told you because you're the only other person who knows about this mess, and you have some power in helping him stay protected to the extent possible (aka going along with what he told her).

[privategal]

Who else could've turn to? How about a counselor? A professional to help him.

 

Contacting you at this point makes this super risky. If his wife sees any evidence that he has contacted you again, especially now, it may risk any chNce of recovery.

 

I can't see how contacting you now is a good thing... If that was the way my H responded to a DDay - my decision to divorce would be made for him - just because he contacted her again.

 

This guy is going about it all wrong. Don't help him ruin it further. I'd say go back to NC.

She doesnt know there was a me. She just saw random pics. wE didn't get caught...he got caught...like a year later and in ger mind it was a random no name..a meaningless online person he never met. The saddest part is he ended it a long time ago to prevent this. He loved her..the guilt was too much...why have a heavy ea without sex and all the emotion. He tried to do the right thing and still got caught.

[purplesorrow]

She doesn't believe a word he is saying. If she is like some betrayed, she may ask for a lie detector test. Him really loving her wouldn't allow him to protect you over her by lying. You would be surprised what an Internet pi can discover from a pic's origins. Don't feel so comfortable in thinking your identity is safe. What would your husband think?

[anika99]

I think you need to start thinking about what you are going to do if the BW doesn't believe her husbands continued lies and makes total transparency a part of the reconciliation deal.

 

 

There was a MOW here last year and her AP's wife discovered the affair. The MOW was adamant that she had nothing to worry about because she knew her MM would never reveal her identity no matter what. Well her MM's wife told him to give her all the information as in names and contact info or get the hell out. Guess what happened? MM told his wife his AP's name, her contact information and I think even her address. The MOW had to tell her husband.

[Tullyseptember]

Privategal, I think I went somewhat off topic when responding. Your question brought back many memories and when trying to relay some of what I went through came out confusing! As a BS the omission of facts and the protecting of the other woman's identity from me was so very hurtful. My ex-h cared more of keeping her safe so to speak. All I had was the knowledge he was unfaithful but with who I at first had no idea. For some reason this unknown was really hard to handle I kept thinking it could be his co-worker it could be a friend. My mind was running in circles. I truly felt stuck in this maddening dialogue with myself trying to find out who. He did finally tell me and the running in circles stopped. My mind stopped obsessing. I myself didn't want to contact her, she wasn't my problem. I did want the same consideration she was given by my ex and it hurt so much to not be made to feel safe. If you can and he calls direct him back to his wife, if he truly wants his marriage he needs to keep her safe and you need to protect yourself and keep your own self safe.

Edited July 24, 2015 by Tullyseptember
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[beach]

She doesnt know there was a me. She just saw random pics. wE didn't get caught...he got caught...like a year later and in ger mind it was a random no name..a meaningless online person he never met. The saddest part is he ended it a long time ago to prevent this. He loved her..the guilt was too much...why have a heavy ea without sex and all the emotion. He tried to do the right thing and still got caught.

 

Yah... But why do you think it's helping their marriage now to communicate with ANY of this?

 

Yes, he MAY want to make the M work and hopes she forgives him... But contacting you certainly doesn't make that goal easier.

 

 

Being in touch with him in any way hurts his chances - and what about your husband... Did you tell him that you've cheated? Did you tell your H that you've recently been communicating with your affair partner? Why risk hurting your own M now?

[AlwaysGrowing]

By bold face lying to his wife concerning the identity of the person in the photos he is gaslighting her. He is telling her...her own thought processes (he knows who is in the photos) is wrong...her reality (perceptions) are off base. Many call this mental/emotional abuse.

 

Contacting you to talk about her discovery is another betrayal...it will hurt like a SOB if she finds out. She will feel like she was conspired against (which is true), she will feel her husbands disloyalty (true), she will feel like she is being played (true), that she was manipulated (true).

 

Nothing, absolutely nothing good will come out of his continued contact with you behind his wife's back. Reaching out to you..is the current slap in the face/knife in back that many BS point to as the straw that made them walk.

 

I give you kudos for even asking the questions.

[GypsumSatellite]

privategal, first off I'm really sorry you're having to have all this re-dredged up after you'd made peace with it. Secondly, he took a massive risk emailing you at your work address if his wife is monitoring any of his communication methods. Thirdly, do you think there is any chance that he may have been caught for another EA/PA and yours are just one set of a larger parcel of evidence his W may have uncovered? Fourthly, you were friends for 20 years and his wife isn't aware of you? Are you certain about that?

 

Your best bet right now is to tell your exMM that it's in both of your best interests to stay NC. You don't truly know what his motivations are nor what his family's motivations may be if you are identified.

[beach]

You keep saying you're doing NC - but every month or so there's a new excuse to open up contact again.

 

He could be lying. His wife may not have even found any pictures.

 

It may just be a new excuse to contact you.

 

How would your husband feel knowing you keep in touch with your MM?

 

Does he know you've been emotionally attached to this OM for decades?

[privategal]

You keep saying you're doing NC - but every month or so there's a new excuse to open up contact again.

 

He could be lying. His wife may not have even found any pictures.

 

It may just be a new excuse to contact you.

 

How would your husband feel knowing you keep in touch with your MM?

 

Does he know you've been emotionally attached to this OM for decades?

 

Im not sure what you mean...there hasn't been any contact at all until now...from him.

As for other questions I cannot answer for him what he told his wife or why or that it wasn't the truth. He was confronted with the laptop...he said what he said.

He emailed me from work computer but as I said...she neverbknew about me...She wasn't monitoring anything.

We ended it...no dday. We went our seperate ways.

 

I do not plan on coaching him through anymore. I also didn't ask for his protecting me.

He didn't do that to protect me over her...he did that because he selfishly thought she would be less upset if it wasfa random no name web person that exchanged pics with him versus a real girl he knew. I had no say, it was out, he was caught, he weaved his own tale.

 

The whole friendship wasn't an A and so it wasnt 20 years of that. I dont know what else to say...there was shame, guilt, its long been over, I just needed a place to vent.

Its obvious its horrendous and Ive been in his wifes shoes, found the same pics...I forgave.

I hope she can too.

Thanks for reading, and for your thoughts.

If theres an update I will post. I do not plan on speaking with him again, I never did.

[Hope Shimmers]

This guy has been your "best friend" for 20 years, and during that you had an affair. And his wife found photos and his answer to that was to make you some kind of Nobody who was just a body and not a face, who he just exchanged photos with and f+cked with at the time. He minimized and diminished and made you to be NOTHING.

 

And you are fine with that and somehow feel sorry for him.

 

Speechless.

[elaine567]

This guy has been your "best friend" for 20 years, and during that you had an affair. And his wife found photos and his answer to that was to make you some kind of Nobody who was just a body and not a face, who he just exchanged photos with and f+cked with at the time. He minimized and diminished and made you to be NOTHING.

 

And you are fine with that and somehow feel sorry for him.

 

Speechless.

 

This is minimising and defensive mode from the OP too.

She has her own relationship to defend and protect as well as her own ego. It doesn't suit to be seen as some lying, cheating MOW or for her MM to be painted as the devil.

 

In their eyes now, they were the rational, sensible ones that ended the relationship, not the lustful, needy ones that started it.

They do not deserve to be outed and made to feel bad...

But that may not be how others view the affair.

 

HIS wife MUST forgive and forget, just like the OP did in her marriage, else there is going to be a huge fallout in his marriage and in her marriage, and that is too much for her to bear thinking about.

[gettingstronger]

I will try to stick to your questions- I have lots of opinions on the matter so sorry if I meander-

 

What is she going through- she is freaking out, heart broken, confused, feeling like her life is a lie- she is shattered that raising the kids they had together was used as an excuse to betray her-she is angry at her husband for not bucking up and understanding that raising kids strains a marriage and if he was unhappy about the balance, she not you, is the one she should have turned to- and oh yeah- she is pissed at him and at you-she thinks that if you are a mother yourself you should have known what she is going through- she wonders how you took time from your own life, your husband and kids and spent it on something like this- she wonders what kind of person sends pictures like that to someone else, she has disected every picture and zeroed in on your physical flaws- she can't eat or sleep- shes a mess-

 

I am not saying any of the above are true, fair or accurate of you or the relationship- I am saying that is what runs through her mind and keeps her up at night-

 

How long will it last- who knows- the initial gut wrenching phase is a few months- experts say 3-5 years for a marriage to right itself-

 

What you can do- stay the heck away- if she finds out he is finding comfort in you-again- it will set her back to square one- no matter how angry she is at him, no matter what- the last one she wants him to find comfort in is you-

 

Again- I am not saying she is right or wrong- I am just giving my opinion on what she is going through based on my experience as well as reading on here the thoughts of others right after dday-

[whichwayisup]

I just want to know, what is his wife going through.

What is going to happen here.

I know he turned to me because he was desperate.

But I don't know what he will face.

I forgave my spouse for a similar thing, there appeared to be nothing beyond saved photos I found in his laptop under similar circumstances a few years back.

I am wondering how often other spouses forgive and if she might believe his story and they can survive this, basically I want to know the likelihood.

 

You should know firsthand what his wife is going through, feeling hurt and devastated, that the one person who is supposed to not cause hurt, did so in the worst way by cheating and betrayal. He minimized the affair and made it seem like absolutely nothing. Doesn't that make you wonder if your husband minimized his affair? Just saying how easy it is to lie and hide stuff to protect your own butt.... Does your husband know about the affair with the MM?

 

Bolded. None of your business or concern. Your A is over so what happens between them isn't your place to know, nor should you get involved and stay in contact with him to find out.

[jwi71]

how long until the initial storm after dday starts to stabilize.

 

For me and my xWW it never recovered.

If their M does recover it will NEVER be the same. The old M they had will be replaced by a new more fragile one. One cannot break a vase and expect that the same vase be as strong as before being broken. The cracks, however expertly hidden, will always be there (and visible).

 

Does it take long for the BS to begin to want to reconcile?

 

You ASSUME the BS WANTS to R.

I would say that the typical reaction is to first save it. The true test comes for them now. However, if his first instinct is to reach out to you then I have some doubts. He is protecting himself first NOT the M. It is not a good first sign.

 

Its an aweful feeling he could lose his marriage.

 

Actions have consequences.

Better Q...what if BS comes knocking around your door?

 

He did try to go the straight path and face that it was wrong...we were in too deep...its long over than wham.

 

You might apply that lesson to your OWN M.

 

Worry less about them and more about YOU.

How can this come back to bite you? What can you do to inoculate yourself against such?