omg waayyy delayed DDay wow

[Rainbowlove]

PG - I'm sorry you're upset by this news.

 

For me, it's a powerful reminder to stay NC no matter what.

 

No email openings, no telephone chats, no social media outlets...nothing.

 

All this did was open old wounds for you. There's nothing you can do for him or her and there was no reason for him to tell you of her finding out.

 

You can't support him now. Actually, any contact with him is doing him more harm than good.

 

If you care about him, let it all go back to NC.

 

Wishing you the best as you move through the recent events...

 

RL

[privategal]

You should know firsthand what his wife is going through, feeling hurt and devastated, that the one person who is supposed to not cause hurt, did so in the worst way by cheating and betrayal. He minimized the affair and made it seem like absolutely nothing. Doesn't that make you wonder if your husband minimized his affair? Just saying how easy it is to lie and hide stuff to protect your own butt.... Does your husband know about the affair with the MM?

 

Bolded. None of your business or concern. Your A is over so what happens between them isn't your place to know, nor should you get involved and stay in contact with him to find out.

Why you seem to be in attack mode. Not helpful. Read up on my words first. I SAID Im not staying in touch...at all.

I am seeking general answers in this process...what makes you feel I need answers from him on THIER marriage or that Id make it MY business.

I have seen many full on P.A. here with way more comforting advice in helping to heal and move on and if its been over and nc all this time...I dont feel I need a tounge lashing nor anyone on this site.

I did not disclose nor will I not that MY disclosing is any of your business since it was not in this thread.

Other discrepancies from other posters...I do not have children, yet your directing at me as I am a Mom.

I expressed pain...empathy, guilt, shame...would you like me to cut off a limb as well to feel I have paid redemption.

The rude judgemental replies are just not helpful.

Im beyond them...she didnt catch us in bed...as we were never IN bed. We were THROUGH.

Karma can be right around the corner for me and Im aware she may find me..and disclose.

Im prepared for it. Id be deserving.

But in the meantime was seeking advice and similiar experiences. Your "none of your business" really gets me upset amongst other replies.

Thanks to Rainbow as always for classy replies and neutral support (not condoning, but supporting).

[Lois_Griffin]

She doesnt know there was a me. She just saw random pics. wE didn't get caught...he got caught...like a year later and in ger mind it was a random no name..a meaningless online person he never met. The saddest part is he ended it a long time ago to prevent this. He loved her..the guilt was too much...why have a heavy ea without sex and all the emotion. He tried to do the right thing and still got caught.

Very often, a D-Day will trigger an investigation the likes of which would make Sherlock Holmes look like an amateur.

 

She might run all kinds of spy programs on his computer for deleted messages, files, pictures, emails, etc. etc., go through the last few years of their cell phone bills, and dig in places she didn't even know existed before D-Day.

 

Since he also seems kind of soft (like the kind that wouldn't hold up under torture) I really wouldn't be surprised if she eventually finds out your name and contact information if she really holds his feet to the fire.

 

Good luck to you. You sound like a nice lady.

[privategal]

Very often, a D-Day will trigger an investigation the likes of which would make Sherlock Holmes look like an amateur.

 

She might run all kinds of spy programs on his computer for deleted messages, files, pictures, emails, etc. etc., go through the last few years of their cell phone bills, and dig in places she didn't even know existed before D-Day.

 

Since he also seems kind of soft (like the kind that wouldn't hold up under torture) I really wouldn't be surprised if she eventually finds out your name and contact information if she really holds his feet to the fire.

 

Good luck to you. You sound like a nice lady.

Honestly Im aware, she might, she is entitled. Im prepared.

Thank you.

[sandylee1]

If the BW wants to reconcile, she'll most likely demand to know who the OW is. If she's bought his story about it being a random person , she might drop demanding a name, but it doesn't necessarily mean she's up for reconciling.

 

If she's clued up or seeks advice, people will tell her that full disclosure and transparency are required. They will tell her that him not doing so , means he's protecting the AP. The thing with not disclosing the identity of the AP, is that the BS can then suspect it's someone they know, otherwise why would he not reveal.

 

If she doesn't believe him , she could ask him to do a poly. If he refuses , then D is possible.

 

If she gets into investigation mode, she might backtrack on phone bills, but he may have been very convincing and she asks more about what website he met her on, how it got to sending pics etc. I don't know how many people send such pics to people they're not involved in or have never met. I wouldn't buy the story if my H told it to me, but I'm rather suspicious by nature.

[beach]

Yah... But why do you think it's helping their marriage now to communicate with ANY of this?

 

Yes, he MAY want to make the M work and hopes she forgives him... But contacting you certainly doesn't make that goal easier.

 

 

Being in touch with him in any way hurts his chances - and what about your husband... Did you tell him that you've cheated? Did you tell your H that you've recently been communicating with your affair partner? Why risk hurting your own M now?

 

You keep saying you're doing NC - but every month or so there's a new excuse to open up contact again.

 

He could be lying. His wife may not have even found any pictures.

 

It may just be a new excuse to contact you.

 

How would your husband feel knowing you keep in touch with your MM?

 

Does he know you've been emotionally attached to this OM for decades?

 

Im not sure what you mean...there hasn't been any contact at all until now...from him.

As for other questions I cannot answer for him what he told his wife or why or that it wasn't the truth. He was confronted with the laptop...he said what he said.

He emailed me from work computer but as I said...she neverbknew about me...She wasn't monitoring anything.

We ended it...no dday. We went our seperate ways.

 

I do not plan on coaching him through anymore. I also didn't ask for his protecting me.

He didn't do that to protect me over her...he did that because he selfishly thought she would be less upset if it wasfa random no name web person that exchanged pics with him versus a real girl he knew. I had no say, it was out, he was caught, he weaved his own tale.

 

The whole friendship wasn't an A and so it wasnt 20 years of that. I dont know what else to say...there was shame, guilt, its long been over, I just needed a place to vent.

Its obvious its horrendous and Ive been in his wifes shoes, found the same pics...I forgave.

I hope she can too.

Thanks for reading, and for your thoughts.

If theres an update I will post. I do not plan on speaking with him again, I never did.

 

Can you explain to me about your husband? Looks like he was skipped over... Does he know how much you were attached to the OM? Did you tell your husband about all of the friendship and this recent contact?

 

How does your husband weigh into this equation? You seem to have left him out.

 

 

Are you sure the OM wasn't contacting you to see if you might be his backup plan?

 

 

And sorry if there was confusion - I thought I read your other threads and determined that you've been in touch with the OM several times since you decided to go NC...

[BetrayedH]

New lies on top of the old lies. I'm sure they'll be fully reconciled any minute now.

[privategal]

Can you explain to me about your husband? Looks like he was skipped over... Does he know how much you were attached to the OM? Did you tell your husband about all of the friendship and this recent contact?

 

How does your husband weigh into this equation? You seem to have left him out.

 

 

Are you sure the OM wasn't contacting you to see if you might be his backup plan?

 

 

And sorry if there was confusion - I thought I read your other threads and determined that you've been in touch with the OM several times since you decided to go NC...

My husband was skipped in THIS thread because the thread was about xeap being discovered with photos on his laptop.

He knows of our entire friendship, knows we were best friends and spoke everyday, does not know about ea...Ive been clear on these boards its my choice and a personal decision not to reveal.

Yes, his w may discover my identity and reveal to my h if so, I will face the music.

Until then Ive moved on from the cold ending of our friendship, the ea had long been over, Ive been in nc, Ive done better each day in changing my ways and healing.

I changed my number, closed my personal email and moved away. Xeap used my work email on his dday...from his work email. His w cannot monitor that. I didnt reach out nor will I and your comments of how do I think its helpful to stay in touch and how will it help their marriage are innacurate...I didn't get in touch, I am not involved in their lives.

 

Back then..he was a work colleage, neither of us were M, later after we were married we got involved and the friendship turned ea due to closeness, length of time, unfinished business and our selfish human flaws.

We ended it mutually as we loved our spouses and didn't want to be cheaters. He ended the friendship sometime later, now a dday. Thats the story.

My other threads say the same.

[Lovemesomehim]

You do realize that his wife could pull his phone records and access his computer history and find out who you are, right? With the pictures alone she could find out general location if she's computer suave or knows someone who is.

Either way, good luck.

[privategal]

My mm was GONE went dark after a few years of ea but a nearly 2 decade friendship. Guilt caused a split, we were getting in over our heads.

For my understanding he had just come back a few months to restore friendship...light flirting was reintroduced by him...not real strong...just grooming...testing boundaries on his end...I guess more ego strokes but my heart said otherwise...my heart said/felt he missed me deeply and we knew we couldn't dive back in or pick up where we left off but u can feel "we" were mutually missed. It was just a joyful reconnection filled with loving reconnection.

Butttt..a delayed dday hit to our shock...pics he saved (unveknownst to me) in a private folder were transferred to a new family laptop, they were old..we stopped that phase over 1 year ago.

My ever pressing question...after dday he seems head over heels, he was forgiven...

He was adamant about continued Friendship, begged even, called, wrote each day VERY platonic.

Question is..did love die? Does it?

I dont write, ask questions, need anything but was excited ge qas back...but now seems un hysterical bonding phase while Un just relieved his M will be ok...I wonder where I stand selfish of me since I declined...it wad just surreal to have his friendship back...like a sheer miracle...I think its honorable to let him rekindle and right his wrongs but wrve been over romantically for so long...he writes but I pull away and am cold and asked him to move on with out me but damn. What timing. It seems after a dday and nearly losing her his whole tone changed. Is it that he suddenly now deeply loves her after nearly losing her to this?

Im just trying to understand .

[Popsicle]

Cake eater. He gets from you what he doesn't get from his wife. Two halves make one whole and he has become content with this.

[Popsicle]

My xMM too was just about begging to be "friends", after the romantic part ended. I too didn't understand why and pulled away. I don't understand what he wanted or what the point was. It seemed like a desperate plea on his part but I don't really understand why. What would he get from a friendship? (We weren't friends before)

Edited August 28, 2015 by Popsicle

[NewLeaf512]

mine had hired a lawyer, drawn up papers, went to tell his wife, told her something which included bout the lawyer, and I haven't heard from him since after knowing him as a friend for circa 7.5 years, PA for 6 months and 2 years and a few months EA while he got his straight and got divorced. on Dday he and BW had some kind of show down where he told her about hiring the lawyer and asking for a D. I got thrown in a black hole and apparently they are like newly weds. Go figure.

 

 

Take care of you x

[Popsicle]

mine had hired a lawyer, drawn up papers, went to tell his wife, told her something which included bout the lawyer, and I haven't heard from him since after knowing him as a friend for circa 7.5 years, PA for 6 months and 2 years and a few months EA while he got his straight and got divorced. on Dday he and BW had some kind of show down where he told her about hiring the lawyer and asking for a D. I got thrown in a black hole and apparently they are like newly weds. Go figure.

 

 

Take care of you x

 

You were in the "black hole" from day 1.

[NewLeaf512]

You were in the "black hole" from day 1.

 

 

 

I kind of like that. Please elaborate

 

 

Private you cant be friends

[Popsicle]

I kind of like that. Please elaborate

 

 

Private you cant be friends

 

Being involved with a taken or attached man is a black hole. Since he was attached since day one, then you were in a black hole with him the entire time, not just in the end. All the stuff that came out of his mouth during the A was just puffs of smoke, and unfortunately, he didn't even realize that at the time and strung you along in his dreams. Reality came crashing down on him on Dday.

[privategal]

True confession I hadn't eaten the whole day and had a few beers and wrote this post as a result.

The sticking point in my subconscious is not whether it is right or wrong to let go of EA but rather how does all the love for a person just go away.

We had been over a long time, he ended the friendship for 6 months and came back to it.

He began the loving stuff again more and more each day and then with dday he pleaded to stay friends but was stead fast there was nothing between us when quite clearly there was alot.

I wished to understand the psychology of if dday makes a man love their wife fully again and instantly dissolve love for eap. I didnt even know we were back in eap until we weren't all over again.

I was drunk last night.

Im going to keep moving forward.

Its been a confusing time. So embarrased for continued focus on it. Time will heal. The questions are so heavy.

I dont want him back but hate to feel such clear obvious feeling for me was just trashed so easily.

I want him to be happy with his W and basic human feelings make you want to feel it was still hard to let go of you too.

Sorry guys.

Edited August 28, 2015 by privategal

[Ms. Faust]

I wished to understand the psychology of if dday makes a man love their wife fully again and instantly dissolve love for eap...

 

This is one of those loaded questions/statements that betrayed spouses and affair partners have in common post dday (along with "I trusted him"; "he said it meant nothing"; and the infamous "but I (still) loovvvee him").

 

There are many answers to this question, some may be correct, some not, all so used they are cliche. These are some of the more common ones that betrayed spouses report the MM saying:

 

• I only told her what I needed to tell her because she made me feel good about myself.
   
  
• I was caught up in the moment, and didn't realize how much I loved you until I almost lost you.
   
  
• I felt sorry for her.
   
  
• I was trying to end it with her gently.
   
  
• She was blackmailing me and said she would tell you if I didn't continue.
  

 

Betrayed spouses will draw their own conclusions from what their spouse says to them, usually labeling their husbands narcissists, and come to this statement: "He continued going to OW and saying he loved her because she provided the ego kibbles that he so desperately needed".

 

Which could definitely be the case... a lot (not all) of MM do tend to be narcissistic and need some sort of validation to feel self worth.

 

But really, you're only going to get your answer from one person: the MM. Unfortunately, you may or may not get the truth. That is one of the many downsides to choosing a relationship where lying and deception is par the course.

Edited August 28, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[ladydesigner]

Question is..did love die? Does it?

 

I think eventually it does if the MM commits to the M again. And I mean REALLY commits. Maybe he will look back fondly, who knows.

 

Why be married or work towards a marriage if you want to keep the love alive for your AP? It just doesn't make sense.

 

It took some time for my 'love' 'infatuation' 'obsession' with my xOM to go away, but it did. The longer I stuck to NC and moved forward with my life the better I became and realized I no longer had any feelings for my xAP just indifference.

 

Indifference is what should be strived for after an A ends for ALL parties.

[privategal]

Thanks everyone, some good answers.

I guess there was a time where I felt it would never ever end ESPECIALLY because we never ever expressed a desire to be together permanently or a regular couple or leave then...why would it.

It was always for me the icing on the cake, and being a hopeless romantic it was that tortured love thing...we just realized our feelings at a time we were unmarried friends and could have done something about them...so we'd just have to stay with the spouses we loved, and we could just express our feelings to eachother but not act on them or rock the boat. I think we were both happy in our marriages so it was just extra love and that was it. Idk...but I thought it wouldn't end ever so I gotta process it!

[movingon123]

I don't think you can switch your feelings that quickly. He may have felt panicked and realized suddenly what he needed to do keep his current situation, but could he have completely changed his feelings towards you overnight? I don't think so. It may be that he keeps in touch in a very platonic way so that he can say even just to himself, see, it's just a regular friendship, nothing wrong with this. It could be just the guilt and he's trying to make himself feel better that he hasn't really done anything wrong. He just sounds panicked to me.

 

My own d-day resulted in the immediate cold shoulder. I was left stunned and hurt and questioning everything, whereas if he had just said something nice, that he would miss me but needed to go back to her (there were reasons for that which I understood and I don't want to get into here), I could have moved on much more easily. It felt like the love he expressed for me did die almost immediately. But, I don't think it did, not immediately anyway. It definitely didn't sound like my ex-mm rekindled his feelings for his w, I know it was fueled by a LOT of guilt, but maybe by now he is starting to. I wonder about it, I try not to, but I do.

 

If it hurts too much to have a friendship with him then you will have to end it completely by blocking.

 

Indifference is what should be strived for after an A ends for ALL parties.

 

While my responding to this doesn't have anything to do with OP's question it struck a chord with me and wanted to say I agree with it. When we are all talking about NC, it sounds like a game. How long can we go? How many days has it been? That makes it sound like we are hoping to have contact again at some point. And to fully let go, you have to get to the point where you aren't hoping for that. That you no longer know how many days it has been since you last had contact. It no longer matters. I'm sure I'll get there at some point as will he if he isn't there already.

[privategal]

I don't think you can switch your feelings that quickly. He may have felt panicked and realized suddenly what he needed to do keep his current situation, but could he have completely changed his feelings towards you overnight? I don't think so. It may be that he keeps in touch in a very platonic way so that he can say even just to himself, see, it's just a regular friendship, nothing wrong with this. It could be just the guilt and he's trying to make himself feel better that he hasn't really done anything wrong. He just sounds panicked to me.

 

My own d-day resulted in the immediate cold shoulder. I was left stunned and hurt and questioning everything, whereas if he had just said something nice, that he would miss me but needed to go back to her (there were reasons for that which I understood and I don't want to get into here), I could have moved on much more easily. It felt like the love he expressed for me did die almost immediately. But, I don't think it did, not immediately anyway. It definitely didn't sound like my ex-mm rekindled his feelings for his w, I know it was fueled by a LOT of guilt, but maybe by now he is starting to. I wonder about it, I try not to, but I do.

 

If it hurts too much to have a friendship with him then you will have to end it completely by blocking.

 

 

 

While my responding to this doesn't have anything to do with OP's question it struck a chord with me and wanted to say I agree with it. When we are all talking about NC, it sounds like a game. How long can we go? How many days has it been? That makes it sound like we are hoping to have contact again at some point. And to fully let go, you have to get to the point where you aren't hoping for that. That you no longer know how many days it has been since you last had contact. It no longer matters. I'm sure I'll get there at some point as will he if he isn't there already.

 

You know, trust me the niceties hurt more I think...its better if your xmm went dark though it hurts...mine did not but rather updated me on their dates they were having and how it was getting better every day and thanked me for prayers and support and pleaded for friendship and that he needed my hekp in these darkest times...Im like...WTF?

He was just telling me I was beautiful a few weeks before and restarting stupid things like saying goodnight and calling all the time and sharing music and old memories...baiting me...then it was like "hey buddy"

I mean old habits die HARD but commonnnn he had my photos saved and we got into this dday cause he KEPT them. How selfish. I burned every memory the second the ea was over a year plus ago.

But...he keeps them...and gets caught...and suddenly you dont wanna lose me as a friend but got nothing for me?

Ugghhhhhh. I told him, if I was ever your friend again and you find "voids" where you need that kind of affection...find some other sucker cause I WONT be pulled back in.

Its excruciating to not even WANT that any longer but its still there in your mind and all you wanna do is punch them for turning you off like a light switch and suddenly they are in love with the spouse they dont even mention before and you are left to just go on too feeling dumb and played.

I dont want him back its just that feeling of emptiness.

[NewLeaf512]

Being involved with a taken or attached man is a black hole. Since he was attached since day one, then you were in a black hole with him the entire time, not just in the end. All the stuff that came out of his mouth during the A was just puffs of smoke, and unfortunately, he didn't even realize that at the time and strung you along in his dreams. Reality came crashing down on him on Dday.

 

 

I wish there was a kind of like button

 

 

I think he knew exactly which makes it worse x

[Popsicle]

 

 

I think he knew exactly which makes it worse x

 

I don't know about that, Newleaf.

We should talk more about that.

[Popsicle]

He was just telling me I was beautiful a few weeks before and restarting stupid things like saying goodnight and calling all the time and sharing music and old memories...baiting me...then it was like "hey buddy"

 

 

I mean old habits die HARD but commonnnn he had my photos saved and we got into this dday cause he KEPT them. How selfish. I burned every memory the second the ea was over a year plus ago.

But...he keeps them...and gets caught...and suddenly you dont wanna lose me as a friend but got nothing for me?

Ugghhhhhh. I told him, if I was ever your friend again and you find "voids" where you need that kind of affection...find some other sucker cause I WONT be pulled back in.

Its excruciating to not even WANT that any longer but its still there in your mind and all you wanna do is punch them for turning you off like a light switch and suddenly they are in love with the spouse they dont even mention before and you are left to just go on too feeling dumb and played.

I dont want him back its just that feeling of emptiness.

 

Yep, I hear you. That's exactly how how I felt too. I'm baffled as to why he would want to be "friends".

 

I think maybe something is better than nothing to them but I don't see how this can make them happy.