In-laws treating wife like doormat? Or am I wrong here?

[KCMO Man]

My wife and I have been married 5 years, we have a 3 year old, and we're generally happy together.

 

When we argue, and it's somewhat rare, it's always about her family.

 

My wife is the doormat of her family. Her mother, especially, treats her like a child and manipulates her emotions to the point my wife's mood can switch 180 in a matter of seconds. As a result, my wife jumps and will drop everything she is doing in order to make her mom (and her siblings) happy. This is not a terrible thing as it shows what a loving person she is, but it's just too much to handle.

 

My wife works long hours and weekends at her job yet still finds herself volunteering to help watch her brother and sister's children. I just found out today that her out-of-town sister has asked her to watch her two children for a weekend, fly them back to where her sister lives, and then fly back home. All of this just one week after my wife has volunteered to watch her brother's 1-year old while he is going out of town for a week of surgery/recovery.

 

I was simply flabbergasted that her sister would even conceive of asking my wife to do this but it really fits a long pattern. Nobody offers to watch our daughter or give my wife and I time to do things we want to do - my wife would not even conceive of asking in fear of having that great imposition being lorded over her for years. And the family trips? Man! When we vacation with them and our 3 yo daughter they will sometimes go out at night and leave my wife and I to watch all the children. My wife always agrees. She can't rock the boat. And I love children, and especially my nieces/nephews...but come on. Never, once, have we had the opportunity to go out and leave our daughter in their charge.

 

So why do I care? I don't know. I feel like a huge jerk complaining. I just want to protect my wife and I want her to stick up for herself ask her family to reciprocate all the love and energy she pours into them. The problem is with her, not them. But she has told me straight-on that she won't change her behavior no matter what. I can only interpret that her family means more to her than me.

 

Knowing she is not going to change the only option I have is to just grin and bear it. And it sucks, but I am out of ideas which is why I posted this here for your input.

[Morro72]

If her behavior is unacceptable to you and she won't change no matter what, I think the future is pretty clear. Make sure she understands the consequences of her decision, and start planning your exit. Meanwhile, don't make any more babies with her.

[Josmatjes]

She needs counciling. And she also needs to get a backbone!

 

Have you tried talking to her family or as her husband just generally putting your foot down and say no! Seriously you have to step up and help her because this will hurt her and you inthe long run...

[mrldii]

OP, I don't know that it's your place to tell/make her family [to] stop using her as a doormat; it is definitely your place to tell your wife that it's unacceptable within your relationship together.

 

She has to make - and keep - the acceptable boundaries. If she won't/*can't*, then it's your place to decide if the situation's bad/intolerable enough to end your marriage over.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

[Mr. Lucky]

I just found out today that her out-of-town sister has asked her to watch her two children for a weekend, fly them back to where her sister lives, and then fly back home. All of this just one week after my wife has volunteered to watch her brother's 1-year old while he is going out of town for a week of surgery/recovery.

 

What do they use to force your wife to do this? Kidnap your child? Bomb threat? Ashley Madison database hack?

 

Kidding aside, hopefully you get my point. Your problem isn't your in-laws and their thoughtless and unreciprocated requests...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Morro72]

 

Have you tried talking to her family...

This tends to not work out very well.

[elaine567]

She is a people pleaser.

[kendahke]

But she has told me straight-on that she won't change her behavior no matter what.

 

She needs to be reminded that she is breaking her vow of cherishing you--because what she is doing is causing you, her spouse, emotional duress... and she swore she'd never let anyone put her marriage asunder. She is doing exactly that by allowing the considerations of others before those of her husband.

 

I can only interpret that her family means more to her than me.

 

that is exactly what that means.

 

Knowing she is not going to change the only option I have is to just grin and bear it. And it sucks, but I am out of ideas which is why I posted this here for your input.

 

Yep--that's pretty much what your alternatives are if you choose to remain with her.

 

You can ask her to not complain to you about it anymore since her choice is that she won't change her behavior, no matter what. When she does complain, stop her and say "this is your choice, so be content with it or don't do it. I"m out of ideas that you will consider to be solutions to this"... and leave the room.

 

When the kids all come over, make it your weekend to get out of the house and do something you like to do and would love to do with her if she wasn't spineless when it came to her family.

Edited July 24, 2015 by kendahke

[KCMO Man]

What do they use to force your wife to do this? Kidnap your child? Bomb threat? Ashley Madison database hack?

 

Kidding aside, hopefully you get my point. Your problem isn't your in-laws and their thoughtless and unreciprocated requests...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I can't blame her family. She is the one who volunteers to do this stuff.

 

My wife incessantly complains about the controlling nature of her mother but just won't do anything about it.

 

A perfect example: On a family vacation her mom decided she wanted to eat dinner at 4:30pm when I was at a gym on the other side of town, sweaty in my gym clothes, and clearly unable to join them. My wife called to tell me this as they were being seated and she acted like I was being a jerk because I got upset that people made dinner plans so early in the day and clearly when I would be unable to join them.

 

I have asked her to see a family counselor and her response was "Nothing is going to change so there is no point in doing that". Her up and down relationship with her mom takes a serious toll on me and our relationship. Without her family drama, we are 100% happy.

[beach]

She doesn't plan to change a thing.

 

It's your wife that is the issue not her family... You said she volunteers for these things.

 

If she won't go to counseling then she's leaving you no choice - because she's weak and a willing doormat.

[autumnnight]

I grew up in a household much like your wife's. It seems unthinkable to normal people, but there is this big cloud of non-specific fear that X horrible thing will befall if you say no or fall short. The things I was afraid to use my own voice about were...ridiculous.

 

One of our first holidays after marriage, my husband's job had a VERY narrow time off window, and we wanted to try to see EVERYONE (which was unrealistic), and his family was much closer. We had 2 days available prior to Christmas and 4 days after. My mom thinks that once the 25th has passed, it's "anticlimactic." So she wanted us to drive 8 1/2 hours each way over 2 days. We opted to do them after because we had 4 days.

 

You'd have thought I disowned them and spit on the family name. I broke down, and my husband got on the phone and put them in their place but quick.

 

It created some waves, but it also kind of empowered me, because I didn't do exactly what they wanted....and the world DIDN'T end.

 

It took me about 7-8 years, but I FINALLY extricated myself from their manipulation and guilt trips and fear of disappointing them. Our relationship actually got better once I quit letting them manipulate me.

 

How does your wife feels about this? Do you sense that she feels pressure, stresses out about it? Does she voice that she doesn't really want to do X but does it anyway because she fears letting them down?

 

And you can't go by siblings. My sibling never much cared what my parents thought from childhood, so the whole control thing was never an issue. He rebelled and ignored, I capitulated and tried to be perfect.

[Mr. Lucky]

Her up and down relationship with her mom takes a serious toll on me and our relationship. Without her family drama, we are 100% happy.

 

It took me about 7-8 years, but I FINALLY extricated myself from their manipulation and guilt trips and fear of disappointing them. Our relationship actually got better once I quit letting them manipulate me.

 

KCMO Man, I'd guess your wife would find the same thing to be true - absent the guilt and drama, she's have better - and certainly healthier - family ties.

 

You might present it to her on those terms...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

KCMO Man, I'd guess your wife would find the same thing to be true - absent the guilt and drama, she's have better - and certainly healthier - family ties.

 

You might present it to her on those terms...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I did some very specific things to begin to break free, and they were scary at first. But I am so much happier now, and so much closer (in the authentic and healthy sense) to my parents.

[KCMO Man]

Autumn - I think your situations are similar but my wife doesn't really understand how much she is controlled by her family.

 

I can say for sure that if I were to ever stand up for my wife to her family or even pose a question to them that it would lead to a huge fight and possibly separation or divorce. My wife would blame me: "Why do you care, this doesn't affect you?"

 

My concern is not just for myself but for my daughter. She's only 3 now but when she's older she will be subjected to the same stuff I am; the mood swings, the anxiety, the stress.

 

But what's the alternative? I can't divorce my wife, that still leaves my daughter to have to deal with it.

[autumnnight]

Autumn - I think your situations are similar but my wife doesn't really understand how much she is controlled by her family.

 

I can say for sure that if I were to ever stand up for my wife to her family or even pose a question to them that it would lead to a huge fight and possibly separation or divorce. My wife would blame me: "Why do you care, this doesn't affect you?"

 

My concern is not just for myself but for my daughter. She's only 3 now but when she's older she will be subjected to the same stuff I am; the mood swings, the anxiety, the stress.

 

But what's the alternative? I can't divorce my wife, that still leaves my daughter to have to deal with it.

 

But it DOES affect you. She is flying all over the place, keeping kids at your house, being a daycare provider on vacations....and you are along for the ride.

 

What do you know about her upbringing? Was any thought outside the "accepted lines" quashed? Did she pretty much act the way they wanted, dress the way they wanted, become what they wanted?

 

I didn't even think about how unhealthy my home was until I was 22, and all my friends couldn't believe I didn't have the "cajones" to just do what I wanted as an adult. I couldn't. I tried everything I could to get my parents to change their minds, and when they didn't, I just tossed the opportunity they didn't like away.

 

And the first few times my ex indicated that my parents might be out of line, it REALLY hurt my feelings. However, I gradually saw they were right. I saw how different I became every time they were around - I reverted.

 

She may not be like me, but blindness to the control is pretty common because it is all you have ever known.

 

Have you ever just sat down with her and asked if she ever feel pressured by her parents, if she ever feels she can't please them....

 

It's tough, and you have every right to be frustrated. I had to deal with a LOT of anger at my parents, especially as my marriage dissolved, because I believe their interference in certain parts of my life led me to marrying someone who was....well, someone who didn't really want a wife or to be a husband. Your wife may still be in the "I have to please them or the planets will collide; please just keep the peace and don't rock the boat!" phase

[OldRover]

If her behavior is unacceptable to you and she won't change no matter what, I think the future is pretty clear. Make sure she understands the consequences of her decision, and start planning your exit. Meanwhile, don't make any more babies with her.

 

Morro,

 

WAY to premature and I'd bet they are not ever going to divorce over this. The divorce would be MUCH worse that the family issues.

 

The wife NEEDS to come to the table with solutions. She needs help, both from the OP and perhaps counseling. This is NOT a good environment and needs to be fixed. And the sooner the family realizes she's not a doormat, the better. Has to start with her.

[kendahke]

Morro,

 

WAY to premature and I'd bet they are not ever going to divorce over this. The divorce would be MUCH worse that the family issues.

 

The wife NEEDS to come to the table with solutions. She needs help, both from the OP and perhaps counseling. This is NOT a good environment and needs to be fixed. And the sooner the family realizes she's not a doormat, the better. Has to start with her.

 

Your advice is on point *IF* she was looking for solutions. She's not.

 

She has been very explicit in her declaration that she doesn't need to fix anything. OP must accept how things are and listen to her complain when she buckles to their demands OR tell her that if this is the tack she is going to take, to take it, pull up her big girl pants and be quiet about it. She knows where he stands on the issue and if she refuses to talk to a therapist or refuses to put her foot down with her family, that means she ain't setting her feet in the direction towards walking through a therapist's door.

[introverted1]

OP, maybe I missed this, but have you shared with your wife - calmly, lovingly, not in anger -- what you have told us here? I would start by letting her know of your concerns - for her self-esteem, for what she is modeling to your daughter, for your marriage, etc.

[beach]

Would your wife consider counseling with you... To work on healthy boundaries?

[OldRover]

Your advice is on point *IF* she was looking for solutions. She's not.

 

She has been very explicit in her declaration that she doesn't need to fix anything. OP must accept how things are and listen to her complain when she buckles to their demands OR tell her that if this is the tack she is going to take, to take it, pull up her big girl pants and be quiet about it. She knows where he stands on the issue and if she refuses to talk to a therapist or refuses to put her foot down with her family, that means she ain't setting her feet in the direction towards walking through a therapist's door.

 

But HE is looking for a solution, and if she were, too, he wouldn't be posting here. It's a LONG way from divorce.... WAY too premature. Certainly worth working on a solution, which CAN be had.