Wife wants to separate, to save our marriage...

[trialbyerror]

Quick backstory, wife was my best friend for 7 years prior to us dating, dated for 2 years and married, have been married for 5 years. She was unhappy with the state of our marriage around year 3, and asked if I'd go to counseling. I declined and said I'd change(I wasn't being as affectionate as I used to be, as she'd like me to be.) I didn't change, but thought things would get better. She quit her job to go back to school(I was the sole income provider for 3.5 years) and one day I caught her making out with her classmate(another girl). I called her out on it, and she asked me what she'd like me to do. Stupid me, I wanted her to make her own decision and told her that if it made her happy, to keep her around. I'd hoped she'd say"I know what I'm doing is wrong, I'll stop. Wrong. Her gf eventually moved in with us, with them sleeping in the guest bedroom, while I sleep in the master. Asked my wife if she would ever sleep in my bed. Was told she would feel guilty about it and that if I had needs I needed meeting, I could look elsewhere, and so I did. This was 2 years ago. Finally the other girl moves out 3 months ago, and I think finally, this is our chance to make it work, right? But I start to think, maybe I shouldn't be celebrating just yet. Come to find out, the other left on her own, and was not kicked out by my wife as I previously thought. So a couple of weeks ago my wife tells me she's been toying with the idea of us separating, for the good of our marriage. She feels like separation is worth more to the marriage than counseling. I've asked her if she'd do me a favor and not sleep with anyone while we're separated, and given a "I can't say whether I'm going to sleep with anyone or not, but no I can't promise I won't". Doesn't believe that any rules of being married should hold true while being separated, in her words, what's the point of promising this or promising that if I find myself in a situation where it comes to that and I'm not supposed to, I'll slip up again. She doesn't feel there's any saving this marriage together, but doesn't want to get divorced right now. She has mentioned that if I can't handle being separated then maybe we have to start thinking about a lawyer. Apparently she feels that separating, and possibly dating is her last ditch effort to save our marriage. She will not go to counseling. I have cheated on her by my own doing, but due to her suggestion, but have not had the desire to that for the last couple of years. I do not want to file for divorce. I don't want to separate either, but she's made her mind up about it. What do I do?

[beach]

There's no commitment from her. She's not willing to repair what she's ruined.

 

She just wants you to accept less and less from her and still provide her with security.

 

Why don't you file for divorce so you can meet a partner who is willing to meet your needs?

 

I think you keep settling for less - and that isn't a good situation for you and your needs.

[SammySammy]

Your wife has been separated from you and you haven't had a marriage for some time.

 

It's time you faced the truth.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do not want to file for divorce. I don't want to separate either, but she's made her mind up about it. What do I do?

 

She's had another partner in her bed in your house to your exclusion for a couple of years. What are you protecting or salvaging by staying together?

 

I have cheated on her by my own doing, but due to her suggestion, but have not had the desire to that for the last couple of years.

 

Then you can continue to stand by while she auditions new sex partners right under your nose. It's a mystery to me what you get out of this relationship ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

You've been paying your wife's bills and lifestyle so she could cheat on you. Why? She's disrespecting you because you've allowed her to.

 

She crossed a boundary a long time ago. It's time you said no more.

 

She wants to act single? Divorce her. And move money before you tell her. Otherwise she will access all money available to her.

 

Time for her to pay her own way.

 

 

 

If this had been another man she'd been seeing - would you have been so understanding? It's no different! Your wife has been acting like a jerk to you for years. Don't do it anymore.

 

You deserve a gal that treats you right.

[PegNosePete]

Oh my goodness. You are so much a doormat to her. You let her get away with absolutely anything she wants. She is treating you like a money sponge. You need to regain a shred of self esteem and divorce her. She is a leech.

 

If you want to come out of this with your head above water then you need to get a game plan and stick to it. Here's what I would do.

 

1) See a divorce lawyer. Many do a free initial consultation so you lose absolutely nothing by doing this. You can get a lot of good advice tailored to your individual circumstances for free. Don't tell her you are doing this. Get advice about your assets and finances. Don't waste your free half hour talking about the problems in your marriage.

 

2) Protect your documents. Marriage certificate, ID, financial information, etc. Get them somewhere safe such as a locked drawer at your work. Your wife seems a little crazy. You never know what she is going to do. You need these documents to retain control of the situation. Again, don't tell her you're doing this.

 

3) Get her to move out. Do whatever it takes. Sure, go along with this separation thing if that's what is required to get her out. If she moves out then you will be significantly advantaged. Never forget why you're doing this. It's not to fix the marriage (that is beyond repair), it's to get a better financial position for yourself. If she moves out you will be a lot better off so go along with whatever she says. Yes dear, sure, whatever, goodbye.....

 

4) When she is out, start a campaign of SHOCK AND AWE. Cut her off financially. Change the locks. File for divorce.

 

She sees you as a total doormat. She will never respect you unless you grow a backbone and tell her what's going to happen and that you will not be treated like sh%% any more. There is very little chance you can save the marriage at this point (she checked out LONG ago), but ironically this plan is your best hope. SHOCK AND AWE.

Edited July 24, 2015 by PegNosePete