Need to calm down and stop panicking

[tsa902]

Hi! I'm very new to this and this will be my first post. I'm sure you're all aware that I too want an reconciliation with my ex girlfriend. I'm looking for genuine, detailed advice on how to approach this situation.

 

Lets cut to the chase, My girl and I were bestfreinds for 4 years. She was my girlfriend of 2 years during our 4 year friendship. She dumped me because I did not satisfy her expectations and perhaps I may have became a bit insecure and needy. I may have took her for granted.

 

To be honest, I've been a loving boyfriend. I was so loyal. I wouldn't and never cheat, I wouldn't go out at night with girls because she would feel jealous and I understood that. I made her extremely happy, days where she wouldn't forget. I just didn't do well the last two months of our relationship. I thought I did though. I made her happy, we had lots of laughs. She kisses me heaps but... she ended up breaking it up with me on the phone.

 

After Breakup

I was needy, yes I agree. First couple days/weeks I texted her a lot asking what shes up to and all that. I cried on the phone. I became clingy and became anxious. It felt like i was stabbed with a knife. I love her so much that it physically hurts. But that all changed. I am okay now. I'm less clingy and needy.

 

Anyways its been two months after the breakup and yes, we do maintain contact. i realized that maintaining contact was actually hurting me because i was not interested in this 'friendly' chat. So i told her its best if we dont talk to each other. I told her to contact me if she would like to work things out.

 

She called. One week after i told her to not talk to me unless she wanted to work things out. She said she misses me and wants to work things out. We had a coffee date and it was very neutral. She text me saying she wanted to kiss me but couldn't because i had bad breath. I've never had bad breath before and I took that seriously. I went to the dentist, got my teeth whiten, brush my teeth twice as long ect..

 

I asked her out on a movie date, but she said 'I'll see', eventually i figured out its a no. I try to talk to her online but it just gets awkward...So i decided to let her contact me instead.

 

Days later I asked if she would like to go to the Night market with me, she sounded excited. She said shed love to come.

And this is where the pain begins. Days later after the invitation, she messages me saying that 'Its not a good idea, we should take things slow'. Then days before the event, she says shes going with her family. I asked her for out for a coffee and she said 'Sorry I cant today'. She stated that this didnt work a just over a week after. Her texts followed up was a bit mean, blunt and cold.

 

Ive been getting quite some hot/cold treatments after the breakup. At times she said she will promise to come back, then all of a sudden she feels the opposite. I've tried NC a couple of times, but she always calls ONE WEEK AFTER. And because id like to reconcile, I give in and try to work it out.

 

Im looking for some good advice, on how to successfully reconcile. im sick of her mindf**** me. One day saying she loves me and misses me, next week shes ice cold.

 

Shes not dating anyone else. Last week talked on the phone and she states that shes still attracted to me, but she doesnt feel that intense, spark, sexual intimacy.

Now she probably feels different again.

 

How do i work things out...She knows that i will give in because it happened twice already...I discontinued NC because she wanted to work things out, and now shes cold.

 

Help.

[loveiswar101]

Well your experience is an exact blueprint of mine. So believe I can give good advice on this. But it is only advice.

 

At this point you are her emotional sponge, heading down to friend zone city. I like you replied every time my ex contacted me.

 

What this means is you are always there when she wants you but if you want her like you do she is not. She has you on a string while she decides what she wants.

 

You need in my eyes to stand your ground and be a man, not the clingy insecure guy you have been. In this you need to tell her it's over and no more contact, leave you alone unless she is 100% she wants to be with you. Make this clear to her. That's it, you then walk away and go no contact and move on, never look back. YOU NEED TO BE FIRM IN THIS DECISION ! otherwise you will be her fallback for ever.

 

Now NC is not to win her back as hopefully you have relised if read plenty of post here, it is for you to move on.

 

Now just say she texts/calls with anything other than I WANT YOU BACK, you ignore it.

 

I miss you, thinking of you etc are just breadcrumbs trust me, Been there.

 

Let her miss you. If she ever does text/call I want you back, you call her and make sure that's what she wants and meet up, go from there.

 

No more messing around !

[Warriors]

Hi! I'm very new to this and this will be my first post. I'm sure you're all aware that I too want an reconciliation with my ex girlfriend. I'm looking for genuine, detailed advice on how to approach this situation.

 

Lets cut to the chase, My girl and I were bestfreinds for 4 years. She was my girlfriend of 2 years during our 4 year friendship. She dumped me because I did not satisfy her expectations and perhaps I may have became a bit insecure and needy. I may have took her for granted.

 

To be honest, I've been a loving boyfriend. I was so loyal. I wouldn't and never cheat, I wouldn't go out at night with girls because she would feel jealous and I understood that. I made her extremely happy, days where she wouldn't forget. I just didn't do well the last two months of our relationship. I thought I did though. I made her happy, we had lots of laughs. She kisses me heaps but... she ended up breaking it up with me on the phone.

 

After Breakup

I was needy, yes I agree. First couple days/weeks I texted her a lot asking what shes up to and all that. I cried on the phone. I became clingy and became anxious. It felt like i was stabbed with a knife. I love her so much that it physically hurts. But that all changed. I am okay now. I'm less clingy and needy.

 

Anyways its been two months after the breakup and yes, we do maintain contact. i realized that maintaining contact was actually hurting me because i was not interested in this 'friendly' chat. So i told her its best if we dont talk to each other. I told her to contact me if she would like to work things out.

 

She called. One week after i told her to not talk to me unless she wanted to work things out. She said she misses me and wants to work things out. We had a coffee date and it was very neutral. She text me saying she wanted to kiss me but couldn't because i had bad breath. I've never had bad breath before and I took that seriously. I went to the dentist, got my teeth whiten, brush my teeth twice as long ect..

 

I asked her out on a movie date, but she said 'I'll see', eventually i figured out its a no. I try to talk to her online but it just gets awkward...So i decided to let her contact me instead.

 

Days later I asked if she would like to go to the Night market with me, she sounded excited. She said shed love to come.

And this is where the pain begins. Days later after the invitation, she messages me saying that 'Its not a good idea, we should take things slow'. Then days before the event, she says shes going with her family. I asked her for out for a coffee and she said 'Sorry I cant today'. She stated that this didnt work a just over a week after. Her texts followed up was a bit mean, blunt and cold.

 

Ive been getting quite some hot/cold treatments after the breakup. At times she said she will promise to come back, then all of a sudden she feels the opposite. I've tried NC a couple of times, but she always calls ONE WEEK AFTER. And because id like to reconcile, I give in and try to work it out.

 

Im looking for some good advice, on how to successfully reconcile. im sick of her mindf**** me. One day saying she loves me and misses me, next week shes ice cold.

 

Shes not dating anyone else. Last week talked on the phone and she states that shes still attracted to me, but she doesnt feel that intense, spark, sexual intimacy.

Now she probably feels different again.

 

How do i work things out...She knows that i will give in because it happened twice already...I discontinued NC because she wanted to work things out, and now shes cold.

 

Help.

 

My situation is kind of similar to yours.. Best friends for over two years, in a relationship for a year (next saturday) would of been our 1 year anniversary. Our situation might be different because of the circumstances surrounding us like living an hour apart, she got a new job at a GAS STATION 2 days before I was supposed to come July 4th weekend for 5 nights. They scheduled her all five days for 8-9 hours. (trust issues came into play) Especially when almost a month before hand I noticed a change in behavior, becoming distant, cold, more mean and vicious towards me. If we weren't in the circumstances were in (long distance) things would of never ever gotten like this.

 

She broke up with 2 days ago. She was threatening to dumping me, and even pretending to dump me for a couple weeks anytime she got the slightest bit mad. She started snapping at me over the most little things.

 

Right now Im at the stage you were in the beginning of the break up. My girl is similar to yours with being hot / cold and that was while we were in a relationship the past month. She crushed my soul and our anniversary is in a week. I did the crying, the begging, yelling and screaming pouring my heart out making sure she knew I was sincere. Didn't bring her back, instead she was very mean. It left off with last afternoons conversation "give me 24 hours, I'll think about it, maybe."

 

Even with us having planned to spend a few nights together for our anniversary. I dont know if it's going to happen now. We'll see, but with the condition I am, if somehow I end up seeing her for our anniversary, that I don't know if I'll be able to treat her properly with all the hurt inside of me. The mean things she's said, it will be hard even though I promised her with my life I will prove to her I will make a permanent change.

 

I have a feeling if we DONT end up seeing each other for the anniversary that she will end up doing what your girl is doing to you.. Disappear, reappear, be cold, then want me for a day or two, be cold... Maybe this will lead to her seeing someone else. If that happens there's zero chance of reconcilation until at least a year from now.

 

We'll see.

 

===============

 

Keep your head up! She's playing mind games... Your chance is still there, At least she doesn't hate you obviously. She isn't refrusing to talk to you for months. You have to catch her at the right moment, do the right thing. Its possible you can get her back but don't be obsessed with it. You can get her back somehow, it might take some time. When you do, it's not a garantee it will last, but sometimes a break up makes a couple stronger once they get back together.......... Sometimes.

[loveiswar101]

You have to catch her at the right moment, do the right thing.

 

Sorry but disagree here. I've gone through all of this...leave her alone, give her space, be a man and not a puppy. You want her to respect you and miss you. Then it's up to her.

 

No right moment, it not a game of chance, not a game of chasing her and doing the right thing. Basically unless she comes to you it will never be.

[tsa902]

I just dont want to deal with it again. I want her back and i want her to be 100% sure about it before i move on.

 

Its not surprising that she calls on the 7th day of NC. It happened twice already. It's always her saying that she misses me and wants to work things out..then she just gets all cold saying that its not a good idea. Having said that, she knows im willing to do what she says.

[ravfour4]

After a week she gets scared you're gone forever, calls you and hears you're still there and then distances herself again. My ex has been doing something similar for months.

[tsa902]

How do I well..seal the deal?

[Simon Phoenix]

How do I well..seal the deal?

 

Honestly, you can't. The only thing you can do is disappear and move forward in your life. Right now you've made yourself the lovesick puppy/emotional tampon. The attraction she has for you is zero, if not in negative numbers.

 

Stop answering her every time she tugs at the leash. You need several months (maybe a year in your case) of total separation from her for her to even consider you in a new light. And honestly, she probably won't. You're likely f--ked six days from Sunday at this point.

 

However, what going completely ghost on her will do is make you less dependent on her, which will make you more assertive and confident in the rest of your life. That will allow you to find someone who is a better fit. If a miracle occurs and she sees you in a new light after all this time, then you won't continue to make an ass out of yourself by being weak.

 

There are no good options for you to "seal the deal" with her. All you can do now is go out of your way to avoid the worst option, which is what you've been doing from the jump by orbiting and answering her contact. Not only are you making zero progress in your goal of reconciliation, but you are making zero progress in moving forward/evolving/improving. You're in limbo, and that's the worst place to be.

[loveiswar101]

Gotta say Simon talks sense. As my situation is actually as yours is, I to relate to what he says.

 

Highly recommend you do too !

[tsa902]

My ex called me two weeks ago saying she misses me and want to work things out. Last week she took back her words, saying that she doesn't know if she wants to work things out. She was being cold and quite harsh on me.

 

Last Sunday, she called me to apologies, she said her period just came and said she was just really grumpy in the way i responded to her, which caused her to lash out on me. She did say she would like to work things out, So, we planned a meeting for the next day.

Note: Every time i ask her out, she would doubt herself, I asked her out maybe 2 to 3 times but I was gently put down.

 

Lunch was great, lots of laughs. We ended up going back to my place, we had drinks, we played cards but we didn't do anything intimate. She was close to me, but not as close to bf/gf like. We spent the day on my bed but nothing happen, no kissing, just friendly, fun, moment. I went for a little kiss on her lips, she didn't move back, nor did she kiss me back either; she just laid there. When we say goodbye, we hug, no kisses.

 

I was wondering what should i do from here onwards. When I initiate contact, its blunt and awkward. When i plan dates, she puts me down gently with the response of 'il see, maybe'. What should i do? I do love her, but should i be the one to pursue her, or wait till she contacts me? Should i ever initiate contact?

 

I do want to just go back to being in a relationship with her. We had a really good time yesterday. Perhaps im rushing things, im not sure.

[casey.lives]

it sounds like a great time. a few more of those and you should be well of our way. when people let you be around them... that's huge. people under-appreciate "access" . things are looking up

[Arieswoman]

Q.Is she wasting my time?

 

A. Yes.

 

Don't be her back-up plan.

 

My ex called me two weeks ago saying she misses me and want to work things out. Last week she took back her words, saying that she doesn't know if she wants to work things out. She was being cold and quite harsh on me.

 

Last Sunday, she called me to apologies, she said her period just came and said she was just really grumpy in the way i responded to her, which caused her to lash out on me. She did say she would like to work things out, So, we planned a meeting for the next day.

Note: Every time i ask her out, she would doubt herself, I asked her out maybe 2 to 3 times but I was gently put down.

 

Why would you want to be with someone who is so undecided about you?

[lolablue17]

The math goes like this:

 

Every time she feels low or that she has no value on the market, she turns to you. When you show some enthusiasm, you automatically raise her value in her eyes, and when she feels high again, she doesn't want you - That loop again and again.

 

Make a test - Next time when she calls you tell her that you're not sure because you're interested also in another girl. This will lower her value - and with our math rules - She will want you more.

Edited July 14, 2015 by lolablue17

[irishguy]

Dont do anything , let her come to you if she wants to work things out ,i wouldnt wait for her call .

[aloneinaz]

Do the same thing to her as she's doing to you. Let her be your plan B while you're looking for someone else who wants to be your plan A.

 

 

Don't contact her and don't be so available to her if/when she contacts you. Did I mention that you should be aggressively finding someone new who wants to be with you all the time?

[dumbass2]

Is she wasting me time? Short answer, yes

 

I do love her, but should i be the one to pursue her

you already have. you've been asking her out and she is not very receptive

 

or wait till she contacts me?

Don't wait for anything. You're moving on with your life. Your busy, you have things to do.

 

Should i ever initiate contact?

No, she knows how you feel and what you want by your actions. You tried kissing her and you kissed a dead fish

 

I do want to just go back to being in a relationship with her.

She knows what you want. She is showing you she really doesn't want that

 

We had a really good time yesterday.

You had a really good time yesterday

 

Perhaps im rushing things, im not sure.

Yes, you are. You need to back away now because you are not in the right emotional state to deal with where she is at. She is not on the same page as you. Take her actions and how you are feeling about them to mean everything. Her words mean very little to nothings at this point. I don't get a feeling that you are the point to try and deal with getting back with her. You need to be on an even playing field with your feelings and emotions to try and make it work and you are not. You have tried and see where it has gotten you. She's just not that interested. She knows she is in control and will use that to her advantage and that for her is probably just to know you're still around while she searches for the right guy for her.

[Simon Phoenix]

You are continuing to shoot yourself in the foot here.

[NopeNah]

You're wasting your own time. She's doing whatever she wants,when ever she wants. You're here asking this question..Golden rule: If you have to ask, odds are you already know the answer. "Ghost" her.

[Maximeemixam]

I have Been 4 and a half years with her and we had a couple of in and out because of me i must admit. A month ago we broke up for good (i thought) then one day she texted me asking how i was and that she wanted to talk about us, i said yes so we went for a walk and she asked me how was i feelings about her Now so i was honest and told her that i still wanted to be with her! And she told me the same thing saying that she wanted to live the rest of her life with me just to be short we ended passing the night together the morning after she told me that she wasnt thinking the same anymore and that she wasnt certain anymore, that she didnt felt the butterfly.... What should i do?? Keep trying of just try to Move on???

[Simon Phoenix]

I have Been 4 and a half years with her and we had a couple of in and out because of me i must admit. A month ago we broke up for good (i thought) then one day she texted me asking how i was and that she wanted to talk about us, i said yes so we went for a walk and she asked me how was i feelings about her Now so i was honest and told her that i still wanted to be with her! And she told me the same thing saying that she wanted to live the rest of her life with me just to be short we ended passing the night together the morning after she told me that she wasnt thinking the same anymore and that she wasnt certain anymore, that she didnt felt the butterfly.... What should i do?? Keep trying of just try to Move on???

 

You need to start your own thread, not hijack another person's.

[tsa902]

Hey guys, Just need to rant and want to have advice.

 

I really believe my ex has given me hot,cold treatment as well as making me a second option. She doesn't understand how painful it is to be the 'second best'

 

Two weeks ago she called saying that 'she misses me and wants to work things out'. During the call I asked her if she wanted to go to the night festival with me and she replied with 'Id love to go'. Days later she messaged me saying ' I dont know, its not a good idea, i think we should take thing slow'.

 

After having four days of no contact from her (no idea why) , I went shopping and asked if we could grab a coffee together but she refuses and acts cold to me. Two days later she apologized and stated that she was in a bitter mood since it was her time of the month. She suggested that she wanted to come over to my place. We had lunch , came to my place and had so much fun. I was happy again. I thought that this could actually work out

 

However after day, I haven't heard anything from her since then. its as if she vanished. I asked if she was busy on the weekend and she was. So i guess we cant hang out. I told her to call me if she wanted to hang out. From there onward I don't want to contact her.

 

NOTE

Whenever I go NC, she calls within one to two weeks saying that she misses me and wanna work things out. I always fall for it because I pick up as soon as she calls and I do agree that im too nice. But thats my personality. Ive always been nice. If i dont pick up the phone, she starts blowing my phone, calling me 6 times, leaving me 'wtf..seriously' messages that make me guilty.

 

I hate being the choice rather than a priority, because for me, she is one of my top priority.

 

What can I do to make her value me, to see me as a person that is worth fighting for. Every time when she contacts me when i try to walk away, she gets angry and all moody.

 

I do want to reconcile. I feel like shes taking the piss out of me.

 

I just want to know how should I behave when she calls? I know for a fact that I will pick up. What should I say? How should i prepare myself?

Should i be a complete dick? be cold?

[Qboro90]

She's toying with you. Every time you go no contact and show any sign of moving on from her she reaches out to see if she could still have you back if she felt like it and you jump at the chance each and every time. You're in the palm of her hand and she knows it and exploiting it. Gotta stand up for yourself and make the tough decision to not answer her texts or calls when she reaches out to you. The only reason she is doing it is to stroke her ego and make sure that you're still available. Do you really want to be that guy?

 

Also you never mentioned who ended the relationship and why. If she ended things then you really do come off as desperate by trying to hard to get back together with her. All you have to do the next time she contacts you is say "listen I've made it very clear to you that I'd like to see you and you've gone back and forth every time. If you can't decide whether or not you want to be with me then that's the answer right there for me. I want a girl who knows I'm the guy for her and since you can't tell me that I need to separate myself from you and start moving on because it's impossible to do when you're playing these on again off again games every other week".

 

If you can't do that then at least make yourself sound busy when she tries to contact you. Don't reply for a day or two. Say "sorry I was out he other night, forgot to text you back, what's up". You need to be less available to her.

[tsa902]

Hey thanks for the rapid response!

We've been bestfriends for 4 years and my girlfriend for 2 years. She broke up with me because i just wasn't there for her. The first reason was that I missed her birthday because my grandma was ill so i had to go overseas. She forgave me and she was upset which was understandable.

 

Then after two months, she invited me to her family party which is the same day as my friends party. I told her that i planned to go to my friends party who I accepted one month prior. She asked me all of a sudden (one week before the date of both parties). When i told her that I have already it. She ended it with me.

 

She said I was a little bit insecure because she is at uni. Her course has like 90% males and 10% female so..maybe i stuffed up. I became insecure, needy.

 

But as i reflect back on the relationship, we both had amazing times. It was just the last two months that have been rocky. Like, i know my mistakes and all, but yeah...just a bit lost and confused and its driving me insane

[Qboro90]

Whoa... This girl seems completely out of touch with reality. She broke up with you because your family member died and you had to go overseas to be with your family?!? How heartless could she be? And you had no reason to apologize for that, if anything she should've apologized for being so cold and selfish about a stupid birthday when your family had a death in it. I sense that you let this girl walk all over you and she knows it.

 

Also the party plans break up. Does she expect you to drop everything to do what she wants? You had previous plans that were set, you explained that, she should've understood. Breaking up with you over such ridiculous things is a really bad sign going forward. If she breaks up with you over things like that then you will be walking on egg shells the entire relationship. And even when she is as fault she breaks up with you... How could you want to stay with that? You could really do so much better than this girl. Take this time apart to explore what else is out there, take another girl on a date. I think once you see that not all girls act they way your ex did then it will help you get over her and realize you should've broke up with her a long time ago.

[tsa902]

I know Its painful all of a sudden for her to end things. Well right now, I have started NC and I guarantee she will call either this Sunday or next weekend.

 

I understand the importance of meeting her family, I do believe that what she has done its kind of extreme. I will say some of the things you mentioned above and see what she think. Il post some updates.

 

She said to me that her family wanted to meet me for some time and I rejected twice. She said those people were her closest and amazing people to her. So yeah...not much to say anymore.

 

Im gonna be honest, shes pretty high on my priority list. She needs to be removed from that position since im not there.