Suspect BF Is Cheating On His Solo Vacation

[d0nnivain]

No I only date and sleep with 1 guy at a time. He on the other hand told me when we first met that he was sleeping with other people but when he asked me to be his main girl said he dropped them. And by the way, asking me to be his main girl implies that he will continue to see other people.

 

I'm confused.

 

To me being exclusive means you only have sex with each other & nobody has an active OLD profile.

 

I don't know what a "main chick" means. If you understood it to mean that you would get the Saturday night dates & go on vacation with him, but that he would still have others on the side, I can see where you would say no thanks. However, to me, part of no thanks is also you not having sex with him until you know that you are the only one.

 

From the above it sounds like he offered to stop seeing other women IF you took down your profile, which you refused to do. So that to me means he's free to have sex with others.

 

I really don't understand your logic of not taking the profile down. If you only date 1 person at a time & you are dating him & sleeping with him, where is the benefit to you of having a profile up? You are not making sense here.

 

As for his behavior, we can all speculate about what he's doing, you included but that is not evidence. If he responds when you reach out but doesn't initiate that may still only be a function of he's on vacation. I despise talking to people back home when I'm on vacation.

 

Wait out his return then talk to him.

[ElleD]

Dating and sleeping with one person at a time is the definition of being exclusive. You are saying one thing, and doing something else entirely.

 

Besides you agreed to be his "main girl" while you understand that he will continue to see other people.

 

So what's the problem? Either you want exclusivity or you don't.

 

If you want exclusivity, then tell him so, and there is no room for any one else in the relationship and there's no room for an online dating profile to be active.

 

If you want "main girl status" and keep your profile up, then he's ok doing whatever he wants on his trip.

 

Make up your mind, and do it fast because I don't think his flight is going to be delayed.

I never agreed to be his Main Girl. I would never give him a free pass to cheat on me like that

[wizer]

Wait out his return then talk to him.

 

They should have the talk NOW.

 

If she's willing to give him exclusivity and she'll pull her dating profile in exchange for him promising not to screw around when he's on his trip, they're off to a good start.

 

The way things stand now, they're both battling jealousy and resentment, this thing won't last until he goes away, let alone if he meets somebody while he's there.

[ElleD]

I'm confused.

 

To me being exclusive means you only have sex with each other & nobody has an active OLD profile.

 

I don't know what a "main chick" means. If you understood it to mean that you would get the Saturday night dates & go on vacation with him, but that he would still have others on the side, I can see where you would say no thanks. However, to me, part of no thanks is also you not having sex with him until you know that you are the only one.

 

From the above it sounds like he offered to stop seeing other women IF you took down your profile, which you refused to do. So that to me means he's free to have sex with others.

 

I really don't understand your logic of not taking the profile down. If you only date 1 person at a time & you are dating him & sleeping with him, where is the benefit to you of having a profile up? You are not making sense here.

 

As for his behavior, we can all speculate about what he's doing, you included but that is not evidence. If he responds when you reach out but doesn't initiate that may still only be a function of he's on vacation. I despise talking to people back home when I'm on vacation.

 

Wait out his return then talk to him.

 

Main chick means I'm #1 in his harem of women. In other words, ratified cheating. Everyone is so focused on my profile being up but no one is focused on his intentions...Either way he's winning and having all the non committal relationships he wants whether I do as he says and take my profile down or not (i.e. keep my profile up or just leave him).

[ElleD]

They should have the talk NOW.

 

If she's willing to give him exclusivity and she'll pull her dating profile in exchange for him promising not to screw around when he's on his trip, they're off to a good start.

 

The way things stand now, they're both battling jealousy and resentment, this thing won't last until he goes away, let alone if he meets somebody while he's there.

 

Well he's been there 6 days now! Comes back tomorrow night...So I'm sure he's screwed at least one girl to death by now...

[wizer]

Main chick means I'm #1 in his harem of women. In other words, ratified cheating. Everyone is so focused on my profile being up but no one is focused on his intentions...Either way he's winning and having all the non committal relationships he wants whether I do as he says and take my profile down or not (i.e. keep my profile up or just leave him).

 

I guess I misunderstood.

 

I thought he would agree to be exclusive with you if you took down your profile, but you're saying he's still going to screw around with other women regardless of what you do.

 

In which case he's probably not a good fit for you since you want to be only with him but he's got a whole boatload of women to spend his free nights with.

[d0nnivain]

Main chick means I'm #1 in his harem of women. In other words, ratified cheating. Everyone is so focused on my profile being up but no one is focused on his intentions...Either way he's winning and having all the non committal relationships he wants whether I do as he says and take my profile down or not (i.e. keep my profile up or just leave him).

 

OK. If being his Main Chick meant you got some stupid title / ranking in his harem but there were still other women, what made you think there would be no other women when you said No thank you to his offer? I would have assumed that means that the other women continue so I would have declined the invitation to be intimate, yet you did not.

 

You said you two were going to talk about being exclusive in September when your subscription expired.

 

So if you are not his "main chick" and you are not exclusive, where in there was he supposed to understand that sleeping with other women was unacceptable to you?

 

Also we still have no proof that he is sleeping with somebody else on this trip .. . we have you drawing that conclusion because he was upset when you learned where he was staying & he doesn't initiate contact with you while he's away.

[ElleD]

OK. If being his Main Chick meant you got some stupid title / ranking in his harem but there were still other women, what made you think there would be no other women when you said No thank you to his offer? I would have assumed that means that the other women continue so I would have declined the invitation to be intimate, yet you did not.

 

You said you two were going to talk about being exclusive in September when your subscription expired.

 

So if you are not his "main chick" and you are not exclusive, where in there was he supposed to understand that sleeping with other women was unacceptable to you?

 

Also we still have no proof that he is sleeping with somebody else on this trip .. . we have you drawing that conclusion because he was upset when you learned where he was staying & he doesn't initiate contact with you while he's away.

That's not an assumption...He told me point blank that "it was just me and him now" about a month ago and that he had cut all of his other women off for me. That's why I now call him my bf. But then right before his trip is started being shady suspicious so that's why I think he's cheating now on that vacation of his.

 

And by shady/suspicious I mean 1)declining to have sex with me when he hadn't seen me for a week and was going on his vacation for another week, 2) refusing to discuss future trip plans (other than our trip next week) when before we were discussing loads of trip ideas, 3) not wanting to add his gmail profile to my computer, 4) not wanting me to know where he's staying and now 5)not initiating any calls or texts to me while he's been down there for a week.

Edited July 24, 2015 by ElleD

[wizer]

That's not an assumption...He told me point blank that "it was just me and him now" about a month ago and that he had cut all of his other women off for me.

 

This poor dude tells you that he's "all yours" and he's dumped everyone else... and you won't even remove your dating profile and now on top of that you're scared he's gonna cheat on you. He tried. I totally get his frustration. He basically gave himself to you and you sold him out for the cost of a dating site subscription renewal.

 

You are your own worst enemy.

[smackie9]

Doesn't matter what we say or think because it is just speculation, not fact. If you don't like what you see, then dump him....simple as that because there is no way anyone can provide you proof of anything.

[d0nnivain]

OK with this last clarification (#33) I am beginning to understand. Even though you didn't take your profile down he told you that it was just you & him. However, you two still agreed that you would put off the "exclusive talk" until September.

 

Can you see how that is confusing on both sides? To took his statement that he was just you & him to mean that you were exclusive. However, he may have shared that news as a temporary status change but believed that because you had declined his offer to be his Main Chick, declined to go on the trip with (I understand you have valid reasons -- work & finances) and had yet to agree to be exclusive that he remained free to do whatever & whoever on this trip?

 

Again, though I caution you all of your so called "evidence" is not proof. Yes, it does merit further inquiry but it can almost all be explained away innocently by a desire to unplug & a desire for privacy. You have to talk to him & not blow up at him based on rampant speculation.

[ElleD]

This poor dude tells you that he's "all yours" and he's dumped everyone else... and you won't even remove your dating profile and now on top of that you're scared he's gonna cheat on you. He tried. I totally get his frustration. He basically gave himself to you and you sold him out for the cost of a dating site subscription renewal.

 

You are your own worst enemy.

 

That poor dude has been inconsistent with his words and actions the entire time! One minute we're exclusive, the next minute we're waiting til the end of summer to see where things go, then now it's I don't want you to know where I'm staying at because I'm bring my side chick with me...Either way I better not do any of this to him! #whatever

[ExpatInItaly]

That poor dude has been inconsistent with his words and actions the entire time! One minute we're exclusive, the next minute we're waiting til the end of summer to see where things go, then now it's I don't want you to know where I'm staying at because I'm bring my side chick with me...Either way I better not do any of this to him! #whatever

 

So why on earth are you still hanging on?

 

You teach people how to treat you.

[wizer]

That poor dude has been inconsistent with his words and actions the entire time! One minute we're exclusive, the next minute we're waiting til the end of summer to see where things go

 

You said that it was YOUR decision to wait until the end of the summer to be exclusive because that's when your subscription runs out.

 

All of that secret vacation stuff happened AFTERWARDS.

[ElleD]

So why on earth are you still hanging on?

 

You teach people how to treat you.

 

True but what do I do about our trip that's coming up in 6 days? If I dump him now I take a huge financial hit. Or should I talk to him first and see how he's acting first before I dump him and cancel the trip?

[ElleD]

You said that it was YOUR decision to wait until the end of the summer to be exclusive because that's when your subscription runs out.

 

All of that secret vacation stuff happened AFTERWARDS.

 

Yea he basically told me "Let's wait til the end of the summer when your subscription expires and see what happens until then" and I said okay.

[d0nnivain]

True but what do I do about our trip that's coming up in 6 days? If I dump him now I take a huge financial hit. Or should I talk to him first and see how he's acting first before I dump him and cancel the trip?

 

Don't dump him based on what you fear happened during his vacation. Talk to him. If he was with other women, you remain free to break up with him. If he wasn't use this vacation time to learn to communicate better.

[ElleD]

Don't dump him based on what you fear happened during his vacation. Talk to him. If he was with other women, you remain free to break up with him. If he wasn't use this vacation time to learn to communicate better.

 

I'm not sure how I'm even going to mention this to him...When I spoke with him on Wednesday, he almost got defensive and upset when I asked him did he make any friends to pal around with and hang out with to go to the beach, jet skiing, nightclub, etc....He thought I was going to ask him if he has a girl there to accompany him I can tell.

[d0nnivain]

This relationship is already teetering on the brink of implosion so I'd go for broke & lay your cards out.

 

tell him you felt jealous & suspicious while he was gone & that your mind jumped to call sorts of unflattering conclusions. Tell him that based on that you would appreciate the truth from him about his vacation activities. If he balks, walk away. If he tells you resist the urge to assume he is lying.

[ElleD]

This relationship is already teetering on the brink of implosion so I'd go for broke & lay your cards out.

 

tell him you felt jealous & suspicious while he was gone & that your mind jumped to call sorts of unflattering conclusions. Tell him that based on that you would appreciate the truth from him about his vacation activities. If he balks, walk away. If he tells you resist the urge to assume he is lying.

 

And I'm going to add how the jealousy and suspicion came about (i.e. his irrational behavior leading up to his trip and his lack of calls/texts during the trip.) Him failing to initiate any communication with me is aggravating the problem since he promised that he would call me. It makes it seem like either he doesn't care about me, isn't thinking about me, and/or cannot call or text me because he's with another woman.

[d0nnivain]

I think you do need to communicate those things but you have to do it in the right frame of mind & using the right tone. If you attack him the conversation will quickly escalate to a fight which will end your relationship. You need to couch most of what you say in terms of how you felt, how you reacted & how you experienced all these things. Anything you say accusatory will make things worse.

 

For example if you say he failed to call you & that's what upset you it will be bad. Instead say you felt bad & you were disappointed that you didn't have more contact. That's not a perfect to express it either but be gentle & keep your voice soft.

 

It may be that you are right & he's been screwing half the island but diplomacy is still the best starting point.

[smackie9]

True but what do I do about our trip that's coming up in 6 days? If I dump him now I take a huge financial hit. Or should I talk to him first and see how he's acting first before I dump him and cancel the trip?

 

 

So why heavy invest financially in a trip with a guy you have only known for 3 months???

 

 

And if your trip is so costly, How is it he can afford to go with you but can't afford to even pay a portion for you to go on his trip??

[ElleD]

So why heavy invest financially in a trip with a guy you have only known for 3 months???

 

 

And if your trip is so costly, How is it he can afford to go with you but can't afford to even pay a portion for you to go on his trip??

 

He purchased the trip while he was still working and had money coming in. He works a seasonal job where he's off for the summer. But even with that, he said he couldn't afford to pay for me to come on both trips with him and he apologized for inviting me in the first place he said he was just overwhelmed with his emotions and didn't think about the financial aspect until he and I sat down and started looking at quotes.

[Mrin]

Ok read through this all. Not even going to comment on the I didn't take my profile down because the subscription renewed tortured logic...

 

You weren't exclusive regardless of what you might have intimated. Your profile is still active.

 

Since you weren't exclusive there is no cheating. Heck you don't even know if he did anything yet.

 

You are mostly responsible for this mess.

 

And you don't like the mess you made. As Shakespeare once wrote, "you find yourself hoisted on your own petard"

[Mrin]

Oh I guess I should also give some advice.

 

I think you should just sit tight and wait for him to come back. You might want to stop reaching out as much. Right now you are feeling lost because he is out of touch. Maybe he needs to feel a little of the same.

 

When he comes back sit down and have a real discussion. Not about what he did down there or you up here. But rather what you guys want going forward. And then decide on your trip. Until then it is just fear speculation.

 

Best of luck!