Author ElleD Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 Oh I guess I should also give some advice. I think you should just sit tight and wait for him to come back. You might want to stop reaching out as much. Right now you are feeling lost because he is out of touch. Maybe he needs to feel a little of the same. When he comes back sit down and have a real discussion. Not about what he did down there or you up here. But rather what you guys want going forward. And then decide on your trip. Until then it is just fear speculation. Best of luck! I texted him twice and called him once. He's been online this morning so he could've called or texted me today...I'm not contacting him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 25, 2015 Author Share Posted July 25, 2015 Ok read through this all. Not even going to comment on the I didn't take my profile down because the subscription renewed tortured logic... You weren't exclusive regardless of what you might have intimated. Your profile is still active. Since you weren't exclusive there is no cheating. Heck you don't even know if he did anything yet. You are mostly responsible for this mess. And you don't like the mess you made. As Shakespeare once wrote, "you find yourself hoisted on your own petard" Remember, so far, he only offered "Main Girl" status, not exclusivity... Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Remember, so far, he only offered "Main Girl" status, not exclusivity... When he said he was dropping all his other girls, and it was just "him and you" that was him telling you that he was willing to be exclusive. Unfortunately it went right over your head, for reasons that are unclear because it's pretty freaking obvious that when he says it's just him and you and no other girls that well, um, there are no other girls. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 25, 2015 Author Share Posted July 25, 2015 When he said he was dropping all his other girls, and it was just "him and you" that was him telling you that he was willing to be exclusive. Unfortunately it went right over your head, for reasons that are unclear because it's pretty freaking obvious that when he says it's just him and you and no other girls that well, um, there are no other girls. Probably because, shortly thereafter, he went back to saying let's talk about it again in September when the profile expires. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Probably because, shortly thereafter, he went back to saying let's talk about it again in September when the profile expires. I'm still not clear whose idea it was to keep the profile online. First you make it sound like it was totally your idea, because you didn't want to waste the renewal. Then you say you only kept it up because he's with other girls even though you are his "main one". Then you say he dropped everyone else and wanted to be just you and him aka "exclusive". Now you say he's waffled and he's the one who is saying keep the dating profile online (because he wants to screw around with other women). If I have this much trouble understanding you, it's probably safe to say that the two of you don't communicate clearly and there's lots of misunderstandings. At the very least, neither one of you seems to be sure what you want. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 That's what he offered to me that's why I told him I'm keeping my profile up. Even still, he would be livid (probably stop talking to me) if I treated him like this on my solo vacation So to make sure I understand, he said you'd be the MAIN person he'd be seeing, but he's still dating others as well. I'd keep my profile up too. In fact, I'd be using this week to meet other people since you two are NOT exclusive and you've got all this free time on your hands. Furthermore, I would assume anything he's been up to right before he left as well as his current vacation 'activity' really can't be considered 'cheating' if you're not exclusive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 Oh I guess I should also give some advice. I think you should just sit tight and wait for him to come back. You might want to stop reaching out as much. Right now you are feeling lost because he is out of touch. Maybe he needs to feel a little of the same. When he comes back sit down and have a real discussion. Not about what he did down there or you up here. But rather what you guys want going forward. And then decide on your trip. Until then it is just fear speculation. Best of luck! So he finally texted me on Saturday. He was at the airport and he said he missed his flight so he won't be coming home until tomorrow night. I called him back and we talked for awhile mostly about he missed flight situation. He needed help finding a rental car and a new hotel so I helped him find both. He said he was going out later on that night but he would call me back tomorrow. I just find it odd that he never initiated any calls or texts to while during his vacation at the other resort. He said the internet connection was poor there but when I initiated calls and texts to him during his vacation he responded back in no time. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 So he finally texted me on Saturday. He was at the airport and he said he missed his flight so he won't be coming home until tomorrow night. I called him back and we talked for awhile mostly about he missed flight situation. He needed help finding a rental car and a new hotel so I helped him find both. He said he was going out later on that night but he would call me back tomorrow. I just find it odd that he never initiated any calls or texts to while during his vacation at the other resort. He said the internet connection was poor there but when I initiated calls and texts to him during his vacation he responded back in no time. Did you pay for this? I hope not. He didn't reach out because he didn't want to. Plain and simple. This isn't a big mystery, unfortunately. You're not his girlfriend, and he's not treating you as such. He contacted you only when he needed your help. And you jumped right to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 Did you pay for this? I hope not. He didn't reach out because he didn't want to. Plain and simple. This isn't a big mystery, unfortunately. You're not his girlfriend, and he's not treating you as such. He contacted you only when he needed your help. And you jumped right to it. No he paid for it. But wow this seems very cold now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 No he paid for it. But wow this seems very cold now. And he said he had a late checkout at that other resort Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Probably because, shortly thereafter, he went back to saying let's talk about it again in September when the profile expires. Please clarify something. What did YOU say right when he FIRST offered to only date/sleep with you?? I mean, BEFORE the "shortly thereafter". Did you say "Great!"?? Or did you say "Well, I have this profile and it expires in September..." Please be CLEAR on the order in which things were said and offered. It is all very vague. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 Please clarify something. What did YOU say right when he FIRST offered to only date/sleep with you?? I mean, BEFORE the "shortly thereafter". Did you say "Great!"?? Or did you say "Well, I have this profile and it expires in September..." Please be CLEAR on the order in which things were said and offered. It is all very vague. Here's the timeline: 1.He said he was seeing other people (time we first met) 2. He asked me to take down my profile since we're spending so much time together.I told him I just renewed my subscription days prior and it expires in September (about 1 month after we met) 3. He asked me to be his main girl. I declined and told him I want exclusivity. (about 1 week later) 4. He asked me (while we were having sex) do you want to be with me? I said okay (about 2 weeks later) 4. He told me it's just me and him and that he loves me and asked that I never leave. I didn't say anything back because we were having sex again at that time(about 1 week later) 5. He said let's wait til September when my profile expires. In the meantime we'll just date and see what happens (2 weeks later). 6. He starts acting strange and distancing himself, goes on vacation, doesn't initiate calls/text during that time other than when he's at the departing and arriving airports (3 weeks later) I just texted him and asked him to call me as soon as he comes back tonight to talk about all this... Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) If I was dating a girl and asked her to be exclusive, and she said "No, not until my dating profile expires", and I was going away on a trip, I'd almost want to cheat on her on purpose just because of her saying that. Yeah gotta agree with wizer (and others who said same thing). Not wanting to be exclusive cuz your membership won't expire until September has gotta be one of the lamest excuses I have ever heard..... And since you are not exclusive, then if he does choose to hang out/have sex with another chick while on vacation, that is not cheating. That is him exercising other options as he is not in an exclusive RL....because his "girlfriend " doesn't want to be until her membership expires. Crazy. Edited July 26, 2015 by katiegrl 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Here's the timeline: 1.He said he was seeing other people (time we first met) 2. He asked me to take down my profile since we're spending so much time together.I told him I just renewed my subscription days prior and it expires in September (about 1 month after we met) 3. He asked me to be his main girl. I declined and told him I want exclusivity. (about 1 week later) 4. He asked me (while we were having sex) do you want to be with me? I said okay (about 2 weeks later) 4. He told me it's just me and him and that he loves me and asked that I never leave. I didn't say anything back because we were having sex again at that time(about 1 week later) 5. He said let's wait til September when my profile expires. In the meantime we'll just date and see what happens (2 weeks later). 6. He starts acting strange and distancing himself, goes on vacation, doesn't initiate calls/text during that time other than when he's at the departing and arriving airports (3 weeks later) I just texted him and asked him to call me as soon as he comes back tonight to talk about all this... Number 5 -- so HE was the one who did not want exclusivity until YOUR membership expires? I am so confused now... Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Here's the timeline: 1.He said he was seeing other people (time we first met) 2. He asked me to take down my profile since we're spending so much time together.I told him I just renewed my subscription days prior and it expires in September (about 1 month after we met) 3. He asked me to be his main girl. I declined and told him I want exclusivity. (about 1 week later) 4. He asked me (while we were having sex) do you want to be with me? I said okay (about 2 weeks later) 4. He told me it's just me and him and that he loves me and asked that I never leave. I didn't say anything back because we were having sex again at that time(about 1 week later) 5. He said let's wait til September when my profile expires. In the meantime we'll just date and see what happens (2 weeks later). 6. He starts acting strange and distancing himself, goes on vacation, doesn't initiate calls/text during that time other than when he's at the departing and arriving airports (3 weeks later) I just texted him and asked him to call me as soon as he comes back tonight to talk about all this... Thank you - that's very helpful. I now can see your original reference to the profile thing (point 2) as a bit of a defence mechanism. However, in point 4, which I bolded, is where it really went off the rails. He made a clear statement that he LOVES you and you didn't respond. I take it (not entirely clear TBH) that you thought it was obvious or something? I don't really get the "because we were having sex again at that time". How would YOU feel if you told a guy you loved him and he said nothing in return? In light of the timeline, can't see this guy's behaviour as that wrong. Sorry. I am glad that you are reaching out to talk to him, but there are a lot of layers of poor communication and distrust here. Could be tough to sort through. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 Thank you - that's very helpful. I now can see your original reference to the profile thing (point 2) as a bit of a defence mechanism. However, in point 4, which I bolded, is where it really went off the rails. He made a clear statement that he LOVES you and you didn't respond. I take it (not entirely clear TBH) that you thought it was obvious or something? I don't really get the "because we were having sex again at that time". How would YOU feel if you told a guy you loved him and he said nothing in return? In light of the timeline, can't see this guy's behaviour as that wrong. Sorry. I am glad that you are reaching out to talk to him, but there are a lot of layers of poor communication and distrust here. Could be tough to sort through. Regarding #4, honestly I was just stunned and confused. Wasn't sure if he was serious about it or not because he was saying these things during sex. Normally he doesn't talk like that. In between the points I mentioned, he would go off on tangents talking about his "bullet macking" on POF and messaging several women at a time and about how he's single. That's why I just kept my profile up because I don't really know what parts are real or not real with him. And points 3 and 4 were unlike the times where he asked me to take my profile down and be his main girl because those were real face to face conversations when he asked me that. I want to believe him, I just need consistency with his actions and words. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Why should he believe you? Your consistent actions and words say NOT EXCLUSIVE. Is your dating profile still up? Of course it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 ElleD With that time line, this mess is primarily your fault. You rejected his offer of exclusivity, you didn't respond to the ILY and you are pushing him away. You don't get to be pissed at anyone other than yourself about what if anything he did during this vacation because every time he tried to deepen the relationship you rebuffed him. If he sought consolation & comfort in the arms of another woman, I can't blame him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 And we're not exclusive yet because I'm waiting for my subscription to expire in September, then we will talk about exclusivity then. But we both know that doing something like sleeping with someone else would hurt the others feelings so that's why I call it cheating. If you're not exclusive, he's not your boyfriend, and it's not cheating. You have no rights to be upset with him at this point given you're keeping your own options open by refusing to take your profile down. You can't expect him to not date or even sleep with other people. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 ElleD With that time line, this mess is primarily your fault. You rejected his offer of exclusivity, you didn't respond to the ILY and you are pushing him away. You don't get to be pissed at anyone other than yourself about what if anything he did during this vacation because every time he tried to deepen the relationship you rebuffed him. If he sought consolation & comfort in the arms of another woman, I can't blame him Since when does saying ILU during the heat of the moment (sex) count? And how am I pushing him away when he's been waffling with me since we met? Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 I don't know Elle - I have had guys tell me ILU for the first time during sex. That didn't mean it was fake. What we are saying is that you don't seem to be able to view things from his perspective. As I said, there's a lot of mistrust here. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 One minute we're exclusive, the next minute we're waiting til the end of summer to see where things go, We met online and he's asked me to take my online dating profile down twice but I haven't done it yet because my subscription just renewed til the end of summer. So he said he will ask me again when summer is over and for now, we'll continue to date and see what happens. Why am I the villan for just letting my profile expire in September? that's why I told him I'm keeping my profile up. There is no "we're waiting" nothing. YOU are the one waiting til september because you won't deactivate your profile. Therefore, you two do not have exclusivity and as such, he is behaving like a man who is not in an exclusive relationship. And those guys don't check in on a regular basis with someone they're not obligated to report to about their whereabouts. Your problem is that you want to have your cake and eat it, too. Would have just been simpler to deactivate the account since you only deal with one man at a time and especially when he told you that he was putting the other girls aside. You chose the short-sighted path and now you're seeing how doing that doesn't pay dividends. You're expecting more from this investment than you've put into it. He's showing you exactly what to expect for what you've invested, which is fair. You can also break things off with him if keeping your subscription was worth more to you than his exclusivity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 So is he back yet???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElleD Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 So is he back yet???? So we had a heart-to-heart talk last night. He didn't want to have "the talk" and he did everything he could to try avoiding it (buying my favorite meal, watching my favorite show, etc). But we finally talked and I just apologized for accusing him of cheating because he can't cheat since we're not exclusive. But I did tell him that his behavior the last few weeks has been very odd and distant and I gave him all the examples from my original post here. I basically asked him was he still interested in dating me and he said yes he was but not exclusively because my divorce isn't finalized yet. He told me once my divorce is finalized, then we can talk about exclusivity then but until then I'm just his Main girl. And he said he's okay with me having my profile up since I'm not really using it anyway. But at the same time, he doesn't want me to sleep with other men! I told him he can't have it both ways - if we're not exclusive then I'm free to date (and sleep) with other people too! I also told him I don't want him sleeping with other people either! As far as him seeing someone else, first he said he's seeing someone but she's "insignificant"...But two other times he said he's not seeing anyone else. So he's still playing games there. But he did assure me that he did not bring anyone with him on his vacation nor did he sleep with anyone either. He said he only invited me to come and he wished I was there because he had so much fun. And he said he didn't call or text me much because he was really worried about getting the extra charges for phone calls/texts. But he said he did think about me often and he even brought me back a nice gift. Judging by his body language, I believe him. So our trip is still on. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 This is what I don't get....he doesn't want you to sleep with other men (or see other men) and you don't want him sleeping with other women, or date other women....so what would you call that? Exclusivity. You both are being silly....it is what it is. I would never want to be someone's "main girl" He sounds like pimp. I would want to be their "one and only girl". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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