Clueless53 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Please feel free to review all my prior posts for any specific details of my situation. My last update was that my W and I were going to try what I labeled as a "trial divorce". At that time I knew my marriage was over and started to move on with my life. Sure there were times when I was lonely and didn't think I could do it but now, for the first time in a long time, I am actually starting to feel happy again. Yesterday my W sent me a text at around 8 am, "I hate that I can't talk to you." WTF!!! We talked last night and she completely lost it, I'm talking full blown panic attack! She wants me back, she apologized for everything she did to me while we were suppose to be "working" on our marriage. She asked it if was too late, she wants me to take her back. I don't really know if I want to. I warned her this would happen, over and over again. While we were suppose to be "working" on our marriage she did everything she could to destroy it. She pushed me away, she abandoned me. She made me feel awful, she hurt me so bad. I really don't know if I want her back at all. I have finally started to be in a place where I have accepted that the marriage was over and started truly focusing on just me, now she wants me to focus on her. I told her I don't trust her. So many times during our separation she lied, tricked me, played games, did everything she could to push me away. I will not go through all that again. She is the mother of my children, we have been together 11 years, I love her and always will, but I really don't know if I want to be with her anymore. I told her I am open to the idea of trying again but it will be a while before I actually try. I am trying to focus on me, I want to be perfectly happy on my own and decide that I want to be with her. I don't know what to do, I think there might be too much hurt for either of us to really be the partner the other needs. Damn, women are so confusing! Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I think in times like these, it's best to REALISTICALLY evaluate the relationship. When I went through something similar, despite there being times that both of us wanted to work it out, the reality that finally dawned on me was this: after everything that has happened, what is realistically the best outcome here? Are we going to fix things and just live happily ever after? Often, I think the answer to that question is 'no'. Relationships have tipping points, and I think that 99% of the time a relationship tips, it's just over. It's like having a house burn down and just leaving a charred frame. Then, instead of leveling it and building a brand new house, you decide to slap drywall and a roof and a new floor down on the burned up frame. You know what? Maybe the house stays together, but the whole time you're living there, you are just waiting for the day when the whole thing caves in on top of you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clueless53 Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 Chicago, I think you nailed it. That's exactly how I feel. For so long she wasn't willing to work on things. She left me to my self and gave nothing but still wanted me to show her love and appreciation. Every time I did it was rejected, told it was the wrong way, too big of a gesture, or the small gestures went completely unnoticed. I'm truly afraid that if I do decide to take her back and work on our marriage its only a matter of time before it falls apart again. Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 There's often a great life waiting on the other side of a failed marriage. Trust me...I kept mine on life support for a long time. That fear of the unknown and letting go of the life you've built yourself into can be a real bitch. But once the dust settles, things get much better. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Don't fall for that garbage. If she cared, her actions would have matched her feelings. Instead she just throws out words and expects you to buy it. You two separated for a reason. Her behavior. Words don't change that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 What exactly did she apologize for? Was she specific? She must have done some pretty awful things to have that kind of reaction. Ask her to list what she's done. You may not know what she really feels bad about. Give it plenty of time to play out. No need to take her back so quickly. Just because she says it doesn't mean it changes a thing. You're the one to decide what's best for you - not her. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I think I would be cautious. This sounds like the case of well I looked and guess what there wasn't better out that so plan B please come back. If you do entertain it I would take your time. I would even suggest you possibly dating other women and be honest with her that you intend to do that. If she really wanted the marriage to work you wouldn't be here so she has to reprove herself just like anyone else would. C 2 Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Don't fall for that garbage. If she cared, her actions would have matched her feelings. Instead she just throws out words and expects you to buy it. You two separated for a reason. Her behavior. Words don't change that. Did you even read any of his previous threads? OP, You're in for a rough ride for a bit. I was in your position at er an 18 year marriage. The best thing you can do, is do nothing right now. Take some time to think... Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Did you even read any of his previous threads? OP, You're in for a rough ride for a bit. I was in your position at er an 18 year marriage. The best thing you can do, is do nothing right now. Take some time to think... I'm not going on a thread hunt. Sorry. Any information relevant should be provided in the original post or later clarified. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Just over 3 weeks ago my W asked for a trial separation, I kept trying but again was rejected each time. When I would contact her she would say she needed space, when I didn't reach out I was told I was ignoring her. When I tried to talk about "us" she would shut down and not want to talk. When I told her how she made me feel she wouldn't express and care for my feelings. A week ago she started talking with another guy. She said it was "nothing" and "we are just friends". She said he asked her on a date but she said it would not be appropriate because we were working on our marriage. All this and she kept texting him all day and night. When I would text her I would never get responses and was told it was because she was busy. I can see all the text message data on our cell account. She knows this. I can see that when she is "busy" and can't talk to me she is talking to him. One night we were texting and having a good conversation, I felt like we were starting to reconnect. Around 930p she told me she was getting tired and might fall asleep on me. She never texted again. That night the usage on the cell showed she texted him until 1am. I called her out on it and she made some excuse about how she did fall asleep and then woke back up and started texting him again. Never got a reason why she didn't text me. She has meet with him 3 times since that night. She said its not a date but a "friend" thing. She drove herself to meet him, pays for her drink, and goes home. I had a really bad day and broke down emotionally on Monday night. I told her I needed my wife, I needed my support. She came over and after an hour rushed out of the house saying she still needed to get home and clean up before going to bed. She left my house to meet him. Clueless, above is just one of the many mind games and outright deceptions your wife has subjected you to. What would make you think things would be any different going forward? Your wife may have simply run out of other easily available options. Not wanting to be alone isn't that same as specifically committing to being with you. Even if she doesn't understand the difference, important that you do... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
RJays7 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Have you been to any type of marriage counseling? If you are really serious about making your marriage work and making it stronger than before you definitely need to get outside help. This goes for both of you, not just you. I hope you can somehow figure out a way to make things work. Hugs to you! Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I think the bottom line here is - something you touched on in your initial post - trust. You don't trust her anymore. I would say the same if by some miracle my STBXW decided she wanted to come back. It's heartbreaking to endure the loss, but an even worse prospect to think about *almost* fully recovering, then going back to try again and then having your heart ripped out a second (or third) time. If the trust is gone, then IMO, the relationship is not salvageable. I'd keep my distance and keep focusing on you. Best of luck. KTB Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 She wants you back because her "Plan A's" didn't work out so hot. She misses you providing for her while she did whatever she wanted to. Don't get sucked back in as her Plan B. She's just panicking right now and is grasping at anything that is available. She only wants to work on things now because she has incentive to. The fact that you'll help her pick up the pieces of her life. She needs to do that on her own. If after that she still wants to work on it, then you have something to build on. Until then, you're just the "I guess he'll do for now" guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
macmillerpwnz Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 How old are you guys and did she leave you or cheat on you? Link to post Share on other sites
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