Contacted by estranged sister... Fed Up

[makeithappen]

Hello,

 

Today, I received yet another email from a sibling. The problem is that:

- none of the emails have been kind, except to some extent by my father

- it is the people who really were bystanders that are contacting me, and not my mum and my two problematic sisters

- none show care about my feelings

 

The message I received today:

 

- "makeithappen, give me ur new number ASAP". This was followed by the signature of my sister.

 

WHAT THE HELL? No greetings, no enquiry about how I am feeling, no 'Happy Eid' (it was Eid a few days ago and people send each other Eid greetings, like at Christmas).

 

It's like my sister feels entitled to my new number. Plus, I have already given it to my father. Maybe he has not told her he contacted me.

 

 

I am SO FED UP. I do not have a good feeling about her intentions. We were not close, and her message was quite rude. Who asks for a number like that?

 

 

I deleted it. I feel guilty about how I feel because truth be told, I HAVE NO DESIRE OF REKINDLING WITH THEM. I feel nothing for them anymore. I could not care less about anything that happens to them. I also don't think they have changed. On the two occasions that I had been contacted by siblings, the language was pretty violent. This new message by a third sibling is not violent, but it's not great either.

 

I also had an argument with my father because I asked for an apology. My friends said I should not have done this because at least he was respectful to me. I don't know. I resent him for certain stuff and I don't think I can have contact without at least an apology regarding his role in what happened.

 

 

I am so angry at the tone of my sister's message.

 

How do I deal with their persistent failure to be more decent in their communications?

[Toodaloo]

You do not have to talk to people if you do not want to.

 

I don't talk to my grand parents on my fathers side. I avoid them like the plaugue. I plan to continue to do so. They are not nice people.

 

Simples.

 

You don't have to deal with it unless you feel guilty about it.

[pie2]

If you are interested in building a better future with your family, it seems learning better communication skills would be a good start, not just on your part, but on their part too.

 

So, you can't change them, but you can change yourself. You could begin the trend to a better future by explaining to your sister that you really don't prefer the way she asked you for your number. You might say that you would really like to begin taking steps to a better relationship, and that you're hoping that everyone can learn to communicate in a loving and respectful way. You could ask her what she thinks about that, and if she is willing to talk about her thoughts and/or concerns.

 

Also, prayer is always helpful! May your family be united in peace and love. In Jesus' name.

 

God bless.

[makeithappen]

If you are interested in building a better future with your family, it seems learning better communication skills would be a good start, not just on your part, but on their part too.

 

So, you can't change them, but you can change yourself. You could begin the trend to a better future by explaining to your sister that you really don't prefer the way she asked you for your number. You might say that you would really like to begin taking steps to a better relationship, and that you're hoping that everyone can learn to communicate in a loving and respectful way. You could ask her what she thinks about that, and if she is willing to talk about her thoughts and/or concerns.

 

Also, prayer is always helpful! May your family be united in peace and love. In Jesus' name.

 

God bless.

 

 

I do not want a better relationship with them. I just want them to leave me alone... Please do not use all this religious talk. It's triggering. The suggestion that I should reconcile with my abusive family is very harmful.

[makeithappen]

If you are interested in building a better future with your family, it seems learning better communication skills would be a good start, not just on your part, but on their part too.

 

So, you can't change them, but you can change yourself. You could begin the trend to a better future by explaining to your sister that you really don't prefer the way she asked you for your number. You might say that you would really like to begin taking steps to a better relationship, and that you're hoping that everyone can learn to communicate in a loving and respectful way. You could ask her what she thinks about that, and if she is willing to talk about her thoughts and/or concerns.

 

Also, prayer is always helpful! May your family be united in peace and love. In Jesus' name.

 

God bless.

 

 

I do not want a better relationship with them. I just want them to leave me alone... Please do not use all this religious talk. It's triggering. The suggestion that I should reconcile with my abusive family is very harmful.

[Radu]

Keep your distance, but don't expect an apology from them any time soon, as it will require a # of things :

- your mom to accept that she can be wrong and that you might have a better life than being dressed head to toe in the usual garb

- that your older sister was wrong, that she lied and that the fact that in general ... in a family with many girls, there is loads of drama [yes, your dad should have intervened more].

My great-great grandfather, who had 7 girls and 1 boy once told my grandma [who married his 1 son] that 'women are ******' ... it involved some really nasty stuff done by his oldest daughter who was very sociopathic.

- accepting that the western world is not full of sl*ts

 

I honestly doubt that they will ever give you an apology, at least not a sincere one ... and be very careful because who knows what they will do if backed into a corner.

It might be a good idea to emigrate ...or at least move to another town.

 

Also, your dad is textbook enabler.

Which means that your mom is abusive [psychological] and your oldest sister [which you described in another text] is ... well, above that ... as she doesn't seem to have much empathy for anything.

If anyone is nutso in the family, it's your oldest sister.

Edited August 3, 2015 by Radu

[pie2]

I do not want a better relationship with them. I just want them to leave me alone... The suggestion that I should reconcile with my abusive family is very harmful.

 

Ahh...got it! I was confused, as your question in the OP was:

 

How do I deal with their persistent failure to be more decent in their communications?

 

I was under the impression you wanted communication between each other to improve.

 

If you want them to leave you alone, you should probably communicate that to them (kindly). Alternately, you could ignore them.

 

Please do not use all this religious talk. It's triggering.

 

No problem. However, your reaction to hearing about God is not the typical response. Can you explain why it's triggering? Have you thought about going to counseling for your history of abuse? I only say that because there are many religious and spiritual people in the world. When you ask for advice on a forum, it might come up. It also might come up in your daily life. For your own well-being, you might find a more fulfilling life if you don't have to live in constant fear of hearing about God.

 

Best of luck to you!

[makeithappen]

Ahh...got it! I was confused, as your question in the OP was:

 

 

 

I was under the impression you wanted communication between each other to improve.

 

If you want them to leave you alone, you should probably communicate that to them (kindly). Alternately, you could ignore them.

 

 

 

No problem. However, your reaction to hearing about God is not the typical response. Can you explain why it's triggering? Have you thought about going to counseling for your history of abuse? I only say that because there are many religious and spiritual people in the world. When you ask for advice on a forum, it might come up. It also might come up in your daily life. For your own well-being, you might find a more fulfilling life if you don't have to live in constant fear of hearing about God.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

They used religion in such a hypocritical way. They used it again me to justify their abuse. They portrayed themselves as the most religious and caring people... when our house was full of violence, manipulations, lies, and hypocrisy. They vilified me as a 'bad Muslim' and them as the good ones who were just being abusive for the love of God. Since religion has been so intertwined in my suffering, I came to develop such a complicated relationship with it. Upon leaving home, I took a copy of our Quran, but never touched it. It's been on a shelf since. Even if I know that not all religious people are bad, I cannot get comfortable with very religious ones... They act like God, cause misery and then tell you it's for your own good. No. I still practice but not like before ...

[pie2]

They used religion in such a hypocritical way. They used it again me to justify their abuse. They portrayed themselves as the most religious and caring people... when our house was full of violence, manipulations, lies, and hypocrisy. They vilified me as a 'bad Muslim' and them as the good ones who were just being abusive for the love of God. Since religion has been so intertwined in my suffering, I came to develop such a complicated relationship with it. Upon leaving home, I took a copy of our Quran, but never touched it. It's been on a shelf since. Even if I know that not all religious people are bad, I cannot get comfortable with very religious ones... They act like God, cause misery and then tell you it's for your own good. No. I still practice but not like before ...

 

How sad, OP. Many times people can put on a good front in public, but their family sees another side. A side which, in this case, sounds very destructive.

 

Do you have anyone you can talk to about everything you've gone through?

[makeithappen]

Keep your distance, but don't expect an apology from them any time soon, as it will require a # of things :

- your mom to accept that she can be wrong and that you might have a better life than being dressed head to toe in the usual garb

- that your older sister was wrong, that she lied and that the fact that in general ... in a family with many girls, there is loads of drama [yes, your dad should have intervened more].

My great-great grandfather, who had 7 girls and 1 boy once told my grandma [who married his 1 son] that 'women are ******' ... it involved some really nasty stuff done by his oldest daughter who was very sociopathic.

- accepting that the western world is not full of sl*ts

 

I honestly doubt that they will ever give you an apology, at least not a sincere one ... and be very careful because who knows what they will do if backed into a corner.

It might be a good idea to emigrate ...or at least move to another town.

 

Also, your dad is textbook enabler.

Which means that your mom is abusive [psychological] and your oldest sister [which you described in another text] is ... well, above that ... as she doesn't seem to have much empathy for anything.

If anyone is nutso in the family, it's your oldest sister.

 

I live in Europe so it's not bad...but I hate living so close to them. I hate how my mum keeps using intermediaries to communicate with me. She's been using the people I used to be okayish though they're definitively on her side. My oldest sister is pure evil. She was so violent I learnt to fear her. She would go into a rage... It felt like watching a young child behaving irrationally... she's 30. I think she is the one with the most obvious NPD . She would never apologise. I never once heard her admit to any weakness. I don't know if the narcissism is due to our upbringing. My family abhorred weakness both physical and mental. No apologies, no admittance of vulnerabilities, too much pride ... I think I may have some narcissistic tendencies (my life is just about me and my desires ), but i think some of us got more affected by our environment at home. So yes, my mum, and my siblings were all abusive, though they were not on the same spectrum. My father was the enabler. I resent him so much. He had once told me that if I wanted to have peace at home, I should be on my oldest sisters good side. He said the way to my mum was through her

[makeithappen]

How sad, OP. Many times people can put on a good front in public, but their family sees another side. A side which, in this case, sounds very destructive.

 

Do you have anyone you can talk to about everything you've gone through?

 

Only 1 friend is ok talking about it. The others don't really want to talk . I'm on a waiting list for a therapist .

[Radu]

I live in Europe so it's not bad...but I hate living so close to them. I hate how my mum keeps using intermediaries to communicate with me. She's been using the people I used to be okayish though they're definitively on her side. My oldest sister is pure evil. She was so violent I learnt to fear her. She would go into a rage... It felt like watching a young child behaving irrationally... she's 30. I think she is the one with the most obvious NPD . She would never apologise. I never once heard her admit to any weakness. I don't know if the narcissism is due to our upbringing. My family abhorred weakness both physical and mental. No apologies, no admittance of vulnerabilities, too much pride ... I think I may have some narcissistic tendencies (my life is just about me and my desires ), but i think some of us got more affected by our environment at home. So yes, my mum, and my siblings were all abusive, though they were not on the same spectrum. My father was the enabler. I resent him so much. He had once told me that if I wanted to have peace at home, I should be on my oldest sisters good side. He said the way to my mum was through her

 

Your oldest sister probably is, or very high on the spectrum at least.

 

So from your description, it is a house in which your oldest sister leads, through her mother.

The attitude of no weakness, no acceptance of guilt is probably what increased the probability of your sister ending up like that.

[writergal]

I live in Europe so it's not bad...but I hate living so close to them. I hate how my mum keeps using intermediaries to communicate with me. She's been using the people I used to be okayish though they're definitively on her side. My oldest sister is pure evil. She was so violent I learnt to fear her. She would go into a rage... It felt like watching a young child behaving irrationally... she's 30. I think she is the one with the most obvious NPD . She would never apologise. I never once heard her admit to any weakness. I don't know if the narcissism is due to our upbringing. My family abhorred weakness both physical and mental. No apologies, no admittance of vulnerabilities, too much pride ... I think I may have some narcissistic tendencies (my life is just about me and my desires ), but i think some of us got more affected by our environment at home. So yes, my mum, and my siblings were all abusive, though they were not on the same spectrum. My father was the enabler. I resent him so much. He had once told me that if I wanted to have peace at home, I should be on my oldest sisters good side. He said the way to my mum was through her

 

Sibling estrangement -- family estrangement is necessary to do for some people in your situation. Your family unit sounds volatile and dysfunctional. No wonder you want to distance yourself from those people.

 

Do what is best for your own well-being. If that means estranging yourself from people like your sister and whomever else, then do that and don't feel any guilt about it, especially when there was the abuse that you describe.