Hurt...found bf searching for single, female women on internet site

[innerconflict]

Hi everyone...I am pretty angry and hurt right now. I went on my bf's comp to get a copy of my resume. I logged into an internet site through the history pages (my bf joined too). On one of the pages, I found him searching for females who are single and within his age bracket. I was so shocked when I saw it. He already left for work so I couldn't ask him about it.

 

I have been cheated and played on so many times before him, that any sign of looking elsewhere hurts like no other. I had an ex who would stay up late after I have gone to bed and chat to women online. Plus he would look up women's profiles. When I saw what my bf was looking at this morning, all the remembered feelings have come back.

 

When I am angry, I am pretty emotional, so I don't want to see him for awhile. Before I left our apartment, I left a note on his computer screen with the webpage open. In the note I wrote what I came across, and that there are alot of things that I have accepted in his life (different story there), but this type of BS is unacceptable to me. I also wrote that my ex did the exact same thing and it made me feel like S**T. If he is searching for single females, than he must not be happy with me. I also wrote in the end that this may seem harmless to him, but it says alot to me.

 

Any comments, supportive words would be nice right now. He always says that he is happy and talks about a future together, but when things like this happen, I don't know what to think.

[laRubiaBonita]

well was he just looking? or contacting too?

 

If browsing a dating web-site just to look at people is cheating..... i guess i am guilty.

i do not look everyday, but once in a blue moon i will look just to see who is there. it is fun.

 

not that i would contact or even join a site, but looking is not bad if you are JUST looking.

[HoldOn]

Yeah, it might not be that bad. But I don't know what the other thing was that he did.

 

Once I told my bf that I saw an ad for a republican dating site and I was so curious about who would be on there. I told my bf that I was curious, but it probably wouldn't be right to look at it. He said it wouldnt' be right either. I was kinda hoping he'd say "let's go look, it'll be fun!" But he didn't, so my curiousity can't be satisfied, argh!

 

Anyway, I think that's one of those things where you have to find out where your SO stands or do it right in front of them, so they know it's not a threat.

 

My friend and her fiance look at dating videotapes on their cable service, just so they can laugh at the losers and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

 

Anyway, I think you are right to be suspicious, but try not to jump to conclusions.

[Firesqueak]

When did he place this ad?

 

I bet that on those yahoo personals I have an ad up, and that was well over 2 years ago. So, before you really flip out, just bear those things in mind.

[innerconflict]

Hi everyone. Thanks for replying. It wasn't a personal ad but a personal webpage that is on a friends network. We both have profiles on it. He did a friend search and had single, female, ages 30 to 31, within our area clicked on as criteria. I guess what bothers me the most is that he clicked onto "single". He could have left it blanked.

 

The other things that I have accepted with him is a pill addiction that wasn't revealed to me until 4 months into the relationship (he has since been in recovery), an immature ex (they share a five yr old son), and a huge porn collection (I am not happy with it but I have left it alone). I don't condone any type of drug use/addiction, and I have put up with his exes behaviour because of the great relationship I have with his son.

 

Just looking at the responses, I am probably jumping the gun when he is only searching. I am realizing that due to previous experiences with men, I have a hard time totally trusting my bf. But I rather he know what is unacceptable to me. When I am in a relationship, I don't look at single profiles. Maybe it's just me. All I know is that I am hurt.

[HoldOn]

Well I think you have to watch his reaction. Will he be defensive and mean? Or will he be apologetic and confirm that he was just playing on the internet or looking for an old friend or something. Who knows?

 

Just wait and see and give him a chance.

[trishaj80]

Ignore this spam thread.

[HoldOn]

Originally posted by trishaj80

Ignore this spam thread.

 

Seems a little too detailed to be spam. Plus, she replied back...

[innerconflict]

An update, I received an IM from my boyfriend while I was away from the computer. He wrote out how there is obviously no trust and respect between us. And that he doesn't appreciate me going through his computer. He also wrote that it is obvious that it was more than my resume that I was looking for. He wants to be with me but he can't help the way I feel about trusting another person.

 

I came home to talk it out with him but he isn't here. I am afraid of losing him and see that I do have trust issues. I am shamed for looking at his internet history.

[HoldOn]

Doesn't look good. He is being defensive instead of apologetic, like he should.

[innerconflict]

Well I will just have to wait and see when he comes home. I will talk it out with him.

[tanbark813]

People only get defensive when they have something to be defensive about. And given that he's trying to turn it around on you for lacking trust, my money says your gut instinct is right.

[innerconflict]

Thanks for the replies. I am still waiting for him to get home.

[nugirl]

Try not to look at him as you looked at your ex. They are two different people. I think there is something wrong with that. There are many websites you can go on to find friends, but there are three things wrong with this picture.

 

1)He did the search on a dating website

 

2)He was searching for females

 

3) HE WAS SEARCHING FOR WOMEN IN YOUR AREA. If he just wanted someone to talk to, why the hell does he need to find someone in his area.

 

The whole thing sounds backwards to me, but listen to what he has to say. He may have a good excuse.

[nugirl]

Dont let him flip the script on you and make you feel like the bad guy. It seems like he os trying to get away from what he did and turn it around like you just shouldt have been being nosey. Apologize for going on his computer but dont be so worried about losing him that you let the real topic at hand escape conversation.

[innerconflict]

Thanks for all the replies everyone. He is at home right now and things are a bit tense. But I am going to make sure that we talk about what happened today before we go to bed. Yes, I do feel bad for looking at his computer and I accept the consequences/responsibility. I just want him to be sure that him searching for stuff like that, even if it is just looking, is not acceptable. I do not do it and expect the same from him.

[HoldOn]

tell us what happens... Good luck.

[mental_traveller]

Intuition is normally correct in relationships. Don't fall for his BS excuses - yes, you shouldn't have been snooping, but given that you did, you've found he is looking to cheat on you. Or at least thinking about it, which is the first step to actually doing it. Not a good sign for the health of the relationship. If I were you I'd ditch him and move on.

[innerconflict]

Well we were able to have a good talk and clear the air. We both apologized for our actions. I explained my previous experiences with cheating and how much it hurt me. He explained that he was curious and didn't mean any harm. But now understands and respects my feelings. He explained that in a previous relationship, his ex would constantly question and check on his whereabouts. It made him feel violated and distrusted even though he never strayed. Hence the defensiveness. So overall, it is good that we were able to sit down and talk about the issue. We have a better understanding of each other.

[HoldOn]

Good! I'm sure everything will work out fine, as long as you keep the lines of communication open. He needs to understand how scary it is for you, tell him if he's curious, you guys can look at the ads together for fun. Tell him if he feels the need to hide something from you, he shouldn't be doing it.

[innerconflict]

Thanks HoldOn....that is great advice. Despite the scary experience, I was able to learn more about myself and what I need to heal.

[Nicholas]

Originally posted by tanbark813

People only get defensive when they have something to be defensive about.

This is not always true.

 

Even if I were one-hundred percent innocent, I would question whether I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who looks through my history.

 

There exists a difference between privacy and secrecy.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by Nicholas

There exists a difference between privacy and secrecy.

 

I agree 100% on that point. I'm only speaking from my own experience here, but I've found that people who get the most defensive about their "privacy" really want secrecy because they know they have things to hide.

[HoldOn]

Even if I were one-hundred percent innocent, I would question whether I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who looks through my history.

 

Why? internet history isn't secret or private. it could be stumbled upon easily. If you were living with someone and they were looking for something in their internet history they could easily see something and become curious about why you're on a certain site.

 

to avoid hurt feelings, you just have to TELL the person what you are doing! Like, I thought my bf might think that Loveshack was some dating site or porn site. So... I told him all about it. What do I have to hide? If you're sharing a computer, you can't assume that anything is private on there.

 

If you want privacy, you have to tell your SO or it has to be obviosly private. Like your diary or something.

[Nicholas]

Originally posted by tanbark813

I've found that people who get the most defensive about their "privacy" really want secrecy because they know they have things to hide.

I don't think privacy should be something you ought to defend. I think it should be a basic tenet of a relationship, like trust or honesty or communication or respect or whatever else.

 

I'm in the minority though, it seems. Plenty of people are fine sharing e-mail passwords and conducting amateur investigations.

Originally posted by HoldOn

If you want privacy, you have to tell your SO

Of course. I would make it clear to my girlfriend that I value my privacy. Is that what you meant?