Need advice...

[Tim99GT]

So my ex and i of 2.5-3 years broke up in early May. I'm 30 and she is 26. The reason behind the break up according to her was that she felt neglected and that she had to beg for attention (last 6 months of the relationship), felt dependent on me (she has a daughter and they lived with me for 2 years), and felt that she needed to get out to become happy. She broke up with me btw. The back story to that was that i played too much xbox. At the time i was depressed with some things in my life (not related to her) and it gave me a way to escape reality for a while.

 

Anyways, the breakup was bad. It was abrupt. I never saw it coming and it destroyed me for a good while. I had caught her texting a guy the night before the official breakup, she said it was innocent, I believed her and then later found out that she started seeing him within the week after our break-up and they are currently still seeing each other. Once i found out about them it helped me forget her for a good while. I started no contact and have done exceptionally well up until last night... Before knowing about him and her i was trying to talk her into giving us another shot etc, but she would say the whole "I love you, but im not in love with you", "I don't know if we will ever work out", "who knows what the future holds", etc.

 

On to the advice issue:

So last night there was a shooting at a local theatre where several people were injured and two people were killed. I found out as soon as it happened and instantly text her to make sure her and her daughter were ok and that they weren't at the theatre. Turns out they weren't which i was glad to hear and we began talking. She told me that it was sweet of me to make sure they were ok and yada yada yada. We ended up speaking on the phone for roughly an hr. I asked about her daughter and how she was doing and it eventually led on to a conversation about us. I asked her if she ever thinks about us or me and she said she did. That she thinks about what we had and about what it could have been (Was on the verge of proposing and she knew).

I asked her if she likes this guy and she said yes, that she is still dating him etc. (Ill admit that it was hard to hear and swallow). She said that she never cheated on me while we were together, but that they both knew that they liked each other prior to our breakup and when we split they began seeing each other (Again, within the week or so).

 

So the conversation turns to our dogs. She took one and left me the other. She said that she misses my dog and that if i ever go to the dog park, and if ill be there for a while, to let her know and she will come meet me and bring her dog. I tell her i don't think that that would be a good idea, that I still love her, not in love anymore, but still care deeply about her and her daughter and would want them back after some time spent together. That i didn't know how to win her back anymore. She said she understood and that if it was too soon she understands. But also says that she did invite me to the park. Kind of like "this is your way in to start", but was not said. At least that's what i read out of it.

 

The convo goes back to us. I told her that if i would go to the dog park with her i would more than likely hit on her and try to win her back. She chuckles and i ask her if she would entertain the idea. She hesitated for a while and then said that she initially mentioned the park as a friend type thing, that her initial reason was simply a friend type gesture and for the dogs. I tell her i miss her daughter tremendously and her as well. We talk about how great we were/are together and she cries on the phone for a while. She said that they miss me a lot too etc. We talk for a little while longer and then we hang up with her saying she'd call again soon sometime. I don't think any real progress is made and i was left with a feeling of uncertainty of whether or not she is just being friendly or wants to see what happens.

 

 

With all of that said, what do you think? I know i should walk away and leave her and the situation for what it is. The ONLY thing drawing me back is the fact that i love her and her daughter tremendously. That we were truly happy together (not just saying this) up until i neglected her the last 6 months or so with the depression issues. I had known them for 3 years prior to dating her (We had a very close mutual friend and i never wanted to cross that line with her, esp with her having a daughter etc) and once we started dating everything took off and we fell madly for each other. The entire relationship, up to the last few days, was absolutely amazing. We never really fought or argued and truly enjoyed each other both mentally and physically. I'm now left with this dilemma of either keeping no contact and trying to erase them from my life, or agreeing to go to the dog park (or something similar) to see if it will work out or if i can win her back. I feel that i can and almost know so. If what she says is the truth and that the reason for her leaving was due to me not showing her enough attention, then that has changed in my life. I have pulled out of that depressed mode, started doing more stuff outside and enjoying life more. I had started this right before our breakup (literally days), but she never saw that change in me.

 

Note: Its worth mentioning that after our breakup, we did spend a couple days together that were absolutely amazing. She said she wanted us to work out, that she would do everything possible to fix what needs to be fixed. After those days she ended it again. Last night i asked her about it and what that meant. She said that she was going to give it another shot. That she wanted us to work. Then she thought of her ex's and how she tried the second chance thing before and it never worked out. She said she didn't want to repeat the past and that's why she threw in the towel after those days together. I'm still not really sure what to make out of this...

Edited July 24, 2015 by Tim99GT

[DrReplyInRhymes]

So my ex and i of 2.5-3 years broke up in early May. I'm 30 and she is 26. The reason behind the break up according to her was that she felt neglected and that she had to beg for attention (last 6 months of the relationship), felt dependent on me (she has a daughter and they lived with me for 2 years), and felt that she needed to get out to become happy. She broke up with me btw. The back story to that was that i played too much xbox. At the time i was depressed with some things in my life (not related to her) and it gave me a way to escape reality for a while.

 

Anyways, the breakup was bad. It was abrupt. I never saw it coming and it destroyed me for a good while. I had caught her texting a guy the night before the official breakup, she said it was innocent, I believed her and then later found out that she started seeing him within the week after our break-up and they are currently still seeing each other. Once i found out about them it helped me forget her for a good while. I started no contact and have done exceptionally well up until last night... Before knowing about him and her i was trying to talk her into giving us another shot etc, but she would say the whole "I love you, but im not in love with you", "I don't know if we will ever work out", "who knows what the future holds", etc.

 

On to the advice issue:

So last night there was a shooting at a local theatre where several people were injured and two people were killed. I found out as soon as it happened and instantly text her to make sure her and her daughter were ok and that they weren't at the theatre. Turns out they weren't which i was glad to hear and we began talking. She told me that it was sweet of me to make sure they were ok and yada yada yada. We ended up speaking on the phone for roughly an hr. I asked about her daughter and how she was doing and it eventually led on to a conversation about us. I asked her if she ever thinks about us or me and she said she did. That she thinks about what we had and about what it could have been (Was on the verge of proposing and she knew).

I asked her if she likes this guy and she said yes, that she is still dating him etc. (Ill admit that it was hard to hear and swallow). She said that she never cheated on me while we were together, but that they both knew that they liked each other prior to our breakup and when we split they began seeing each other (Again, within the week or so).

 

So the conversation turns to our dogs. She took one and left me the other. She said that she misses my dog and that if i ever go to the dog park, and if ill be there for a while, to let her know and she will come meet me and bring her dog. I tell her i don't think that that would be a good idea, that I still love her, not in love anymore, but still care deeply about her and her daughter and would want them back after some time spent together. That i didn't know how to win her back anymore. She said she understood and that if it was too soon she understands. But also says that she did invite me to the park. Kind of like "this is your way in to start", but was not said. At least that's what i read out of it.

 

The convo goes back to us. I told her that if i would go to the dog park with her i would more than likely hit on her and try to win her back. She chuckles and i ask her if she would entertain the idea. She hesitated for a while and then said that she initially mentioned the park as a friend type thing, that her initial reason was simply a friend type gesture and for the dogs. I tell her i miss her daughter tremendously and her as well. We talk about how great we were/are together and she cries on the phone for a while. She said that they miss me a lot too etc. We talk for a little while longer and then we hang up with her saying she'd call again soon sometime. I don't think any real progress is made and i was left with a feeling of uncertainty of whether or not she is just being friendly or wants to see what happens.

 

 

With all of that said, what do you think? I know i should walk away and leave her and the situation for what it is. The ONLY thing drawing me back is the fact that i love her and her daughter tremendously. That we were truly happy together (not just saying this) up until i neglected her the last 6 months or so with the depression issues. I had known them for 3 years prior to dating her (We had a very close mutual friend and i never wanted to cross that line with her, esp with her having a daughter etc) and once we started dating everything took off and we fell madly for each other. The entire relationship, up to the last few days, was absolutely amazing. We never really fought or argued and truly enjoyed each other both mentally and physically. I'm now left with this dilemma of either keeping no contact and trying to erase them from my life, or agreeing to go to the dog park (or something similar) to see if it will work out or if i can win her back. I feel that i can and almost know so. If what she says is the truth and that the reason for her leaving was due to me not showing her enough attention, then that has changed in my life. I have pulled out of that depressed mode, started doing more stuff outside and enjoying life more. I had started this right before our breakup (literally days), but she never saw that change in me.

 

Note: Its worth mentioning that after our breakup, we did spend a couple days together that were absolutely amazing. She said she wanted us to work out, that she would do everything possible to fix what needs to be fixed. After those days she ended it again. Last night i asked her about it and what that meant. She said that she was going to give it another shot. That she wanted us to work. Then she thought of her ex's and how she tried the second chance thing before and it never worked out. She said she didn't want to repeat the past and that's why she threw in the towel after those days together. I'm still not really sure what to make out of this...

 

She obviously still has feelings for you, she still entertains the idea of hanging with you,

She converses with you even with a boyfriend she has, I'm willing to bet he doesn't know too,

Quite honestly, I think if you are into her, then simply go after her and quick thinking about it,

Either you'll stop short, she'll stop you short, or you'll get her back with your wit.

 

Just be careful of the guy she's currently with now,

Do this appropriately, not behind someones back, that's foul.

[BlueIris]

Stop that. She is in a relationship now and you are the other man, or trying to be. You’re seeking comfort from her and teasing her with come-ons while admitting you’re not “in love” with her. Go NC and resolve your inner demons.

[Tim99GT]

Stop that. She is in a relationship now and you are the other man, or trying to be. You’re seeking comfort from her and teasing her with come-ons while admitting you’re not “in love” with her. Go NC and resolve your inner demons.

 

Im not sure if when she said "dating him" she meant she was in a relationship him or that they are seeing each other and going on dates. Either way i suppose it is a form of a relationship regardless.

 

And to be clear, I'm not seeking comfort from her. I have been fine on my own since the breakup and haven't spoken to her in over a month. It was definitely good to hear her voice though and i think she felt the same way or so it sounded like it last night.

 

I suppose those are teases to her, but i was simply being honest. I know myself and her well enough to know that if I'm around her i will try. And i did tell her i wasn't in love with her. I don't think i am anymore. I think the time apart and what happened pushed those feelings away for me. I do however think that they are lying just under the surface. As in I don't think it would take much in terms of seeing/spending time with her for those feeling to show themselves again; however, this is what I'm afraid of...

 

As far as fixing inner demons, those have been fixed, at least i believe so. I believe my stint of depression had to do with my job and school and some factors that played off of both. I have since finished school and received the degree i was going after as well as starting a new position within my company. I no longer feel the stress of these things and am no longer depressed i suppose. I feel as though I've been quite happy in life lately and actually look forward to a new beginning.

 

IDK. I guess i should walk away.. Its just hard knowing that that person(s) made you so happy and that you know how happy they were when yall were together. It just seems like a waste and that thats not something that comes around often and is maybe something worth fighting for.

[OldRover]

Stop that. She is in a relationship now and you are the other man, or trying to be. You’re seeking comfort from her and teasing her with come-ons while admitting you’re not “in love” with her. Go NC and resolve your inner demons.

 

 

I'd disagree and go for it. At this point, it's just talk, but could lead to rekindling. It would be up to the girl to tell the BF what the deal is, and would be appropriate if they wanted to rekindle. And, the BF may or may not be a serious relationship... or even if it's a rebound.

 

Often when folks get back together, it can be better than ever.

 

Of course, there's risk... but worth it.

[Tim99GT]

Update:

 

So we didn't hang out at the park because she was feeling bad Tuesday. She told me that she was free Thursday and that she still would love to go. Well today I text her after work saying that I was going to the dog park at 630 if she was still interested (this is at 4pm).

She calls me and says that her daughter has a school thing at 7pm, but that she would bring her dog to the house if I was cool with that. I thought it was a bit odd since we haven't seen each other since the breakup, but I agreed.

 

She came over shortly after we hung up. She came in the house and sat down. We didn't hug or anything because quite frankly I didn't want to make it weird right off the bat. We talked about work and family and then the convo changed to us. I knew it would, it would just be a matter of time. We talked for about an hour and a half total. I told her I still love her dearly even with everything that has happened. That I still wanted her and would work through whatever is needed. She said she loved me as well, but doesn't want to jump ship again. She said something along the lines of "I'm not that girl and I would hate myself for it. I can't just go back and forth and flip flop like this". I asked her if she had feelings for this other guy and she said yes. She said he understands her and they communicate well and that he gives her all the freedom she needs right now. I never bashed him or said anything bad about him, but I did tell her that he's playing it. I've seen this guy and he's nothing special by any means. I feel as if though he's playing the cards he is because he knows that she had and can do better. That may seem biased coming from me, but it's the truth. I asked her if he knew she was her and she said yes, that he didn't mind (again, playing the i don't care card and being the nice guy).

Anyways, after a long discussion I asked her where that left us. She said she wasn't leaving him and that she isnt committing to anyone. She said that she needs to see that she can be independent on her own etc (she's trying to get her own place for her and her daughter and has previously made the comment that she felt dependent on me bc I paid for everything and took care of her and her daughter).

I told her that I don't think I could just be friends. That I want her and that I would always try to seduce her back. She said that she understands.

We talk for a little while longer and then I walk her to her car. She hugs me hard and tight and we hold each other while its drizzling out for about 2 minutes. I tell her in her ear that I'm sorry that I ****ed up by not giving her the attention and effection that she needed when I was going through a rough spot in life. She sniffles and said that she's sorry that she ****ed up too (the guy). We hold each other for a little while longer and then she gets in her car. I walk to the open door and lean in to hug her one last time. In that split second my brain went from play it safe to the hell with this, be ballsy. I did a quick hug and when I backed up and she looked at me I went in and kissed her. She didn't kiss me back however. I kissed her roughly 3 times (small kisses with a pause between the 2nd and 3rd) to try to judge where her feelings were. She never reciprocated, however, never backed off. After the 3rd small kiss I backed up and she just smiled and I laughed. I told her I had too try and she giggled and said I know.

 

 

Fast forward 3 hrs later. Her best friend (who I'm best friends with as well) told me that she called. She tells me that she told her about tonight. (I had already spoken to her and told her what happened earlier). that the ex made a comment that she doesn't want to get back with me until I try and be with someone else. Literally emotionally and sexually. She said she asked my ex if it was a one for one thing. Like Yall are even after he does this thing and she say no. That she wants to know that I'm not just chasing her bc I'm lonely/single etc.

It makes sense I suppose, however, she did make a comment when we were speaking along the lines of "how could you want a girl like me back? I'm seeing another guy and did it right after us. Why would you want me? I wouldn't want myself.. I don't think you can live with the fact that I was with someone else". I do feel as if though this may be some ploy to make the field even so to speak for her. That she doesn't think I can take her back and deal with the fact that she's been with someone else and I haven't. Maybe she's right?

She also told me that she (ex) was going meet the guy tonight at his work for a drink. I guess she told me this so that I wouldn't put much effort into the ex anymore and just do me.

 

Anyways, I had made one last gesture of love prior to hearing all of this and I think it went well. Wether or not it will help is another thing. She just had a small surgery a week ago and is practically broke. Like literally spent all of her money on this (she doesn't have med ins). When we were talking earlier in the day she said when she left my house she was going to go buy some flowers for her daughter for the school event (like a graduation of sorts). I told her to pick up a flower or two for me and I would give her some money. Well when she left I realized I never gave her the money. I text her while she was at the store and told her to just swing by the house and that I would leave some money in the mail box for her (I was going to a friends house). She said not to worry about it that they weren't too expensive. I told her that she needs to come get it that I know she's broke. She laughs and says ok.

With that said, I took a $100 bill and placed it in a folder paper with a note on the inside. I told her to take whatever money is left after the flowers and use it to buy her daughter something for her bday from her. She text me a few hours later and said that she passed by the house.

Her actual text:

"I just passed by your house. Thank you Tim. You didn't have to do that and it was very ****ing sweet of you. I got very choked up and I don't really have the words to thank you. So thank you.

I'm going to get her something really nice."

 

 

 

So, long story short, looks like I'm out a $100 and things aren't any better than they were before. I don't mind the money at all though, so long as it goes to her daughter. I think I'm just going to try to live my life right now and be happy. I'm pretty positive she will continue to see this guy until the end. When that will be is anyone's guess. I do see it ending though and I don't want to be the back up plan/ comforter in the mean time. I'm going to go back to NC and leave it be. I did tell her to text or call me if she decides to try us again so we shall see if that ever comes.

Edited July 31, 2015 by Tim99GT

[OldRover]

You've got some challenges.... I'm sure you're kidding about the $100 <g>.... that's nothing compared to what it might take. I've spend thousands on efforts to get a lady back, only to have failed.

 

And, she will have to make a rather dramatic change to dump her current BF and return to you, however, it's clear that there's some interest.

 

Good luck.

[Tim99GT]

Thank you oldrover.

I definitely have challenges, but frankly I'm going to leave the ball in her court. I made it clear to her that if she wanted to try things again or to hang out to contact me and I'd give it a shot. I feel that there is nothing more to be said after that. If she wants something now or in the future she can be the one to make the first call or text. She knows how I feel and I personally feel as if I need to do me and have fun and live my life while she decides what she wants. There is no point in continuing to text or call her only to be told the same thing for the time being. If that means we never get back together because we die out so be it. I want her back, but I won't put myself through hell waiting for her either.

 

And as far as the $100 comment goes, I merely made that semi jokingly. I have a great job and the money isn't an issue. I do, however, have no desire to throw money at her in hopes that that changes her mind or persuades her one way. Not saying it hasn't worked for anyone in the past. Just that that's not me nor the way I operate. You either want me for me or you don't. The security and money I make is merely a bonus if you're with me.

 

Hopefully she comes around. I really think it would work. I'm just not going to chase it if that makes sense. I guess I'll play it as a wild card and see what happens and let her make the next move.