sunshinegirl Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 I'm feeling like a real twit these days, posting ridiculous things that have no answers or just belie what a whacked emotional state I'm in. But I figure it's better to post here than to reopen contact with my ex....so please be patient with me. My question du jour is: when breakups happen rather mysteriously--when things were going pretty well and then one person wants out and can't explain why other than "changed feelings"... is it ever possible to get a real explanation later on down the road? Does it ever help with closure? Or does it just become a bunch of reasons that you then want to argue with to change their minds? Has anyone ever had a *helpful* closure conversation with someone who dumped them? (and yes, yes, I know that closure has to come from within and that healing can't come from the person that hurt you) Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl My question du jour is: when breakups happen rather mysteriously--when things were going pretty well and then one person wants out and can't explain why other than "changed feelings"... is it ever possible to get a real explanation later on down the road? Does it ever help with closure? Or does it just become a bunch of reasons that you then want to argue with to change their minds? Has anyone ever had a *helpful* closure conversation with someone who dumped them? (and yes, yes, I know that closure has to come from within and that healing can't come from the person that hurt you) I think it depends on YOUR motive for this conversation. do you really just want to talk to or see this person? i mean, he is the one that had the sudden change of heart....you prob. still love him. so will this closure convo. really help you or is it just a "healthy" thing to say, so that you can try to win him back? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita I think it depends on YOUR motive for this conversation. do you really just want to talk to or see this person? i mean, he is the one that had the sudden change of heart....you prob. still love him. so will this closure convo. really help you or is it just a "healthy" thing to say, so that you can try to win him back? I agree... I think there is usually another reason for wanting to know the exact reason, time and date of when the person changed thier mind for whatever reason(s) then the game face is on and you see people trying to argue why the EX is/was all wrong about ending things... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 5, 2005 Author Share Posted May 5, 2005 Great points. I think my underlying motive would be to get him back. Since I wrote that post, I've realized that d*mn it all, I am still holding on to hope. Part of me now wants to write him and just get confirmation that he hasn't had any second thoughts and that he's perfectly content w/ his decision to break up. Then, while I would feel rejected again for a little while, I would finally finally be able to kill my hope and really move on with my life. Is that insane? Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 if he did have second thoughts......... he would find you. let it go, save face. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl Is that insane? It's self destructive... "Don't Speak' by No Doubt... Originally posted by laRubiaBonita if he did have second thoughts......... he would find you. Word Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 5, 2005 Author Share Posted May 5, 2005 How else can I really really kill my hope, then? I know it would probably make me feel like sh*t in the short-term, but it would be like ripping the bandaid off. I would finally be able to slam the door shut. As it is, I am still holding onto the dream that maybe in a few months he WILL come back. And THAT seems self-destructive, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl How else can I really really kill my hope, then? I know it would probably make me feel like sh*t in the short-term, but it would be like ripping the bandaid off. I would finally be able to slam the door shut. As it is, I am still holding onto the dream that maybe in a few months he WILL come back. And THAT seems self-destructive, too. Think of it this way.. Because of the way YOU still feel about him there isn't much you wouldn't be willing to do to get back with him right? YOU would move Heaven and Earth to have another chance because you still Love him and want to be with him... believe me when I say that Guys are no different IF they really Love someone and want to be with them... IF your EX wanted another chance or had a change of heart there is nothing he wouldn't do to let you know... if that isn't a door being closed I don't know what is... I'm sorry.. know it's hard.. but I think it's worse to try to hold on to something thats gone then to let it go... Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl How else can I really really kill my hope, then? I know it would probably make me feel like sh*t in the short-term, but it would be like ripping the bandaid off. I would finally be able to slam the door shut. As it is, I am still holding onto the dream that maybe in a few months he WILL come back. And THAT seems self-destructive, too. how about him NOT calling or seeing you as the ripped band aid? we cannot take away your Dream of getting back with him.....but let it be a secret dream, if it was meant to be you will not need to lift a finger. so in the meantime....while you sit back and wait for him to crawl to you, go out have fun. Most people are most attracted to things that they cannot have. Link to post Share on other sites
blackendangel13 Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 I agree with everyone here. When you still care for someone the process of getting closure is usually motivated by our want to fix whatever the problem was. Not to mention a lot of us can't deal with the fact that feelings do change and rationally think there has to be some other explanation. A lot of times seeking closure will just end in hurt and anger. I tried with my ex. He gave me all these bull**** reasons for wanting out but even to this day he can't be honest that he just didn't care that much at the time. All those reasons made me angrier and more hurt. I was mad that he couldn't be honest with me when he was feeling this way. So my advice is like everyone elses. Stay away. In most cases of "feelings changing" it really doesn't have much to do with you. People fall out of love everyday and yes it sucks, but take this as a good sign to find someone who will love you. Link to post Share on other sites
my_manda Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 I think getting explanations from him will either A. Make you feel worse because he will verbalize your worst fears, or B. Make you think there is a chance when his actions have already told you his intentions. I spent two years with a guy and when we broke up he always said that even though I made assumptions, I did not know what he was thinking. I always felt backed into a corner until one day, he said this again, and I finally said " I don't need an explanation, I don't care what you are thinking, basically, your actions have told me all I ever need to know." Talking does not give the closure, the door shut when he physically left. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 My ex left me mysteriously. I called him houdini! I always wanted an explanation other than 'changed feelings'. I said i wanted closure but really I wanted just another chance to see him, another chance to talk to him and see if maybe he would change his mind, a chance to make him want me again. I wanted to hear the reasons so that I could argue them and change his mind. I tried to convince myself it was for closure but really I was just trying to hold on. Telling myself I couldn't move on until I KNEW for a fact it was really done and that there was no way in hell we could ever get back together. It was hell. But finally I snapped out of it. And I got my closure in an unexpected way. Link to post Share on other sites
Illusion24 Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 My question du jour is: when breakups happen rather mysteriously--when things were going pretty well and then one person wants out and can't explain why other than "changed feelings"... is it ever possible to get a real explanation later on down the road? IMHO...No!! As a matter of fact, when I recently broke up with my ex he searched and asked for a good explanation to have closure and I swear I tried but all I could think of was..."I'm just not in love with you anymore"!! It was nothing he did, he treated fairly good and was a good boyfriend. I notice now as time goes by that I never really gave him a heads up but I do remember giving him some head up about what I like and don't like...How I like to be kissed, the way I put my things in a certain way, and for some reason he never got it... Of course until now...Now he realized he should have looked into my eyes more, he should have kissed me the way I wanted him too and he should have payed more attention to me the I needed it. Till this day he askes me if theirs something else that I want to tell him to give him some type of closure and I say no... We even agreed that I would write him an email giving him my reason once I found them...and to be honest with you, I was never going to write it ....Why? Because I didn't see the point, he would eventually realize me not being in love with him is enough Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 Closure is f***ing painful. Against the advice of everyone here, I emailed my ex last week: "By the way, is there any way you can satisfy my curiosity over what really happened between us? I'm still inclined to think that it was our pace...and our not communicating well about it...that threw things off. Can you set me straight on that? I certainly don't want to repeat mistakes going forward." Three days later, he sent this reply: "Sorry that it has taken a couple of days for me to get back to you. I enjoyed the time we spent together and I enjoy you as a person and loved getting to know your family. But at the end of the day, I felt more strongly about you with regard to friendship than I did with regard to dating. I don't think you did anything wrong and I don't think you have to worry about repeating any mistakes. Best wishes." I feel like complete s*** now. Back to square one. How can he be so clinical about it all? Like spending six months with me was as enjoyable as an excursion to the zoo. As though he DIDN'T pursue me hard, as though he wasn't the one calling me "honey" after two weeks, as though he didn't introduce me to all his friends, take me to weddings, go on several trips with me, meet my family. As though he didn't tell me he thought I was "the s***", and repeatedly tell (and show) me how attracted he was to me? He merely "enjoyed" it? I feel devastated all over again. I hate this man. I hate him for showing up in my life. I hate him for making me believe we had a future together. I hate him for making all my friends jealous because we were so wonderful together and people saw we had something "special". No, wait, it wasn't special. It was merely enjoyable. What kind of rat bastard with no feelings says that? I feel used. I feel like crawling in a corner. I feel like dying. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Sorry... this is why I said let it go... Honestly I know it hurts and it's painful to hear that you didn't mean as much to him as he meant to you... and for real, this kind of thing happens all of the time.. it just sucks more when it's You It's happening to at that moment... Best thing to do now is stop asking yourself why he would've done this, that, the other if he didn't mean it.. and leave things alone... Hang in there Link to post Share on other sites
my_manda Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Let me tell you for the sake of sympathy that my previous post about how contacting him would make you feel worse is from personal experience. I am sorry you are hurting so much. I wanted explanations from someone too......two years of dating, a planned proposal (he had it set-up, etc. and backed out the day of, much to the chagrin of my friends and family involved). I begged and pleaded for answers and finally came to the harsh conclusion that though I felt "owed"......this is one instance were you owe it to yourself to let it be and move on. You cannot take back the past, and you cannot make someone give you an explanation for something that they have no reasoning behind. Let him go, and PROMISE ME...NO MORE CONTACT. Just trust me, I know it is so hard, but your heart deserves to heal. You will continue to feel sh***y if you try again, because you do not want to hear what he is saying you said his answer was clinical. To me, he said it nicely....I feel strongly for you, but that something is just not there (hence the friendship over dating explanation). Don't make him spell out the fact that he does not feel like your'e "the one". Whatever he feels is his right, BUT YOU HAVE RIGHTS TOO! Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Im so sorry but we did tell ya from experience but you dont know until ya do it right??? Im so sorry your hurting. But I mean know you know its over and it ain't gonna happen again. Now I hope you can be strong enough to handle NC with him, start healing, and eventually start moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita if he did have second thoughts......... he would find you. let it go, save face. Exactly. But I hold little hope the ex will come back to me. She'd go to someone else before she'd come back to me. She'd have to have a complete change of heart and that doesn't happen overnight, and mostly, never... Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by Merin Honestly I know it hurts and it's painful to hear that you didn't mean as much to him as he meant to you... and for real, this kind of thing happens all of the time.. it just sucks more when it's You It's happening to at that moment... not to jump to conclussions, but he never said he did not feel as much or less than Sunshine did. focus on his positive points. 1. He knew you 2 were not the perfect match and had balls enough to do something about it. he could have strung you along and dated others on the side. 2. he said "I enjoy you as a person and loved getting to know your family". so you are not some horrid being he could not take, you are a great person that he respects. i know any break up is hard, especially when you are on the losing end, and still in bliss. what helps me, after i get over that anger period, is to see what a good time i did have, the new people i may have met, the new experiences i have tried. And especially what i have taught the other person. I know i am great catch, and a wonderful person, and anyone that has the oppotunity to meet me is and learn about me and what makes me tick. Just being with another person is a great learning experience in itself, as you get to see how another lives, thinks, processes........ it is pretty cool to be a part of and have a hand in bettering yourself and hopefully someone else at the same time. once you get over your anger, i urge you to reevaluate the good of this relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita not to jump to conclussions, but he never said he did not feel as much or less than Sunshine did. focus on his positive points. 1. He knew you 2 were not the perfect match and had balls enough to do something about it. he could have strung you along and dated others on the side. 2. he said "I enjoy you as a person and loved getting to know your family". so you are not some horrid being he could not take, you are a great person that he respects. i know any break up is hard, especially when you are on the losing end, and still in bliss. what helps me, after i get over that anger period, is to see what a good time i did have, the new people i may have met, the new experiences i have tried. And especially what i have taught the other person. I know i am great catch, and a wonderful person, and anyone that has the oppotunity to meet me is and learn about me and what makes me tick. Just being with another person is a great learning experience in itself, as you get to see how another lives, thinks, processes........ it is pretty cool to be a part of and have a hand in bettering yourself and hopefully someone else at the same time. once you get over your anger, i urge you to reevaluate the good of this relationship I wasn't saying he didn't care about her or that he didn't think she is a great person.. My only point was/is he doesn't want a relationship romantically speaking any longer so yeah I would still say he wasn't as into the relationship as she was.. she still wanted to stay together and he didn't.. has nothing to do with her not being an amazing person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 "He knew you 2 were not the perfect match and had balls enough to do something about it. he could have strung you along and dated others on the side." Well, just so you know, the only reason this all unfolded is that I finally called him on his crappy behavior. After 3 weeks of his withdrawing and being passive aggressive with me, I asked him to tell me what was going on. He swore his feelings hadn't changed, then 3 weeks later, after a 2-week break that I suggested so he could sort himself out, he dropped the bomb of his feelings having changed and then said they had started changing 2 months before. He said he would never have suggested a break...that he would have continued to see me had I not forced the conversation. I don't call this him "having balls." Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 well....i was just trying to be nicer on this post. Normally i woulda just said F- him, he does not know a good thing, cause if he did, welll we would not need to post about him! what ever the reasons....... it is done and in the past. Look at it this way...You are one guy closer than you wer to finding Mr. Right. Link to post Share on other sites
my_manda Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 If you feel he mistreated you in the end, then focus on finding someone who is big enough to begin and end a relationship appropriately. If he told you his feelings changed, then there is no need for contact, he gave you an explanation. I think it is BS that he waited that long, but at least now you can find a real man......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 Thank you, my_manda. I guess I need to focus on the fact that my ex did everything he possibly could to avoid talking about 'us' and his feelings. When I expressed some concern and anxiety about how he was treating me during those last few weeks, he made jokes. I said at one point "the way you are treating me makes me feel like a shoe is about to drop." His response? "Don't worry, the 'I am gay' shoe won't drop." [background: I had an old ex who came out of the closet 6 mos after we broke up] A few days earlier, I had said that it was hard for me when he didn't talk to me about what was going on with him...and that he could never make a mistake by talking too much to me. The next day, he looked at me and said "is this talking too much? is this talking too much? is this talking too much? is this talking too much?" This from a 34-year old attorney that *everybody* loves. Life of the party type, sharp wit, seemingly caring, sincere, and honest. I don't understand why he couldn't engage me honestly on any of these conversations. Link to post Share on other sites
Lakespookie Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 lol someone just like me wow the more i read this the more i think me and my trauma to this day its been alomst 1 1/2 yrs i still have no closure and im still attached not that i dont go out or anything its just i cant stop felling i will agree that if the reason you want closure is to get back with them then thats probably not gonna work the ball is already in his court however for me the fact that i dont know what happend makes it harder for me to let go i dont know why but not knowing gives me hope its so much easier when the signs are there but when everything is going great then poof it all changes with no reason what do you have that you can use to move on nothing sorry rambling again but yeah try not to turn into me if the ball is in his court just let it happen even if it dosent feel right atleast go thru the motions one day someone might suprise you hope this helps lakespookie form miami FL Link to post Share on other sites
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