laRubiaBonita Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl This from a 34-year old attorney that *everybody* loves. Life of the party type, sharp wit, seemingly caring, sincere, and honest. I don't understand why he couldn't engage me honestly on any of these conversations. OMG~ he is 34! this is even worse! i could see it more from a younger guy, who seemingly might be flakey anyways.......... But this guy is a total loser! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 10, 2005 Author Share Posted May 10, 2005 Like ConfusedinOC, I am now dealing with the aftermath of breaking NC to get my "closure". It really, really hurts. I can see how some might view my ex's words as polite or even nice, especially in light of things that other exes have said to LSers. But for my ex, those are the most formal, stiff, distant words I've ever heard him utter. That's simply not his writing style and a mere week before he had written me a warm and friendly message updating me on his life and asking what was new in mine. The fact that he describes our six months together as merely "enjoyable" is like twisting the knife. It's like a complete denial or refutation of what we had together...as though it were nothing more significant than a jaunt to the local zoo. We were long distance for 5 months and spent hundreds of dollars visiting each other. He took me to out of state weddings; introduced me to his lifelong friends; met my family; told me he would consider moving to my city; called us a "team"; said he was "in it to win it"; and more. My instincts are pretty good, and I vetted him with a lot of friends. All signs seemed good and I knew--I really knew--he was "into me". That all changed when I moved to his city--my gut picked up on the change, and 6 weeks later it was over--but now to hear him so coldly describe our time together is almost more hurtful than the knowledge that we'll never have a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
moon Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 I think with age you realize that the reasons for break ups usually comes with time and it might not even be from the person you were dating. I think it takes a while for you to really understand what was wrong with the relationship. One break up I had I can now totally attribute to timing. I won't get into it, but I totally can. To that same break up I can attribute it to different life goals. I know what he's doing now and there is no way I would have ever been happy with that life. I think you can also think back on the relationship and the person you were dating and you can probably find a lot of answers if you just allow yourself to validate the problems yourself. You don't need the other person to confirm them. Many times the other person bitches about some aspect of your personality and you realize they were the opposite of that and things would have never of changed because you were so different. I think it's important to realize that no two people are exactly alike. It's hard to mesh completely with another person. There are soooo many more valid reasons than not as to why any relationship would end. Therefore I don't even ask if I am the one getting broken up with. I don't ask because in time the answers come to me. Besides I think if you ask you might hear more than you want to hear. You are going to hear their side of the story. Now this might be what you want, but think about it. Okay....let's say you always got mad at your boyfriend for going out partying instead of wanting to spend time with you. Let's say they relate this story to you and tell you what a controlling person you were during the relationship. Now most people would agree they wouldn't want their significant other going out on the town every night. But at the end of this explanation all you are going to hear from what your ex is telling you is that you are controlling. And you're going to feel bad for nothing. I think in the long run you should use your best judgement as to why a relationship ended. That's just my opinion. Otherwise you might get an earful of ridiculousness and more arguments. Besides hearing at the end that you were too controlling in the relationship isn't important. Think back to ALL those times they told you that you were and there you go. So I don't think you really need a lot of explantions to fill in the gaps. If you really think about it you can answer your own questions. That's just my opinion. Think back on your relationship and think about what the conflicts and problems were and what they said during the relationship and there you go.......that's why they broke up with you. Hearing all this after the fact is only going to make you feel worse. Learn from what happened during the relationship, afterwards they are somebody else's problem. I mean if they volunteer to give you some constructive criticism, that's one thing, but begging to know why they dumped you isn't probably going to make you feel any better about yourself. It might just give them an opportunity to berate you again. Who needs it. Just let em go on their way and remind them not to let the door hit them on the way out. Life goes on. Use the time after the break up to think about what YOU really want and don't want in your next relationship. That's what you need to do. Link to post Share on other sites
moon Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Wait, come to think about. My last ex was kind of a loser, so that might also be why I never asked for an explanation. I did want an apology, but an explanation....I mean come on. He wasn't going anywhere. But yeah, I don't think explanations help much. Link to post Share on other sites
YouGotServed Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by moon I think with age you realize that the reasons for break ups usually comes with time and it might not even be from the person you were dating. I think it takes a while for you to really understand what was wrong with the relationship. One break up I had I can now totally attribute to timing. I won't get into it, but I totally can. To that same break up I can attribute it to different life goals. I know what he's doing now and there is no way I would have ever been happy with that life. [/Quote] I have to agree with you Moon. My ex never gave me real answers except that her feelings were different. She felt that I had too much commitment and she was not on the same page as me. But, I never realized the person who I was until I took a step back and realized what she had said in the relationship, what I was doing in the relationship and the way I acted. What you said is absolutely correct about a person. Timing is one thing, but at the same time, it takes a true person to understand his/her own mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 I woke up at 4:30 this morning thinking about responding to my ex. Don't worry, after following ConfusedinOC's thread, I'm not going to do it, but I'm going to post what I WANT to say to him here to get it out of my system. [color=blue]So X, I assume that by "I enjoyed our time together and enjoy you as a person" you meant "I fell hard and fast for you and really thought we had a future together...otherwise, why would I have introduced you to my best friends, taken you to weddings, assured you we were a "team", contemplated moving to your city, or met your family?" And I assume by "I felt more strongly toward you with regard to friendship than with regard to dating" you meant "I got freaked out when you moved to town, and I didn't know how to process those feelings so I assumed it meant I had lost interest instead of the possibility that I felt anxious about losing autonomy or even that I was afraid of intimacy. But in any case, I felt enough for you that I didn't want to break things off and it is only because you pressed the issue that I did." I understand the need for brevity too. Good luck and best wishes in life.[/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 Ack! Oh no! I'm letting myself contemplate actually sending the message above. Please talk me out of this, folks. I have a bad way of, in a moment of weakness, thinking "oh f*** it", and hitting "send". I want to preserve my dignity. Most friends have said I've been the bigger person in this. Sending this message would mean I'm no longer the bigger person...right? (like ConfusedinOC, I feel like I'm great at giving other people advice and seeing their situation clearly...but not my own) Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Good Lord, don't send it Girl! LOL For real don't.. you'll kick yourself if you hit that send button. He's already given you 411 you didn't want or need to hear... let this go Honey. Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Don't send it. Unless you have to. I sent final messages and some that helped me move on- and this was just this morning! I am the type of person that needs to get things off my chest or it sits there and festers and keeps me from getting on with my life. I am not one to regret things that I say, because I try to speak from my heart. And like the responses I got from my earlier post, they are harsh, but true, and I believe knowing the truth earlier on allows you to accept it more readily. I would only send it if you're prepared for the cold reality of the situation. I wasn't this morning, but am already feeling better knowing all hope is lost with her. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Dont send it. Reread CIOC's thread! Over and over and over again Read my post on keeping dignity and letting them feel guilt. I had a little victory today and wouldnt trade it for anything Keep your dignity! An email like that only reemphasis the reasons why they left you, and they wont learn anything from it. And if they do, then they wont use it on you, but for their next relationship. If you really want to send it, atleast dont do it when your emotions are a wreck. Wait a few days and think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Please don't send this post, Sunshine. Sometimes people just can't articulate why they do or don't feel affection. I'm also developing a theory about people who are way enthusiastic about you, then turn round and rationalise it away Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo I'm also developing a theory about people who are way enthusiastic about you, then turn round and rationalise it away They're crazy? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Don't send it, trust me. I do tend to write emails and then just save the draft. After a few days, or weeks or months, I'll go back and read them and say to myself "Man, you are just pathetic. No wonder she thinks you're insecure and clingy!" I'm learning from others here to teach myself to stop being so pathetic. If I stick to my guns, stop writing her, at least I will have my dignity and self respect back and I can be happy with who I am again. She doesn't give a darn about me right now. She's got a new guy and she's frolocking in her new relationship. She's happy because there's no pressure on her now. And that's what she was feeling with me, pressured. So if I write her any negative emails or if we talk sometime in the future and I talk negatively or act bitter, it will only remind her how I pressured her. I just have to let it go and so do you. Don't reinforce their decision by letting your emotions take over. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl They're crazy? You've been spying on my notes again, dgiirl Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl Dont send it. Reread CIOC's thread! Over and over and over again Read my post on keeping dignity and letting them feel guilt. I had a little victory today and wouldnt trade it for anything Keep your dignity! An email like that only reemphasis the reasons why they left you, and they wont learn anything from it. And if they do, then they wont use it on you, but for their next relationship. If you really want to send it, atleast dont do it when your emotions are a wreck. Wait a few days and think about it. Heh. I am fast becoming the "poster child" for why NO CONTACT is essential. Well, if people learn from my example then maybe, just maybe, I am doing some good for others after all???? Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 You definitely gave me some inspiration a few weeks ago. I was so happy for you, and was looking forward to my days of NC with my exh. I think we're all learning from each other. It's easy to give advice but really hard to apply it to yourself. We'll get through it Logically, we know we'll be fine. It's just when the emotions hit that everything goes chaotic. Just dont do anything during those emotional times Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 Romeo--do tell what your theory is. Most people say my ex either has commitment anxieties or is emotionally distant/unavailable. He ran when things were just getting good... And I know how COC feels now....because it burns me up that he's walking around just thinking "oh well, feelings changed, whatever" and practically denying what we had to begin with. I want to slap him upside the head! Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 I guess it doesn't matter why they ran in the end. They did, and there's nothing to do about it. Take it from me- overanalyzing this will KILL you and your soul. I called my buddy to give him the news about my ex shacking up so quickly with someone else, and he came back with this: My dad just had a heart attack and is going to have quadruple bypass surgery on Saturday. That brought me back from the pity party. My heart was ripped out, but at least it still works right. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Well, having the revelation that the pressure I was putting on the relationship eventually caused it's demise actually makes me feel a lot better. She's happy because she is not being pressured. I am starting to smile again because I realize that I wasn't really happy either. It's amazing what a good nights sleep can do you for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 My God, CIOC, how is it that you're bouncing back so spectacularly? That's great. I just don't quite know how to get out of the obsessive cycle of trying to sort it all out. It's like I have this idea that r'ships that are going as well as ours was--we were the annoying people that friends looked at and said, 'wow, I hope I have that someday'...not because we were all lovey-dovey but because we were so comfortable with each other and enjoyed each other so much--just shouldn't combust like that. We didn't have incompatibilities, or unresolveable fights. We had mad chemistry. I didn't pressure him. We had fun together. We had similar values, priorities, goals, life experiences. And then it all just disappeared into the ether... Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl My God, CIOC, how is it that you're bouncing back so spectacularly? That's great. Prayer and faith that God has a lesson to teach us all and if we listen, He will reveal his will. I prayed so hard since Sunday night. Very hard for God to finally reveal what it was he wanted me to learn from this. And you know, HE DID!!! Understanding what happened and why he allowed things to happen that way just took a load off my shoulders. I mean literally I am SMILING and LAUGHING again! I just don't quite know how to get out of the obsessive cycle of trying to sort it all out. It's like I have this idea that r'ships that are going as well as ours was--we were the annoying people that friends looked at and said, 'wow, I hope I have that someday'...not because we were all lovey-dovey but because we were so comfortable with each other and enjoyed each other so much--just shouldn't combust like that. I don't have an answer for you. You just have to stop analyzing it and realize that things happen for a reason. It could have simply been just the wrong time. We didn't have incompatibilities, or unresolveable fights. We had mad chemistry. I didn't pressure him. We had fun together. We had similar values, priorities, goals, life experiences. And then it all just disappeared into the ether... Like I said, it could have come down to just the wrong time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 Okay, not to turn this into a religious discussion, but I'm a Christian too and I can't tell you how many hours I've spent in prayer over this. First, of course, I prayed for reconciliation...got my answer on that from his last message. Not gonna happen. But I've also been praying hard to understand why...to understand what I'm supposed to learn...how I'm supposed to grow...etc. Still nothing...no real insights. Still feel like I'm carrying around that heavy load on my shoulders. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl Okay, not to turn this into a religious discussion, but I'm a Christian too and I can't tell you how many hours I've spent in prayer over this. First, of course, I prayed for reconciliation...got my answer on that from his last message. Not gonna happen. God reveals His will to us when we're most ready to be objective and listen. If you're upset, angry or frustrated, God knows you will not open your mind and be ready to accept the lesson. After praying so hard and putting my burdens at the feet of God, He lifted me up and revealed his lesson to me. But I've also been praying hard to understand why...to understand what I'm supposed to learn...how I'm supposed to grow...etc. Still nothing...no real insights. Still feel like I'm carrying around that heavy load on my shoulders. Ah, I know exactly how you feel. I felt like that yesterday! But once I gave myself up to God and said "Here, take it all. I give up all my burdens to you!" he decided that I had finally opened my mind enough where I would listen to him. Sounds far fetched to some, I know, but this is honestly what happened this morning. I mean, he literally talked to me as soon as I woke up. Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 I guess, COC, my question is, are those of us that aren't as God-fearing, are we all screwed in the end? Thinking about changing my ways... Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by outdated I guess, COC, my question is, are those of us that aren't as God-fearing, are we all screwed in the end? Thinking about changing my ways... I don't know! Only you can answer that question! Link to post Share on other sites
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