outdated Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 i guess that's true.... Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by outdated i guess that's true.... Some suggested reading if you are interested: The Case For Christ: Lee Strobel The Purpose Driven Life: Rick Warren The Holy Bible Link to post Share on other sites
whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by outdated Don't send it. Unless you have to. I sent final messages and some that helped me move on- and this was just this morning! I am the type of person that needs to get things off my chest or it sits there and festers and keeps me from getting on with my life. I am not one to regret things that I say, because I try to speak from my heart. And like the responses I got from my earlier post, they are harsh, but true, and I believe knowing the truth earlier on allows you to accept it more readily. I would only send it if you're prepared for the cold reality of the situation. I wasn't this morning, but am already feeling better knowing all hope is lost with her. Oh! My spirit. That's what I did today. I have it off my chest, all hope lost, and finally prepared to move on. I'm glad not to be the only one here with that kind of manner of ending things. Just waiting for it to go away was to exhausting for me... Link to post Share on other sites
whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Please don't send this post, Sunshine. Sometimes people just can't articulate why they do or don't feel affection. I'm also developing a theory about people who are way enthusiastic about you, then turn round and rationalise it away I will definitely want to hear that theory. Because that's what happend to my ex. First almost too much in love, then suddenly out of it. Can you somehow notify me when you post it? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale I will definitely want to hear that theory. Because that's what happend to my ex. First almost too much in love, then suddenly out of it. Can you somehow notify me when you post it? I bet it has something to do with insecurities.... Link to post Share on other sites
whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl Okay, not to turn this into a religious discussion, but I'm a Christian too and I can't tell you how many hours I've spent in prayer over this. First, of course, I prayed for reconciliation...got my answer on that from his last message. Not gonna happen. But I've also been praying hard to understand why...to understand what I'm supposed to learn...how I'm supposed to grow...etc. Still nothing...no real insights. Still feel like I'm carrying around that heavy load on my shoulders. Me and my ex seemed to the outside world just as perfectly matched as you did, at least so I get from you message when I compare yr situation to mine. I didn't get any reasonable explanation apart from: me not being the one, me being more in love etc. And how's that supposed to help? But that was on the breaking-up day, 9 days ago. I didn't and wouldn't ask again. I did tell him what I think of him, but mainly to stop HIM contacting ME. Because it was painful to have him do that. I don't think you have that kind of problem, right? He's totally gone? Then NC really seems the best answer here... As for a purpose - I've been able to see many adavantages of the break-up. With God's help too, I suppose, because, even though I'm not a very religious person, meaning church going, I like talking to him, it's comforting. And I know that it was a good thing to have happened after all. For one thing - it makes me finally move out from the city I've actually hated for 2 years! I've learned things too. Look at it that way, maybe? Lessons? Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 it's craziness... he said it was already in the notes. Link to post Share on other sites
whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I bet it has something to do with insecurities.... Yeah.. You know I actually have my own theory too.. I think that insecurity plays a part in it - he wanted someone more independent, older, maturer etc. But eventually he can't handle it. Subconsciously he may feel worse. I mean, I lived on my own, he, with controlling parents, I earned money, he studied and borrowed from me to buy cigaretts... Examples going on. I didn't care. I hoped - he'd eventually move out, right? He loves me, right? Etc. But that's not what happens. And yet, I don't think that theory is good for all cases. Maybe just for some. In this case he was younger. And I know from others that he likes older women (I'm 28, so that doesn't sound like I'm oooold ) Link to post Share on other sites
whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl it's craziness... he said it was already in the notes. Yesss, I like that part. I just hope he'll develop it. I like complex theories Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 My ex is 34 and uber-independent. But hadn't had a girlfriend in about 5 yrs, has a history of always being the breaker-upper, describes fmr girlfriends as "great women that I really cared about" (never used the word "love"), and told me once that "for better or worse, I like who I am and don't feel the need to compromise" when it comes to relationships (whoops! should those have been flags?). In his case...I think he pushes away intimacy so when it looked like we were going forward and getting closer, and he couldn't find any 'compatibility' reason to dump me (he had reasons for dumping fmr girlfriends), he suddenly discovered that his feelings had changed. And he has now dumped me happily into the dreaded friends box, never to escape it. Yes, I'm still analyzing. Probably will continue to analyze until I settle on a story about what happened that I can live with. And in a year, I hopefully won't care what the story is anymore because I'll be over him. But damn him! We were good for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl My ex is 34 and uber-independent. But hadn't had a girlfriend in about 5 yrs, has a history of always being the breaker-upper, describes fmr girlfriends as "great women that I really cared about" (never used the word "love"), and told me once that "for better or worse, I like who I am and don't feel the need to compromise" when it comes to relationships (whoops! should those have been flags?). In his case...I think he pushes away intimacy so when it looked like we were going forward and getting closer, and he couldn't find any 'compatibility' reason to dump me (he had reasons for dumping fmr girlfriends), he suddenly discovered that his feelings had changed. And he has now dumped me happily into the dreaded friends box, never to escape it. Yes, I'm still analyzing. Probably will continue to analyze until I settle on a story about what happened that I can live with. And in a year, I hopefully won't care what the story is anymore because I'll be over him. But damn him! We were good for each other. The recurring theme I seem to find with MEN and sudden break ups can usually be explained by them being commitment phobic..... Link to post Share on other sites
whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl Yes, I'm still analyzing. Probably will continue to analyze until I settle on a story about what happened that I can live with. And in a year, I hopefully won't care what the story is anymore because I'll be over him. But damn him! We were good for each other. I know the part about analyzing. Various ppl always tell me I think too much. I can't even understand them. How can I think too much?? But what they mean is dissecting everything. Analyzing. Observing. Scrutinizing. You name it. Seems awul, though it's extremely useful in my profession... I can't ger rid of the habit. So... I try to turn it advantage. IM, if you can't stop analyzing, try to, hard as it seems, analyze things robotically, without emotions. You'll trick the brain they're not there for a while. Then for a longer while. And then, sooner or later you might end up with the raional explanation you seek. But I'm not saying the RIGHT. or CORRECT answer. I agree with others here. Emotions just die down, and it sucks. I know what I'm saying, cause I was dumped by someone who seemed to be so much in love it might have been embarassing in public. I just was in love, so I took it in good faith. I think those too in love ppl may actually be in love with love. When the first rush of hormones dies down, they consider themselves out of love. I think they might not have developed their idea of what love is in our way yet. I have too many theories... Means I don't really have any...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 In response to CIOC: That's what most people say about my ex when they hear the story (commitment phobia). He, of course, disagrees. (The mutual friend who set us up was totally pissed when he broke it off and later told him it looked like he had commitment issues. Ex didn't think so.) I've read Men Who Can't Love, He's Scared, She's Scared, and Make Up Don't Break Up...they all do seem to confirm this hypothesis. Still, I go in circles sometimes because he denies it so thoroughly and our demise occurred around the time the honeymoon glow wears off. Link to post Share on other sites
whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl In response to CIOC: Still, I go in circles sometimes because he denies it so thoroughly and our demise occurred around the time the honeymoon glow wears off. "Methinks the lady doth protest too much" Shakespeare. So I recollect. If he denies is so strongly it makes it even surer for me. When you don't want to admit something you deny it. The more you deny in terms of intensity the more suspicious it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 True. I guess I'm overstating his denial...he disagreed with the mutual friend a couple of times but didn't get into a big argument. Just said "well, I don't agree with that." Next topic. And then in my infamously painful closure letter that started this thread, I practically gave him the opportunity to talk about our pace, our communication, etc (ie how it might have scared him!) and he came back with "at the end of the day I just wanted to have you as a friend." So those are the only things I'm referring to when I say he denied it so thoroughly. Still, your point is taken. Link to post Share on other sites
whitewhale Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl True. I guess I'm overstating his denial...he disagreed with the mutual friend a couple of times but didn't get into a big argument. Just said "well, I don't agree with that." Next topic. And then in my infamously painful closure letter that started this thread, I practically gave him the opportunity to talk about our pace, our communication, etc (ie how it might have scared him!) and he came back with "at the end of the day I just wanted to have you as a friend." So those are the only things I'm referring to when I say he denied it so thoroughly. Still, your point is taken. oh. well. It comes down always to what YOU'll choose to believe in . I wish you all the best, and believe in something that's best for you too. It's HIS loss. Though it may not look it so now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 ooh, wait, except I actually sent him a copy of He's Scared, She's Scared. Mentioned it to the mutual friend: ex: I guess she thinks I have commitment issues. Friend: well, that sounds about right, doesn't it? ex: how does she know? Friend: she probably knows you pretty well by now, doesn't she? ex: did she send it to be mean? because I could send her some books to be mean. Friend: I think she was confused and looking for an explanation for what happened... ex: well I don't agree. ANYWAY.....at the end of the day I can thank all of you Loveshackers because I did NOT send that email to my ex like I was tempted to this morning! Hooray for you all! Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl My question du jour is: when breakups happen rather mysteriously--when things were going pretty well and then one person wants out and can't explain why other than "changed feelings"... is it ever possible to get a real explanation later on down the road? Does it ever help with closure? Or does it just become a bunch of reasons that you then want to argue with to change their minds? Has anyone ever had a *helpful* closure conversation with someone who dumped them? Personally I think truthful explanations are helpful. I can't speak for you or anyone else, but I find it much better than someone suddenly disappearing, just fading away, or giving a clearly lame excuse/lie and leaving you wondering what you did wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl The fact that he describes our six months together as merely "enjoyable" is like twisting the knife. It's like a complete denial or refutation of what we had together...as though it were nothing more significant than a jaunt to the local zoo. We were long distance for 5 months and spent hundreds of dollars visiting each other. He took me to out of state weddings; introduced me to his lifelong friends; met my family; told me he would consider moving to my city; called us a "team"; said he was "in it to win it"; and more. My instincts are pretty good, and I vetted him with a lot of friends. All signs seemed good and I knew--I really knew--he was "into me". That all changed when I moved to his city--my gut picked up on the change, and 6 weeks later it was over--but now to hear him so coldly describe our time together is almost more hurtful than the knowledge that we'll never have a second chance. Have you ever considered that he might be downplaying things because he doesn't want to lead you on? If he had raved about how good things were, he would worry that this would be raising false hopes in you, and could be construed as wanting to get back together. He didn't want to raise false hopes, and so he downplayed his feelings. Maybe he was formal but polite not because he didn't have a great time with you, but because he wants to help you get over the relationship and move on. In that case, his reply makes perfect sense and is actually quite considerate. Also, remember that a lot of people don't want to dwell on past breakups. He may simply not want to go back over what went wrong, and might just want to get on with his life. You aren't together anymore, and it's not like you were married for decades, so he doesn't really owe you anything more than a quick polite reply. IMO you are being way too judgemental about this guy, you are overreacting and making assumptions that could be totally off the mark. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by mental_traveller Personally I think truthful explanations are helpful. I can't speak for you or anyone else, but I find it much better than someone suddenly disappearing, just fading away, or giving a clearly lame excuse/lie and leaving you wondering what you did wrong. The latter is exactly how the ex handles relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl My ex is 34 and uber-independent. There's your answer then - you wanted a closer relationship than him, and once he sensed this, he realised you weren't compatible. So he ended things. No big mystery really, you just ended up with someone who didn't want much in the way of commitment. As for his denials - actions speak louder than words. Link to post Share on other sites
No Foolin Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 Do you really want an explanation? I think not. Whats the point? You can't clean up the damage done in a relationship (for the other person). This isn't cleaning up your house, everything doesn't have a place to be neatly put away. I have found that all you are going to get is a bunch of sh*t that has nothing to do with ourselves (ya know childhood stuff "daddy didn't get me a pony for my birthday so I hate you") know what I'm saying? If a tornado puts the boots to your house, you're not going to ask the sky for an explanation. It just happens; people do some really f*uked up stuff in relationships. Trying to make sense out of something that much of the time doesn't make any sense, gets you away from the truth. The truth is this: all you really can depend on is the love you can foster for yourself. Until death this is a constant you can depend on, balls to bone. We hurt because we want to make sense out of the chaos of another's mind. We don't want to be painted black, but kids it happens. Three constants: Death/taxes/all relationships end. No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl Romeo--do tell what your theory is. Sorry to tantalise you, guys. Curiosity has made me read up on this... with a little help from some psychotherapist relatives I'll get back to you when I can put it succinctly I hope you're not gonna be too disappointed after all this build-up. Link to post Share on other sites
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