Struggling...

[Bluebell26]

I posted back in May, trying to distance myself from MM. I managed 4 weeks with limited (work-related conversations only) to NC. I was doing so well and then I got reeled back in. He keeps saying he will leave, but never does anything. Excuses. I need to let go. Today is my lowest day yet. I upset him yesterday, saying truths he didn't want to hear. Today he avoids me. And I feel guilty........ I need to go NC and I need to stop making excuses for him. I deserve so much more than this. Strong, honest opinions would be appreciated.

[Artie Lang]

this is exactly why it's recommended that one should change working environments when coming out of a workplace affair. most of these situations aren't sustainable in the long run.

 

have you ever though about looking for another job?

[Bluebell26]

this is exactly why it's recommended that one should change working environments when coming out of a workplace affair. most of these situations aren't sustainable in the long run.

 

have you ever though about looking for another job?

I have been there over 20 years... Wouldn't make sense financially. Mentally maybe!

[RightThere]

I have been there over 20 years... Wouldn't make sense financially. Mentally maybe!

 

That is what you need to decide on what is more valuable to you.

 

The financial stability or the mental stability. I hope it's obvious you can't have both here.

[Artie Lang]

^^^exactly this.

 

i realize the time you put into your position, but are you sure it's not because you're holding on to hope that this guy might leave, as he's telling you? also, by you moving on, you're dreading the finality of the "relationship" if you were to find a position elsewhere. right now, you're repeating a toxic cycle for the foreseeable future. it's up to you, really, to make things happen in your life. don't leave it up to others, especially OM, to dictate life altering choices.

 

your move, sister.

[Bluebell26]

^^^exactly this.

 

i realize the time you put into your position, but are you sure it's not because you're holding on to hope that this guy might leave, as he's telling you? also, by you moving on, you're dreading the finality of the "relationship" if you were to find a position elsewhere. right now, you're repeating a toxic cycle for the foreseeable future. it's up to you, really, to make things happen in your life. don't leave it up to others, especially OM, to dictate life altering choices.

 

your move, sister.

 

You're right... There are other factors which make me reluctant to move at this point in my career. But yes, I am still clinging to hope. I was able to avoid and ignore him for four weeks... My downfall came when I asked how he was doing. Big mistake.... Sad, reflective day today.... I know I need to make changes, starting now.

[Friskyone4u]

You know what you want , and if you are telling the truth you want out of a toxic relationship.

 

The problem is you are looking for a way out that will not involve resolve and pain. Quitting the job of 20 years is not the answer . Hurting yourself financially is not the answer .

 

The answer is for YOU to act like an intelligent adult that you are and sto banging a married man for your own ego nibbles. He is not leaving his wife !

Most don't .

 

You have been telling boyfriends and single men you went to school with and worked with before that you are not having sex with them. You are going to have to do it again .

 

You may not like this but I also have another suggestion . Looking for understanding and being told how HARD it is to stop can sometimes reinforce that it's OK if you break NC because everyone understands. If your boss told you that if you did a behavior again you would be fired on the spot you probably would stop the behavior . If you don't act like that is what will happen you will not stop. And stop asking hi how he feels

[Bluebell26]

You know what you want , and if you are telling the truth you want out of a toxic relationship.

 

The problem is you are looking for a way out that will not involve resolve and pain. Quitting the job of 20 years is not the answer . Hurting yourself financially is not the answer .

 

The answer is for YOU to act like an intelligent adult that you are and sto banging a married man for your own ego nibbles. He is not leaving his wife !

Most don't .

 

You have been telling boyfriends and single men you went to school with and worked with before that you are not having sex with them. You are going to have to do it again .

 

You may not like this but I also have another suggestion . Looking for understanding and being told how HARD it is to stop can sometimes reinforce that it's OK if you break NC because everyone understands. If your boss told you that if you did a behavior again you would be fired on the spot you probably would stop the behavior . If you don't act like that is what will happen you will not stop. And stop asking hi how he feels

Ironically it's more emotional than a sex thing... But I get your point!

[whichwayisup]

I posted back in May, trying to distance myself from MM. I managed 4 weeks with limited (work-related conversations only) to NC. I was doing so well and then I got reeled back in. He keeps saying he will leave, but never does anything. Excuses. I need to let go. Today is my lowest day yet. I upset him yesterday, saying truths he didn't want to hear. Today he avoids me. And I feel guilty........ I need to go NC and I need to stop making excuses for him. I deserve so much more than this. Strong, honest opinions would be appreciated.

 

If you were single and your boyfriend was treating you like this, what would you do? Hang onto him tighter and hope that 'some day' things will get better and he'll stop being a jerk? Or would you walk away and say F-U, I deserve better than this, goodbye!

 

Apply this to your situation with MM. Just because you love him doesn't mean he is the right one for you or should be in your life. The guy is married and has no intention of divorcing, he's got you by the balls, knows you well and can manipulate you by using your feelings for him against you.

 

Why do you feel guilty? Because you spoke up? You should be able to be honest and say what's on your mind, communicate your needs and not have him get upset enough that he ignores you. That's just rude and disrespectful.

 

Do yourself a list of pros and cons. What you love about him and what you are getting out of this vs what you dislike about him, how he makes you feel and how your life could be better and healthier without him in it.

 

PS: If he wanted to leave and divorce his wife, he would. He hasn't. Those who want to divorce, do so and they put together a plan and make it happen. You are giving yourself 'false' hope when he whispers sweet nothings in your ear. He just wants an affair with you and wants to stay married. It's up to you decide if you want to be the OW for years to come and accept that you're gonna be second fiddle or you can get strong and find the love for yourself and end the A once and for all.

 

Can you ask for a transfer at your job? maybe same line of work but different location?

Edited July 25, 2015 by whichwayisup

[Bluebell26]

You know what you want , and if you are telling the truth you want out of a toxic relationship.

 

The problem is you are looking for a way out that will not involve resolve and pain. Quitting the job of 20 years is not the answer . Hurting yourself financially is not the answer .

 

The words 'toxic relationship' stuck in my mind yesterday. So true. I am on Day 2 NC and working through the pain....

[Bluebell26]

If you were single and your boyfriend was treating you like this, what would you do? Hang onto him tighter and hope that 'some day' things will get better and he'll stop being a jerk? Or would you walk away and say F-U, I deserve better than this, goodbye!

 

Apply this to your situation with MM. Just because you love him doesn't mean he is the right one for you or should be in your life. The guy is married and has no intention of divorcing, he's got you by the balls, knows you well and can manipulate you by using your feelings for him against you.

 

Why do you feel guilty? Because you spoke up? You should be able to be honest and say what's on your mind, communicate your needs and not have him get upset enough that he ignores you. That's just rude and disrespectful.

 

Do yourself a list of pros and cons. What you love about him and what you are getting out of this vs what you dislike about him, how he makes you feel and how your life could be better and healthier without him in it.

 

PS: If he wanted to leave and divorce his wife, he would. He hasn't. Those who want to divorce, do so and they put together a plan and make it happen. You are giving yourself 'false' hope when he whispers sweet nothings in your ear. He just wants an affair with you and wants to stay married. It's up to you decide if you want to be the OW for years to come and accept that you're gonna be second fiddle or you can get strong and find the love for yourself and end the A once and for all.

 

Can you ask for a transfer at your job? maybe same line of work but different location?

 

Totally agree. I am trying to face the truth now, instead of making excuses. I want to be happy and respected.

[Friskyone4u]

When you start a new exercise program, your muscles ache for a while but each time you continbue with the program the ache becomes less and less. That is how you need to look at this.

 

But each time you break NC you set yourself back to the beginning of the exercise program.

 

Also, it may have been emotional for you but men stay in affairs for sex, and that is what he wants by trying to lure you back in. You will see how quickly he will honor the NC once it gets through to his brain he is not getting in bed with you again ever.