6 mths NC with ex, but still having some guilty feelings, accidentally broke NC today

[ForwardFocused]

Had a dream about him last night...Posting here to distract myself

[TheLoveBelow92]

Had a dream about him last night...Posting here to distract myself

 

good thats the best way to do things and its also how i deal with a break up to or how im learning too deal with a breakup, you have been overthinking and not by choice its hard not to at times, I haven't been in a lot of relationships to know at times whats best to do but only go on what i know, but I would unblock him just in case he rings you again and answer see what he has to say if anything to but dont get your hopes at all.

 

I dont have my ex blocked on anything just in case she wants to contact me, Do I care? of course I do, well maybe I think I do. Im not so totally sure about anything anymore. sometimes doing things the hard way and making your own mistakes is best because you wont learn otherwise.

 

Its like driving a car, you can learn by watching a few videos online but you wont really know until you hop in and give it a go

Ive made my mistakes and i know my answer.

Edited October 27, 2015 by TheLoveBelow92
adding more

[ForwardFocused]

I've been really wanting to reach out to him lately. Since the last time I posted here, I have seen his car a couple times (drove past him and saw his car parked at his workplace), which to be honest made me feel a bit anxious.

 

I have been trying so hard to be at peace with being no contact with him. It has been a year, so I thought that I would have progressed so much more, created my own closure and relish in my journey to complete self love....but I still want to pick at my scabs and reach out to him.....

[ForwardFocused]

For those of you who hadn't been in contact with your ex for several months and then broke your silence to express things left unsaid...did it bring you some form or closure or did you feel worse?

[Blanco]

You'll progress a lot more if you stop keeping tabs on him.

[Bom]

Hey everyone,

 

I admit that I kept my ex unblocked this past weekend to see if he would contact me since my accidental call on Friday. He did not.

 

I guess I thought he would have, seeing that he had been trying for a while to contact me (his last contact was 3 weeks ago).

 

To anyone who has been through as similar situation (tried to contact an ex who went NC on you (to no avail) and then heard from them in some shape or form months down the line), did you ignore them when you heard from them?

 

I can't believe I'm still thinking about this...

 

Me and my ex both went NC (or LC I guess since we remained unblocked on everything). After a year and even a new boyfriend, I wasn't stalking his profile, wasn't thinking about him, nothing. Then he randomly messaged me on snapchat asking me how I was (over a year from NC/LC). Even though I was fully moved on and had a new boyfriend, it effected me.

 

I was put in a state of shock, where all my feelings (bad not good ones) came rushing back and I felt I was back at square one. So yes when your ex who was doing NC/LC contacts you, it can be a bit unnerving even if you believe you are over them.

 

Despite him not answering, he will be effected by this. But he will feel like he has one up on you but being the one who ignores you now. I would suggest you block him everywhere now and try move on, and stop thinking about whether he will message you.

 

But I know that's hard, and it's up to you. It is possible to move on from an ex without blocking them everywhere, but it's hard and takes a lot longer, and if they try contact you, it can set you back A LOT.

[frigginlost]

For those of you who hadn't been in contact with your ex for several months and then broke your silence to express things left unsaid...did it bring you some form or closure or did you feel worse?

 

Longest I went was around 2 months (I'm a follower of Low Contact and weaning off as opposed to amputation. But I'm a rarity). When we did talk about things left unsaid, it came from a feeling that even though we had been apart for a year we could be 100% honest to each other about how we tanked the relationship.

 

In my particular situation the complete and total honesty grew a new seed with us... and we have been back together for 3 months...

 

Remember though, that closure comes from you and only you. No matter what another person says to you, only you can find closure.

[ForwardFocused]

Thank you for all of your responses.

 

I feel that both of us will be affected in some shape or form if I send him a message now, but a part of me is willing to take the chance and work through my emotions lateron. The way I feel right now, even if he does not respond to me, it would not matter. To be honest, I'm not seeking a response from him. I don't want to have a conversation. I would not message him to ask him how he's doing. The purpose of my message would just be to explain I suppose - to let him know that me cutting ties with no explanation might have seemed out of the blue, selfish and cowardly on my part, but he lost me because I was incredibly hurt by his actions - his 3 month silence along with finding out about his fake facebook profile and the cheating (which I found out through snooping). I did not want him to know that I snooped in his email. It was wrong of me, I know...and I did not want him to have a reason to flip the script on me about invading his privacy.

 

Maybe it's because it's been year and I'm also feeling reflective and emotional due to it being Christmas, but I don't want him to have a completely wrong perception of what went wrong and why I left him. I don't want him to hate me for the way I ended things. He might very well get an ego boost and feel like he has a one up on me after receiving the message as you said Bom - thinking 'wow it's been a year and she's bringing up all of this now' - but at the same time he will most likely be very shocked about me bringing up what he thought I had no clue about and it will all make sense to him why I cut ties

Edited December 25, 2015 by ForwardFocused

[ForwardFocused]

Longest I went was around 2 months (I'm a follower of Low Contact and weaning off as opposed to amputation. But I'm a rarity). When we did talk about things left unsaid, it came from a feeling that even though we had been apart for a year we could be 100% honest to each other about how we tanked the relationship.

 

In my particular situation the complete and total honesty grew a new seed with us... and we have been back together for 3 months...

 

Remember though, that closure comes from you and only you. No matter what another person says to you, only you can find closure.

 

I've read that many times on this forum. Closure comes from yourself and that no one can grant that to you.

 

I loved this person so much for so many years and he hurt me so badly. After a year, though I am in a much better place, I am still affected and he doesn't even know that I am aware of the things he did behind my back...all while I was nothing but honest and faithful to him. I've kept it bottled up, because I thought I could work through it on my own and just bow out of his life with dignity and no confrontations. How do let go of how I am feeling so I can get closure?

[NopeNah]

I've read that many times on this forum. Closure comes from yourself and that no one can grant that to you.

 

I loved this person so much for so many years and he hurt me so badly. After a year, though I am in a much better place, I am still affected and he doesn't even know that I am aware of the things he did behind my back...all while I was nothing but honest and faithful to him. I've kept it bottled up, because I thought I could work through it on my own and just bow out of his life with dignity and no confrontations. How do let go of how I am feeling so I can get closure?

 

'Closure' comes from you,not him... You have to either forgive or forget what he/you did and let it go..No point,now, at harboring resentment.

[Blanco]

It should also be clarified that forgiving him would not be the same as excusing his wrong doings. You are forgiving him so that you can let go and be freed from the burden that is carrying resentment. It's not easy, but it is one of the most beneficial things you can do for yourself in situations like this.

[DontBreakEven]

I just disagree with everyone here.

 

Yes, closure comes from within, but you CAN get it from someone else. Maybe not in the way you are expecting, though.

 

Take my examples:

 

My exfiance left the house one day and never came back and months went by and I just needed SOMETHING. Finally, I randomly saw her at a bar, so I approached her and talked like nothing had happened. She was completely shocked, but I said something about getting a new dog (she took ours with her), and she said something to the effect of "you will find the right dog for you", or something. In that moment I knew, that girl had NOTHING to give to me. Nothing for me. It was my closure. The next day I felt a million times better. I need her words, her lack of emotion, for this to happen. I needed to hear it and witness it.

 

You asked about contacting exes and getting things off your chest and did it help? I finally contacted my most recent ex because nothing was happening. I was just re-living the past over and over and over in my head, wasn't moving forward, waiting for her almost to see the light. So I contacted her to see if she had seen the light. No no, quite the opposite, she was back to sleeping with the man she was sleeping with before we met. She loves him. She loves me. She loves us both. That was fantastic closure for me, let me tell ya. The first 24 hours hurt like a b*tch, but after the shock wore off, the weight lifted, the waiting stopped, and I will never look back. I took everything she did as a sign that she felt just as awful as I did, and was waiting too. She didn't. She wasn't. She actually said to me, "What are you waiting for??" Hearing those words come from her has done wonders for me moving on.

Edited December 27, 2015 by DontBreakEven

[Blanco]

I missed the part where the OP said she still wanted a relationship with this man.

[ForwardFocused]

I started writing something that I want to send to him. I will leave it here for now.

 

 

Hi __________ . I have wanted to say something to you for a while now, but no time really seemed best. I feel that I owe it to myself to be honest and upfront with you. When you sent me that message on Christmas day of 2014 asking me what you had done, I thought the best thing for me to do was to not say anything. My silence continued for a long time because I had reached a point where I felt that moving on was the best thing for me.

 

The truth is, I knew about your Mike facebook profile, the nude pictures you sent and received online, the invitation(s) to spend the weekend with you. I knew about those things. I was hurt by them and I wanted to be upfront with you…but I felt that you wouldn’t be truthful if I asked – so I chose not to.

[Blanco]

Seems like you still think he's the only one capable of providing you with closure, so you might as well send it, if for nothing else than to finally destroy this misconception.

[ForwardFocused]

Seems like you still think he's the only one capable of providing you with closure, so you might as well send it, if for nothing else than to finally destroy this misconception.

 

Thank you for your response Blanco. Also thank you to Praying4Daylight and DontBreakEven for your responses last year.

 

My feeling of wanting to contact him keeps coming back every now and again and it's frustrating. I'm really going to have to work on the concept of 'closure' on a deeper level this year, because obviously I'm still harboring resentment.

 

I keep coming back here on LS, because it provides a much needed outlet for my feelings... but I have to do the inner work, dig deep and really ask why do I keep doing this to myself. Why do I feel the need to say to him what I posted above now - more than a year later after it happened? How will I feel if I send it to him? Will I feel different the next day? Maybe, maybe not. Am I subconsciously wanting a response? Am I waiting for a specific moment when I *feel* something, anything, that qualifies as closure?

 

I can either keep rehashing the past over and over again, or I can learn to take control and claim my closure without feeling the need to involve him in a moment...that I very well may eventually discover is possible to create on my own...

[Blanco]

I have a nasty habit of ruminating too much when it comes to my own matters of the heart. That's why I can speak from a place of authority. I've been there. Heck, I'd argue that I've been there recently and still am to some degree.

 

Time is a wonderful tool for moving on, yet it only works in conjunction with our efforts to actively heal and move on. I've spent much of the last year thinking about what I would say to my ex. What she probably "deserves" to hear. What she "needs" to hear. All told, though, I've said very little of these things, and absolutely nothing in that respect for probably eight or nine months.

 

It's been tough; excruciating at times. Yet I've talked myself out of this again and again by reminding myself of how ineffectual I was getting her to see my side of things when we were partners. Why would she listen now, when she has less incentive to than ever before? When she's with someone else, thus validating her belief that if she's with someone, then she never really needs to address her own hand in the deterioration of her relationships, because hey, if someone is still willing to be with her, she's not really to blame for anything, is she?

 

Getting your thoughts out there is cathartic, and that's why I journal. It allows me to express and FEEL my feelings; validate and give them value. But journaling allows me to do this in a safe environment. The problem with telling an ex these things is that it's probably the most volatile, unsafe environment to express these thoughts and feelings.

 

My ex still reaches out now and then, but it's clear she has not changed at all. She still finds a way to pin blame on me, even in situations where there need not be a culprit. Some things just have to happen. In our relationship, she got used to me giving in to this treatment and eventually seeing things her way, even when she was clearly in the wrong. So I don't blame her for thinking she can still pull that crap. I've never given her reason to think it wouldn't work until recently. But that just agitates her even more.

 

Tl;dr I've come to accept that there's no words that will get my ex to see my side of things or feel empathy for me. She should, but she's not capable of it, and I no longer stand to gain much from the best case scenario. As such, it's foolish of me to put too much emphasis on her when the potential returns are so low.

[ForwardFocused]

In an effort to move on, I decided that it was time to meet new people, so on Wednesday I signed up on a site where you can socialize with people all over the world. Well, I found him on there. I live on a small island in the Caribbean, so he popped up in the "people nearby" fairly quickly.

 

He did not have many pictures up (most of them I have seen already), but I noticed in one of his pictures that he had on a necklace with a pendant that I gave him, years ago. I also found out that he quit his job and started his own business and has his own store. I have been thinking about him ever since then. I really did not expect to see him on the site...

 

I still want to reach out to him. I still do. Instead, I journalled my feelings, got emotional, got sad, I even missed him?.. I'm worried that I might run into him one day though...what then?

 

Is it weird that I am happy for him that he has started his own business? (I knew that he was unhappy in the job that he quit, for a long time). I am truly happy for him and I wish I could tell him, but I can't..

 

I decided to delete my profile on the site for now by the way....

[ForwardFocused]

He called me today, from a number I did not recognize.

 

When I answered and I heard his voice...my heart dropped.

 

He questioned me as to why I had not been answering his calls and kept saying that after all this time of him contacting me, I had not contacted him back and how bad that was and said that 'clearly I had moved on'.

 

I did not want to say anything I would regret. I kind of just stayed there on the phone saying nothing. All I could think to ask was if he was at work. He then immediately tells me in a matter of fact kind of way, yes and that he has established his own store now. Soon after that, the call cut off.

 

He then proceeded to text me several messages telling me that he will always love me and even if I don't want to speak to him he wants me to know that. He called me a few more times and sent another text saying that he just wants to speak to me and if I can answer his calls.

 

He sent me a few messages on whatsapp (including the name of his store) as well as something we always did when we were together - he sent me a song (Adele's "Hello").

 

I then broke NC. I said to him " Give me a little time ok. I'll talk to you". He then said that he closes up at 6 and I'm to talk to him before then.

 

I really think it's time for me to close this chapter and I dont think blocking and ignoring him is the way to go. He still wants to know why I have been ignoring him, and I'm not gonna lie, I want to tell him - in a classy way. Nothing with bitterness or resentment or anger. I just want to simply tell him why.

 

Can someone help me to construct a message to sent to him?

[ForwardFocused]

This has been weighing heavily on me for a very long time (sending him a message, explaining). It's like a cloud over my head, that I have been wanting to get rid of. I admit, I think about him every day, in some shape or form (and little did I know, he was thinking about me too). I never thought I would hear from him again...

[BC1980]

You really think he doesn't know why you cut him off? Really? You really think he needs an explanation? The guy disappeared for 3 months. Based on that alone, he needs to get the axe, and, if he can't figure out WHY, he's pretty dense. Maybe he doesn't know that you knew about the FB account and the nude pics, but that's beside the point.

 

You are your own worst enemy. You have only yourself to blame at this point. You refuse to go NC and cut him off. You have somehow convinced yourself that he is worthy of social media stalking and contacting. You have made yourself the bad guy and are carrying the guilt. He has the never to call you and reprimand you for not returning his calls. Now, you are feeling guilty after all he has done.

[BC1980]

This has been weighing heavily on me for a very long time (sending him a message, explaining). It's like a cloud over my head, that I have been wanting to get rid of. I admit, I think about him every day, in some shape or form (and little did I know, he was thinking about me too). I never thought I would hear from him again...

 

Of course, he will contact you again. He wants the attention and the pity. He's using you to absolve his guilt.

[ForwardFocused]

If he knows the reason, why would he still pretend to not know up to this point?

 

Do you think sending him one last message is a bad idea?

[ForwardFocused]

What is he really feeling guilty about anyways? He surly isn't feeling guilty about cheating on me or the FB account or the nude pics. He doesn't know that I know, so why do you think he is feeling guilty?

[ForwardFocused]

He just sent me two pictures of himself and said "That's me now". Clearly he has been working out.

 

Interesting that he is showing me this now? He's sending me these messages, telling me where he works and showing me pictures of his post work-out body to do what exactly? To show me how well he is doing?