It all ended in disaster

[loveweary11]

I'm late to the party, but if I'm not mistaken, this girl you've been seeing did a 180 on you and now you're stuck with her for 3 months as you're in the middle of traveling? Is that right?

 

You seem to be a lot like me. I consider my best qualities to be that I'm compassionate and loving, but I ALWAYS fall for the cold girls. Sorry to hear this dude. I hope you do the right thing, as hard as it might be, and walk away knowing she's toxic.

 

Getting involved with a self-proclaimed free spirit is risky. They'll use that to validate their crappy behavior whenever they can.

 

That's exactly what she does. Uses the free spirit stuff to validate treating other people like garbage and be 100% self centered. Lesson learned.

[loveweary11]

Wait...you're not going to spend the next 3 months with her now are you? You are leaving on Tuesday, correct? She's a big girl. I can't believe she has no savings at all, especially if she's a model who gets modeling gigs. Is she bad with money? Does she even work or just random modeling gigs? If she's a model why not sign with an agency and do jobs. Her behavior makes no sense to me. Trust fund baby, is she? How does she support herself? Through sugar daddies?

 

Where do you plan to travel to on Tuesday? How will you leave things with her?

 

She's here for some work. It's a major step in her plans in life. I'm not going to destroy that on her. I'm just not going to stay in the same place as her. I'm staying in NY.

[loveweary11]

Several times today you've said something along this line, yet so far, no, you are not done.

 

She is still there next to you. That doesn't sound like done...

 

I can't throw her out on the streets. Logistics. Tomorrow, we'll part ways.

[loveweary11]

Please tell her to contact her parents.

 

Bottom line is that she's a 25 year old stranded in NYC with a 38 year old man who flew her there. I'm a mom of 20-somethings and I would happily get my kiddos out of this situation. I would DEFINITELY NOT want my 25 year old alone in NYC or in the situation you two are in.

Dream? that's new....

 

Tell her to get ahold of her mom.

 

She's 25, not 16.

 

She's doing whatever she wants and has many years of experience being on her own traveling. You should be less over protective of your kids. They are adults and need to learn how to deal with adversity on their own.

[loveweary11]

Hopefully, one day soon, you wake up and realize that she sucks.

 

Got that message loud and clear yesterday.

 

I have a responsibility as a decent human being to transition this well for her, is all.

[elaine567]

That's exactly what she does. Uses the free spirit stuff to validate treating other people like garbage and be 100% self centered. Lesson learned.

 

She's 25, free spirit, already travelled the world on her own, no money and the offer of free board and lodgings for three months, what did you really expect here?

 

I think you assumed too much, she is young she is there to experience life, you had your own idea of the romantic day, and when she wasn't as appreciative as you hoped and she did her own "stupid" thing, you had a tantrum and called in #2 - was that really adult behaviour?

How old are you? RQ

 

Him:It's your birthday, I organised a big party and a huge chocolate cake, all for you.

Her:I hate parties, I have social anxiety disorder and I am allergic to chocolate.

Him: OK, why are you spoiling things? You ungrateful wretch... I am going off to sleep with Sarah...

[BlueIris]

She's 25, not 16.

 

She's doing whatever she wants and has many years of experience being on her own traveling. You should be less over protective of your kids. They are adults and need to learn how to deal with adversity on their own.

 

Tell her to call her family. It shouldn't matter to you what her family does at this point, or what you think she should learn and how. You're done with her.

 

I promise this isn’t that special or unique. Heck, you call family if you’re 40 or 50 and stranded somewhere, so someone can get money to you. This is the low-drama solution, no matter what age, gender, location, etc. Not a big deal at all.

 

Your opinions about how she should learn lessons in adversity are pretty much irrelevant since you're not even her partner or friend anymore. And you have to admit- you’re extremely emotionally involved in this, likely not the best judge of solutions as a result.

 

My kids aren't over-protected, have traveled, blah blah. They've had their moments, as we all have. My BF’s daughter had a moment somewhat like this young woman is in, similar drama and "adversity." Same deal- he helped out. Every family member I know would. Don’t worry about that.

 

Be done with this and tell her to call her family.

 

Just noticed this:

Got that message loud and clear yesterday.

 

I have a responsibility... to transition this well for her, is all.

 

No, I think it is a very bad idea for you to be involved in her trajectory from now on. Unless it's getting her to call family.

Edited July 27, 2015 by BlueIris

[Popsicle]

Got that message loud and clear yesterday.

 

I have a responsibility as a decent human being to transition this well for her, is all.

 

I hear you. Just stick with it and don't backslide.

[loveweary11]

I hear you. Just stick with it and don't backslide.

 

I won't. Had a civil, good conversation with her this morning about the fact that we are very compatible with interests, but 100% not compatible from a personality perspective.

 

We are just going through the motions in a professional/courteous manner so she isnt out on the streets.

 

I have enough other girls here blowing up my phone, i should be ok on not backsliding. Making lots of multi dating plans to keep busy and away from her.

 

It's hard because, IMO, on the exterior, she is top .5% on the planet in looks, but the inside was so terribly rotten, i think im good no matter how she looks.

[serial muse]

I don't think she viewed this as a romantic date (or day), which is why she thought it was acceptable to ditch you for the other guys. That behavior speaks volumes about how she feels about you because you're right -- you don't do that on a date. As you said in your initial post, you are totally in the friend zone.

 

Yes - honestly, there's a kind of whiplash involved in saying one minute "it's cool, go off and take photos with those guys" and then an hour later furiously leaving because you were left to sit alone. This isn't about being controlling or not controlling, LW - it's about being passive aggressive. You didn't want her to go with those guys, and you didn't want her to flirt with them, but you felt that you had to pretend like you were fine with it all, both because that's what you think she wants and it's what you think you want. But it isn't true to yourself and the end result is that you're quietly steaming and it erupts in a furious snit rather than just being up front from the get-go that you don't want her to go off with them for a while and that you kind of thought you were on a date, here, so WTF.

 

I told you in your previous thread about her that you're asking her for something contradictory - you're romanticizing this whole "free spirit" thing while at the same time having an expectation that she will want one tie - to you. Well, that makes no sense.

 

I think you've built up a picture of her in your mind that isn't accurate or fleshed out to a real human being - and now you're angry with her for not being that dream girl.

 

That's not fair. I wonder if she fully understood your expectations when she joined you for this trip. I suspect that you didn't tell her, because you were playing it cool. And you were trying to be a "free spirit" yourself. But the fact is you wanted something, you did have expectations, and you struggle to admit to yourself that you're not quite as freewheeling as you try to present. I'm not sure why, because there's nothing wrong with it. The only trouble is when two people aren't honest with each other. I don't think you were really honest with her, and while she does sound flighty and insensitive and selfish, she's hardly "pure evil" for leaving you alone for an hour when she had already made it clear that you aren't dating.

 

She's 25 and she's not at your emotional place. That's a thing to accept, not to rail against. There's nothing wrong with it and it doesn't mean you're automatically a cubicle drone.

 

Maybe it's time to drop the black-and-white thinking about people and just try to see them for who they are?

 

And by the way, you can't in one breath say that it's overprotective for a parent to want to protect a 25 year old who should make her own mistakes ... and then do exactly that! Whiplash again. I think it's kind that you're not throwing her on the street, but if she's making the choice to stay in NYC for her own reasons, then you should make a plan for her to move out. Get a job, find a place, you have 4 weeks to get on your feet, etc., but I don't want you to stay with me past that point because it's not fair to either of us.

Edited July 27, 2015 by serial muse

[loveweary11]

Yes - honestly, there's a kind of whiplash involved in saying one minute "it's cool, go off and take photos with those guys" and then an hour later furiously leaving because you were left to sit alone. This isn't about being controlling or not controlling, LW - it's about being passive aggressive.

 

I told you in your previous thread about her that you're asking her for something contradictory - you're romanticizing this whole "free spirit" thing while at the same time having an expectation that she will want one tie - to you. Well, that makes no sense.

 

I think you've built up a picture of her in your mind that isn't accurate or fleshed out to a real human being - and now you're angry with her for not being your dream girl.

 

That's not fair. I wonder if she fully understood your expectations when she joined you for this trip. I suspect that you didn't tell her, because you were playing it cool. And you were trying to be a "free spirit" yourself. But the fact is you wanted something, you did have expectations, and you struggle to admit to yourself that you're not quite as freewheeling as you try to present. I'm not sure why, because there's nothing wrong with it. The only trouble is when two people aren't honest with each other. I don't think you were really honest with her, and while she does sound flighty and insensitive and selfish, she's hardly "pure evil" for leaving you alone for an hour when she had already made it clear that you aren't dating.

 

She's 25 and she's not at your emotional place. That's a thing to accept, not to rail against. There's nothing wrong with it and it doesn't mean you're automatically a cubicle drone.

 

Maybe it's time to drop the black-and-white thinking about people and just try to see them for who they are?

 

And by the way, you can't in one breath say that it's overprotective for a parent to want to protect a 25 year old who should make her own mistakes ... and do exactly that! Whiplash again. I think it's kind that you're not throwing her on the street, but if she's making the choice to stay in NYC for her own reasons, then you should make a plan for her to move out. Get a job, find a place, you have 4 weeks to get on your feet, etc., but I don't want you to stay with me past that point because it's not fair to either of us.

 

Mostly, I agree. You are cherry picking a single moment out though. She's been treating me like **** for years now. The incident in this thread is one in a long string of crap from her. She reached my breaking point. I'm really nice and understanding until pushed too far, then I turn a bit vicious. She got me there. There are countless other highly offensive things she's done. This was the straw that broke the camel's back in my patience.

 

I am doing exactly as you said. Transitioning her out. Within a few days, not weeks.

 

What I'm angry at is how she lead me on, used my love against me for selfish purposes That's where I'm angry because this is like the top of the iceberg you all know about.

 

I knew she had these serious flaws. I figured they were temporary maybe.

[serial muse]

Mostly, I agree. You are cherry picking a single moment out though. She's been treating me like **** for years now. The incident in this thread is one in a long string of crap from her. She reached my breaking point. I'm really nice and understanding until pushed too far, then I turn a bit vicious. She got me there. There are countless other highly offensive things she's done. This was the straw that broke the camel's back in my patience.

 

I am doing exactly as you said. Transitioning her out. Within a few days, not weeks.

 

What I'm angry at is how she lead me on, used my love against me for selfish purposes That's where I'm angry because this is like the top of the iceberg you all know about.

 

I knew she had these serious flaws. I figured they were temporary maybe.

 

Hm. Again, I don't really think I'm the one cherry-picking events to tell a narrative. I mean, think about it: You started this thread by saying how much you love her, and now you say she's treated you like **** for years. But it sounds like she's always been this way; you didn't want her to be, because you were in love with the idea that such a beautiful free spirit would cleave to you, and so you ignored the things you didn't want to see and only focused on the things you did. That's the cherry-picking here.

 

Yes, I'm sure she's selfish. But you knew that. And she didn't lead you on. She told you what was what from the start. You could give her that, at least. Having sex was never a promise, and she never, apparently, pretended it was.

 

It's not your "fault" that she's selfish, but this situation you're in is due to a choice you made. I wonder, though, whether you'll learn the lesson from it that will most benefit you. It's not "chicks be evil and selfish". And it's not "I'm too trusting and giving".

[The Poster]

Good for you to continue treating her with respect even after she's shown you none. That's very admirable and it will serve you well moving forward. I believe good things happen to good people and you are earning yourself some solid points with the karma gods.

[gaius]

I don't know man, my girlfriend is stunningly beautiful, to the point I've never gotten more respect from bagboys at Publix than I do when she's with me but if she wasn't the person she is I probably wouldn't have been interested. Bagboy respect be damned.

 

If you're going through all this nonsense because she's the top .5% in the world or whatever there are better ways of getting validation. And if you're not, it's about something else, the free spirit thing, then you know she doesn't love or care about you on an instinctual level. Or is even that into you apparently. So what's going on that you're drawn to a woman like that, especially if you have a lot of options. =/

[loveweary11]

Hm. Again, I don't really think I'm the one cherry-picking events to tell a narrative. I mean, think about it: You started this thread by saying how much you love her, and now you say she's treated you like **** for years. But it sounds like she's always been this way; you didn't want her to be, because you were in love with the idea that such a beautiful free spirit would cleave to you, and so you ignored the things you didn't want to see and only focused on the things you did. That's the cherry-picking here.

 

Yes, I'm sure she's selfish. But you knew that. And she didn't lead you on. She told you what was what from the start. You could give her that, at least. Having sex was never a promise, and she never, apparently, pretended it was.

 

It's not your "fault" that she's selfish, but this situation you're in is due to a choice you made. I wonder, though, whether you'll learn the lesson from it that will most benefit you. It's not "chicks be evil and selfish". And it's not "I'm too trusting and giving".

 

 

Right. Exactly.

 

I picked the wrong chick. Story of my life.

[loveweary11]

I don't know man, my girlfriend is stunningly beautiful, to the point I've never gotten more respect from bagboys at Publix than I do when she's with me but if she wasn't the person she is I probably wouldn't have been interested. Bagboy respect be damned.

 

If you're going through all this nonsense because she's the top .5% in the world or whatever there are better ways of getting validation. And if you're not, it's about something else, the free spirit thing, then you know she doesn't love or care about you on an instinctual level. Or is even that into you apparently. So what's going on that you're drawn to a woman like that, especially if you have a lot of options. =/

 

I don't know man, live and learn, I guess.

 

I am drawn to racy girls who are a challenge sometimes.

[Timshel]

More than a challenge LW.....no peace, no love. You know that there is a difference between hard to get and down right impossible?

 

Too bad about your boat LW.

 

You were all in with her last week and now, nada. I agree with you to not abandon her in NY and to see this through as a mutual agreement.

 

I don't think that you know how to love a woman; everything is about you. I get, don't get and might get; I am an awesome bloke for putting up with someone who won't put out.

 

Why not just be you? Why come on LS and complain about being who you are?

 

LW, you don't seem ready to be steady and sure. That's ok but don't complain and put it off on others.

 

You will get there, until then......be you.

[pureinheart]

Well, the yoga chick is trying to friend zone me.

 

I'm not having it, so I'm breaking off our friendship as well.

 

Feeling really, really hurt and depressed because she was literally the only girl I was interested in at all.

 

Now, there are none.

 

I was multi dating, but only had feelings for one, which is usually the case for me.

 

Topping that off, a fuel company trucked in a batch of "I don't know what" to my boat and destroyed both brand new engines. So the yoga chick and I flew to NY....and things are getting worse by the minute.

 

I am not interested in anyone. Not interested in her now. Not feeling like going out to meet people.

 

Feeling quite depressed.

 

Why bother? I feel like there is no such thing as happiness through love or other people.

 

I know this is a really long thread and I'm coming in late, although I hate to see you so down. I've only read OP and CH's reply. I too am bummed about your boat.

 

Ok, just want to say thing, if that is your real avatar/picture, you look exactly like my son who is 35 (I had him REALLY young...lol). I even have a picture with the same pose. Wow.

 

Anyway, to the point, do you think this may be a point in your life when you are supposed to be single- 'me' time maybe? I know people hate to hear this, I did, but had I listened maybe I could have a avoided a couple of marriages.

 

Hey, you are good people dude, so hang in there and wait for the right one- have the patience to endure and don't let the 'I can't be alone' attitude get you.

[pureinheart]

I don't know man, my girlfriend is stunningly beautiful, to the point I've never gotten more respect from bagboys at Publix than I do when she's with me but if she wasn't the person she is I probably wouldn't have been interested. Bagboy respect be damned.

 

If you're going through all this nonsense because she's the top .5% in the world or whatever there are better ways of getting validation. And if you're not, it's about something else, the free spirit thing, then you know she doesn't love or care about you on an instinctual level. Or is even that into you apparently. So what's going on that you're drawn to a woman like that, especially if you have a lot of options. =/

 

I just want you guys to know how happy I am for you and T... saw something in another thread that indicated you two are together. Meant to say something, although it was late and posting is a mood thing for me sometimes. (((((G & T)))))

[nouedis]

I know how it is you feel.

My girlfriend broke up with me last night through text even though she said she wanted to be with me. So, I'm in a ****ty predicament as well.

If it makes you feel any better, she was the only one I had eyes on as well. Freaking sucks when you're humble/loyal to a chick and they don't even realize what it is they have until it's gone for good.

 

Don't sweat it dude all will be fine in the end for you and me.

[Timshel]

I just want you guys to know how happy I am for you and T... saw something in another thread that indicated you two are together. Meant to say something, although it was late and posting is a mood thing for me sometimes. (((((G & T)))))

 

Thanks and love.

[loveweary11]

More than a challenge LW.....no peace, no love. You know that there is a difference between hard to get and down right impossible?

 

Too bad about your boat LW.

 

You were all in with her last week and now, nada. I agree with you to not abandon her in NY and to see this through as a mutual agreement.

 

I don't think that you know how to love a woman; everything is about you. I get, don't get and might get; I am an awesome bloke for putting up with someone who won't put out.

 

I agree with a lot of this, but you're a little off here. I am too about the other person, rather than myself. How do you think she was able to use me? You are currently reading the thread of someone upset he put out so very much (not mentioned here) only to get hurt. I'm actually as close to perfect as they come in a relationship and have no trouble keeping them. Not doing dishes and laundry in a timely fashion has to be my biggest drawback.

 

 

Why not just be you? Why come on LS and complain about being who you are?

 

LW, you don't seem ready to be steady and sure. That's ok but don't complain and put it off on others.

 

You will get there, until then......be you.

 

I'm ready, but need to find someone compatible on all levels. We were not... and we both agree about this. We have everything on the world in common, but I'm a cynic. She's eternally positive, even while getting scammed. She is a free range chick. I like to pair bond. Incompatible differences, though so many other things are in common.

Edited July 27, 2015 by loveweary11

[Rejected Rosebud]

I've read alot of your threads and this one seems very contradictory to the way you have represented yourself up to now, it seems like you don't really know who you are or what you want out of these girls, I bet you are VERY confusing.

[Imajerk17]

Well LW, I'm am sorry to hear this, but I am not at all surprised it turned out this way.

 

It is tough to unwind everything that happened and apportion the blame appropriately, but I do get the impression that both you and Yoga are stubborn and can be poor communicators. And most importantly, I get the impression that you didn't think this through, INCLUDING the fact that you and Yoga seem to be on different pages regarding your relationship. And so everything imploded.

 

I mean, whether you felt it was right of her to do so or not, you can't be that surprised that Yoga Girl would have no problems making new male friends in NYC. Didn't the two of you discuss ANY of this beforehand?

 

From your threads overall, I take it that you are a dreamer and that is good. BUT, I think you'd have *ahem* smoother sailing if you planned more thoroughly, and from the remarks you get on your other threads, others on here seem to feel the same way. Hopefully the lessons you are learning here will serve you when you do decide to take your trip around the world.

[loveweary11]

I've read alot of your threads and this one seems very contradictory to the way you have represented yourself up to now, it seems like you don't really know who you are or what you want out of these girls, I bet you are VERY confusing.

 

I'm just me.

 

What's contradictory?

 

Just a normal person who got hurt and posted a thread real time, that follows the accompanying emotions rollercoaster.

 

My heart hits the floor every time I have to interact with this girl, but we have agreed we aren't compatible and are doing fine transitioning her.

 

I loved her very much... for several years now.

 

Who else here knows what they are looking for, exactly, after thinking they'd be married for life?

 

Not many people, I'm sure.