It all ended in disaster

[PussySlam]

Maybe all the push-pull has caused you to be addicted to the drama, and it's simple case of wanting what you can't have.

[cerridwen]

 

I'm even more rare, i guess, since I'm a free spirit who pair bonds and enjoys committed, stable relationships without drama.

 

Wait, what??

 

Hi Loveweary,

 

This jumped out at me as being a glaring example of lack of self awareness since from where I stand and what Ive read of your many posts, you LOVE the drama that's the cornerstone of this--and other--entanglements.

 

If drama was an apple pie, your face would be buried in it!

If it was a gallon of milk, you'd be pouring it over your head!

(Can you tell Im hungry?)

 

Do you really not see how you *choose* to involve yourself with, and maintain relationship with, highly dramatic people?

Edited July 30, 2015 by cerridwen

[loveweary11]

Wait, what??

 

Hi Loveweary,

 

This jumped out at me as being a glaring example of lack of self awareness since from where I stand and what Ive read of your many posts, you LOVE the drama that's the cornerstone of this--and other--entanglements.

 

If drama was an apple pie, your face would be buried in it!

If it was a gallon of milk, you'd be pouring it over your head!

(Can you tell Im hungry?)

 

Do you really not see how you *choose* to involve yourself with, and maintain relationship with, highly dramatic people?

 

Huh?

 

I have only had one relationship in the past 15 years or so.

 

It was a marriage. It was mostly stable and drama free. We traveled.

 

The hook up culture stuff is just what's out there now.

 

It's pretty much like taking a pile of clothing into a dressing room and trying them all on. Not fun, but necessary to find one outfit that fits.

Edited July 30, 2015 by loveweary11

[serial muse]

Huh?

 

I have only had one relationship in the past 15 years or so.

 

It was a marriage. It was mostly stable and drama free. We traveled.

 

The hook up culture stuff is just what's out there now.

 

It's pretty much like taking a pile of clothing into a dressing room and trying them all on. Not fun, but necessary to find one outfit that fits.

 

But..you've posted on here about various girls you've dated, and that one who even lived with you. It's not just your ex-wife. And you're attracted to a certain type of girl. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/517889-why-am-i-never-one

 

The question is why you want this type. I do wonder if the attraction is the push-pull for you. Which...is a drama-seeking kind of thing. This is what I alluded to upthread. I was worried you wouldn't take away the lesson from this episode that would help you. This seems to suggest that...yes, you're not going to take it away. That's a shame, but...don't know what else to tell you.

[cerridwen]

Huh?

 

I have only had one relationship in the past 15 years or so.

 

It was a marriage. It was mostly stable and drama free. We traveled.

 

The hook up culture stuff is just what's out there now.

 

It's pretty much like taking a pile of clothing into a dressing room and trying them all on. Not fun, but necessary to find one outfit that fits.

 

I have a close friend who went through a NIGHTMARE relationship with a woman.

Nightmare.

He truly hated drama after it ended.

 

When he signed up for a rowing class the next year, he couldn't help but be physically attracted to another participant.

He felt drawn to her. She was stunning.

She was lively.

She was interesting.

He felt compelled to interact...until he realized that she was as mad as a box of frogs.

That was it.

He didnt want drama and so he steered clear and chose not to interact unless forced to.

He made a choice, just like you make a choice.

 

The difference is you keep CHOOSING to embroil yourself in the fights, the arguments, the emotionally charged situations.

Then you lament as though you're powerless, a victim of "love's wretched grip!"

I dont want to go back and cut and paste the dozen of times you chose to continue this.

It's a pain to do on a phone.

But I urge you to go back to each time you've written about being at a crossroads,

and how you choose the drama highway, with "attraction" or love, as your reason.

That's fine if you decide to live life in such a way.

Al least own it instead of denying you're a large part of it.

Edited July 30, 2015 by cerridwen

[johan]

It's a pain to do on a phone.

 

I couldn't agree more.

[Ruby Slippers]

The hook up culture stuff is just what's out there now.

While the hookup culture is pervasive, you can certainly find a relationship that isn't about hooking up, if that's really what you want.

 

I think it's a bit lazy of you to blame your circumstances on "the culture". You don't let mass trends stop you in any other area - so why would you when it comes to love?

 

You're a man who knows exactly how to go after what you want - so if what you wanted was something other than hookups, you'd seek it and find it.

 

As I see it, a love weary man saying "the hook up culture stuff is just what's out there now" is the same as a body weary man saying "the fast food stuff is just what's out there now." He's defining the boundaries of his own world and what pulls him in, not the whole world.

 

My main frustration in seeking a life partner over the past year and a half was that most men seemed to want something shallow that would satisfy them for the short term - kind of like a drive-thru fast food meal. So I understand that many are seeking meaningless, diversionary hookups. But I wanted something much deeper and more enduring, and I knew this kind of fast food man wasn't the only kind out there.

 

Once I got very clear, specific, and bold in seeking what I desired, without worrying about any limitations, I found him.

 

Now I'm in the best relationship of my life, with a man who lavishes me with genuine love every hour of the day, a man who supports me and does anything he can to help me rise to my highest potential in this life. The other day he showed me a post on one of his social media accounts that said in love and marriage, when a man chooses a woman for her body, and a woman chooses a man for his money, it will inevitably end in heartbreak and divorce, because it's shallow and empty. He has told me many times that while he loves my face, my body, and our sex, the main draw for him is not the surface attractions, but the pull to my heart and soul. This is very clear in everything he does for me. It makes our love and affection feel fated, timeless, universal, and deep.

 

You're a man who always find a way, when it's really important to you. So I challenge you on the flimsy excuse you offered here.

[loveweary11]

It sure does seem that way.

 

My ex wife was crazy as they come (diagnosed mental illnesses).

 

However, it seems the ones I'm attracted to physically, are short, crazy, in shape brunettes.

 

Nobody else does it for me physically. They just don't spark an interest.

 

There are probably examples of short, non crazy brunettes, but I don't run into any of those.

[Phoe]

It's pretty much like taking a pile of clothing into a dressing room and trying them all on. Not fun, but necessary to find one outfit that fits.

 

If I'm clothes shopping and I don't see anything in the store that I'm excited to try on, I won't even bother with the dressing room. I'll just leave.

 

That, or if the one thing I liked the most and tried on doesn't work, I'm not gonna go back to frantically searching the racks. I'll go home. Wait for another time when something quite likeable stands out in a store, and I'll try it on.

 

The same mindset of course can apply for dating!

[loveweary11]

While the hookup culture is pervasive, you can certainly find a relationship that isn't about hooking up, if that's really what you want.

 

I think it's a bit lazy of you to blame your circumstances on "the culture". You don't let mass trends stop you in any other area - so why would you when it comes to love?

 

You're a man who knows exactly how to go after what you want - so if what you wanted was something other than hookups, you'd seek it and find it.

 

As I see it, a love weary man saying "the hook up culture stuff is just what's out there now" is the same as a body weary man saying "the fast food stuff is just what's out there now." He's defining the boundaries of his own world and what pulls him in, not the whole world.

 

My main frustration in seeking a life partner over the past year and a half was that most men seemed to want something shallow that would satisfy them for the short term - kind of like a drive-thru fast food meal. So I understand that many are seeking meaningless, diversionary hookups. But I wanted something much deeper and more enduring, and I knew this kind of fast food man wasn't the only kind out there.

 

Once I got very clear, specific, and bold in seeking what I desired, without worrying about any limitations, I found him.

 

Now I'm in the best relationship of my life, with a man who lavishes me with genuine love every hour of the day, a man who supports me and does anything he can to help me rise to my highest potential in this life. The other day he showed me a post on one of his social media accounts that said in love and marriage, when a man chooses a woman for her body, and a woman chooses a man for his money, it will inevitably end in heartbreak and divorce, because it's shallow and empty. He has told me many times that while he loves my face, my body, and our sex, the main draw for him is not the surface attractions, but the pull to my heart and soul. This is very clear in everything he does for me. It makes our love and affection feel fated, timeless, universal, and deep.

 

You're a man who always find a way, when it's really important to you. So I challenge you on the flimsy excuse you offered here.

 

Well put.

 

I'll keep looking, but you do have to wade into hookup culture to find people.

 

After all, women pretty much expect goid sex second or 3rd date, so, sex comes before the rest.

[elaine567]

It sure does seem that way.

 

My ex wife was crazy as they come (diagnosed mental illnesses).

 

However, it seems the ones I'm attracted to physically, are short, crazy, in shape brunettes.

 

Nobody else does it for me physically. They just don't spark an interest.

 

There are probably examples of short, non crazy brunettes, but I don't run into any of those.

 

Why is Vogue interested in a short brunette?

[Phoe]

I think it's a bit lazy of you to blame your circumstances on "the culture". You don't let mass trends stop you in any other area - so why would you when it comes to love?

 

Indeed, LW, you strike me as the type who likes to march to the beat of their own drum.

 

So why let "hookup culture" dictate the way you date? It certainly has never had ANY influence on my dating life! Not my thing, so I don't let it be my thing.

 

It doesn't have to be your thing, if you don't want it to be.

[loveweary11]

Why is Vogue interested in a short brunette?

 

Her fashion style and beauty. Article was on fashionable women of SoBe.

 

How does this pertain to my problems again?

[elaine567]

Her fashion style and beauty. Article was on fashionable women of SoBe.

 

How does this pertain to my problems again?

 

It doesn't, just interested.

[loveweary11]

Indeed, LW, you strike me as the type who likes to march to the beat of their own drum.

 

So why let "hookup culture" dictate the way you date? It certainly has never had ANY influence on my dating life! Not my thing, so I don't let it be my thing.

 

It doesn't have to be your thing, if you don't want it to be.

 

Well, I am certainly a bit rusty in dating.

 

I seem to find women want sex instantly...and if you don't oblige, you're written off as gay, "not a man", a nice guy, etc.

 

So, in order to maximize your pool of potential good ones, you have to sleep with and "hang out" with a ton of ones you aren't sure about.

 

The trying clothes on in a dressing room analogy is pretty good, actually.

[jen1447]

I seem to find women want sex instantly...and if you don't oblige, you're written off as gay, "not a man", a nice guy, etc.

 

L-Dubs is quite right about that really, maybe not everywhere but it's distinctly common. And not just in the skanky part of town. /shrug/

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm going to give the translations that come up in my mind:

 

However, it seems the ones I'm attracted to physically, are short, crazy, in shape brunettes.

 

Nobody else does it for me physically. They just don't spark an interest.

To continue with the fast food analogy and the overweight guy (I always use food analogies with you ): "The only food I'm hungry for is big, greasy, and technicolor.

 

No other food arouses my taste buds. Just doesn't whet my appetite."

 

There are probably examples of short, non crazy brunettes, but I don't run into any of those.

"There are probably examples of small, non-greasy, non-technicolor meals, but I never come across them."

 

I'll keep looking, but you do have to wade into hookup culture to find people.

"I'll keep looking, but you do have to eat a lot of fast food meals to get to the real food."

 

After all, women pretty much expect goid sex second or 3rd date, so, sex comes before the rest.

"After all, meals want to be cooked fast and eaten in the car driving home, so eating greasy food has to come first."

 

I work with a few wedding planners as clients, so I see a lot of pictures of beautiful men and women getting married, all the time, all over the world. Most of them don't appear to have any depth to them, but maybe 5% of the couples appear to be truly in love. Of course I'm just going by pictures, but I get a pretty good sense even from those.

 

Anything good is a needle in a haystack. There are gems to be found (switching analogies here) - but treasure doesn't just fall into your lap. You have to hunt for it, and resist being distracted by the fakes.

 

Deep down, you know you're capable of finding the treasure you seek. You're distracting yourself with trinkets because you want to.

[writergal]

LoveWeary, you probably already know this about hookup culture, but it's only used by people who don't want to take the time to invest in serious, monogamous relationships with another person. Hookup culture is all about casual sex encounters without emotional intimacy.

 

If you truly want to be in a monogamous, emotionally intimate relationship with another woman then you will remove yourself as a participant in hookup culture permanently. You've been married before and you lived with a woman after that.

 

You need to figure out why you're so attracted to Yoga Chick. Is it loveor lustthat you feel around her? Don't confuse your physical, sexual attraction to Yoga Chick for actual love.

 

I don't think you are attracted to drama, as others have suggested here. I don't buy into that whole drama perspective anyway as I think it's total crap. I think you are just a confused man who was married once to a mentally ill woman, who is afraid of that happening again. So, participating in the hookup culture is easier than dealing with possibly the deep hurt and psychological scars you acquired during your marriage.

 

Time to confront those emotional scars and release yourself, so that you can attract the right kind of woman instead of women who use Tinder as their dating mainstay.

[loveweary11]

.

 

Anything good is a needle in a haystack. There are gems to be found (switching analogies here) - but treasure doesn't just fall into your lap. You have to hunt for it, and resist being distracted by the fakes.

 

Deep down, you know you're capable of finding the treasure you seek. You're distracting yourself with trinkets because you want to.

 

 

That was great! Loved the food analogies.

 

Let's extend the gem analogy....

 

Basically, I'm panning for gold. Hidden among all the rocks and fool's gold is a nice nugget somewhere. But... I do have to pan through all of it to come across a good one.

 

Or in food terms... there is most definitely an organic, local, nutritious meal out there, but it's hidden among all the big Macs.

 

Or... to put it in pseudo fairy tale form....

 

I have to boink a lot of frogs to find my princess. :lmao:

[Phoe]

Basically, I'm panning for gold. Hidden among all the rocks and fool's gold is a nice nugget somewhere. But... I do have to pan through all of it to come across a good one.

 

DO you have to aimlessly pan?

 

Or would you rather maximize your efforts and pan only in the best places? Be strategic, pan in places where you are most likely to find gold. Don't just pan anywhere and everywhere and take the fool's gold as a "well, it's inevitable than I'm gonna wade through piles of junk before I find the real gold" - you can minimize how much pyrite you find and maximize how much gold you find, by panning smart

 

I'd pan for gold in a nice, secluded, undisturbed river. I would not pan for gold in the dirt lot behind the pawn shop on main street. Because I know I won't find gold there!

[Phoe]

I have to boink a lot of frogs to find my princess. :lmao:

 

And I might be old-fashioned... but if I haven't already determined that a person could be a really great option for me, have the beginnings of a connection forming, the beginnings of trust, and an overall feel that this person is someone I want to keep spending time with, well... there won't be any boinking!

 

Heck, my boyfriend spent months getting me to warm up to him. Very patient. It's not for everyone, and certainly you would best know an appropriate timeline for yourself, but it doesn't necessarily have to be an instant "hook up NOW" sort of thing.

[loveweary11]

DO you have to aimlessly pan?

 

Or would you rather maximize your efforts and pan only in the best places? Be strategic, pan in places where you are most likely to find gold. Don't just pan anywhere and everywhere and take the fool's gold as a "well, it's inevitable than I'm gonna wade through piles of junk before I find the real gold" - you can minimize how much pyrite you find and maximize how much gold you find, by panning smart

 

I'd pan for gold in a nice, secluded, undisturbed river. I would not pan for gold in the dirt lot behind the pawn shop on main street. Because I know I won't find gold there!

 

 

 

Wow!!!!!!!

 

This is literally the ultimate extension of an analogy!!

 

Leave it to the CA girl who actually understands panning for gold to blow us all out of the water on an analogy.

 

Point well taken.

 

No idea where those perfect streams are, though.

 

Anyone have a prospector's map/guide they can loan me?

[loveweary11]

And I might be old-fashioned... but if I haven't already determined that a person could be a really great option for me, have the beginnings of a connection forming, the beginnings of trust, and an overall feel that this person is someone I want to keep spending time with, well... there won't be any boinking!

 

Heck, my boyfriend spent months getting me to warm up to him. Very patient. It's not for everyone, and certainly you would best know an appropriate timeline for yourself, but it doesn't necessarily have to be an instant "hook up NOW" sort of thing.

 

This could be a regional thing.

 

I'm expected to have my potentials screaming by like the second date.

 

I'd far prefer your way, but if I do that, it's just as Jen backed me up on. I'm basically not considered a man if I don't show girls a sexually good time... and fast.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you are just a confused man who was married once to a mentally ill woman, who is afraid of that happening again. So, participating in the hookup culture is easier than dealing with possibly the deep hurt and psychological scars you acquired during your marriage.

 

Time to confront those emotional scars and release yourself, so that you can attract the right kind of woman instead of women who use Tinder as their dating mainstay.

Bingo. For all your confidence, in love, I feel you are full of fear.

 

I admit, when my man first began speaking powerful words of love to me, then backing them up with powerful loving actions, at first it spooked me, and I fought against it a little. But he's a very patient man, and now I'm settling down, realizing I can't keep running away forever. Well, I can, but if I do, I'll be alone and sad, drifting further from the happy life I really want.

 

Truly loving someone is always risky, always uncertain. But the way I see it, it's what it's all about.

[writergal]

Wow!!!!!!!

 

This is literally the ultimate extension of an analogy!!

 

Leave it to the CA girl who actually understands panning for gold to blow us all out of the water on an analogy.

 

Point well taken.

 

No idea where those perfect streams are, though.

 

Anyone have a prospector's map/guide they can loan me?

 

Life is a maze and love is a riddle.

 

Decide what you want. Make the necessary changes to manifest it. If you want a monogamous relationship with a woman, stop hooking up and start actually dating one-on-one.