I have done something stupid

[Blobfather]

So I am in a LDR with a girl. So she texted me and was very upset as she was very stressed, she said she would text me the next day. I texted her the next day to check if she was ok but she didn't respond. So I waited and then texted and called her after another two days. She ignored my call and I could see she had been online but had not read my messages. So after another three days I messaged her again asking why she was ignoring me and that I was a little confused. I then sent her a text saying that if she didn't want to talk to me anymore she could just say and I didn't understand. (she had been online everyday for the whole week).

 

So she responded back today (total of seven days without messaging me) saying she had been really busy with work, and she was upset with the messages I had sent her. I think I have ruined everything because of my stupidity. I have apologised and explained myself but I thin I have messed everything up.

[LoveRefreshed]

spent a year in an LDR. There really is no excuse that in 7 days, she could not respond before hand... Unless you guys are normal to seven days without any communication, but that much time between talking (and for me, visting was not an option) what kind of relationship can you possible hope to grow?

[Blobfather]

We normally communicate every day. She is currently setting up a charity and I know she has a lot of work to do, if she had just said that, a simple message to say won't be able to talk to this week, I would have been totally fine.

 

 

The problem is I jumped to the conclusion that she was disappearing without saying a word. I think she was offended by that.

 

 

I have sent an apology and explained myself, but guess what. No reply.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is totally backwards. You don't need to apologize for anything! She is being a jerk and acting strange by not communicating with you. Why do you think you have messed up? If anything, she has. A normal, healthy relationship is based on good communication. All you did was demonstrate concern and I feel you had every right to ask her why she was ignoring you. And she gets angry at this? That makes zero sense.

 

Stop apologizing and explaining yourself, and start asking yourself if you really want to be a with a woman who ignores you for several days and then lashes out when you call her out on it. There's no mutual respect here. She is being incredibly immature, in my opinion.

 

How old are you both? And have you met in person?

[Blobfather]

We have never met in person, which I know I silly but we planning to in the two months. I just felt I was being too clingy so that is why I apologised. She is 27 I am 29. I never really planned for this LDR thing to happen, but it just kind of developed and now I am attached.

 

 

I suppose I feel stupid for not controlling my self. She said I should have understood that she was busy, but I am not a mind reader.

 

 

I think what really frustrated me was the fact that I was trying quite hard to contact her and she was ignoring me.

Edited July 25, 2015 by Blobfather

[RoseVille]

We normally communicate every day. She is currently setting up a charity and I know she has a lot of work to do, if she had just said that, a simple message to say won't be able to talk to this week, I would have been totally fine.

 

 

The problem is I jumped to the conclusion that she was disappearing without saying a word. I think she was offended by that.

 

I think your conclusion and question was a fair one. You went from talking every day, to silence despite your repeated attempts to get in touch.

 

It takes all but a few seconds to respond back with something as simple as, "so sorry, really busy! I'll be in touch on X day when this slows down! xo"

 

Don't accept her turning this back around on you.

 

We have never met in person, which I know I silly but we planning to in the two months. I just felt I was being too clingy so that is why I apologised. She is 27 I am 29. I never really planned for this LDR thing to happen, but it just kind of developed and now I am attached.

 

 

I suppose I feel stupid for not controlling my self. She said I should have understood that she was busy, but I am not a mind reader.

 

 

I think what really frustrated me was the fact that I was trying quite hard to contact her and she was ignoring me.

 

You did nothing wrong.

 

But the fact that you haven't met yet adds another layer here. I don't want to rock the boat for you anymore than it's already swaying, but I bet you she's met someone local.

Edited July 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[CarrieT]

We have never met in person, which I know I silly but we planning to in the two months. I just felt I was being too clingy so that is why I apologised. She is 27 I am 29. I never really planned for this LDR thing to happen, but it just kind of developed and now I am attached.

 

You need to take a HUGE step back.

 

You are attached to a phantom - not a real person. Until you actually meet, all bets are off and it is not a real relationship.

 

You know lots of things about this girl (possibly) but there is so much you don't know and can't know until you spend time with each other. In the meantime, your mind fills in and fantasizes what you want and how you want it to be. 99% of the time, it is NEVER the way you are imagining it and most of these types of relationships don't survive.

 

I was one who built a LDR and when we did get together, it was fabulous for a very short time. We were able to float on those creations we had built about each other but it ultimately failed when we realized we were not who each other had imagined.

 

The fact that she pulled back for a week might be the thing you need to pull back and realize that you can't build a relationship without being in each others' presence. Her not talking for a week is game-playing on her part and - yes - she should apologize whole-heartedly. I seriously doubt she wants what you want; otherwise she would have talked to you sooner.

 

Be kind to yourself. Considering dating someone you can actually meet.

[Blobfather]

All really good advice guys, much appreciated. So she did text and say she should have let me know what she was doing and that she would be really busy working all day and moving house. She said she felt terrible about it. But saying the messages I sent her she doesn't know what to think of them. I didn't say anything offensive, just that I couldn't understand why she was ignoring me and that if she didn't want to talk to me anymore she could at least be honest about it. That was after I texted a few nice and concerning messages over a number of days.

 

 

The frustrating thing was she was on whatsapp and I called and she didn't answer. So I knew she was seeing my call. That added fuel to the fire.

[GemmaUK]

You haven't yet met so you are not in a relationship.

 

Did you text and text or did you text and accuse her of XY and Z?.

 

Either is bad but also her not getting in touch at all for 7 days is bad if you are meant to be in a relationship.

 

This isn't a relationship buddy.

I'm sorry but you're better off moving on.

[Blobfather]

If she has met someone else, why not just be honest about it? The thing I hate is being in limbo. If she says she doesn't want to talk or carry on anymore then I will accept and draw a line under everything.

[Blobfather]

I texted her a few messages that were nice and asking if she was ok, regarding her being so upset the last time I spoke to her. To be honest this all started because I was actually concerned about her. Plus these texts were spread out over a number of days.

 

 

it was only after 6 days and after she had blatantly ignored my phone call that I sent her a message saying I was confused and that if she didn't want to talk anymore to just say.

 

 

It doesn't take long to send a simple text. I don't expect her to answer texts straight away or to even talk to me a lot if she is busy.

Edited July 25, 2015 by Blobfather

[CarrieT]

It doesn't take long to send a simple text. I don't expect her to answer texts straight away or to even talk to me a lot if she is busy.

 

She is being passive-aggressive.

 

Why waste your time with a game-player? Stop communicating with HER and move on...

[Perrier]

We have never met in person, which I know I silly but we planning to in the two months. I just felt I was being too clingy so that is why I apologised. She is 27 I am 29. I never really planned for this LDR thing to happen, but it just kind of developed and now I am attached.

 

I think what really frustrated me was the fact that I was trying quite hard to contact her and she was ignoring me.

 

Oh dear, this is what happens in fantasy relationships. I've lost count of the different threads where OP is fretting, fuming, upset, angry etc. until it transpires they're in a 'relationship' in which they've never met - which is the answer.

 

In some cases, it's been digital only - no Skype or phone call to hear each other's voice. Sometimes they're not sure what the other party looks like .

 

OP I note you've been texting and texting. Any other communication means? Have you heard her voice / seen a pic/ Skyped?

 

You are in not in a relationship of any kind.

[ppo88201]

Im gay and have the same thing going on with a guy I have been hanging out with. It sounds like she is playing a game and enjoys the chase, the drama, and conflict. You did nothing wrong but try and be nice, and communicate normal with someone you are interested in. She is the one with the problem, not you.

[Blobfather]

Yes we have spoken, we are friends on facebook and have messaged on there too, I have seen her charity website. So I know she is who she says she is. Trust me I had the same doubts you are will thinking to begin with and I made sure I confirmed she was real and legit before allowing anything to develop.

[ExpatInItaly]

You sure she's actually single, OP?

 

Sounds like she has another guy. She might not have been single when you met either. Do not consider a stranger your girlfriend. You don't know her. This is unhealthy on so many levels, my friend.

[katiegrl]

You sure she's actually single, OP?

 

Sounds like she has another guy.

 

**She might not have been single when you met either.***

 

Do not consider a stranger your girlfriend. You don't know her. This is unhealthy on so many levels, my friend.

 

They've never met....

[fitnessfan365]

She lost interest and that's why she went silent. Then when you called her out on her behavior, she wanted to end things guilt free by turning it around on you. It's a very classic form of manipulation. Stick to your original instincts and stop apologizing. Put the blame where it belongs - on her.

 

BTW - I'm hoping that you learn from your mistakes and only invest in women you actually meet in person and spend time with.

[moys]

Honestly, she's just not as invested in this relationship as you. I get pretty busy and my partner gets very busy at times. However, we make it a point to reassure each other and communicate with each other when we are busy, even if it's just a short text message or phone call like, "hey, I've been busy, I love you".

 

Since you've never met, I agree with other people here that you can't really tell if it's real and legit.

 

Also, it doesn't seem you have any direction or goals set in the relationship. Communication for me and my partner is about building the relationship so that when we move in together, we have a strong foundation. That's why we are consistent with it, we agreed upon this.

 

Just leave her alone and see what happens. You shouldn't feel bad for trying to contact her.

[spiderowl]

'Fraid she probably just lost interest. There is no reason why someone who was keen on pursuing a relationship would fail to text or something in that time. You haven't ruined anything; there wasn't a relationship in the first place. She just opted out. No point wasting your time on someone who is not responding within a reasonable period of time.

[justwhoiam]

she texted me and was very upset as she was very stressed, she said she would text me the next day

I'll translate this for you: she didn't want to talk to you.

 

I texted her the next day to check if she was ok

I think this was your first mistake. She said she would text. You had to wait for her to reach out to you.

 

then texted and called her after another two days

You did the right thing. She didn't keep her word. SHE had to justify herself or apologize, not you. Also, guess if anything bad had happened to her and you'd had gone on with your life as usual... so bad. I mean, if she WERE your girlfriend, that shouldn't happen. But like others pointed out, she's not. She's someone you talk to online, and nothing more. For now. And by the look of it, it's not promising either.

 

she had been online everyday for the whole week

Being online is no proof of anything. Did she share anything on whatsapp that you know of? Did she post anything on FB? Do you have proof of any activity? If you do, you shouldn't tolerate that. A girl in love would never act that way. So I'd say she might enjoy your "online" company, but when it suits her. She wants to be in control of when that happens, and she might have other "relationships" or preferential channels. If that's the case, she's not willing to stop the other channels. You might not be the one. You might be one of several (or many). It's quite common, for virtual relationships. And you can often tell because the other person disappears for days, has some kind of emergency resulting in fading out, going MIA, etc.

 

So she responded back today (total of seven days without messaging me) saying she had been really busy with work

That's BS, you know, don't you? The other posters here on LS already pointed that out. Someone in love would never act that way.

 

she was upset with the messages I had sent her

Now, she was already upset, before going silent on you. Remember? So something was wrong before. And you should know why (we don't).

 

I think I have ruined everything because of my stupidity. I have apologised and explained myself

Yeah, I guess apologizing was stupid. I mean, maybe you had something to apologize for, since she was upset before going MIA, but not for checking up on her.

 

Draw back now. You need to set standards, or she won't respect you anymore, and you can expect worse than this.

[Blobfather]

Thanks for all your input guys. Much appreciated.

 

 

So we had a chat. I think really she is on a different page to me in terms of what we are. I have definatly let myself get too involved in this whole thing when I should be just playing it cool.

 

 

So she does still want to meet and see how things go from there. She assured me that there is no one else in picture. So I will meet her in the next month probably, the sooner the better and see what happens in real life.

 

 

I just really feel like I messed up with my insecurities. I kind of feel that this will make things awkward between us from now on, especially as we haven't even met.

 

 

So I also asked her to be honest if she didn't want to continue talking and to meet up. I assured her that I would accept it if that was the case. She assured me that I would be the first to know if she was feeling anything like that.

Edited July 26, 2015 by Blobfather

[Lois_Griffin]

Thanks for all your input guys. Much appreciated.

 

 

So we had a chat. I think really she is on a different page to me in terms of what we are. I have definatly let myself get too involved in this whole thing when I should be just playing it cool.

 

 

So she does still want to meet and see how things go from there. She assured me that there is no one else in picture. So I will meet her in the next month probably, the sooner the better and see what happens in real life.

 

 

I just really feel like I messed up with my insecurities. I kind of feel that this will make things awkward between us from now on, especially as we haven't even met.

 

 

So I also asked her to be honest if she didn't want to continue talking and to meet up. I assured her that I would accept it if that was the case. She assured me that I would be the first to know if she was feeling anything like that.

I'll be surprised if the face to face meeting actually occurs. It sounds as though she was conveniently trying to 'break up' with you as the day to meet was looming closer. I still think she's hiding something.

[Perrier]

Thanks for all your input guys. Much appreciated.

 

So I also asked her to be honest if she didn't want to continue talking and to meet up. I assured her that I would accept it if that was the case. She assured me that I would be the first to know if she was feeling anything like that.

 

This line doesn't sit well with me. When someone tells me 'you will be the first to know' they have already told me has ended there.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for all your input guys. Much appreciated.

 

 

So we had a chat. I think really she is on a different page to me in terms of what we are. I have definatly let myself get too involved in this whole thing when I should be just playing it cool.

 

 

So she does still want to meet and see how things go from there. She assured me that there is no one else in picture. So I will meet her in the next month probably, the sooner the better and see what happens in real life.

 

 

I just really feel like I messed up with my insecurities. I kind of feel that this will make things awkward between us from now on, especially as we haven't even met.

 

 

So I also asked her to be honest if she didn't want to continue talking and to meet up. I assured her that I would accept it if that was the case. She assured me that I would be the first to know if she was feeling anything like that.

 

What makes you say so? I ask because in your first post, you stated you were in a LDR with this girl. I agree you got ahead of yourself given that you haven't met, but what did she say during this chat that clarified that she's not the same page as you?

 

I wouldn't hold your breath for a meet-up, and I don't think it's all down to your insecurities. She's purposely putting some distance between you, and I think she was using your messages as an excuse to do so.