I smelled sex on my husband

[Vapors]

I apologize for the thread title, and warn that this may be a bit graphic for some, as well as long.

 

A couple of days ago, my husband left the house, taking our two boys with him, to pick up some gardening dirt and stop by his mother's house. He returned a few hours later, saying that he had ended up stopping by a male friends house, and since his friend's roommate had some children over, he just stayed and let the boys play. He never ended up going to his mothers, because he "got on the freeway by accident", and he brought no dirt back with him. I thought nothing of it, I trusted him.

 

Soon after he returned, the boys left to go on a weekend camping trip, and we repaired to the bedroom for some intimate time. We have a very active sex life, at least once, and often twice a day. As I was preparing to give him oral, I noticed the overwhelming scent of vagina all over his penis. Though much stronger than my usual smell, I assumed it was from our lovemaking the night before. I remarked to him that he must not have showered that morning, and that he smelled strongly of vagina. He didn't contradict me, just said three times "that's your smell on me". We continued on, and I noticed that he lasted far longer than is usual for him. He was also freshly "manscaped", which is not something he does on a regular basis. As we were laying together afterward, it hit me like a bat to the head: I distinctly remembered him showering before he left that morning. My heart started pounding, and it took everything I had not to jump up and demand to know why he reeked of sex within hours of a shower. However, I doubted myself, and knew without proof he would just deny it.

 

He has recently gotten in touch with an old high school girlfriend, with whom he had a son 25 years ago. She took the boy to another country when he was three, and my husband didn't see him again until very recently. I have tried to be understanding of the fact that he might need to talk to her about their son, and what happened during the years he missed, etc. At the same time, his son is now 25 years old, and more than capable of answering questions himself. I did very very briefly snoop in my husbands texts last night, and though there were pages and pages of texts between my husband and this woman, there was nothing incriminating surrounding the day he came home with "the odor".

 

So those are all the things that raise my suspicions. The things that are making me doubt he did anything are - he took two of our kids with him that day. If he was planning a tryst, wouldn't he have left them at home? Also, what kind of moron would sleep with another woman, not wash, and then come home and encourage his wife to stick her nose down there?

 

I just don't know what to do or think. I have a lump in my throat that won't go away, I have no appetite, I can't relax. I can't get this out of my mind. I just want to know.

[minimariah]

how old are your sons...?

 

can you sit down with them and slowly & very gently try to find out where were they with their father...? not in the interrogation type of way... but more like - so did you guys have fun with dad, did you do something fun or went to any fun places...?

 

ask the kids where were they. they'll tell you.

 

other than that - how long have you been married? what is your marriage like?

Edited July 25, 2015 by minimariah

[Mr. Lucky]

As we were laying together afterward, it hit me like a bat to the head: I distinctly remembered him showering before he left that morning.

 

I've seen my son come home from a workout, take a shower and come out smelling like he just walked in from the gym. Unless you take the time to soap up and wash down certain odoriferous areas, the scent is going to remain. Just standing under running water isn't going to do it.

 

Unless and until this is part of a pattern, I wouldn't stress...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm of the camp that says if you suspect something, there's a reason.

 

In any event, you might hold off on the sex until further things come to light. While the odor may be the most physical element of your story, I think the other things are just as pungent and deserve attention.

 

[Phoe]

I'm never one to jump to extreme conclusions either which way when it comes to cheating... I always condone levelheadedness, and gathering information before doing anything rash.

 

That being said, the smell factor is a very difficult one to get over. I've been there. A man from my past came by late at night after a night at the bar. I went to give him a blowjob, and just as I'd started, I noticed a VERY distinct taste and smell. Now, I've never smelled or tasted any vagina but my own... but it was so very similar. Unmistakeable. I knew he had had sex with someone that night

 

I instantly felt sick and shocked, I pulled away. Of course, all questions I had for him (posed in a very calm manner), had him calling me psycho, insane, ridiculous, stupid, etc.

 

Fast forward to the future, yes, he cheated on me MANY times with at least 3 women that I know of.

 

Be calm, but don't write it off. Keep your wits about you.

[jen1447]

 

Soon after he returned, the boys left to go on a weekend camping trip, and we repaired to the bedroom for some intimate time. We have a very active sex life, at least once, and often twice a day. As I was preparing to give him oral, I noticed the overwhelming scent of vagina all over his penis. Though much stronger than my usual smell, I assumed it was from our lovemaking the night before. I remarked to him that he must not have showered that morning, and that he smelled strongly of vagina. He didn't contradict me, just said three times "that's your smell on me". We continued on, and I noticed that he lasted far longer than is usual for him. He was also freshly "manscaped", which is not something he does on a regular basis. As we were laying together afterward, it hit me like a bat to the head: I distinctly remembered him showering before he left that morning. My heart started pounding, and it took everything I had not to jump up and demand to know why he reeked of sex within hours of a shower. However, I doubted myself, and knew without proof he would just deny it.

 

Could you tell it wasn't your scent/flavor?

Edited July 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Reduce quote

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Assume he did. You can't prove anything though. Pretend that everything is OK & you're not suspicious. Start monitoring him. Get a GPS phone or tracker & stash it in his car. Stash VAR in strategic places. If he's careless enough to come home smelling like fresh skank, he'll slip up again.

[sandylee1]

I'd try and get the info from your sons, but I wonder if they'll have forgotten after summer camp. He could have dropped the kids of to play, then slipped away. Kids get so easily distracted.

 

How far from his friends house does she live?

What's this male friend of your husband like? Is he the kind of person who would cover for him?

 

I do find it very odd that he didn't get the dirt or visit his mother. Surely he would have headed to one of those places first?

 

A VAR in his car will be a good start to find out what's going on and to gather evidence.

[CarrieT]

I'm going to disagree with Mr. Lucky on this one and would go into silent investigative mode:

 

1. Install a Voice-Activated Recorder in his car (where most people have private telephone conversations).

 

2. Install a key-logger on the computer (to see who he is emailing).

 

3. Look into the phone bill to see if his texting has increased and google how to install spy apps on his phone to read those messages.

 

All the while, maintain a radio silence about your suspicions and document everything/anything you might find. When you confronted him before, he did what all cheaters do: Deflect it back to you. Research "gas lighting" - where a cheater or liar makes the victim believe they are imagining things.

[Methodical]

People get busy and their minds wander, which can lead to distractions but getting on the freeway by accident and going to a friend's house for hours sounds far fetched. Essentially he left the house to go to his mother's and get dirt, neither of which he did.

 

I'm not a huge advocate of dragging kids into the equation, but I don't see the harm in asking if they had fun playing with the children at his friend's house. (Not sure they'll remember much after a week at camp.) I'm guessing the roommate has at least one child and invited some of his/her friends over? How well do you know this friend? The roommate? Is it on par for this roommate to invite other children over?

 

You mentioned the odor and he told you three times the scent was yours. Once should have sufficed, but he wanted to hammer home his position. He's gonna deny any wrongdoing and for the time being he will probably be on alert and try to cover his tracks more thoroughly, if he is guilty.

 

Having an active sex life doesn't guarantee he won't cheat. Also, when you are extremely active, you do notice irregularities and inconsistencies. In your shoes, I'd up my bullsh*t meter. I'm a firm believer that alarm bell don't ring for no reason unless you are an extremely paranoid person by nature and from what you have stated, I don't get that vibe.

[BetrayedH]

Listen to Carrie. Stop confronting. Play stupid and compliant. Go into investigative mode.

 

I'd suggest a thorough check of the phone bill. Compare the texts on his phone to the bill. Look for deleted texts. Look for frequent numbers that you don't know. Check his internet history and indexed searches. Check financial statements. Of course, check the phone thoroughly (texts, other message apps, internet history - for things like Yahoo or gmail). That's most of the free stuff.

 

A VAR (voice activated recorder) placed with velcro under the steering column is wise, as others have said. Personally, I caught my wife by placing a GPS in her car. Caught her at a hotel the first time I used it.

 

There's also spyware apps like keyloggers for the computer and phone that record every keystroke. Or software that can retrieve deleted messages.

 

But confronting accomplishes NOTHING but to notify them to cool off for a while and take things further underground.

 

You don't have to convince them that they are cheating; you only have to convince yourself.

[Vapors]

God I wish I would've been able to get back online and read these responses earlier. I'm afraid I've messed up badly, now.

 

Our kids are turning 5 and 11 shortly. I have thought of asking them a few questions when they return tomorrow night, but I don't know how reliable the 5 y/o's answers will be after 4 days, and I'm afraid my husband may have coached the older boy to back him up. He is a daddy's boy all the way, and I have not the slightest doubt he would lie if his father asked him to. All the same, I think I will at least give it a try.

 

The friend's house he went to just so happens to be an old high school chum of my husband's ex. It is not at all out of the realm of possibility that they might arrange to meet at his house. Also, her and her son live in a city three hours away from us, and earlier today my husband mentioned he might go down there tomorrow. When I asked if we would drive, he said he was planning on going with his brother. Without me. He has NEVER wanted to take a trip without me, never. This set the alarm bells ringing in my head. He followed me around coming up with all kinds of reasons why he should go without me.

 

The odor that I smelled on him was different than my smell. And very, very strong. Just as an experiment, last night I went down on him again, knowing that we had made love the night before, and that he had showered in the morning, the same scenario as before. I wanted to see if I could smell anything from our encounter the night before. Nothing. Not a trace. So I cannot believe what I was smelling that day was "leftovers" from the night before.

 

So here is where I've messed up. After he told me about his upcoming trip, I had to leave for work. I felt like I was having a panic attack: I couldn't feel my fingertips, my heart was beating out of my chest. So I called and confronted him. With no solid evidence. Not only did he deny it, he is making me feel like a terrible person for even suggesting that such a thing might be possible. He keeps saying he trusts me 100%, that he would never doubt me, how dare I not trust him the same way. I'm a little surprised at the vehemence of his reaction. Does this "how dare you, you've broken my heart" act sound familiar to any BS on here? Or does this mean he might be telling the truth? I'm starting to feel like I might be crazy, and imagining or over reacting to this whole thing. I don't know what to do. I left work, and now I'm sitting in my car in a grocery store parking lot. I don't even want to go home.

[CarrieT]

He's going on a trip - best time to install a voice-activated recorder in the car (assuming he is driving).

 

As Betrayed said, look closely at phone records. Track his phone location.

 

Post here often - we are here to listen and offer advice. You are not alone.

[m.snow]

yes buy a VAR place it in his car. try to research best places to hide it.

[dreamingoftigers]

God I wish I would've been able to get back online and read these responses earlier. I'm afraid I've messed up badly, now.

 

Our kids are turning 5 and 11 shortly. I have thought of asking them a few questions when they return tomorrow night, but I don't know how reliable the 5 y/o's answers will be after 4 days, and I'm afraid my husband may have coached the older boy to back him up. He is a daddy's boy all the way, and I have not the slightest doubt he would lie if his father asked him to. All the same, I think I will at least give it a try.

 

The friend's house he went to just so happens to be an old high school chum of my husband's ex. It is not at all out of the realm of possibility that they might arrange to meet at his house. Also, her and her son live in a city three hours away from us, and earlier today my husband mentioned he might go down there tomorrow. When I asked if we would drive, he said he was planning on going with his brother. Without me. He has NEVER wanted to take a trip without me, never. This set the alarm bells ringing in my head. He followed me around coming up with all kinds of reasons why he should go without me.

 

The odor that I smelled on him was different than my smell. And very, very strong. Just as an experiment, last night I went down on him again, knowing that we had made love the night before, and that he had showered in the morning, the same scenario as before. I wanted to see if I could smell anything from our encounter the night before. Nothing. Not a trace. So I cannot believe what I was smelling that day was "leftovers" from the night before.

 

So here is where I've messed up. After he told me about his upcoming trip, I had to leave for work. I felt like I was having a panic attack: I couldn't feel my fingertips, my heart was beating out of my chest. So I called and confronted him. With no solid evidence. Not only did he deny it, he is making me feel like a terrible person for even suggesting that such a thing might be possible. He keeps saying he trusts me 100%, that he would never doubt me, how dare I not trust him the same way. I'm a little surprised at the vehemence of his reaction. Does this "how dare you, you've broken my heart" act sound familiar to any BS on here? Or does this mean he might be telling the truth? I'm starting to feel like I might be crazy, and imagining or over reacting to this whole thing. I don't know what to do. I left work, and now I'm sitting in my car in a grocery store parking lot. I don't even want to go home.

 

Welcome to the Betrayed Spouse Club.

 

 

The betrayal doesn't start and end with the sex. It continues with the guilting and manipulation.

 

 

If he had come to you and said "I think that xyz is happening with zyx" wouldn't you be doing everything to reassure your spouse and make things as transparent as possible instead of feeding them excuses and guilt-tripping them for having doubts?

 

 

Get a VAR and GPS. etc etc etc.

 

 

You can even hook up his phone in a way that behaves as though it is a recording microphone even if he is not making a call on it.

 

 

Do it yesterday.

 

 

Something smells fishy here, and it isn't just his penis.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You gotta get yourself under control. Most likely he's cheating with his ex. Your job is be cool & find out for sure. Personally I don't think you're in the right frame of mind. You may want to hire a PI. This is the perfect time. If he's cheating in another town & you're away, he's gonna be sloppy. All a PI has to do is GPS the car & see where he goes and with whom. Good luck & please stop confronting him without solid evidence.

[whichwayisup]

Did he ever tell you that he's in contact (texting) with his ex? There's no reason why they should be texting so much. Red flag. Suspicious that he wants to go away without you and has given you many excuses/reasons as to why he wants to go alone. Red flag.

 

So I called and confronted him. With no solid evidence. Not only did he deny it, he is making me feel like a terrible person for even suggesting that such a thing might be possible. He keeps saying he trusts me 100%, that he would never doubt me, how dare I not trust him the same way. I'm a little surprised at the vehemence of his reaction. Does this "how dare you, you've broken my heart" act sound familiar to any BS on here? Or does this mean he might be telling the truth? I'm starting to feel like I might be crazy, and imagining or over reacting to this whole thing. I don't know what to do. I left work, and now I'm sitting in my car in a grocery store parking lot. I don't even want to go home.

 

His reaction is concerning. If he had nothing to hide, did nothing wrong then why such a strong negative reaction? Why get angry? Why not be calm, tell you he loves you, make you feel secure? Even show you his phone etc.. Instead he made YOU feel like sh.t for doubting him. Something is off and your gut knows it too.

[elaine567]

So here is where I've messed up. After he told me about his upcoming trip, I had to leave for work. I felt like I was having a panic attack: I couldn't feel my fingertips, my heart was beating out of my chest. So I called and confronted him. With no solid evidence. Not only did he deny it, he is making me feel like a terrible person for even suggesting that such a thing might be possible. He keeps saying he trusts me 100%, that he would never doubt me, how dare I not trust him the same way. I'm a little surprised at the vehemence of his reaction. Does this "how dare you, you've broken my heart" act sound familiar to any BS on here? Or does this mean he might be telling the truth? I'm starting to feel like I might be crazy, and imagining or over reacting to this whole thing. I don't know what to do. I left work, and now I'm sitting in my car in a grocery store parking lot. I don't even want to go home.

 

Gaslighting - The Fine Art of Making You Believe You're Crazy - ChumpLady.com

[elaine567]

YOU have to play him at his own game.

Make it seem like you believe him, then start looking for evidence.

YOU have unfortunately alerted him, so he will want to lie low, but if you act normal as if you believe him, he may get confident again and he may slip up, but his time you will be waiting for him.

Can you afford a PI, if you can, then get one. He/she will give you the answers you need here.

[turnera]

Not only did he deny it, he is making me feel like a terrible person for even suggesting that such a thing might be possible. He keeps saying he trusts me 100%, that he would never doubt me, how dare I not trust him the same way. I'm a little surprised at the vehemence of his reaction. Does this "how dare you, you've broken my heart" act sound familiar to any BS on here?

This is EXACTLY the way cheaters handle it. Hundreds of betrayed wives on here have been told 'you're being ridiculous, how dare you, what's wrong with you...' - all to get the BW to back off and stop asking questions. It's call gaslighting. Standard fare for cheaters.

 

Now, shut up and investigate. I'll bet money they're screwing. Do you have a friend you can ask to follow him to see who he meets up with, with a camera? If not, hire a PI to do it.

[jen1447]

It's generally not a good idea to play amateur PI on anything but really basic stuff. Forex DON'T install VARs or do any other type of covert audio recording without knowing first if it's legal where you live. In the US, it's a felony in many states. Professional investigators will know those types of things and be generally well-versed in the law.

 

It's impossible for any of us to say what's really going on, but suffice it to say, vehement denials and blame shifting are common tools used by guilty ppl when they're accused of something.

[Arieswoman]

Vapors,

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

The cheating POS that was my exH said, when I challenged him without proof, "The way you're talking is starting to kill my love for you".

 

It was standard "gaslighting" technique.

 

In actual fact he had been checking out of the marriage for some months beforehand.

 

Stay cool, act soft and take advice from the smart people on this forum. x

[minimariah]

It's generally not a good idea to play amateur PI on anything but really basic stuff. Forex DON'T install VARs or do any other type of covert audio recording without knowing first if it's legal where you live. In the US, it's a felony in many states. Professional investigators will know those types of things and be generally well-versed in the law.

 

It's impossible for any of us to say what's really going on, but suffice it to say, vehement denials and blame shifting are common tools used by guilty ppl when they're accused of something.

 

^^

 

OP - if you can afford... hire a PI. protect yourself & IF you get some kind of proof of his cheating...? do not disclose HOW you got it to your H. always protect yourself, at all times.

 

ask your kids about that week & see what they say -- you'll know if they're lying to you. be careful! don't guilt trip them, be very gentle. just ask them some questions as casually as you possibly can... totally relaxed, no accusations or suspicious tone.

 

let him go on this trip alone. i think it's a perfect opportunity for you to see what's going on. if you really want to "play" this game - apologize to him, tell him that you trust him and love him and that you were wrong. go underground with your suspicions & watch him closely. and carefully & see what comes up.

 

good luck, OP! i'm so sorry you're even going through this.

[oldshirt]

Agree with the others. Pretend you but his story completely and go under cover.

 

Since you have probable cause to believe he is making a trip to see the OW, this is an instance I would recommend hiring a PI or come up with some kind of way to have him followed.

 

I would also do the the VAR and a GPS tracker in the car. He will undoubtedly call the OW from the car at some point.

 

I wouldn't worry about the legalities of VARs. No prosecutor is going to pursue charges against a wife seeing if her husband is cheating. And it's not like you will be using it as evidence in a criminal case so it won't matter if it is admissible in court or not.

 

The only way the legal issues will matter is if you live in a "fault" state and can use evidence of infidelity as a means to get a bigger settlement or to pursue charges against the OW. If you are in a no fault state and aren't pursuing any king of "alienation of affections" charges against OW, then it won't likely matter.

[66Charger]

Lets be honest, the smell of vagina is very distinct. No food or beverage comes close. If you are 100% positive that he showered and you did not have sex after, you have your answer. Coming home with the smell of perfume, lipstick on your collar could have a valid explanation, but smelling like pussy? Sorry, big slip up.

Edited July 26, 2015 by 66Charger