I smelled sex on my husband

[Southern Sun]

As much as we would like to be able to think we can trust our sense of smell, etc., enough to just KNOW...in the face of a spouse with a very convincing act, and a marriage that has been generally good, active sex life...that is just very tough. It is easy for the 'potentially' betrayed spouse to question themselves.

 

I would, in her position, most definitely need the smoking gun - whether in the form of a confession or proof via a recording, text messages, something caught on keystroke tracking, PI, GPS, anything. VAR is probably the cheapest and most likely to catch something quickly. And it's obvious that IF he is guilty, he is not going to admit it without evidence.

 

Ugh, this is horrible. I find that the suddenly cancelled trip is VERY questionable.

 

Vapors, I hope we are wrong, but please do your homework. You will be VERY happy to discover (FOR CERTAIN) if we are wrong...don't feel guilty doing what you need to. I have no doubt your husband would do the same in your shoes! And if you confirm that we are right, you needed to do that as well. You are already past the point of no return. You have to get the information.

[Rockdad]

Although it's been suggested to ask the kids some questions I personally would say...Please don't involve the children.

[sandylee1]

First of all, this thread is about the OP's marriage.

Second, she has not mentioned at all that they have a sexless marriage. In fact, she had her mouth right next to his....when she noticed because she was about to have sex.

 

OP, I hope you are quietly investigating.

 

Autumn,

I think Phoenician was saying he can't understand why the OPs husband is cheating as they have an active sex life. I don't think it's an attempt to t/j.

[RoseVille]

Autumn,

I think Phoenician was saying he can't understand why the OPs husband is cheating as they have an active sex life. I don't think it's an attempt to t/j.

 

As we've seen millions of times here though, MM with active sex lives cheat all the time.

[the_artist_1970]

I cannot express how grateful I am for this forum. I don't think I've ever gone through something that feels so isolating: I don't want to talk to my friends/family IRL about all this, because there is a chance (however slight) that I am wrong. I don't want to poison the people that love me against my husband unless I am 100% sure, proof in hand. So thank you, all of you, for making me feel less alone.

 

I am following the advice of many of you, and pretending that I was wrong for making such a horrible accusation against him, and asking his forgiveness for doubting him. He really raked me over the coals last night, it was awful. Asking me to tell him how he failed as a man and husband for me to ever believe he could do something like that, telling me he feels empty and broken, unlovable. Telling me that me even asking him something like that was "a red flag", and that me not trusting him is such a monstrous betrayal that it could even make him consider ending his marriage. On and on and on. By the time he was through with me I felt one inch tall, like a horrible wife who let her insecurities run away with her. Like I had truly wronged the one person who loved me unconditionally. Then I got on here and read some of the responses, and started thinking. How would I have reacted if I were innocent and he made that accusation against me? Not the way he did. I would have been bewildered, sure, but I also would have been empathetic and tried to understand what he was going through. I would have offered him my phone to look through, and opened up my Facebook and email to prove I had nothing to hide. Not because an innocent person should have the burden of proving his or herself faithful, but because when you love someone you do all you can to make them feel secure in their weakest moments. He did none of this for me. Instead, he raged at me, guilted me, and made me feel like I had made a huge mistake, done something unforgivable.

 

Today he is being incredibly sweet and loving. Constantly telling me how much I mean to him, how he would be nothing without me. Holding me and kissing me and generally being the model husband.

 

I don't know whether or not he slept with someone else. My gut says he did. If so, it would make last nights performance reprehensible beyond imagining. I have purchased software that will allow me to read his text messages. I will also be getting a VAR for his car. If I am wrong, then I will have to live with the guilt I'll feel for maligning an innocent man. But I would rather be wrong and KNOW it than live in this twilight forever.

 

Vapors, take this from someone who has BTDT and experience the "smell" of another woman's xxx on her DH. I remember that awful day and almost gag when I think about it now. I wish I had LS back then because it took me another four months of going crazy and my DH gaslighting me before I found out the truth. Your M is like mine in that you and your DH have a very active sex life and who would have thought that he has any time for another woman??? I remember seducing my DH and going down and that awful smell (yuck!!!). Like you I have never been with a woman but I know the smell of a va-jay-jay and I knew it wasn't mine. You feel like your entire world is closing in on you, you can't believe that your beautiful, wonderful husband who treats you like a queen could do this - but believe me, trust your sense of smell and your intuition and continue to dig until you find out the absolute truth about your DH and your M. The best way is cell phone records. Why would your DH be calling his 25 year old son's mother that many times? His son is a grown man who no longer needs his mother's intervention between him and his father. He gave you a clue as to what is going on in his world when he said he felt lonely. My DH said the same thing when I first approach him, but he also told me the same thing your DH said and promised me he wasn't cheating.

 

He cancelled his trip because he called his OW and told her that they need to lay low for a while until you get less suspicious (yes, there are women out there that will wait on a MM to calm their W down when she is suspicious and allow MM to come back when his W is cool). Just because you have a very active sex life doesn't mean that a MM who has lost his self esteem won't seek to have his ego and private parts stroked by another woman. The fact that he got mad is a clear sign of guilt. Keep searching and as bad as it hurts you don't fall for his gaslighting.

[Vapors]

I am waiting on a VAR from amazon now, it should arrive tomorrow. Unfortunately, it seems the service I bought that would have allowed me to see my husbands text messages is going to be useless. Because he has an iPhone that is not "jailbroken", my choices were limited to a service that would tap into information stored in the cloud, which could be accessed using his apple ID and password. However, it seems that he has changed them, and I can't think of a valid way to get the new info without raising his suspicions. I feel my best bet is going to be the VAR, as well as getting his phone records, which I'm working on.

 

I feel like I'm riding a wave of adrenaline that won't end. The stress is really starting to wear me down. Maybe it's because I know if my suspicions are correct, that my marriage is over. The sex I may have been able to get past. Even the enormous betrayal might not have been enough to make me throw in the towel without a serious effort to forgive. What's really killing me is that if he did screw another woman that day, he has so little respect for me that he couldn't even be bothered to wash her off of him before coming home and getting intimate with me. He let me put him, and therefore her, into my mouth. It just sickens me that the man I love, the man I have been unwavering faithful to, could demean me and our marriage so horribly. Seriously, is there anyone who could forgive something like that?

[Poppyolive]

You're doing really well. Make sure you sleep and eat well. Perhaps you have a very good friend to confide in.

 

If it is true, what he has done is unforgivable. It's completely disrespectful and absolutely no regard for your health and safety.

 

Start planning a swift back up plan for if it is true. No harm in being prepared. I am sorry you're hurting & stressed. I come on to read this post and I know you're thought of. You do not deserve any of this.

[Southern Sun]

Vapors, does he password protect his phone? If you can get access to it at some point, you can do a spotlight search using key words and it will pull up texts/iMessages even if they have been deleted. You won't be able to go to them (click on them), but you'll be able to view them from spotlight search and probably see enough (if anything is there). If they are there, screen shot and text to yourself for irrefutable proof. Just a thought...

 

Still hoping for your sake nothing is there. Just trying to think of a way to get this done faster.

[turnera]

When he reschedules the trip - and he will - ask a friend to follow him, with a camera. Offer to bake them a cake or something.

[jaks]

Im just going through something similar nothing like yours long distance boyfriend etc something did not feel right i knew something was not right i kept quiet done my own research i even contacted his ex girlfriends daughter she confirmed they had recently got back together, the ****face ex never told me, he would not answer his phone, i could not get back at him my only way was her the ex so i sent her a text telling her everything, he then called me left nasty text/ voicemail messages saying it was all BS and lies from me.

 

Therefore i was fuming so i printed all text messages off holiday photos etc put them in a envelope put them through her letterbox, then more abusive phone calls from the ex, it has not bothered her she never contacted me

 

Go with YOUR gut feeling i hope you are wrong

I knew i was right just had to find the proof he did not have the bottle to be honest and talk too me, maybe i was wrong for telling her everything it was not her fault but i felt better for it, why should he sit pretty let him feel like **** like i did.

Take care.

[Raena]

God I wish I would've been able to get back online and read these responses earlier. I'm afraid I've messed up badly, now.

 

Our kids are turning 5 and 11 shortly. I have thought of asking them a few questions when they return tomorrow night, but I don't know how reliable the 5 y/o's answers will be after 4 days, and I'm afraid my husband may have coached the older boy to back him up. He is a daddy's boy all the way, and I have not the slightest doubt he would lie if his father asked him to. All the same, I think I will at least give it a try.

 

The friend's house he went to just so happens to be an old high school chum of my husband's ex. It is not at all out of the realm of possibility that they might arrange to meet at his house. Also, her and her son live in a city three hours away from us, and earlier today my husband mentioned he might go down there tomorrow. When I asked if we would drive, he said he was planning on going with his brother. Without me. He has NEVER wanted to take a trip without me, never. This set the alarm bells ringing in my head. He followed me around coming up with all kinds of reasons why he should go without me.

 

The odor that I smelled on him was different than my smell. And very, very strong. Just as an experiment, last night I went down on him again, knowing that we had made love the night before, and that he had showered in the morning, the same scenario as before. I wanted to see if I could smell anything from our encounter the night before. Nothing. Not a trace. So I cannot believe what I was smelling that day was "leftovers" from the night before.

 

So here is where I've messed up. After he told me about his upcoming trip, I had to leave for work. I felt like I was having a panic attack: I couldn't feel my fingertips, my heart was beating out of my chest. So I called and confronted him. With no solid evidence. Not only did he deny it, he is making me feel like a terrible person for even suggesting that such a thing might be possible. He keeps saying he trusts me 100%, that he would never doubt me, how dare I not trust him the same way. I'm a little surprised at the vehemence of his reaction. Does this "how dare you, you've broken my heart" act sound familiar to any BS on here? Or does this mean he might be telling the truth? I'm starting to feel like I might be crazy, and imagining or over reacting to this whole thing. I don't know what to do. I left work, and now I'm sitting in my car in a grocery store parking lot. I don't even want to go home.

 

I haven't read the rest of the responses yet but this one you wrote could have easily been me. My ex did the exact same thing. Had sex with me, took a shower, left to go see his son for a bit, came home, tried to have sex with me again and stunk like a woman. I had forgotten all about it until you posted all this. In addition, when I confronted him, every SINGLE time I confronted him on cheating, he denied. Denial is not just a river in Egypt... it's the backbone of every cheater. It's almost always their first response. Deny, deny, accuse the betrayed of being crazy, state that he would NEVER do that and how DARE you accuse him of it.

 

I hope I'm wrong, but my gut instinct tells me he's cheating. Those are some pretty strong signals that something isn't right.

 

It's really difficult, but you HAVE to stop asking him because he will not tell you the truth is he is cheating. Start paying attention to the details of his behavior. What he's doing is classic initial response of a cheater thinking they might be caught. Do what the others said, look for something more.... phone logs, texting, find out where he is using gps. Something... anything. Don't say anything else, just pay attention to what's happening.

 

Oh and keep writing here. It helped me so much. ((hugs)) Hope everything works out ok and it wasn't anything serious.

[RoseVille]

Vapors, does he password protect his phone? If you can get access to it at some point, you can do a spotlight search using key words and it will pull up texts/iMessages even if they have been deleted. You won't be able to go to them (click on them), but you'll be able to view them from spotlight search and probably see enough (if anything is there). If they are there, screen shot and text to yourself for irrefutable proof. Just a thought...

 

Still hoping for your sake nothing is there. Just trying to think of a way to get this done faster.

 

I don't think this works. I just deleted a string and spotlight searched for words that I knew were in the string and were sent today. They didn't come up in the spotlight search.

[MJJean]

When I was a young mother, I could sneak into the bathroom for a quickie while the kids watched TV or played in the yard under the supervision of the older kid. About all it took was 5 minutes. So, yes, I think he could have cheated while the kids were playing and keeping each other occupied.

 

As to why he wouldn't wash before coming home and allowing you to give him oral if he cheated, maybe he wore a condom and thought that would be enough to keep her scent off of him. Maybe he was worried you'd smell her, but couldn't tell you not to go down without arousing suspicion and hoped you wouldn't catch her scent.

 

If I were you, I'd keep working on getting the phone when he isn't looking and install some spyware on it, then hide the icon. And I'd keep working on the VAR, spyware on the home computer(s), etc.

[travelbug1996]

If I were you I would investigate further but I would take most of the focus off him and care for self mentally and emotionally.

 

The reality is that anyone is capable of being unfaithful. You can't put all your trust in man or you will be disappointed.

 

And remember its possible that he did not cheat since you don't have a totally smoking gun. Is it possible that the day you smelled him he hadn't completely washed your scent off?? That mixed with possibly sweating throughout the day?

 

I'm not saying that he didn't cheat. I'm saying TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY FIRST.

 

Spend some of his money at the spa,massage, facial, mani pedi, new haircut. makeover etc. get pampered. Take a weekend spiritual retreat.

 

In other words be good to yourself. Whatever he's doing will be revealed.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Another idea is to set up some good quality video cameras in places that will catch him on his phone. Hopefully you can get his code for his phone on video. If so & you find dirt like texts, you can be sneaky and when he's away from his phone, foward a recent juicy text he sent her to your phone.

[loveboid]

Trust but verify.

[oldshirt]

When I was a young mother, I could sneak into the bathroom for a quickie while the kids watched TV or played in the yard under the supervision of the older kid. About all it took was 5 minutes. So, yes, I think he could have cheated while the kids were playing and keeping each other occupied.

.

 

Yep, trysts often only take minutes.

 

 

Cheaters aren't like single people dating where they need dinner dates and movies and long moonlight walks on the beach to get to know each other and get comfortable with each other.

 

 

All cheaters need is an attraction and a moment where no one is watching.

 

 

In my young and dumb days, I was with several married women over the course of a few years. One of them called me early one morning and said that she was dropping her kid off at school and wanted to see if I was home.

 

 

A few minutes later she was at my door and when I opened the door she literally said, and I quote..... "we have 5 minutes and I am not kidding" as she walking into the bedroom while taking off her clothes. And sure enough, 5 minutes later (well ok, maybe 6 or 7, I'm not a Minute Man y'know LOL) she was walking out the door.

 

 

99% of the time affairs are more like that vs how they are portrayed in the movies and on TV.

[SummerDreams]

I might be the minority here but I'm wondering. No sane man cheats if he is in an angelically made relationship, unless there are some issues, big or small. I mean, I can't imagine my husband being so much happy with me, telling me and showing me he loves me, everything is going great and suddenly boom, I smell another woman on his penis. It sounds crazy and doesn't add up in my opinion. So I have to ask, how is your relationship other than having a very good sexual life? You said his ex appeared out of nowhere and they have a son together and they are in contact cause of that a lot. You said you supported him, but DID you really support him? Did he really receive it like this or is there sommething deeper there you didn't catch? Do you have a relationship with this woman? Do you talk on the phone with her? Did you have a conversation with her after she appeared in your lives?

 

Something doesn't make sense here....

[elaine567]

I might be the minority here but I'm wondering. No sane man cheats if he is in an angelically made relationship, unless there are some issues, big or small. I mean, I can't imagine my husband being so much happy with me, telling me and showing me he loves me, everything is going great and suddenly boom, I smell another woman on his penis. It sounds crazy and doesn't add up in my opinion. So I have to ask, how is your relationship other than having a very good sexual life? You said his ex appeared out of nowhere and they have a son together and they are in contact cause of that a lot. You said you supported him, but DID you really support him? Did he really receive it like this or is there sommething deeper there you didn't catch? Do you have a relationship with this woman? Do you talk on the phone with her? Did you have a conversation with her after she appeared in your lives?

 

Something doesn't make sense here....

 

No, I do not believe there is necessarily anything wrong in his marriage, for some men to cheat - opportunity and the desire for a harem or to feel like da man may be all it takes.

 

The ex shows up, they have a past. It is easy to slip into old ways, they are already sexually comfortable with each other, she is willing and BOOM!

[elaine567]

I might be the minority here but I'm wondering. No sane man cheats if he is in an angelically made relationship, unless there are some issues, big or small. I mean, I can't imagine my husband being so much happy with me, telling me and showing me he loves me, everything is going great and suddenly boom, I smell another woman on his penis. It sounds crazy and doesn't add up in my opinion..

 

Do not forget this man has a past history of cheating here.

[SammySammy]

No, I do not believe there is necessarily anything wrong in his marriage, for some men to cheat - opportunity and the desire for a harem or to feel like da man may be all it takes.

 

The ex shows up, they have a past. It is easy to slip into old ways, they are already sexually comfortable with each other, she is willing and BOOM!

 

Right. It doesn't take much to have a tryst with an ex. You don't need a lot of reasons for that. Only opportunity.

 

It's just hard for me to imagine doing the ex and then letting your wife put her face in it. This guy can't be that dumb. Can he?

[SummerDreams]

Right. It doesn't take much to have a tryst with an ex. You don't need a lot of reasons for that. Only opportunity.

 

 

Well this shows me that the relationship with his wife or/and his love for her was not that strong after all. If it is that easy to cheat on a spouse you claim to love and respect then nobody would be married / faithful. I can bet money for many people I know that they would never cheat not even given the perfect opportunity in a million years.

[elaine567]

Right. It doesn't take much to have a tryst with an ex. You don't need a lot of reasons for that. Only opportunity.

 

It's just hard for me to imagine doing the ex and then letting your wife put her face in it. This guy can't be that dumb. Can he?

 

I am guessing it was a turn on for him.

[SammySammy]

I am guessing it was a turn on for him.

 

Then he deserves to get caught and whatever else happens to him.

[elaine567]

Well this shows me that the relationship with his wife or/and his love for her was not that strong after all.

 

I no longer believe that either.

I think that some, and I emphasise some, can still love their SO with all their hearts, and compartmentalise and justify to themselves sex with others.