I smelled sex on my husband

[minimariah]

Perfect!

 

Now is the time to hire a P.I. to trail him and get the evidence for you.

 

^^^

 

this. OP - if you need evidence to make your final decision, call the PI. keep quiet about it.

 

at the end of the day -- feeling unhappy & living with constant suspicions with a husband who really isn't doing a good job in trying to solve that problem are all reasons more than good enough for a divorce (if that's where you want to take it).

[jen1447]

^ Actually the traveling by bus thing would be less than ideal.

[PussySlam]

Who takes the bus for a short car trip?

[66Charger]

The rabbit has peaked its head out of the hole. He now feels its safe to continue. If he is leaving his car, you have the opportunity to place the VAR, if you havent done so. I will guarantee that if something happens, it will be discussed for a few days after his return.

 

Now there is something that you can do that may give you proof, but it is a little rutheless.

 

Right before he leaves, take his cellphone. Cell phones are lost or misplaced all the time. If you have the phone, I am sure Eric can get you into it. He will be leaving so you have the time, but you have to take it when it is in your house. If you see it left in the car, get it.

 

Is there a moral problem with this? Yes.

Do I have a problem giving this advice? Yes

 

But, How "moral" do you feel right now? The trip is back on, you are going to go bonkers. Can you be calm and rutheless?

 

If you have the phone, you have the history. I hate suggesting this.

 

Do or die.

[elaine567]

Who takes the bus for a short car trip?

 

He's probably not taking the bus at all.

[66Charger]

I tried to erase the steal the cell phone post but it was too late. Dont like that advice at all

[minimariah]

^ Actually the traveling by bus thing would be less than ideal.

 

you mean, for a PI?

 

maybe it can be arranged... =\ not sure. maybe the PI can follow him, especially if she hires a good PI & they usually work in a team?

 

so one PI in civil to ride the same bus as the H & the other waits at the whatever place he's going to see of he actually appears. or that other PI can follow the H's ex...? is that even legal? my imagination is wilding.

[Sandy43]

Why don't you put the VAR in the bedroom and then tell him your going to the movies again or out somewhere where he will think he will be alone for a few hours? You may catch him making a call with plans about the trip.

[Spark1111]

Why don't you follow him? Do you know where she lives?

[jen1447]

you mean, for a PI?

 

maybe it can be arranged... =\ not sure. maybe the PI can follow him, especially if she hires a good PI & they usually work in a team?

 

so one PI in civil to ride the same bus as the H & the other waits at the whatever place he's going to see of he actually appears. or that other PI can follow the H's ex...? is that even legal? my imagination is wilding.

 

Nah, it wouldn't work that way. They'd either use GPS to track his vehicle or just follow his vehicle, but that's problematic with a bus.

 

Ideally they'd just GPS his vehicle and watch where it goes, that way if he's lying about the bus it's moot.

 

BUT, OP has to get to that point first before we start planning the case for her.

[MJJean]

If the VAR records them talking to each other in a way that no reasonable person could conclude is platonic, then I will consider hiring a PI. At this point all I am trying to do is uncover irrefutable proof, for myself, that he is acting inappropriately with her. I honestly don't know what I will do if he is. It's easy to say I'll kick the mother****er to the curb, that our marriage will be over, but I don't know if I can throw away all of the years together, the family, home, business: the life we have built. Also, I love this man with all my heart. Even through all the anger and adrenaline, I still look at him and think "I love you as much today as I always have." I think the only way I know for sure I would not be able to stay with him is if he confessed, or I found out for sure some other way, that he did indeed sleep with her that day, and then came home and stuck his penis into my mouth. I don't think I could overcome such humiliation and utter disrespect shown to me by the person who is supposed to care for me and protect me.

 

Deep down, you know. You just don't want to know because it hurts so much. Don't deny the evidence of your own senses. You know your scent. After many years together, surely you know your scent mixed with your husbands scent. You know that the smell on him was not yours.

 

Last night was really tough. I asked him to come see a movie with our daughter and myself, and he jumped down my throat, for no discernible reason.

 

He started a spat so he could stay behind and contact his AP without worrying about you coming home.

 

So we went without him. He texted me a couple hours later apologizing for being "grumpy", and when we got home he was in a completely different mood. Happy, singing along to this obnoxious song he's been playing over and over.

 

He spent some time with his AP in person, on the phone, or via social media/text. He either screwed her or masturbated to her. He was in a good mood because of that. And. like another poster said, I'd bet that song is related to their relationship.

 

When we went to bed, I tried initiating sex with him, and for only the second time in our relationship, he couldn't get an erection (the first time was years ago, and we had already had sex multiple times that day). I tried for a while, and finally told myself he must be exhausted or something, and just lay down beside him.

 

He was in a great mood. Stands to reason he'd be feeling open to sex. Yet you tried and he couldn't. Even though he is the kind of guy who seems to have a high sex drive, an active sex life with you, and can go a couple times a day or more. I'd bet he was too spent from whatever he was doing while you were gone earlier that evening.

 

I continued to stroke his skin, but I didn't want to make him feel bad for not being able to perform, so I avoided touching his penis. He suddenly lashed out at me, saying "I'm not a toy!" It was bizarre. He stormed out of the bedroom, and didn't return for the rest of the night. I don't understand what I did that made him so angry. I was left crying alone in our bed.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. He was trying to avoid physical or emotional intimacy with you because he is sharing that with her. He couldn't just say that, so he manufactured a way to leave the situation while making it seem like it was your fault.

 

I know I have to wait, be patient, lie low and gather my evidence, but HOW do people do this without cracking up? I feel like my marriage is slipping away through my fingers, and I'm just standing there, watching it happen. Everything he does, everything he says, I'm seeing through the lens of betrayal. It's all suspect, and it's killing me.

 

You are finally seeing your marriage and husband for what they are, not what you thought they were. It's painful, but necessary. Unless you want tolive a lie because you are happier that way, press forward.

 

I guess I never understood what an enormous asset the trust I gave him was, until it disappeared. Now, I can't relax in my own home. Every time his phone rings, or a text comes through, or he leaves the house, my heart pounds and I feel ill. How long can this last? What if they only communicate via text, and the VAR never records anything? I don't know how many more days of this I can handle. How long did all of you have to wait before you had the evidence you needed?

 

As you said in another post, things are adding up. Alone, you could dismiss events as just bizarre moments. All together, you can't deny they add up to he's cheating.

 

I am so sorry for the pain and insanity you're going through.

[oldshirt]

Just throwing this out there. Irritability and disrespect and being short- tempered with the spouse are classic signs associated with infidelity.

 

It's not a smoking gun or proof at all but it is a classic sign.

 

So is reluctance to have sex with spouse.

 

Those are all more typically signs from a WW rather than a WH but I don't see why some guys wouldn't react the same way.

 

I too have concerns about what happened during that time you were at the movie. They may not have had sex in person if there is a distance involved, but they may have had phone sex and he was drained from spanking.

 

It's not uncommon for WS's to becoming reluctant to have sex with the spouse because they develop a weird faithfulness to the AP and then treat the S like a creeper or something. Again, that is usually a WW trait but I doubt there are any rules that say a WH won't react that way as well.

 

Things aren't adding up to look very good here. I concur with the others, get a PI to tail him on the trip and get to the bottom of it once and for all.

[minimariah]

Nah, it wouldn't work that way. They'd either use GPS to track his vehicle or just follow his vehicle, but that's problematic with a bus.

 

Ideally they'd just GPS his vehicle and watch where it goes, that way if he's lying about the bus it's moot.

 

BUT, OP has to get to that point first before we start planning the case for her.

 

ahhhhhhhh, i see. i went too SF in my head with it.

[MJJean]

I tried to erase the steal the cell phone post but it was too late. Dont like that advice at all

No point unless she can retrieve deleted texts, etc. Just having the phone to have it wouldn't work because the first thing he'd do is contact the OW to let her know not to call or text his cell.

 

Nah, it wouldn't work that way. They'd either use GPS to track his vehicle or just follow his vehicle, but that's problematic with a bus.

 

Ideally they'd just GPS his vehicle and watch where it goes, that way if he's lying about the bus it's moot.

 

BUT, OP has to get to that point first before we start planning the case for her.

 

Didn't someone on LS mention the internal phone's location records? I believe certain phones keep track of where the phone has been if location services have been used or are always on and that you can check those with the handset. I just don't remember which type (Apple or Droid)...

 

If she can check the handset and check the locations on certain dates vs where he was supposed to be it might help.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

It's 99.9% obvious he's cheating & that he didn't wash the stink of the OW off him, when the OP gave him oral. The problem is that she'll never get proof of that. The best she can get is proof in the form of a logical conclusion. If/when she catches him cheating & has proof, she confronts him without the evidence. He will of course deny it. Then ask him about the stinky BJ episode. Again he will deny it. Show him the proof of him cheating. Since he lied about cheating now, you can logically assume that he cheated back then.

[Southern Sun]

I'm trying to remember the objective facts, as Vapors reported them.

 

Husband says he's going to his mom's and is going to pick up some dirt. He does neither, "ends up on the highway" (something like that), and just goes to his friend's house instead. He spends a few hours there and lets his kids play with his friend's kid(s). Comes home without accomplishing what he left to do.

 

Same evening, Vapors and husband have sex, when she smells The Smell. They had sex the night before, but he has showered since then. It is distinct and she believes NOT HER.

 

Meanwhile, husband has been communicating via text with his ex, who he has a 25 year old son with. He has previously stated his dislike for her and has had very little (if any) communication with her in previous years. Suddenly, there is an uptick. Vapors is not included and knows no reason for this communication.

 

Husband declares that he is going to visit his adult son in the same town his ex lives in. Vapors is not invited to go. This is abnormal for their relationship.

 

Vapors is suspicious and asks her husband if anything is going on. Husband becomes very angry, turns it around on her, asks how she could possibly think this of him, makes her feel like a horrible person for even asking.

 

The out of town trip is suddenly cancelled.

 

Husband becomes secretive about the communication. Husband starts deleting texts from both the ex and the best friend whom he visited that day.

 

Vapors confirms a large amount of communication between ex and husband via phone records.

 

Vapors invites husband to a movie with her and their daughter. He acts grumpy and doesn't want to go. He later apologizes and seems happy when they return. When Vapors initiates sex, he can't perform (only second time in their relationship). Husband gets angry and huffs out of the room for no apparent reason.

 

Trip is back on.

 

Okay, now back to subjective thoughts.

 

This just doesn't look good. I appreciate Redheaded Mistress giving us an opposing view, but I unfortunately don't agree. These are all signs of a man doing something he isn't supposed to be doing and we likely know what it is.

 

Not being able to perform...that can obviously be simply from the fact that he's into someone else right now (not necessarily being "faithful" to someone else). It can also be GUILT. That is a huge factor. ED can be significantly psychological. And him getting angry is a coping mechanism. He is distracting you from the real problem.

 

People in affairs act crazy. They do stupid things, don't act like themselves. If that is what he is doing, you are generally not seeing the man you know and love...unless this is just the kind of person he is. I know you said he's had problems in the past. So I just don't know.

 

If you very sincerely spoke with him last time, not an angry confrontation, and he still reacted to you that way, you are not going to get a confession out of him without evidence. Can you hire the PI? I think you said he controls the money...can you borrow money from a trusted friend? ANYTHING? As you said, you can't just sit back and wait.

[HereNorThere]

Ugh, my brain is obsessed with this iPhone. I can think of a million and one ways I could own his arse with that thing. All your proof is right freaking there.

 

Do you guys share an iTunes account (user/pass). Does he have an iPad? Do you have the passcode to the phone? Does he ever connect it to the computer?

 

I'd make short work of this jerk for you if I had the chance. I'd own that thing so quick he wouldn't know what hit him.

 

However, I still agree with the other posters who think you should be var-ing the house and leaving for appointments and what not. More than likely he'd slip up.

[jaks]

Im sure you can retreive deleted text messages but you have to do it through your computer and phone i have never done it it is possible im sure through iTunes you would have to google it.

[HereNorThere]

Im sure you can retreive deleted text messages but you have to do it through your computer and phone i have never done it it is possible im sure through iTunes you would have to google it.

 

It's actually pretty complicated stuff and really depends on a whole lot of different factors. It would be much easier to get his iMessage password and log into another iDevice and read them as they come in.

 

She would also need to make sure she had access to the email account associated with Apple ID because it's going to send an email letting the account holder know someone linked another device to the account.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Again, install some video cameras to hopefully get his pass code for the phone. I'm sure a few common locations like around the couch, his chair, etc

[HereNorThere]

Again, install some video cameras to hopefully get his pass code for the phone. I'm sure a few common locations like around the couch, his chair, etc

 

EXACTLY. See, this guy gets it. Most of the time you can just send them a message and watch them open it right in front of you.

[HereNorThere]

Oh, and another thing - Siri is a snitch. Most people don't think about turning off Siri access on the lockscreen and you can walk right up to their locked phone, hold down the home button and ask her to read you the messages.

[beach]

What is the trip he's going on? How is explaining that?

 

 

Can you follow him or have him followed? Is he still saying his brother is going?

 

 

This is your chance to find out why he needs to take a trip without you. It wouldn't be out of the ordinary except you've always gone with him and now he won't allow it... He may be planning a trip with her...

[SummerDreams]

I know the OP is rushing to know whether her husband is cheating on her but I really believe she should start to prepare her next steps rather than take it one step at a time. If this sad thing is true she should have already contactet a lawyer and know her rights. She should talk to a marriage council and find what the best way to approach this matter is. Lets not forget that there is a kid that needs to be treated with sensitivity and not get in the way of ugly situations.

[BROKENOW]

I haven't read asll replies but i am sure women can smell other womern. You just know. I would even be able to smell a cuddle on his shirt. But what you describe is unique to each woman and you just know it's not you.: